Just read "But Loving Him is Red".

Sigh. This story. Kept making me think of Cross and I. He once told me that there are red strings connecting us. And a part of me wonders if what happened to Stark and Rogers happened to us, what would I see?

Like in the story, due to the distortion of the realities, somehow Stark saw into each of the different universe, and in every universe, in every alternate reality, he saw that he and Rogers are just... Drawn together. Some universe showed them as best friends, some as lovers, some as... creatures of unknown origins... But no matter what they were in each universe, they were together.

And a part of me really wonder what I would see if I could look into those alternate futures. What would I be, and where would Cross be. Where Kyoya would be. And Sweetie. And my brothers. But somehow, it just mainly reminds me of Cross. (Mainly cause the theme of the story was about soulmates...)

Personally, I've never been as sure about this relationship as Cross. But all I know is that, for some unfathomable reason, I can't let him go. It feels like I'm ripping out a part of myself when I tried. And I guess, a part of me wants to know why. Why, from disliking him to him being so tangled in my life that I can't let him go.

Sigh. And I guess the biggest sacrifice of all was that I had to let Kyoya go. Emotionally, that is. The wound still hurts though. And I still do cry whenever I think about it. But compared to when I had to shut Cross out... The latter still hurts more.

Sigh... And a part of me seriously miss Kyoya. He was, after all, the pivotal point of the main changes in my life now. And there is actually so much of me that is adapted from him. Things like enjoying alcohol, taking long walks, drinking bubble tea and all. Haha!

To be honest, I actually like these things initially, but Kyoya made me enjoy them more. Before Kyoya came into my life, bubble tea were just drinks and walks were a time of reflection and solitude and alcohol... Another drink. XD

And now, walks became a means of companionship, and alcohol a little something to be enjoyed between friends, and bubble tea a source of comfort. XD Haha! The bubble tea thing is now also encouraged by Sweetie. Haha!

But everyone that left a definite footprint in my life... Well... A part of them is literally adopted into my lifestyle. So yeah. And I'm slowly adopting Sweetie's feminine side as well. As for Cross... I don't know yet. I didn't have enough time to hang around him to adopt anything yet.

Hm... Maybe "adopting" isn't the right word. Because there is a part of me that's like that already. It's just that... Well... Certain people bring it out more than others, I guess. So yeah... I don't know what sides will Cross bring out though.

Anyway, been feeling a bit out. And sad. And lonely these few days. It's hard here. It really is. And sometimes, talking to Cross brings me down instead of helping me up. Sigh. Like, I know he's having it tough back in Singapore too. And I often have to console him a little and be his support, on top of my own problems here. Sigh. How Kyoya does it, I will never know. (Note to self: New found respect for Kyoya.)

And Cross wants me home... Sigh. I want to go home too. I'm that homesick. And everytime he wants me back, it's just making me more depressed here. And I become more conflicted with myself. The part of me that wants to complete this. And the part that just wants to give up and go home.

Sigh. All I know is that I came into this course because somehow the Lord placed me here, of all the places I could go. And to be honest, while my chinese has never been fantastic, I have never regretted taking this course. I met people that changed my life like Kyoya and Sweetie. And my NTU cell members.

And my 2 years in China was supposed to be fun. To learn how to do housework. And make more friends. And learn to cook. And explore around. And learn to grow further. Learn to be a better person and all.

And I am slowly learning all these things one by one. And when I am, I am really glad I am in China with all my classmates. Then there's Cross. Sigh. And he just makes me want to go home instead of exploring around. Heh. I actually never considered the thought of going home half-way like this until he asked me to just go home to him. And ugh.

And it's a really conflicting feeling. To want to soar, yet feeling tied.

Oh well... Now that I failed a paper, it's not like I have much of a choice anymore. Sigh. Need to start working harder. It isn't easy, but times like these, I really thank God for Sweetie. When I'm really struggling, she's the one that pulls me up and encourages me. And the occasional support I get from Kyoya when I'm really down helps too.

Hm... At this rate... I have a feeling I know exactly what side Cross will bring out... And it's a side I'm not particularly fond of. Sigh. Oh well... I shall see how...

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Now onto really random stuff:

► Name ➔ Ketsurui
► Will you answer all questions truthfully ➔ If I can
► Are you single ➔ Not anymore
► Are you happy ➔ Hm... Contented on some. But questioning "happy".
► Are you bored ➔ A little. Bored of studying, then yes.
► Are you sad ➔ A little.

► Are you Italian ➔ No
► Are you German ➔ No
► Are you Asian ➔ Yup
► Are you angry ➔ Hm... After my post... A little frustrated.
► Are you Irish ➔ No
► Are your parents still married ➔ Yup

TEN FACTS
► Birth Place ➔ Singapore
► Hair Color ➔ Black/dark brown. Well... It looks brown under the light...
► Eye color ➔ Erm... Brown, I guess
► Birthday ➔ 18th June
► Mood ➔ At the moment, I feel like a tangled ball of yarn.
► Gender ➔ Female
► Lefty or Righty ➔ Right
► Summer or winter ➔ Summer. Though I still think Autumn is beautiful.
► Morning or afternoon ➔ Mornings. ^^

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
► Are you in love ➔ To be honest, I don't know. Infatuated, yes. Love, still thinking.
► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ No.
► Who ended your last relationship ➔ The current one.
► Have you ever been hurt ➔ Yeah.
► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ Well. I think so. At least, he said I did.
► Are you friends with your ex ➔ No ex.
► Are you afraid of commitment ➔ Hesitant, yes.
► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ Yup
► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ Yeah.
► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ Yes

TEN CHOICES
► Love or lust ➔ Love
► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ Tea!
► Cats or Dogs ➔ Erm... Both? Though I prefer cats now.
► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ Few best friends.
► Television or internet ➔ Internet, any day.
► Pepsi or Coke ➔ Pepsi Twist. XD
► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ Depends on my mood, I guess.
► Day or night ➔ Day. I'm not quite functional at night very well.
► IM or Phone ➔ IM

TEN HAVE YOU EVER
► Been caught sneaking out ➔ Can't say caught. Considering I announce my departure.
► Fallen off the stairs ➔ Erm... yes?
► White water rafted ➔ Yes!
► Finished an entire jawbreaker ➔ No.
► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ Yeah
► Prank called a store ➔ Nope
► Skipped school ➔ Yes
► Wanted to disappear ➔ Yeah. Some days more than others.

TEN PREFERENCES
► Smile or eyes ➔ Eyes (Especially if they're that nice sexy shade of blue)
► Light or dark hair ➔ Light brown hair for girls. Dark for guys.
► Fat or skinny ➔ I like those guys who are very lean. Not really skinny but athletic slim kind
► Shorter or Taller ➔ Taller
► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ Preferrably, intelligence
► Jock or Nerd ➔ Erm... All-rounder? XD
► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ Relationship
► Funny and poor OR rich and serious ➔ Rich and serious. ^^" I actually have a fondness for those serious, stoic people.

LAST
► Last Phone Call ➔ Tamaki
► Last phone call you received ➔ Dad
► Last person you hung out with ➔ Sweetie and her housemates
► Last thing you ate ➔ Erm... Some biscuits? Still snacking on them.
► Last thing you drank ➔ Coke
► Last site you went to ➔ Twitter
► Last place you were ➔ MacDonalds for lunch

RELATIONSHIPS
► Are you in a committed relationship ➔ Yeah
► When was your last relationship ➔ Non-existent
► Have you ever loved a guy/girl more than anything else in the world? ➔ Yeah
► Do you still love them ➔ A part of me still does. Like he carved his name in my heart kind of thing.
► Do you like someone right now ➔ Yeah

FAMILY
► Do you and your family get along ➔ Yup
► Would you say you have a “messed up life”➔ Nope
► Have you ever run away from home ➔ Nope
► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ Eh... Yes
► If so, how long ➔ I forgot... A couple of hours, I think.

FRIENDS
► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ No
► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ No
► Who are/is your best friend(s) ➔ Kyoya. Sweetie... I dunno about best, but she's definitely a good friend.
► Would you die for them ➔ Yes
► Who knows everything about you ➔ God. And Kyoya. (well... He knows close to everything.)

Back to the present?