5 more weeks.
While it's only day 3, I've... Realised a lot of things. Not all of them particularly good... Depending on your point of view.
But... I suppose I can say it's only 3 days... And now I wonder what would happen if it's for a week, or for 2, or more. Until the end of this 6 weeks... For all you know, it would probably be enough time to get over me.
But for now... Yeah... The pain's still here...
As for the realisations...
One is... That I'm happier without you. It's like, there is a burden off me. And I don't know... I didn't know when did I trade in my happiness to do my best to make you happy.
And yet, at this point of time, there is still this part of me that still very much want to give you, give us, a second chance. It's still pleading that probably you didn't know how to be my support the way I need, that neither of us was mature enough to handle a long distance relationship and it hurt us in the end, that there's only so much a person can learn over a phone, that it isn't fair to you because there's still so much you don't know about me and vice versa, that there is too many new things to handle when I'm here in china that contributed to the unhappiness too, and so on so forth.
That is how much I want to love you... And how much it hurts to know that I'm happier without you.
So now... I'm still rather conflicted. I'm scared that if I gave you that chance back in my life, I'd lose my happiness again.
I guess now I know what I'm looking for in a relationship. Whether you can be what I'm looking for... I don't know.
I guess... It's up to you now...
How much are you willing to give up to win me back? How far are you willing to go to get me back? (By the way, if you think I tore away your pride and dignity then, that was nothing compared to what I'm gonna tell you to do.)
Because it's just gonna be a waste of time and energy on your side if you try all the wrong ways of winning me over, and failing to make me happy again. So I am going to tell you what to do. (And yes, I am gonna be selfish here and think of my own happiness instead of yours.) But whether you want to do them, it's entirely up to you.
(1) Forget everything you know about girls, about dating them. And everything you know about me. Let's pretend you have never dated a single girl in your life and I'm your first girlfriend.
My reason: If you say that I'm different from all the other girls you meet, then pretty much everything you know about girls doesn't quite apply to me anymore, does it? If not, what difference is there between me and them?
If you treat me the same way as you treat them, don't expect me to be any different in the way I behave compared to the other girls. (Not enforcing obedience doesn't count. If you dare to force me to obey, that's the surest way to make me walk away.)
(2) Go to my house, meet my parents (or at least my mom) and tell them "I want to go steady with your daughter. (If my dad protest, tell him to listen first.)
I know I have made mistakes in the past and it has hurt her a lot. So now I want to set things right, so that I won't make the same mistake again. And I want to start by knowing your daughter through your eyes."
My reason: You didn't have much time to learn about me. Chances are, within the month I'm in Singapore, you still won't have enough time to learn about me, especially if you follow the first point above. So I want you to start off by seeing the me that my parents see.
Don't underestimate a parent's ability to know their child. Especially my mom's ability to know people. There's only so little of myself I can tell you about, and it's easier to learn about me from a third party's point of view. It only a matter of finding the right people. Sides, my parents could probably give you some dos and don'ts regarding me as well.
And it should earn you some brownie points from my parents.
P.S. Dress well. Bring a gift. Pretend you're going for an interview with me at stake.
(3) Talk to my brothers as well.
My reason: There are things I tell my brothers and not my parents. So they have been my emotional support for the longest time. If you want to know how to support me, talk to them. (I don't care if you can be a support to other girls. What matters to me is if you can be MY support.)
Besides, talking to them will also help you figure out the way I think and understand my logic. (Which you obviously don't get, otherwise you won't say a lot of things that you said because of the way I would interpret them.)
(4) If you can, talk to Kyoya.
In terms of dos and don'ts regarding me, Kyoya would probably be able to tell you the most. (Provided you can put aside your hatred long enough to listen to him.)
Heck, in terms of anything regarding me, Kyoya could probably tell you the most. Kyoya also has a way of putting things in words. It's only whether you want to listen or not.
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So... This is it I guess. I can tell you what to do, but whether you can do it, whether you want to do it, is another thing altogether.
The ball's in your court. You have 5 weeks to learn about me. I know it's not fair that you have to learn about me, and I'm not learning about you, but I, unfortunately, am in china and can only learn about you when I'm back in Singapore.
You have everything you need to learn about me since you are in Singapore. (Except for the talking to Kyoya point) If you're interested in something, you research on it. You read papers and online articles and stuff about it.
Same thing about me. Go and find out more about me from other people. Then see if what you have learned from them match what you will learn from me when I go back to Singapore.
You have 5 weeks. Instead of spending it in such agony, go out and do something. Heck, go and find a way to learn more about my dad. If you can figure a way to deal with him, you can definitely deal with me.
As for me, I have things to do during those 5 weeks too.
By the way, there are things that you say about yourself that doesn't quite match up with what you do. To put it in a more cruel manner, you talk the talk, but you don't walk the walk, not all the way at least.
You said you are a stable person, yet you feel like this really big, strong platform but with a crumbling base. It feels like if I step wrongly, I'd fall. You may be more stable than most people you've met, but it's not enough for me.
I'm the flighty type of person... And I need someone to be my ground, a solid ground, not a swaying platform. Can you be that?
I need you to understand me. To see things from my point of view. (And God knows, I think different from most of the people you've met.) Can you do that?
And both of us... Live in rather vastly different worlds. What you have learned from yours, doesn't always apply to mine. But all I ask, is don't ever ask me to doubt my friends. I may be a blur, naive idiot, but I know a friend worth keeping when I see one. Hell, I would wager my life on their loyalty towards me.
You can be as doubtful of them all you want. But for me, until they prove otherwise, I would believe in them.
Sigh... That's about all I have to say to you for now, I guess... As much as I want to give you another chance... I don't want to be unhappy anymore... Can you make me happy again?