I know I'm supposed to be studying for my damn last paper. But I really can't be bothered anymore... Zzz. I always had issues with finishing stuff.
Anyway, since I ran out of stories to find, I decided to re-read some old ones, especially those from Ochibi. (I have a particular love for her writing style.)
Anyway, after being with Cross and all, I am beginning to see Imitation Black in a whole new light. And have a particular new fondness for the way Ochibi portrays Kanda. And as I'm reading it, (and completely emphatizing with Reiichi, since she got put in a few situations that I was in. Except that Ochibi kinda wrote them with the main antagonist, and well... Mine was with Cross.)
Anyway, now that I've more or less figured what I'm looking for in a partner, I kinda realised that Ochibi is probably looking for exactly the same thing. Ironically, what she admires in a fictional world is actually what I'm looking for in my life. But the base idea of it all is the same.
We're just looking for someone stable enough to take care of us. To bring us out of our shell, to be patient with us, and show us that it's alright to let go. And God knows, Ochibi has much stronger insecurities than me. Our insecurities are actually very similar. Except that she's more emotional than I am and is more affected by what she is feeling.
Heck, as I get to know Sweetie more, I realised that she has about the same insecurities too. Which took a while to wrap my mind around it. After all, Sweetie is the all popular, nice, sweet person that takes care of the people around her. And people just swarm to her like flies to honey. (I am also one of said flies.)
But she has her insecurities too. It's just a matter of whether she shows it. Haha. I've realised that when she's sheepish about something, it generally has something to do with an insecurity of hers, it's just that she refused to let it affect her.
And now that I think about it, I have no idea how someone rather insensitive like me (who makes occasional jokes that freezes Hell over) managed to befriend her, a person rather sensitive by nature with a cute dorky sense of humour. =/ But I do know that there is something about both Sweetie and Kyoya that I love. A lot.
It's that kind of feeling that you get when you get freaked out or scared when you were a kid, and you want someone there to hug you, and the person (or should I say, people) that comes to mind is them.
After being with Cross and all, at least now I know what about them that I find so precious. Sigh... There were so many things that went wrong. Things I thought I wouldn't mind, but I actually did. Things I thought I could compromise, but I actually can't. And... Sigh...
And now that I know what I want, reading Imitation Black is kinda different. It's like reading something you like, and now knowing what is it in particular that you like instead of the general feeling of happiness after reading it.
Haha. I guess I never really knew how realising stuff change the way I look at things.
As I get ready to head back to Singapore in the next few days... Well... I won't say I've matured, but there are things that I know that I need to work on now, that I need to change. I doubt I would change THAT much... But... Well... I won't know until I try. I've been growing a lot since Uni, since hanging out with Kyoya and all. And now there's Sweetie too.
Hopefully, maybe 10 years from now, I can look back and smile at my progress.