This is the last post for this blog.

To you out there, the only thing I can offer is friendship.

Take it or leave it.

And to everyone else, I hope you guys have a blast with my blog, reading all sorts of silly insights and thoughts of mine. It had been fun.

And with that,

Adieu everyone~

Back to the present?

Yes. My pretty words are lies. I was in it to discover my sexual curiosity, like the cheap slut I am. And yes, you are a fool. I am a selfish despicable bitch and a monster. Yes, I am not worth your time and attention. You should listen to your friends and forget about me. After all, I'm not worth it.

I am not ready for a relationship. I wished to make you beg and grovel before Kyoya. Your ex was a cake-walk compared to me. I am even lower and more despicable than her. I am consumed by my own dreams. I am pathetically pitiable. I shouldn't grace you with my drivel anymore.

All my family and friends' advices may not be true. I shouldn't listen to them.

And I hope you are happy now.

Back to the present?

Really really struggling with my feelings...

Honestly, when Yuki (of all people) tried to talk to me about Cross, at that moment, I really wanted to just fuck everything and not be bothered anymore.

I'm sorry. But I am not in the mood for the "love conquers all" speech, because I think it's stupidly idealistic. Especially when you think you know my side of the story but you don't. Hell, I think after that whole conversation with Yuki, I have decided that I made the right choice in breaking-up.

The only thing worth considering, to me, is whether I should maintain a friendship with him. And that is because our whole fall-out is due to a whole bunch of misunderstandings and miscommunication. And even then, I am going to bid my time and wait until I recover emotionally from the whole thing before even thinking about it.

Sorry. But the Gemini in me is strongly against the relationship because of the miscommunication more than anything else. I thrive on communication. (Despite being an introvert myself) But there is something about reciprocation when communicating with others that I get a particular high from.

That's why I am exceedingly fond of Sweetie now. Because she gives, I return, and vice versa. And the best part, the exchange is done on the same, if not similar, levels.

Cross and I... Are on completely different levels of communication. Hell, after all these months, Yuki and I are already on different levels of communication. And believe me, I am not done changing and growing yet.

Not that it's any of your fault. I don't think as most typical Singaporean girls do. And I can't talk to most people either. Life's like that, so I learned to deal with it.

I am, unfortunately, not as amazing as Sweetie to be able to communicate on various levels with various people. Heh. That's probably why I always has issues with friends. So far, Kyoya and Shell are the only ones I can still communicate with relative ease after so many years. (Many years for Shell.) Of course, my brothers always people I can talk to. Haha!

I think it's also because I kept talking to my brothers all these years that they learned to be more mature than most guys at their age, since I'm 2 years older, and I tend to refuse lowering myself to talk to people. (Bad habit of mine... Need to learn...) That and they have to put up with me and my dad in the same household, and God knows, that's more than enough to mature a person's character.

Anyway, I think... For the matter of friendship with Cross... I will just take my time. God knows, I need the time...

P.S. To Yuki and Cross, a forewarning. I will be particularly bitchy and selfish towards people who want a second chance because I'll be on self-protection mode. So in case you want to talk to me, I'm just gonna warn you that you might be seeing a rather different side of me.

Back to the present?

Looks like another chapter of my life is closing.

Sigh. It was a whole bunch of drama, and a lot of innocent people got dragged in. =| But in the end...

I think... Our biggest mistake was being unable to communicate on the same level. I suppose it's a Gemini thing of me, but communication is particularly essential to me. If you can't speak on my level and I can't speak on yours, then it's best to just leave it.

Miscommunication = Misunderstandings. Let me clarify while I'm at it. Communication, to me, is more than just words. It's the way you say them, what you say, what your actions say, and what the overall generally tells me.

And the way you say things totally don't match up to the things you say and do. Of course, me being a girl tend to take note of tones more than just words. I generally don't remember what people say, but I do remember how they say it and how it affects me.

Your words. You can't see it, but they blackmail me. They attack me. And I don't know how to be around you or react around you when I can't tell whether you would be distanced from me, or if you would lash out at me (like that rather unforgettable argument) and emotionally threaten me, or if you would be nice and all.

You said that I don't seem to care about your feelings. Have you considered mine then? Do you know how freaking scared you made me? How scared I am of meeting you? Because I don't know what I'll be dealing with.

I don't know if anything I say would trigger you off. It's like waiting for a time bomb to explode.

Personally, I seriously doubt things will be as simple and as nice as you said they would be.

In case you failed to figure out, things are rarely as simple and nice when it comes to us. Eventually, something I say will make you explode. Something you say will hurt me. And the best part? You don't know. You don't seem to know how much I defended you from my class, how much I cared for you even when you hurt me, how much I gave up for you, how much I wanted to believe in something everyone is telling me to give up. (Or maybe you noticed but didn't care...)

And, to me, it has reached the point where what I invested into this relationship doesn't equate to the hurt I'm receiving.

So forgive me. I'll be protecting myself from now on.

Back to the present?

I know I'm supposed to be studying for my damn last paper. But I really can't be bothered anymore... Zzz. I always had issues with finishing stuff.

Anyway, since I ran out of stories to find, I decided to re-read some old ones, especially those from Ochibi. (I have a particular love for her writing style.)

Anyway, after being with Cross and all, I am beginning to see Imitation Black in a whole new light. And have a particular new fondness for the way Ochibi portrays Kanda. And as I'm reading it, (and completely emphatizing with Reiichi, since she got put in a few situations that I was in. Except that Ochibi kinda wrote them with the main antagonist, and well... Mine was with Cross.)

Anyway, now that I've more or less figured what I'm looking for in a partner, I kinda realised that Ochibi is probably looking for exactly the same thing. Ironically, what she admires in a fictional world is actually what I'm looking for in my life. But the base idea of it all is the same.

We're just looking for someone stable enough to take care of us. To bring us out of our shell, to be patient with us, and show us that it's alright to let go. And God knows, Ochibi has much stronger insecurities than me. Our insecurities are actually very similar. Except that she's more emotional than I am and is more affected by what she is feeling.

Heck, as I get to know Sweetie more, I realised that she has about the same insecurities too. Which took a while to wrap my mind around it. After all, Sweetie is the all popular, nice, sweet person that takes care of the people around her. And people just swarm to her like flies to honey. (I am also one of said flies.)

But she has her insecurities too. It's just a matter of whether she shows it. Haha. I've realised that when she's sheepish about something, it generally has something to do with an insecurity of hers, it's just that she refused to let it affect her.

And now that I think about it, I have no idea how someone rather insensitive like me (who makes occasional jokes that freezes Hell over) managed to befriend her, a person rather sensitive by nature with a cute dorky sense of humour. =/ But I do know that there is something about both Sweetie and Kyoya that I love. A lot.

It's that kind of feeling that you get when you get freaked out or scared when you were a kid, and you want someone there to hug you, and the person (or should I say, people) that comes to mind is them.

After being with Cross and all, at least now I know what about them that I find so precious. Sigh... There were so many things that went wrong. Things I thought I wouldn't mind, but I actually did. Things I thought I could compromise, but I actually can't. And... Sigh...

And now that I know what I want, reading Imitation Black is kinda different. It's like reading something you like, and now knowing what is it in particular that you like instead of the general feeling of happiness after reading it.

Haha. I guess I never really knew how realising stuff change the way I look at things.

As I get ready to head back to Singapore in the next few days... Well... I won't say I've matured, but there are things that I know that I need to work on now, that I need to change. I doubt I would change THAT much... But... Well... I won't know until I try. I've been growing a lot since Uni, since hanging out with Kyoya and all. And now there's Sweetie too.

Hopefully, maybe 10 years from now, I can look back and smile at my progress.

Back to the present?

One paper down! And the last one to go!

This paper was... I don't quite know how to put it.  It's like, I approximately know something to write for every question, but not very sure how I'll do since most of the explanations are written off the top of my head. =X It's one of those "Can do yet not quite sure how well you'd do" kind of paper.

And of course, I'm giving most of my credit for being able to do my paper to Kyoya. XD He was the one bombarding me with questions after questions to the point that Sweetie actually asked me if Kyoya was bullying me because of all the questions! ^^" Oops.

I didn't mind the questioning, of course. Somehow, the questions help me focus on what I need to know versus reading everything I highlighted (which has a lot of extra information). Haha! And hopefully, voicing out the questions and answers help Kyoya remember the information better too. Win-win situation. =) (Though I think I tend to make Kyoya worry about the lack of information being retained in my head)

Haha! All in all, today I was in a relatively good mood (or as good as my mood can get during exams).

And... I am in no mood to study for my next paper. =X Just wanna chill and sleep and relax. XD Sadly, if I do that, I'm gonna fail my next paper. =( So no.

And I'm craving retail therapy but there is no time for taobao anymore. Cause I'll be going home. And belts are damn expensive in Singapore. Zzz. Oh well. I'll buy when I come back here again. (I already booked a return flight anyway, I have to return.)

Back to the present?

Ugh. Just feel like sleeping today away. But I haven't even finish studying for 50% of my exam on Tuesday so yeah... I feel screwed.

Just... This sian feeling for the exams. And I don't even know how I feel about going home now. Zzz. And creating random scenerios in my mind and ugh. They don't even turn out anywhere near positive. So yeah. =|

Anyway, today I went to church as usual with Sweetie. XD We had some HTHT about things and all. Haha! I am beginning to realise how protective Sweetie is of people. And I guess a part of me is damn happy she didn't jump to conclusions about the things being said in rumours and talked to me instead about it. =)

Hehe. She is definitely a friend worth keeping.

We had our last French meal in China. XD And then we went for dessert. =P We had this lovely looking fruit tart. And it tasted delicious~

And after that... Well... My agenda said study, and my brain went "I don't think so" and knocked itself out for the next couple of hours. ^^"

Sigh... Totally no exam stress anymore. My mood is totally on the "To hell with this" mode and all my brain registers is "Oh this important point is this colour... What's the point again?" -_-

And I'm kinda raping fanfictions online just to avoid studying altogether. =X So... My progress is near 0%. Brilliant. And... I dunno... Sigh.

Guess I'm back to my old escape routes.

Back to the present?

Sigh. Another day ended. And the day to return home is getting closer.

And until now, I'm still divided over many things. Over my future, over Cross, over what to do during the holidays and all.

Was talking to Kyoya over dinner about a couple of them. (Digression, the only part I love about exam studying is the part where I get to go for meals with Kyoya, and whoever is there too.) And he's right in the sense that I know all the right answers. The problem is, whether I accept those answers.

And he said something that... Well... A part of me agrees, since I'm feeling it now. He said that when you fall for someone (like fall in love and not casual fling kind), you will never really completely get over it.

As these 6 weeks of supposed time-out come close to an end, I am realising that rather acutely. That no matter what, there will always be a part of me that will love Cross very much. That would always want to see him. Want to talk to him. Want to try again after each failure. That doesn't want to let go.

And then there is another part that just quietly goes "Do you still see a future in him?" And I don't know what to answer. Or should I say, I don't want to know the answer.

What if what happened to us in China happens again? I know I won't be able to take it.

I don't want to lose Cross... But I seriously doubt things can go back to what it was before I came here, as much as I wish it to.

And for the ultimate question, to move on or to hold on... Personally, I know what the answer is. Everyone is kinda telling me point-blank already. =P. But I guess... A rather selfish side of me wants to sit on the fence a little longer...

Back to the present?

Snow White: Do you consider yourself pretty? Name the part of your body you think is the most beautiful!
Eh... I guess you could say I'm pretty. Not jaw-droppingly gorgeous, but just pretty.

Cinderella: What is your shoe size?
6.5. I think. But depending on the cutting of the shoe, I usually prefer to wear 7.

Sleeping Beauty: How many hours do you sleep each night?
AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Usually about 8... ^^"

Little Red Riding Hood: What is your favourite food?
Erm... I dunno? I like steak... And pasta I guess...

The Frog prince: What do you find disgusting?
Bugs. And anything slimy. Spiders.

Jack and the Beanstalk: What plants are in your room?
None. Not fond of plants.

Puss in Boots: Do you have a pet? Do you want one?
I have 3 dogs at home. But personally, I want a cat...

Rumpelstiltskin: What is the meaning of your url?
Wings of Midnight. Well... Other than the obvious I wish I could fly and I love the shade of midnight blue (or navy. Around there.) When I think of midnight-coloured wings, the first thing that comes to mind is Kai sitting next to a closed window looking out, wings folded behind him. (I was in secondary school when I created my blog. He was my bias.)

It's like a symbol of wanting to fly but yet knowing you can't. Wanting to go out and see the world, yet I'm trapped in a room of my own. It gives me that feeling of caged freedom. Like you're free to do whatever you want in your room (representing freedom), yet you can't leave it (cage).

And it's something that just resounds with me. An oxymoron of some sort. Sides, with wings the shade of midnight, even if you can fly, no one can see you. A rather melancholic kind of feeling.

The little Mermaid: Can you sing?
I guess. XD I love to sing though.

Bluebeard: Name one character flaw!
... Erm, which one you want? Too immature? Too insensitive? If you wanna know the flaw that always gets me in trouble, it's either insensitivity or being too nice.

Pinocchio: What is your greatest wish?
I wish to be like my uncle. To be free. To not have any debts or loans to pay. And have a stable job. And enough savings to go travelling whenever I want. And a family to travel with.

I think. That is a good goal to achieve.

Peter Pan: What is your (mental) age?
Depends on who I'm with. When I'm with Cross, I'm 12. When I'm with Kyoya, I'm... 18-20? XD (I like to think I am.)  When I'm with my family, I range from anything between 6 to 20.

The Star Money: What is your most prized possesion?
My 3D puzzles at home.

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Today another day of non-stop studying. After about 6-7 病例s a day, my brain frizzles out. And I need to focus on something else instead.

Ugh. And my fourth finger is seriously suffering from the weather now. Even when I wear my gloves, it doesn't stop the pain anymore. And if I bend my finger too fast, the pain becomes sharper.

Sweetie was helping me massage my finger, and she says that my finger joints are especially cold. Zzz. 寒邪犯关节.

Now that I'm in my room, which is warmer already, my joint still feels a little stiff. Sigh. Oh well. It should be better once I get back to Singapore. After all, warm here means anything above 0. At most, 5-10 degrees indoors (Just guessing a temperature) Hopefully, the pain stops when the temperature is higher.

Back to the present?

1. You have the greenlight from a movie studio to make a movie out of one story (that’s never had an adaptation before). What do you pick?

Twin of Ice by Jude Deveraux. It's still my favourite romance book of all time. And I still find it as hilariously entertaining as I did when I first bought it.

2. Favorite pair of shoes, and why.

Erm... My slippers, I guess. It's convenient. I kinda have a favourite for the different types of shoes I wear. I only have one pair of slippers, so that doesn't count. For shoes, I am actually very fond of my new brown high-cut sneakers that I bought online. Sadly, it's too cold to wear it now...

For wedges, I like my black cris-cross wedges. I am actually missing it while I'm here. But it's too cold to wear anything like that here so... =/ My heels are too high for my liking, but other than that, it's a really nice pair. And I have yet to find a wear of pumps I like.

3. You have to forgo chocolate, cheese, alcohol, recreational drugs, bread, or dairy for the rest of your life. Which do your choose and why?

Drugs. Duh. Never taken them. Doubt I ever will. =P

4. What celebrity plays you in your biopic?

Eh... Anna Hathaway? XD I don't know...

5. Your significant other fucks up. How would you like them to make it up to you (in addition to a direct apology, obv. - flowers, a carriage ride in Central Park, what?)

Actually, as long as he does something for me, like take me out for dinner, all is pretty much forgiven. Provided he doesn't make the same mistake again.

6. How do you see yourself having children in the future (if you don’t have them now) - do you think you’ll have kids yourself, adopt, accidentally get custody when your friend dies and then move to upstate New York and start a baby food company (and if you don’t know what movie I’m talking about then go watch Baby Boom RIGHT NOW).

I'll have kids myself, thanks. Unless I am unable to. Then I'll adopt. As for whether I'll go for natural birth or C-section... I don't mind either. So whatever goes, I guess. XD

7. Tumblr dies tonight. There is no recovery, there is no hope. What do you do with the free time you suddenly have in your life?

Go out. Meet friends. Learn to dance, bake, do something.  And have stories of exciting days to share with my brothers. XD

8. Favorite type/brand of cookie.

Famous Amos. Chocolate chip with pecans. =D

9. What is one skill that you wish you had (ie blacksmithing or whistling or being able to recite the Gettysburg address)?

The ability to know the right words to say at the right time. I think that is a much needed skill.

10. If you could have a coffee date once a week with anyone living, who would it be?

Kyoya. =P Seriously, I actually have no idea who. People like Chris Evans, Robert Downey Jr, Johnny Depp, etc run through my mind, but I don't know... I don't do coffee dates unless I feel particularly comfortable around a person. And well... As lovely as these celebrities are, I'm more interested in their persona than in them per se.

11. Star Trek or Star Wars?

Neither. Both never really quite appeal to me. I mainly watch them because there's nothing else to watch or I am fond of the actor/actress in the film.

—
YOUR QUESTIONS, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT THEM: 
1. It’s the end of the world as you know it. It’s the end of the world as you know it. It’s the end of the world as you know it. How do you feel?

Oh. I see. Damn. I wasted my time studying.

2. If you could pick any place in the world to live forever, down the the exact specifications (apartment or house, decoration, location, etc etc etc), what would that place be? Bonus points if it’s a treehouse. Minus points if it’s on the lost continent of Atlantis.

Apartment. Earthly tones for the living/dining room and my puzzle collection room. And a deep colour like red or purple for the master bedroom. Sunny colours for the spare rooms. Lime green for the kitchen. And shades of blue for the toilets.

I want it somewhere within cycle-able distance to a supermarket/wet market and to work. Hopefully it's in the middle of the flat (not too high or too low). Location should be convenient, in my opinion.

3. You have to create a new identity that you will be tied to for the rest of your life. What’s your name?

Ketsurui Kurosaki. =P

4. Please explain in as much detail as you feel necessary your plan for locating Waldo.

A good magnifying glass. And a sharp eye.

5. Ideal meal?

As of the moment, all I want is a nice chicken rice, with mashed garlic for my chicken, and oyster sauced veggies.

6. A man shows up in a large blue box in the middle of your kitchen while you are doing the dishes. While you gape at him open mouthed, he asks you if you’d like to travel time and space with him. Do you: a) forget to turn the water off as you run into the blue box, flooding the whole house in your absence and leaving your neighbors to worry that you’ve been kidnapped by people copycatting the idiot thieves in the Home Alone movies or b) do literally anything else, which you will describe below?

I think I'd be staring and prodding the blue box to see if it's really a time-travel machine. And after that... I'd bid the man goodbye. =/ I live, I learn. No take-backs.

7. You can listen to the complete discography of only one band/artist (like, for example, if you choose Clapton you’d get Cream and Derek and the Dominos too) for the rest of your life. Who do you pick?
 
 Philip, Craig and Dean. I love the songs they sing and the way they sing them. And I definitely have no problem with listening to only Christian songs for the rest of my life. =P

8. If you picked anyone but the Grateful Dead, defend yourself below. If you picked the Grateful Dead, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE CORRECT

-_- Dunno who the Grateful Dead is.

9. A magician approaches you on the street! He says that for reasons that require no exposition in a hypothetical question that he will give you any mystical creature you desire as a pet. What do you choose and why?

Dragon. No brainer there. I wanna fire-breathing dragon. Erm... Something like Jippu from Saiyuki kind of dragon. But black.

10. You’re forming a zombie apocalypse survival party with four other people; the people can real or fictional, alive or dead (although not undead. “Abraham Lincoln,” is a viable choice; “A guy who has already been turned into a zombie,” is not). Who do you choose?

Kyoya. Sweetie. Mavis (from Fail Tail). and Baam (from Tower of God)

11. If there’s something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? (Hint: There is only one right answer. Double hint: it’s not the Grateful Dead.)

Ghostbusters~


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Anyway, enough of fluff stuff. Haha. Today is the end of another paper. Thank God. I also realised that there is someone that is going through something similar to me. Though I believe it's harder for her. 3 years is a rather long relationship, and for all of it to just... Turn out like that... My heart goes out to her. Really.

I don't know her that well. So I don't quite know how to cheer her up. All I can do is offer a distraction and take her mind off the pain and the emptiness that she will be feeling for a while.

And on a side note, for some reason my right finger is slowly but surely becoming more and more non-functional. Hm... The cold is definitely affecting it... It sort of aches to move it now...

Back to the present?

Love
* What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Depends on what about a person stands out. Sometimes, it's the smile. Sometimes it's the eyes.

* What excites you about the opposite sex?
Mystery. Someone to figure out, basically.

* What turns you off?
Petty, whiny people. And people who are way too clingy.

* Who sleep next to you at night?
Me myself and I. And a pillow or bolster to hug.

* Have you ever had a long distance relationship?
Yeah.

* Did it work? Why or why not?
Nope. Didn't work quite well. There was a lack of support, especially emotional support. And there was a whole bunch of things that... Ugh. Until I decided that enough was enough and called a time-out.

* Have you broken someone's heart?
^^" Eh... A couple...

* Has your heart been broken?
Yes.

* Have you ever been given an engagement ring?
No

* Have you ever broken an engagement?
No

* What is your longest relationship?
... Do I count it as 2 weeks? Or 3-4 months?

* Have you ever been married?
No

* When was your last kiss?
October. I guess.

Friendship
* Who is your best friend?
As of the moment, Kyoya.

* When was the last time you saw your best friend?
Just now? XD

* Which friend would you call if you were in trouble?
Kyoya. =P

* Which friend would you call if you were sad?
Hm... Usually, if I'm sad, I rather be left alone. If there is anyone I would call, it'll be God.

* Do you have a friend who knows something about you no one else does?
Hm... Not really... If one of my friends know it, chances are, so do all my other friends.

* If you were falling who would you trust to catch you?
Sweetie. Kyoya. Shell.

* Do you miss any friends you haven't seen in a while? Who?
Shell.

Family
* Are both of your parents still living?
Yup.

* Are you closer to your mother or your father?
Mom.

* Did you ever lie to your parents and then come clean about it?
Eh... Yeah. Though I rather not tell things to my Dad. I actually don't trust him as much as my Mom. And it doesn't help that my Dad is not exactly what you would call "understanding".

* If they separated who would you want to go live with?
Personally, I would prefer my Mom... But my Dad would need someone to look after him... (Actually. I don't know. I will go with whoever my brother doesn't live with.)

* Do you have any brothers and sisters?
2 brothers. Who are my pride and joy.

* Did you ever lock a sibling in the closet?
No... -_-

* Did you ever make a sibling bleed?
Erm... I think I did... Don't remember. They made me bleed before though!

* Who would you call if you needed help?
Sam. Cause he can drive. Though chances are, if I need help, both will appear. Or my Mom. And once I'm safe, I'll call to comfort my Dad. XD

Back to the present?

1. If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be? Somewhere high.

2.What is your favorite article of clothing? Hoodies  ♥

3. Last C.D. you bought? PCD - Great and Glorious. XD

4. Where is your favorite place to be? In bed. ^^

5. Least favorite place to be? In school... In school with lots of insects.

6. Are you strongest in mind or body? Neither. =(

7. What time do you wake up? 7am. If I am not happy with my alarm, 8.30am.

8. Favorite kitchen appliance? The knife?

9. What instrument would you like to play? Guitar. Or Flute.

10. Favorite color? Orange/Red

11. Sports car of SUV? BICYCLE.

12. Favorite children's book? The Six Cousins by Enid Blyton. (Can't find it anymore...)

13. Favorite season? Autumn

14. Least favorite chore? Hm... Taking out the trash.

15. Favorite day? Saturday. =)

16. Favorite food? Vanilla ice cream with chocolate chips (actual chips, not flakes)

17. Favorite drink? Anything fruity

18. Favorite word? Dude.

19. Favorite inspirational book? ... Do I have an inspirational book?

20. Who would you like to play you in the movie of you life? Sadly, Johnny Depp is of the wrong gender. Anna Hathaway is a close second.

Back to the present?

1. Where is your cell phone? Beside

2. Describe your boyfriend/girlfriend? ... UGH.

3. Your hair? Brown?

4. Your mother? Amazing

5. Your father? ... Annoying.

6. Your favourite item? Pillow ♥

7. Your dream last night? None

8. Your favourite drink? Fruity

9. Your dream car? Functional

10. The room you are in? Mine

11. Your ex? None. (Yet.)

12. Your fear? Alone

13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Alive

14. Who did you hang out with last night? Sweetie

15. What you're not? Model

16. The last thing you did? Type =P

17. What are you wearing? Red

18. Your favourite book? Dragons!

19. The last thing you ate? Macs

20. Your life? Boring

21. Your mood? Stressed

22. Your friends? Loves ♥

23. What are you thinking about right now? Home

24. Your car? Wishing

25. What are you doing at the moment? Typing

26. Your summer? Gone. -_-

27. What is on your TV? Dust

28. When is the last time you laughed? Forgotten

29. Last time you cried? Yesterday

30. School? EXAMS. ;_;

Back to the present?

Angry Red

1. Are you currently mad at someone?
No

2. Which of your family members has the worst temper?
Erm... My mom, I guess.

3. Have you ever thrown something at anyone?
I wish.

4. Is anyone mad at you?
Not that I'm aware of...

5. Are you usually mad?
Nope

6. When you're mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell?
I prefer to stare. And brood to myself.

Exciting Orange

1. Has anyone ever thrown a surprise party for you?
No.

2. What event is coming up that you're most excited about?
Going home on 19 Jan!!!

3. If you won a million dollars, what would be your first thought?
I'm buying a flat of my own. =P

4. If you could have anything right now what would it be?
Someone to hug.

Yellow Belly Self

1. Name: Jess

2. Birthday: June

3. What's your main goal in life?
To love and be loved.

4. Do you want to have children?
Maybe. Hopefully.

5. When do you want to die?
Before I get too old. =P Haha! Preferrably before 70... ^^"

Opinionated Green

1. Are you against gay marriage?
No

2. Lower the drinking age?
Hell no.

3. Capital Punishment?
Yes.

4. Abortion?
Hm... I'm against it, but if the person has a good reason, then I'll understand.

Lovely Blue

1. Do you love someone?
Yes.

2. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No. I dunno about others but love is a gradual thing for me.

3. Do you believe in love?
Yes.

Purple Query

Q: How glasses of water did you have today?
A: Erm... A couple?

Q: What color are your socks?
A: Not wearing any! =P

Q: Name one thing that you do everyday?
A: Check my whatsapp, my facebook, and talk to God (though I tend to complain to him more often than not.)

Q: How much cash do you have on you right now?
A: ... Enough.

Q: Are you for or against Hillary?
A: No idea. =P I'm a little frog in a well that doesn't keep up with US news.

Q: Look to your left. What's there?
A: ... My closet.

Q: What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed?
A: I don't borrow clothing.

Q: What website(s) do you visit the most?
A: Wow... Erm... Fanfiction.net, Facebook, Twitter, Mangafox

Q: Do you have plants in your room?
A: Nope. Not a plant person.

Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now?
A: MY BLOODY UTERUS.

Q: Do you own a picture phone?
A: Picture phone?

Last but not Least, Pink

1. Person you saw: Kyoya, Sweetie, and my other classmates.

2. Person you sent a text message to: Sweetie, my brothers.

3. Movie watched in cinema: ... My last movie was... ... I can't remember...

4. Song you listened to: A lot of songs. Currently listening to Christian songs.

5. Person you talked on the phone with: No one today. I don't talk on the phone unless I have to... =P

6. What are you doing right now?
Hm... Supposed to be studying...

7. What are you doing tonight?
Sleep...

8. What are you going to eat?
I had Macs for dinner... =P

Back to the present?

Today started out ok.

Until the hell (known as my period) decided to make its grand debut. Then everything kinda felt downhill from there.

Oh well.

Thank God! I managed to finish my 6 病例s as required of the day. ^^ Then I realised that I must hand up everything by Thursday... -_- Ok. There goes my Wednesday night sleep...

Sigh.

I am completely missing the sun back in Singapore. Haha! I kept reading about the complaints about the heat in Singapore today on Facebook. And a part of me is wishing for that very heat now. XD

Hm... Better rest up... Tomorrow will be... A very tiring day for me.

Back to the present?

I have seriously no energy to bother with school on the weekend. Yet I have to. Sigh... Today totally doesn't feel like Sunday. And I just feel so damn tired after the whole day, I have no idea how I managed to crap out 4 病例s during lesson...

So far, my total completed 病例 count is only at 11. UGH. Not fast enough... I have to try to finish at least 25 by tomorrow... (Which I think is totally impossible...) My goal is actually 6 everyday... So it's actually quite feasible...

Anyway, I've more or less changed seats (until I can finish my 病例) to the back of the class. It's easier to ignore the teacher there. And it actually feels nicer and better at the back. Less... Congested. Sort of.

Anyway... I can't wait to get back home. My grandpa hasn't been well for quite a while already... =( Right now, he's on a portable respirator to help him breathe. But... Well... No one can cure old age...

I just want to be back there before anything worse happens.

Sigh. So many things happening back in Singapore. And I can't join...

Back to the present?

Tick tock. Tick tock.

And my own time is running out. 2 weeks to complete my damn cases, plus study for exams. Whoo.

Part of me can't wait to get home. And... Well... I think I've complained enough about the other part of me already. Heck, I complained enough about both parts. =/

Now to start on more working and less complaining. =P

So far, I've wrote 10 half-cases. XD Yes yes. I know the other half is the most important part, but for some reason, I felt it's better when I write it like this. =X It's just a personal preference.

It's ridiculous and not effective, since I have to read through it twice and all. But when writing that damn part, I have to keep re-reading it anyway (for me at least)... So might as well.

Now my only battle is with my pessimistic side and my optimistic side. The pessimistic side is going "You already failed the other papers. No point trying. You know what you're going to get. You tried before. The results never changed. Each time you just get more and more disappointed in yourself. So why bother anymore?"

And the optimistic side is going "Just try again. Who knows? You might surprise yourself by passing, like back in NTU. Keep trying again!"

And the realistic side decides to give its own opinion "In NTU, you have a one week study break. For ONE module of chinese. Here. You have 3. In 2 weeks. With lessons in between. And even then, you barely pass. Getting Cs and Ds. When you came here, what other grade would you expect with that kind of studying?"

Ugh. Even my more realistic side is totally siding my pessimistic side. =(

And yes, Kyoya, I do want to pass. But I know exactly what my standard of chinese is... And it's nowhere near passing grade. And yes, I know that feeling. Of trying so hard, but going nowhere.

And I guess it comes down to how much I want to pass... But... I dunno... Anything school-related doesn't seem to be worth much to me anymore.

Ugh. I think it's just my own mind, influenced by the weather, the location and everything. That's why it's in this state now. I'll be alright eventually. When I get home, when the sun is back out, when everything is as it should be, I'll be alright again.

I'll be alright.

Back to the present?

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.

When I feel afraid,
And think I've lost my way.
Still, You're there right beside me.
Nothing will I fear
As long as You are near;
Please be near me to the end.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.

I will not forget
Your love for me and yet,
My heart forever is wandering.
Jesus be my guide,
And hold me to Your side,
And I will love you to the end.

Nothing will I fear
As long as You are near;
Please be near me to the end.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
And a light unto my path.
You're the light unto my path.

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 This is a nice song to end off the year and usher in the new one.

As per tradition (of mine), I would read through all my past blog posts for the year and conclude it. XD

And reading my past blog posts has been quite entertaining. Haha! I completely forgot about my silly little crush on Sexy then. XD And how much I stayed around Kyoya. =P And now that I think about it, I'm surprised he hasn't grown tired of me yet. XD

Anyway, for those who don't know, Sexy has dropped BMS and is now overseas. Lucky bastard.


Haha! That crush felt like a really long time ago. I can't believe it was in this year that I liked him and I have moved on since.

And oh how I miss my dear Ochibi. It's like, I've gotten used to missing her or something. XD I still do miss her a lot. But now it's more of, I want to experience more stuff so I will have more stories and things to tell her the next time I see her.

And all my really random mini memes and quizzes about myself. XD (Yes, a part-time hobby of mine when I'm bored is to try out personality tests. Interestingly, they tend to vary every time I take them.)

Oh yes. And all the struggles with TCM in Singapore, all my study woes, and FYP woes (Oh dear God. FYP.), and silly little enthusiasm about things yet to come and all.

And all my emotional lockdowns because it's really too troublesome and too chaotic to register all the emotions passing through my mind. (I believe I did it a couple of times this year already.)

Ooo. And my trip to Thailand and meeting Princess. Hahaha! Actually, since coming here to China, I almost haven't talk to her at all... I do know she's enjoying her time with the friends she made in Thailand as well as struggling for FYP now.

Hm...

Reading all my past blog posts made me realise that there are actually so many hints as to why I do what I do, what I will do in the future and so on so forth. Like Cross is actually featured in my blog a lot more times than Yuki (which kinda shows how much I actually considered him already at that point of time.) And how much I actually enjoyed being around Sweetie, to the point that I would "chase" her all the way to China.

I mean, yes, coming to China is to learn stuff and all, but I think the treasure that I found and wanted the most in China was Sweetie's friendship. And I'm glad I got it. There are things in life that I would probably rather die than not have. First, is my friendship with Kyoya. Next, is Sweetie's friendship.

Cross... I guess I should have seen it coming. Even back then, I was already blogging about things he said to me and all. Small snippets here and there. And I think from this whole relationship stuff and all, what I really miss about Cross, was how he was back then, when I was back in Singapore, and we would talk about the most random things, and he would always say some small sweet stuff that would make me smile while looking at the computer screen, and we would continue talking a whole bunch of things that supposedly made sense at that time.

And it's like now... Everything changed... And I don't know anymore. I don't know if the Cross I knew then was nothing more than a mask, or has he suddenly regressed when he got me or something... Sigh. And I guess that's why I missed Cross more as a friend than as a boyfriend.

And then there is that whole "epic" drama of my lifetime among Yuki, Cross and I. And I'm not bothered to read through that whole section. It's past midnight and I'm too tired to relive that whole emotional drama.

Let's just say that while I'm here in China, I actually do not miss talking to Yuki. I've gotten so used to not meeting her for prolonged periods of time and not talking to her that I'm kinda immune to it already. That being said, as of the moment, I applaud her for being able to withstand a relationship with Cross for 5 years. =X

I suppose it's a Uni thing... I may not know all the guys that well. But what I know of them, has pretty much upped my standard on what a relationship is like. Doesn't help that under Kyoya's influence, my own expectations end up pretty damn high.

Or should I say... High is not exactly the right word... There are certain things I expect from a guy in a relationship. And let's just say Cross was closer to those expectations before he got together with me.

And now at the end of the year, I need to settle a lot of things. New year, new start. Or so people say.

Looking back, especially at my China stay, I realise I have grown a lot. I learned things about myself that I never noticed.

And while my relationship with Cross has been a rather painful one, I have learned a lot from it too. Sadly, it's these important lessons that I need to learn that are usually the hardest and most painful ones.

I learned that I'm still as emotionally turbulent as the start of 2012. I learned that I am not as strong as I think I am. And that there are many things in a relationship that I thought I could deal with, but I actually can't. And I realised what are the key things I look out for in a relationship. And looking back at my friendships as well, I also realised that most of my close friends also have those key things that I look out for. (It also explains why I'm so damn picky with my friends.)

And I also learned that it's also possible to make friends without binding yourself too much to a person. They may not have the key things I look out for, but that doesn't make them any less of a friend.

I realised that when it comes to people, there is none wiser than my Mom. That while I was so busy being caught up in my relationship and drama, my brothers grew up. That the way I've been thinking all along isn't enough to deal with the future that will come. That while I'm busy fussing over the minor details in life, I missed out on the bigger picture.

I learned exactly how much Kyoya and Sweetie cares for me. I learned that it's not the activities that I do with people, but the connection I made with them that I remember most in the long run.

I can still remember my first outing with Kyoya at Henderson Waves. I also remember that look in Puppy's eyes when he was teaching me West Coast Swing, a silent intense gaze that made me instantly understand why Sweetie love him so much. I also remember looking at Sweetie across the classroom during one of the parties and suddenly, there was this heart-felt moment that just made me stop and think "she is such an amazing woman". I hope I will remember our little walk-and-talk moments before Church every Sunday.

And watching Gabriel Iglesias with Sweetie. (I know I watched it before with Cross and Yuki. But there is this completely different feeling when watching it with Sweetie.)

Oh. And I also remember that look of concern and mild nagging from Shell when we're on the MRT train. When she's worried about my own future.

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Anyway, now that it's the New Year. It's also that time to write my New Year's resolutions again. XD (I always tend to forget to keep them though. But it's a goal to aim for during the year.)

There are the short term goals and long term ones. Long term, as in, beyond just this year.

Short term:
1) Figure out what I want and a possible 5-10 year plan that is feasible. And chase it down.
2) Gain weight. 46-47kg is an ideal goal.
3) Learn something new. At least 2 things new.

Long term:
1) Think beyond the immediate and learn to see things in a bigger picture.
2) Be a better person. (It's like imagining you have kids in the future. Basically, if I have a daughter, I want her to look at me and think "I want to be like that when I grow up" or if I have a son, I want him to think "I want to marry someone like that when I grow up" kinda thing. I'm still a far cry from my own Mom.)
3) STOP BITING MY NAILS. And find an alternative (less damaging) form of stress relief.

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Eerily... Most of the resolutions I made last year kind of came true. Except that instead of it being about Sexy, it's more about Cross. And as I look through last year's resolutions, I now realise exactly how short-sighted I've been for my whole life. =/

Anyway, my resolutions probably aren't far-sighted enough yet. But for now, it will do. I will still be trying to see further.

And I pray that somehow... Everything will be alright in the end. As a pastor once said "If it's not alright, it's not the end." =)

Back to the present?