Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
When I feel afraid,
And think I've lost my way.
Still, You're there right beside me.
Nothing will I fear
As long as You are near;
Please be near me to the end.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
I will not forget
Your love for me and yet,
My heart forever is wandering.
Jesus be my guide,
And hold me to Your side,
And I will love you to the end.
Nothing will I fear
As long as You are near;
Please be near me to the end.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
And a light unto my path.
You're the light unto my path.
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This is a nice song to end off the year and usher in the new one.
As per tradition (of mine), I would read through all my past blog posts for the year and conclude it. XD
And reading my past blog posts has been quite entertaining. Haha! I completely forgot about my silly little crush on Sexy then. XD And how much I stayed around Kyoya. =P And now that I think about it, I'm surprised he hasn't grown tired of me yet. XD
Anyway, for those who don't know, Sexy has dropped BMS and is now overseas. Lucky bastard.
Haha! That crush felt like a really long time ago. I can't
believe it was in this year that I liked him and I have moved on since.
And oh how I miss my dear Ochibi. It's like, I've gotten used to missing her or something. XD I still do miss her a lot. But now it's more of, I want to experience more stuff so I will have more stories and things to tell her the next time I see her.
And all my really random mini memes and quizzes about myself. XD (Yes, a part-time hobby of mine when I'm bored is to try out personality tests. Interestingly, they tend to vary every time I take them.)
Oh yes. And all the struggles with TCM in Singapore, all my study woes, and FYP woes (Oh dear God. FYP.), and silly little enthusiasm about things yet to come and all.
And all my emotional lockdowns because it's really too troublesome and too chaotic to register all the emotions passing through my mind. (I believe I did it a couple of times this year already.)
Ooo. And my trip to Thailand and meeting Princess. Hahaha! Actually, since coming here to China, I almost haven't talk to her at all... I do know she's enjoying her time with the friends she made in Thailand as well as struggling for FYP now.
Hm...
Reading all my past blog posts made me realise that there are actually so many hints as to why I do what I do, what I will do in the future and so on so forth. Like Cross is actually featured in my blog a lot more times than Yuki (which kinda shows how much I actually considered him already at that point of time.) And how much I actually enjoyed being around Sweetie, to the point that I would "chase" her all the way to China.
I mean, yes, coming to China is to learn stuff and all, but I think the treasure that I found and wanted the most in China was Sweetie's friendship. And I'm glad I got it. There are things in life that I would probably rather die than not have. First, is my friendship with Kyoya. Next, is Sweetie's friendship.
Cross... I guess I should have seen it coming. Even back then, I was already blogging about things he said to me and all. Small snippets here and there. And I think from this whole relationship stuff and all, what I really miss about Cross, was how he was back then, when I was back in Singapore, and we would talk about the most random things, and he would always say some small sweet stuff that would make me smile while looking at the computer screen, and we would continue talking a whole bunch of things that supposedly made sense at that time.
And it's like now... Everything changed... And I don't know anymore. I don't know if the Cross I knew then was nothing more than a mask, or has he suddenly regressed when he got me or something... Sigh. And I guess that's why I missed Cross more as a friend than as a boyfriend.
And then there is that whole "epic" drama of my lifetime among Yuki, Cross and I. And I'm not bothered to read through that whole section. It's past midnight and I'm too tired to relive that whole emotional drama.
Let's just say that while I'm here in China, I actually do not miss talking to Yuki. I've gotten so used to not meeting her for prolonged periods of time and not talking to her that I'm kinda immune to it already. That being said, as of the moment, I applaud her for being able to withstand a relationship with Cross for 5 years. =X
I suppose it's a Uni thing... I may not know all the guys that well. But what I know of them, has pretty much upped my standard on what a relationship is like. Doesn't help that under Kyoya's influence, my own expectations end up pretty damn high.
Or should I say... High is not exactly the right word... There are certain things I expect from a guy in a relationship. And let's just say Cross was closer to those expectations before he got together with me.
And now at the end of the year, I need to settle a lot of things. New year, new start. Or so people say.
Looking back, especially at my China stay, I realise I have grown a lot. I learned things about myself that I never noticed.
And while my relationship with Cross has been a rather painful one, I have learned a lot from it too. Sadly, it's these important lessons that I need to learn that are usually the hardest and most painful ones.
I learned that I'm still as emotionally turbulent as the start of 2012. I learned that I am not as strong as I think I am. And that there are many things in a relationship that I thought I could deal with, but I actually can't. And I realised what are the key things I look out for in a relationship. And looking back at my friendships as well, I also realised that most of my close friends also have those key things that I look out for. (It also explains why I'm so damn picky with my friends.)
And I also learned that it's also possible to make friends without binding yourself too much to a person. They may not have the key things I look out for, but that doesn't make them any less of a friend.
I realised that when it comes to people, there is none wiser than my Mom. That while I was so busy being caught up in my relationship and drama, my brothers grew up. That the way I've been thinking all along isn't enough to deal with the future that will come. That while I'm busy fussing over the minor details in life, I missed out on the bigger picture.
I learned exactly how much Kyoya and Sweetie cares for me. I learned that it's not the activities that I do with people, but the connection I made with them that I remember most in the long run.
I can still remember my first outing with Kyoya at Henderson Waves. I also remember that look in Puppy's eyes when he was teaching me West Coast Swing, a silent intense gaze that made me instantly understand why Sweetie love him so much. I also remember looking at Sweetie across the classroom during one of the parties and suddenly, there was this heart-felt moment that just made me stop and think "she is such an amazing woman". I hope I will remember our little walk-and-talk moments before Church every Sunday.
And watching Gabriel Iglesias with Sweetie. (I know I watched it before with Cross and Yuki. But there is this completely different feeling when watching it with Sweetie.)
Oh. And I also remember that look of concern and mild nagging from Shell when we're on the MRT train. When she's worried about my own future.
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Anyway, now that it's the New Year. It's also that time to write my New Year's resolutions again. XD (I always tend to forget to keep them though. But it's a goal to aim for during the year.)
There are the short term goals and long term ones. Long term, as in, beyond just this year.
Short term:
1) Figure out what I want and a possible 5-10 year plan that is feasible. And chase it down.
2) Gain weight. 46-47kg is an ideal goal.
3) Learn something new. At least 2 things new.
Long term:
1) Think beyond the immediate and learn to see things in a bigger picture.
2) Be a better person. (It's like imagining you have kids in the future. Basically, if I have a daughter, I want her to look at me and think "I want to be like that when I grow up" or if I have a son, I want him to think "I want to marry someone like that when I grow up" kinda thing. I'm still a far cry from my own Mom.)
3) STOP BITING MY NAILS. And find an alternative (less damaging) form of stress relief.
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Eerily... Most of the resolutions I made last year kind of came true. Except that instead of it being about Sexy, it's more about Cross. And as I look through last year's resolutions, I now realise exactly how short-sighted I've been for my whole life. =/
Anyway, my resolutions probably aren't far-sighted enough yet. But for now, it will do. I will still be trying to see further.
And I pray that somehow... Everything will be alright in the end. As a pastor once said "If it's not alright, it's not the end." =)