Sigh... A part of me really wish to tell Cross not to bother with those things I told him to do anymore...
It was unreasonable and inconsiderate and cruel of me, I know.
And so far, these few weeks gave me lots of thinking (and panicking) time. I swear, there are times I believe God invented Chinese to torment the hell out of me. And my "wonderful" grades are back to my usual standards already. (Yes, Kyoya, these are the grades I usually get for Chinese...)
Thinking back to when I first came to this course... Well... Passing Chinese every time was nothing short of magical. It still is. I have absolutely no idea how I did it back in Singapore. I did better in Chinese during those 3 years than I ever did in my entire life. XD
And now... While I am still trying to pass those damn things known as exams, I know my heart is no longer in it anymore. The problem now is, what to do when I go back to Singapore. Sigh. I'll figure that one out when I get back.
And the issue on Cross... Well... I already know how it's going to end already. Unfortunately. All that is left is how to do it, I guess. My mom's more cruel about it. XD "Leave him hanging" she says. XD But I guess... I need the closure too...
Don't get me wrong. I do miss Cross. Very dearly, in fact. But not in a way I expected. And I don't want any notion of false hopes... Not for me, not for him.
And well... I have no idea what I'm going to say when I meet him again... Sigh. All my scenerios tend to end up with me scolding him in so many ways. Some... Less pleasant to the ears, especially for someone like Cross. Knowing him, it'll hit him. Hard.
Sigh... That being said... There are things I feel that he needs to know. I'm not saying that I'm right and he's wrong. But what I have learned from him over these past few months showed me these things, and I guess I need to tell him what I've seen of him so far. What of him that disappointed me. And what of him that I feel he's not seeing about himself. Or that he can't see, or don't want to see.
Still... I rather say it in front of him that through some message or something. So yeah... Going back to Singapore will be a very emotionally painful time... Both for me and him. And so many things to figure out...
Also about Kyoya. I know better than to hope for forgiveness too soon, especially when dealing with a Scorpio. =P I know he understands, he always does, but I also know, it doesn't lessen the hurt or the wounds my own thoughtless actions caused.
Zzz. And it's all because I fail to see past how my actions would affect others, save the immediate parties.
And in a sense, I know an unspoken second chance when I see one. And that Kyoya reacted like that, is not because he has feelings or what-not, but because he cares. Too much. That it hurts him. Sigh. Sometimes, I wish Foresight works better than Hindsight. Then, much of these things can be prevented.
Of course, there are many things I would have done different, on hindsight. But what is done is done. And I really need to learn from my mistakes. Some mistakes... Are easier said than done, though. But those... Are the most costly mistakes of all. Sigh.
Ugh. Note to self, be less impulsive when deciding to do stupid things.
And always get a second opinion. (Preferably either my Mom or Kyoya.) I think those 2 are way more amazing than most people I've met already. I have no idea how they do it, but somehow, they manage to balance out emotions and logic on a really fine scale. And Neither outweighs the other, except on really REALLY bad situations that shoots past their tolerance level.
Damn. I really need to learn that... But... First step first. Think wider than just immediate. =\ That... Is already going to take a while.