Today was a hell painful day.
After that whole huge argument with Cross, both of us just parted on really bad terms. And both of us were really badly affected. He took his anti-psychotic meds, so yeah. It's really bad.
For me, let's just say the heartache felt like some form a mild heart attack. It hurts like hell. And I can't eat or sleep. And a part of me just wanna die already.
Meeting him in the morning was really bad. The wounds are still too fresh. And I couldn't talk. Heck, just being around him makes me so damn close to tears. And he can tell I guess. It's bloody obvious.
And Yuki is so damn oblivious. And heck! The tension was thicker than butter. And after the medication wore off, Cross was just angry and having one hell of a headache and ugh.
Anyway, after Cross left, it felt much better. And I managed to talk to Yuki. About us, about Cross. About most of my problems, actually. But I promised Cross I won't tell Yuki about whatever happened between him and I.
But I guess, even though I had quite a bit of fun today, even as I watched The Expendables, watching Barney and Sandra just reminded me too much of what Cross and I were like.
It's like the memories are haunting me. His presence, his touch, the way he looked at me. The wounds are seriously too fresh for me. And it hurts. Like a physical kind of hurt...
Sigh... And I'm seriously damn glad for Kyoya and Sweetie. Although I couldn't take up their offer to meet up with them, but SMS-ing them really helped keep my sanity. And for that morning, it really felt as if I wouldn't be able to carry on without breaking down without the two of them.
And it seriously hurts. To want to be near him, yet knowing I can't. And those memories kept replaying in my mind and I thought I would be driven insane.
I knew I fell too deep. And I guess... A part of me was glad I pulled out now. If I had pulled out later, I wouldn't be able to take it. The pain would be worse. And I would really be stuck then.
At least now... As much as I wish, I know I will never have him. So I rather deal with this pain and move on. As for Yuki, actually, she's also really tired at trying to help Cross. It's been 5 years, and everytime she tries to probe or try, Cross just shuts her out. He withholds information from her, both of them avoid the problems in their relationships, and in the end, Yuki is also really tired.
But while I can try and improve my relationship with Yuki, I can't do anything to help her relationship. It's between her and Cross already. And I'm no saviour. I can't save either of them. I can just pray for happiness for them.
Sigh. And I suppose for me now, God feels so far away. It's like, He's waiting for my heart to break. So that eventually, I'll see Him again. Well... God. My heart is shattered. So help. Please.
And I'm still crying out at night. When I'm at my weakest. Crying for a way out. Because I just want this pain to stop. I just want to fall into Your arms, and be carried out of this storm in my life.
Because Lord, You know, I am not a strong person. I am only strong because of Your strength. I am only wise because of Your wisdom. Without You, I am nothing. And no one knows that better than myself.