Sigh.
These few days have been a rather emotionally tiring. First with Cross, then with endless dreams around the same theme, and I don't know. Just emotionally tiring.
The dreams... Well... The dreams are obvious enough to me. It's always me running. Running away, as usual. I think... There's a part of me that's afraid. Afraid of falling fast in love. Afraid of letting myself go. Afraid of so many damn things. That it holds me back.
And then there is this other, whimsical side, that just wants to freefall all the way. That just wants to go as far as I can with Cross and see where the road leads to. To just be myself around him, and be happy. And just let go and no fear or worry or panick or anything.
Sigh. Hence, internal WW3. One side keeps pulling me back. Telling me that it's too fast, I'm getting too close, that I don't know Cross well enough, that it's getting dangerous for me to be investing so much emotionally into this, that I should take it slow, don't do something stupid, and all.
And the other side that is telling me that it's ok to just fall, that Cross will be by my side if that happens, that it's perfectly alright and that I'm in good hands, that I need him and want him, that I'm more dependent on him than I care to admit, that just wants to cuddle up to him and be some sappy pile of mush around him.
And it's always fear that makes me listen to the first voice.
By the way, the past few dreams I've been having is about the same, just different locations and different "chaser". I'm always running away, trying to either shut myself in or shut my "chaser" out. The odd part is, I actually know the chaser means me no harm. Hell, the way the chaser treats me after he caught me reminds me so much of Cross, it's pretty much a no-brainer who that chaser represented.
Yet, I'm still running away. It's like... It's like I'm afraid to be loved like that or something. Yeah. Like Cross said, I have issues.
Doesn't quite help that I've kinda dragged Cross into the crossfire between my two sides. So yeah... I've been confusing the hell out of him and now making him... Well... Like that.
To be honest, yes, I'm damn scared, actually. Heck, it took me a year to realise I had feelings for Kyoya back when I was in Year 2, and even then, I refused to acknowledge it until Cross pretty much shoved it in my face.
And now, for Cross, it's so much faster and I didn't have the luxury of spending a lot of time with him and... I don't know.
All I know is that I can't get him out of my thoughts. Everytime I'm bored or I can't focus, I would just think back on all the memories we had and wishing we could have more, and whatsapp-ing Cross in the middle of lesson just to shut those thoughts up.
Everywhere I go, he's always there in my mind. Even when I'm out with Sweetie and the other girls, he's either in my thoughts or in my conversations. To the point where it's almost painfully frustrating to feel like he's always all around me even when he's not.
And the way he is now... I don't know... Part of me is thankful. The other part just hurts. So yeah. Feeling very divided over here. Sigh... And I keep trying to bury my thoughts in work. But there's only so much work my mind can focus on before it starts wandering again. And it always wanders back to Cross.
Sigh... I really need to sort myself out... Like, a day without studying or going out and just... Sorting myself out...
Anyway, it's late here... And I've to go back to sleep... To my dreams of running away again. I really need to learn to stop running away sometimes... Cause that's all I seem to be doing whenever I'm in a conflict...