Sigh. Another day ended. And the day to return home is getting closer.

And until now, I'm still divided over many things. Over my future, over Cross, over what to do during the holidays and all.

Was talking to Kyoya over dinner about a couple of them. (Digression, the only part I love about exam studying is the part where I get to go for meals with Kyoya, and whoever is there too.) And he's right in the sense that I know all the right answers. The problem is, whether I accept those answers.

And he said something that... Well... A part of me agrees, since I'm feeling it now. He said that when you fall for someone (like fall in love and not casual fling kind), you will never really completely get over it.

As these 6 weeks of supposed time-out come close to an end, I am realising that rather acutely. That no matter what, there will always be a part of me that will love Cross very much. That would always want to see him. Want to talk to him. Want to try again after each failure. That doesn't want to let go.

And then there is another part that just quietly goes "Do you still see a future in him?" And I don't know what to answer. Or should I say, I don't want to know the answer.

What if what happened to us in China happens again? I know I won't be able to take it.

I don't want to lose Cross... But I seriously doubt things can go back to what it was before I came here, as much as I wish it to.

And for the ultimate question, to move on or to hold on... Personally, I know what the answer is. Everyone is kinda telling me point-blank already. =P. But I guess... A rather selfish side of me wants to sit on the fence a little longer...

Back to the present?