Sigh.
So much has happened since I came to China.
First, I got attached to Cross.
Then I somewhat lost Kyoya. Well... He's still a friend. But that closeness that we had. It's gone now. And though if I go out with Kyoya one-on-one, it still feels the same, but in class... I don't know. There's a distance.
Thank God for Sweetie. At least it doesn't feel too bad whenever she's around.
Basically, now I'm just struggling to feel normal. I feel like some stranger who has overstayed her welcome in my own place. I feel like I've lost all bearings and am just wandering lost now.
Hell... I can feel my own self spiraling down. And I'm trying to hold it together. At least until I manage to get home. Then I can break.
But I'm really sinking. I know it.
And I have absolutely no idea how to talk to my roomies anymore. I don't know if it's PMS or stress or whatever, but I literally feel like my presence is an annoyance to them. Ugh...
And things like paying the water bill... Sigh. And i forgot about it until the deadline... Zzz. And I thought one of the other girls would pay. But apparently, they were expecting me to pay, since they thought I was in charge of all the household matters (since when was I in charge?!?) And I didn't tell them anything.
Anyway long story short, I was kinda whining to my mom about it, and one of them overheard. And now she's mad at me for complaining to my mom instead of talking to them.
Girl. First you tell me that I'm in charge of household matters. Then what else am I suppose to say? No I'm sorry, I don't want to? Since I'm in charge of the rental already, I might as well. But my mom is saying I should delegate the duty to someone else.
What I don't understand why she is so upset with me... I mean, I was kinda discussing it with my mom (Ok. I was whining to her.) And once I made a decision then I'll tell them... Or was there a rule that I was supposed to tell them first then my family?
Sigh... I don't know anymore.
Doesn't help that my last argument with Cross still haunts me. When he told me that he was bleeding immensely. And that I will never heal him. I dunno... Those words. They haunt me... And whenever they do, I would just cry myself to sleep and hope that tomorrow is a better day.
Now... I think I should just thank God for the days I don't cry myself to sleep... I think that would be one hell of an achievement now.
In the meantime, I have to put on a smile for the world. So that those around me won't worry so much.
Sigh. There are days I just wish I could... Disappear. For a few days. Take a break. Break down. Recover. And go back to being normal. Or as normal as I can in that emotional state.
But I'm in China. I'm a little lost stranger in a foreign land. I have nowhere to run. And I must remember that I'm not alone anymore. Yet... I don't know. I actually feel very lonely...
Sundays are now my little haven. It's my little escape while I try to sort things out.