Ok. I need to pen down my thoughts or my own mind is going to go crazy.

First of all, I need to kill myself. Kill Cross first, then kill myself.

Zzz! Ok.

Let me make more sense.

First of all, today, Cross asked me if I wanted to go swimming, and I thought why not. MY FIRST FUCKING MISTAKE.

Zzz! I should at least have some BRAINS to ask WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE GOING! But no. Apparently, his version of swimming means water park. And well... Mine means swimming. -_-

So yeah. Didn't do as much swimming as I wanted to today, but at least I got company. And yes, Cross and I have this... Weird relationship. First we'd be joking, then we'd be insulting each other, then we'd be all cozy and shit...

And yes. I realised that I do like him. A bit too much for my comfort.

Anyway, long story short, he kissed me.

And I swear, my mind just went BLANK. I didn't even want to know what would happen if I responded. I'd probably be feeling much worse off than now... BUT FUCK. I really wanted to.

But I have my obligations to Yuki. FUCK. Why the hell can't Cross' girlfriend be some other girl?!?!? I would have no guilt in stealing him from her then!

And yes, I want him that much.

AND UGH!!! I know that technically, other people's boyfriends are off-limits. But he isn't happy. And is looking for a way out. And I have to admit, it's damn nice to be loved. To have all the attention of someone on you. To mean the world to someone.

BUT WHY THE FUCK MUST THE ONLY PERSON WHOSE FEELINGS I CAN RETURN BE ATTACHED?!?!?! TO MY BEST FRIEND NONETHELESS.

This is one huge fucked up drama that I can't decipher anymore.

Oh and apparently, Yuki is rather bi-polar towards Cross... Like, a couple of hours she's all sweet and caring, and the next couple of hours, she's all mean and trying to hurt him with words, and the next couple of hours, God-knows-what mood sets in. And yeah... It's kinda driving Cross up and down the wall.

And I suppose that's why he turns to me. Cause I'm way more stable than her, to him.

And I suppose... I guess because Cross has always been Yuki's, in my mind, I can never consider doing anything with him without considering her. HENCE THE BLANK MOMENT WHEN HE KISSED ME.

IT WAS MY FIRST KISS TOO.

And me... I'm selfish too I guess... I wanted love for so damn long, that I would jump at the chance to get it. But it's so near, yet so far. It's at the palms of my hands, yet I can't close it. I can't keep it. Because it was never supposed to have belonged to me in the first place.

Yet I can't let it go.

The only way I can let it go is to literally shut him out of my life. And trust me. I tried. And it's hell painful. And I don't want to go back there again...

But now... What do I do? There is NO FUCKING WAY I can just forget all about it!! And don't ask me to choose sides. Yuki may be my best friend, but Cross definitely treats me more like a friend than Yuki.

Heck! There are even times I do wonder if Yuki actually thinks of me as a friend, because our conversations are superbly one-sided. All I know is what she's working as, and her love for games and comics and ice-skating. I know next to nothing about her life.

I have no idea about the people she met in her life, I don't know what she likes to watch, or eat (other than eggs), or even likes to do! Heck! I don't even know what kind of character she likes in games! Or even what colour she likes.

Heck! Even when I go out with her, it's either to look at figurines or comics or games. And I know nothing about these three. And she doesn't bother explaining them to me. And I have tried. I have tried playing the games she play, but I really REALLY suck at games, and in the end, I get left behind by her... And I don't spend the amount of money she spends on comics, so...

And I do feel sometimes that our friendship is held on by me, because she sure as hell ain't reaching back. At least, with Kyoya and Cross, I don't feel like I'm the only one holding onto the friendship. Heck! Even Shell, whom I meet once a blue moon or so, doesn't make me feel like I'm the only one holding onto the friendship!

And I see Shell less times than Yuki!

Yet, Shell and I, our friendship is super easy-going. Like, when we meet, we would update each other about our lives. The guys we like, the people we met, the people we dislike, things that annoy us, reflect back on old days, etc.

With Yuki... I do all the talking. If I don't talk, there will be silence between us.

-----------------------------------------

Anyway, back to the topic.

So now... With Cross... What do I do? I can keep things as status quo... Meaning I keep Yuki in the dark, deliberately withhold information from her (as Kyoya puts it), and keep this fragile pretense that everything is alright so that our friendship (among the 3 of us) will not be hurt. Or I can tell her, and let all hell break loose.

Personally, I wish I can tell Yuki to just break up with Cross, because their relationship IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WORKING. They are both trying to make things work! But dude! Seriously! After at least 4 years of failing, what makes you think it'll work in the future!!! STUPID IDEALISTIC PEOPLE!!!

Yet, if Cross and Yuki breaks up, I'll never see Cross again. So... Ya. I feel like killing both of them now...

Now I'm dragged to their limbo for my stupidity and his idiocy. Brilliant.

Back to the present?