^_^

Today is a good Sunday indeed. Though I was a little of a third wheel between Sweetie and her boyfriend... ^^"

Haha! But it's really fun to talk to them about things to do once I'm back in Singapore. XD First of all, Sweetie and her boyfriend is gonna try to get me addicted to LoL. Which I am most definitely not gonna play alone. So I'm gonna try to recruit my brothers along too. XD

LoL is a little like DOTA. But with more emphasis on teamwork than solo-play. Haha! And it'll be nice to play some games with my brothers too. Haha!

And then, there is a West Coast Swing Festival (of some sort) in April. XD And there is an intense course with about 10 sessions a week leading up to the festival. And it actually sounds like fun. XD

It's mainly for noobs like me, and it'll be quite fun to learn something new while I'm back in Singapore. And it's quite cheap. XD

But let's see how it goes once I go back to Singapore. Haha! Though I have a feeling, I'd have lots of free time on my hands.

Anyway, today I went to a German cafe with Sweetie and her boyfriend. Haha! I forgot how large their portion of carbo tend to be. XD I ordered a steak tenderloin and 80% of the plate was fries. Haha!

See if next week Kyoya is free. Then can treat him to French. Which would be my Christmas present to him. XD A very belated Christmas present.

Now... Since I have 自习 tomorrow, it's a good time to try to do my 病例 and read up on my 推拿 as well... ^^" Can't afford to slack off now. =/

Have a rough study timeline already. Hopefully, I can follow through and give myself enough time to study... ... Actually... There is never enough time to study chinese... Zzz. But I hope I would study enough to pass... Sigh.

Back to the present?

Zzz. Ok. Good mood gone.

Seriously. Now I'm beginning to think Kyoya is right...

If I'm being too nice and soft-hearted, and not hold up my end of the timeout, the other party won't even respect my decision and keep pestering and whining to me. Zzz.

And now, it seems that my word holds no more weight... All I am is just another pushover for you to knock down and have your way.

Sigh. Forget support... You don't respect me, you don't trust me, you don't even know how to care about me. And you say you love me...

As you said before, words don't mean anything if the actions doesn't match up...

What am I to you? Cause all I feel like is that I'm just another pet to you. For you to play around, buy stuff and keep you company. Want me to bark for you while I'm at it?

I gave up caring already. I have exams to pass, deadlines to meet, work to do. I don't have the energy or the emotions left to care that you want attention.

You're not a child that needs to be mollycoddled. Zzz.

And you can't even take care of yourself, forget taking care of me. Not sleeping, falling sick. Hell, I'm a dependent person and I'm faring better, in an unknown country in the middle of a damn cold winter trying to study my ass off, than you.

And frankly, I'm tired. I'm tired of worrying about you as if you're some defenseless 10-year-old. I'm tired of caring. I'm damn tired of trying to support you when I am desperately needing support myself, and being scolded because I am not supporting enough. I'm tired of defending you when everyone points out all your flaws that they see to me. Not flaws as a person. But flaws in the way you've been treating me.

And I just want to sleep and never wake up because I'm just so damn tired of everything. And you. You just make things worse.

You won't even give me time to heal from the wounds you gave me.

Sigh... And all I can think of now is you snapping at me over the phone about how I don't care about your feelings, how I've been hurting you and all. Well. Congrats. Now I've really stopped caring. Not like it will make much of a difference, since you didn't seem to think that I cared back then.

I'm a nice person. But I don't like being taken advantage of. If you don't even appreciate how much I gave to you, I can stop giving as well. No point sacrificing when the other party doesn't appreciate it. After all, all it does is hurt me in the end.

You said before you like to be appreciated. Ever thought that other people would want the same thing? Or perhaps you can't see it. Then it doesn't make a difference if I stop. Like i said, there's no point trying and trying if it goes nowhere. All it'll be is wasted effort.

Why I wanted to give you another chance? I guess I wanted to believe it would have make a difference. That it would go somewhere if I tried again.

I will still try, but personally, I won't get my hopes up...

Back to the present?

UGH. WHAT PART OF A TIMEOUT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND!!!

Back to the present?

My worn-out fingertips
Are drenched in the morning sunlight
It seems like Spring is waking
Hold close the memories

I'm not eager to stop
As long as our meetings aren't too old
It glitters
It's a treasure.

Now our whole
Season is illuminated
Also don't
Forget the time
We spent all day
Watching the same sea.

I dream of
Gentle tears that
Seem like water.
Also, how can I tell
When I'm unable to speak?

Resurrecting our love
I'm afraid I'll be hurt
Only make the feelings
Stand still.

Bask in the sunlight
It's the beginning of our season
Also don't
Forget the time
We spent all day
In the same roaring wind
I can't sleep at night anymore
Before walking
All morning
Because of love
Bask in the sunlight
It's the beginning of our season
Also don't
Forget the time
We spent all day
In the same roaring wind

Now our whole
Season is illumnated
Also don't
Forget the time
We spent all day
Watching the same sea.

Don't forget
To tie you and me together
It's true love for you......

---------------------------------------------------------------

Ahh.... I seriously love the manga H2. It's like the best feel-good manga to read when I'm feeling down.

And while I'm in a better mood, I would just like to say... I ACED MY FYP!!! WHOO!!! =D

That being said, I failed to get my GPA to a 3. But as of the moment, I just want to bask in the joy that I HAVE AN A!! =DDD

Sigh... And the rest of my work is... Not going very well at all...

Sigh... I know I said I would do my best to pass, but heck! Even the paper I studied the best for (which was 针灸) didn't even pass! UGH. And it's really annoying.

With each paper, my  moral just goes lower. Sigh...

And brilliant me left my phone (which ran out of batt) in class. Zzz. Meaning that I can only start messaging people after Monday's lesson. Yay.

Oh well...Nothing much I can do there...

Back to the present?

Even if swept away by the waves of people, I will make it through
even if there's no shore in sight.
Leaning on my memories, I feel alone in time.

And then one day from the light streaming through the trees
I could hear your voice.
It was so warm that it was almost like air
I felt like I could smile.

Feeling that you want to cry until your tears have all dried up
is the same thing as letting yourself rely on someone.
It's the same thing, isn't it?

The endlessly steaming down
preparation of the summer touched my hair
On the tracks of my dreams that have passed me by
What is it that I want, I think to myself.

And then one day, your shadow
blurred into the dusk.
I chased your hazy voice.
I felt like my feelings would reach you.

Feeling that you want to cry until your tears have all dried up
is the same thing as letting yourself rely on someone.
It's the same thing, isn't it?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh well... The past few days have been quite eventful. There was Christmas and the class Christmas party (sort of). And Boxing Day dinner at Sweetie's place.

The food's nice. Company's nice and all. Blah blah blah.

It just feels like I'm there, yet I'm not kinda feel. Sigh.

And these few weeks I've been slowly approaching hibernation mode... I keep wanting to sleep and keep not wanting to eat... At this rate, there won't be much of me left to go back to Singapore. Literally.

And well... I am told I have failed all my exams, save for ENT. 内科 is still unknown. And I don't know. I don't feel much anymore. It's like "Oh. Another failure.", "Oh. Another day", "Oh. Got internship today", "Oh. This", "Oh. That.", etc.

Hell. I can't even focus anymore. Even when I read my stories, I just skim through the words, occasionally registering a paragraph or so, enough to get the gist of the story, then move on.

Heh. If I didn't know better, I'd say I've lost my mind somewhere.

Oh yeah. My family went to Taiwan, and they're enjoying themselves and getting lost there.

And honestly, I don't know what to feel anymore.

More like, I don't want to feel anymore. If I don't feel, at least Cross can't hurt me.

But... Looks like the wounds aren't healed yet. Every time Cross messages me, or tries to talk to me, it takes everything of me to not break down and cry.

Sigh. And it feels like JC all over again. Just that instead of dance, it's over a guy now. Sigh... And he broke me down faster than my "wonderful" dance teacher too. Sigh...

And I guess... It just hurts... A lot... I mean, I never liked my dance teacher, but it's one thing to have some teacher you don't like breaking you down, it's quite another having someone you love breaking you down.

And I'm just hiding behind all my war stories. At least in those stories, it's chaotic enough for me to ignore my own emotional chaos.

Hopefully the next 3 weeks can give me a bit more strength to deal with everything once I'm back in Singapore.

Back to the present?

This is probably the best song to describe all the emotions and feelings and drama between Cross and I.

For some reason, everyone thinks I should just break up with Cross and I'll get over it soon. Heck. Even Cross thinks that.

 News flash people. I don't fall out of love that easily. When I love, I love deep. Hell. I loved a fictional character for close to 6-7 years. What more about a real person? Crushes are different. Those come and go quickly.

But when I love... It's a different matter altogether.

Sigh... Oh well...

Anyway, managed to talk to one of my cell members today. =D It helped a lot that she's a lot like me and she went on an exchange just last year, so she totally gets what I'm feeling, on an emotional level. ^^"

And was talking to her about Cross and all, and sometimes... I think figuring out an answer is also based on what kind of questions is asked... Like about the salvaging our relationship thing, she suggested I should have asked how he plans on doing it, rather than just question the logic of it.

After all... it seems that logic and emotions is kinda an inseparable mix when it comes to Cross. To me, they are 2 different entities.

And I'd probably figure out more by the actions taken than by the emotions behind the words.

Ugh. This is why I always have issues dealing with emotional people... I can use emotions in my words, but I sure as hell can't interpret them for nuts.

Zzz. I miss talking to the girls in cell. Haha. From what I hear now, it's a bunch of crazy there and part of me wanna join in the fun. Sigh. But I'm here. And they're there. And I just need to hold it together for a few more weeks and I can go home already...

Back to the present?

And now that the stress of the exams has faded somewhat, I can tend to the nagging matters in my mind...

About Cross... No matter how I try to play out the different scenerios, the most likely scenerio that will occur is that I would just be friends with him, and he would leave... Sigh.

And I know that's already gonna leave one hell of a hole in my heart. I know Sweetie, Kyoya and my family would be damn happy, but as Kyoya said, to people that matter I bind a part of my soul to them (or something like that). Having your soul ripped ain't a pleasant thing.

Sigh... But the Cross as of the moment is still too immature... Heh... Even when I asked him what is there of our relationship to salvage, he couldn't give me something concrete to hold onto. It feels like I'm talking apples to an orange... Sigh...

Of course, I still see that potential in him. But... I don't know... The more I talk to him now, the more I realise that he isn't going to be what I hope for... I could be wrong. But I also could be right...

Worst case scenerio, he will only be just a friend to me, and he leaves. Taking a huge part of me with him, and me learning to live with this hole.

Personally, I would love to give him a second chance, watch him grow and so on so forth... But at my age, I can't just think about me only, can I? It'll be too selfish of me to do so.

Sigh... I don't know what to do with him... It's like trying to handle some stubborn child... Ugh.

Zzz. I'm no longer making sense anymore. Sigh. I'll figure my thoughts out some other time... When all the noise settle in some sort of agreement...

Back to the present?

It seems like almost a year has past since I last saw your faces
Not much has changed around here
but you know that's what brings me home to you

Home for the holidays
It wouldn't be Christmas if I was away
Home for the holidays
It's so good to be here with those that I hold dear
I'm home for the holidays

Making the most of each moment
we have to carry throughout the year
And every memory we share
is a treasure that we can hold near

Home for the holidays
It wouldn't be Christmas if I was away
Home for the holidays
It's so good to be here with those that I hold dear
I'm home for the holidays

Only the birth of the Christ child
could warm this cold world for a day
And only the power of God's only son
could bring us together this way

As we stare at the tree all aglow
we know in our hearts the true reason
If god came to earth in the form of a man
a gift that will last beyond the season
Let's make it last always

Home for the holidays
It wouldn't be Christmas if I was away
Home for the holidays
It's so good to be here with those that I hold dear
I'm home for the holidays

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just for memory's sake. This is my favourite Christmas song since songs were still on casette tapes.

And now when I'm here in China, this is the only song I really want to sing, and yet it's a really painful song to sing, because I'm not home...

And here I am, still trying to memorise damn Chinese, with not much going into my head, and thinking of Christmas and everything that is going on at home and how much I really REALLY want to go home right now...

I know my wonderful family is having some form of a potluck, since they were discussing what food they were bringing on whatsapp.

And seeing all the pictures on Facebook and stuff... Sigh... I guess I just miss home... Badly...

I mean, it's really fun and nice to celebrate Christmas with friends and all, but there's something about family that is home to me.

Sigh... Nothing sucks more than the knowledge of how dependent you are, when you are trying so hard to prove that you are not...

Back to the present?

Sigh... A part of me really wish to tell Cross not to bother with those things I told him to do anymore...

It was unreasonable and inconsiderate and cruel of me, I know.

And so far, these few weeks gave me lots of thinking (and panicking) time. I swear, there are times I believe God invented Chinese to torment the hell out of me. And my "wonderful" grades are back to my usual standards already. (Yes, Kyoya, these are the grades I usually get for Chinese...)

Thinking back to when I first came to this course... Well... Passing Chinese every time was nothing short of magical. It still is. I have absolutely no idea how I did it back in Singapore. I did better in Chinese during those 3 years than I ever did in my entire life. XD

And now... While I am still trying to pass those damn things known as exams, I know my heart is no longer in it anymore. The problem now is, what to do when I go back to Singapore. Sigh. I'll figure that one out when I get back.

And the issue on Cross... Well... I already know how it's going to end already. Unfortunately. All that is left is how to do it, I guess. My mom's more cruel about it. XD "Leave him hanging" she says. XD But I guess... I need the closure too...

Don't get me wrong. I do miss Cross. Very dearly, in fact. But not in a way I expected. And I don't want any notion of false hopes... Not for me, not for him.

And well... I have no idea what I'm going to say when I meet him again... Sigh. All my scenerios tend to end up with me scolding him in so many ways. Some... Less pleasant to the ears, especially for someone like Cross. Knowing him, it'll hit him. Hard.

Sigh... That being said... There are things I feel that he needs to know. I'm not saying that I'm right and he's wrong. But what I have learned from him over these past few months showed me these things, and I guess I need to tell him what I've seen of him so far. What of him that disappointed me. And what of him that I feel he's not seeing about himself. Or that he can't see, or don't want to see.

Still... I rather say it in front of him that through some message or something. So yeah... Going back to Singapore will be a very emotionally painful time... Both for me and him. And so many things to figure out...

Also about Kyoya. I know better than to hope for forgiveness too soon, especially when dealing with a Scorpio. =P I know he understands, he always does, but I also know, it doesn't lessen the hurt or the wounds my own thoughtless actions caused.

Zzz. And it's all because I fail to see past how my actions would affect others, save the immediate parties.

And in a sense, I know an unspoken second chance when I see one. And that Kyoya reacted like that, is not because he has feelings or what-not, but because he cares. Too much. That it hurts him. Sigh. Sometimes, I wish Foresight works better than Hindsight. Then, much of these things can be prevented.

Of course, there are many things I would have done different, on hindsight. But what is done is done. And I really need to learn from my mistakes. Some mistakes... Are easier said than done, though. But those... Are the most costly mistakes of all. Sigh.

Ugh. Note to self, be less impulsive when deciding to do stupid things.

And always get a second opinion. (Preferably either my Mom or Kyoya.) I think those 2 are way more amazing than most people I've met already. I have no idea how they do it, but somehow, they manage to balance out emotions and logic on a really fine scale. And Neither outweighs the other, except on really REALLY bad situations that shoots past their tolerance level.

Damn. I really need to learn that... But... First step first. Think wider than just immediate. =\ That... Is already going to take a while.

Back to the present?

Got bored. So I decided to play the Colour Test again. It seems it kinda describes my mood quite well... =/

Your Existing Situation

"Very emotional and artistic, enjoys being surrounded by beauty and art. Looking for a partner who always has an eye for beauty and who enjoys close, loving relationships."

Your Stress Sources

"His normal flexible and stubborn attitude has become weakened because she feels overworked, tired and as if she is stuck in a rut. The situation seems helpless and is causing her to physically feel the strain, she is searching for a solution but she is unable to make a decision on how to go about making the changes."

Your Restrained Characteristics

His confidence is low but she is unable to admit that is the reason for her avoidance of conflict. Feels it is a situation out of her control and she is making the best of it.
Applies tough standards to her potential partner and demands an unrealistic perfection in her sex life.

Your Desired Objective

"Feels as if she has been held back from many things, and that other things have always tried to dominate her. she now feels she has to make up for lost time by living an overly intense lifestyle."

Your Actual Problem

"Feeling tension and stress brought on by situations which are out of her control, leaves her feeling helpless, anxious, and in adequate. she escapes the situation by throwing herself into new activities and insisting she get her own way. Appears to be in control of himself, which she isn't, leading to outbursts of anger."

Your Actual Problem #2

Is afraid she will be held back from obtaining the things she wants leading her to act out with a hectic intensity.

Back to the present?

Now that my main papers are over (for now), I am bored. Yes I get bored easily. And I can't talk to Cross. Sigh. And I think that's what I miss the most about Cross. That I can just talk to him about anything in the world.

Anyway, boredom here. So I decided to post some random tweets (about Gemini) that I totally agree with. XD

"When problems arise with #Gemini They will respond intellectually rather than emotionally" 
Quite true. Heck. Even when emotional, I still respond with more intellect than emotion. =/

"What a #Gemini Dislikes: Routines and Being the one to make all the decisions in the relationship"
ESPECIALLY the decision-making part. =X Routines... Not fond of them, but if they keep me from doing something stupid, I won't mind them much.

"What a #Gemini Dislikes: Being confined"
Confined in more than just a physical way. Being emotionally chained down. Being fitted into a mental box of some sort. These are also confinement to me. That being said... I don't think out of the box very often either... =X

"#Gemini are affectionate, courteous and kind"
I am? XD I totally agree on the affectionate part though. I don't know about kind, but sometimes I'm a little too nice... Sigh.

"#Gemini's have a soft heart and are quick to forgive, but they are not stupid."
Erm... Soft-heart and quick to forgive is right... As for stupid... I'm borderline stupidity personified...

"#Gemini constantly need new interests in their life to keep from getting bored."
Agreed. XD It was one of the things I was talking to my mom about yesterday. She was all for me going out and trying out stuff. Like learning baking and (God forbid) bartending and what-not. That being said, I need some form of a stable-ish career first before I decide to do stupid things like these. So yeah. In a nutshell, get a job then do whatever you want to do. =)

"All a #Gemini wants is for you to show them the love they deserve."
"#Gemini expect a lot and one could say nearly too much!"
I felt these 2 quotes should go together. XD I have expectations, both for friends and for partners. Of course, the expectation for friends is lower than that of a partner. It... took a while to realise what those expectations are though. (Yes, I am "a bit" dense on figuring out what I really want.) It's like... I subconsciously know what I want, but I don't know how to articulate it or think it. But I'm learning. Slowly, but surely.

"For a #Gemini, It’s all or nothing for you when it comes to love."
Unfortunately, yes. I think the painful part of a Gemini in love is that if we give everything, and the other party doesn't realise or recognise it, we would be living through hell.

"#Gemini wishes they were better at telling people how they really feel."
"#Gemini are deeply romantic, emotional and passionate, their problem is with communicating their emotions"
 YES!! For all the talk in the world, I don't have words when I need it the most!!! Emotional... I don't know actually. I think those around me would know how emotional I am better than myself though. =P As for the rest... No point revealing every single damn thing about myself, is there? XD Those who know... Will know.

"It's easy for a #Gemini to get sidetracked, as their curiosity is large, their minds are quick, and their attention spans are rather short."
Easy is an understatement. Quick mind is a matter of opinion though. I know quicker minds. So I won't dare say mine is quick...

"#Gemini often play dumb only for their own amusement, they enjoy playing mind games with people"
Guilty. =P Not really play dumb, but more of... I have a suspicion, and I want to have it confirmed. And I'm actually not THAT fond of mind games, unless they're harmless fun.

"#Gemini will drop anything & everything to be there for you, but only if they feel you'd do the same for them."
That I would do. Though I am guilty of not taking the other party's feelings into account... Zzz. Hm... It's not that I don't, it's more of... I always fail to see how my actions would affect others, especially when I make a decision impromptu.

"A #Gemini female will either be too quiet or too talkative."
"#Gemini's are the most talkative sign but they only talk to who they choose"
Hm... True that. I happen to be more... Picky that others. =X

"#Gemini has a hard time letting go of people, but once they do, they'll never look at them the same way."
Unfortunately true. I think it's because I know I will never look at them the same way again which makes it harder to let go. It's like watching all your memories fall like sand through your fingers. Sure, there are bits left on your fingers, but it will never be the same.

"As a #Gemini there's no halfway for you. A part of you seeks eternal love; yet, you have an equal hunger for freedom."
YES. =P Hence the need for a stabiliser in my life.

"A #Gemini woman often thinks like a man but acts like a lady"
Hm... Need to work on the acting like a lady part.

"As a #Gemini you often make decisions solely for emotional or personal reasons, because something "feels right""
Erm... Yes. Yes I do.

"If you ask a #Gemini what it is they want out of life or what their life goal is, they wont know."
Uh oh. Guilty as charged.

And the last one: Well... Just for Christmas.
"Who will kiss you under the mistletoe: #Gemini"
~_^

Back to the present?

1. It is possible to love someone who doesn’t love you back. It’s not a full love, it doesn’t have a whole lot of depth, but it’s still there.

2. People always say that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you but that’s not really true. You can be loved even if you hate yourself. It’s just not going to be healthy. It’s not going to be the best kind of love.

3. Falling in love is nature’s drug and you can OD on it.

4. Emotionally OD. Not, like, actual death. Ew.

5. It’s so painful to have loved someone once and then never again. Sometimes you’ll wish it never happened just so you didn’t know how good it felt.

6. Then you remember that quote “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have ever loved at all” and you’re like, “okay, fine.”

7. You will never love someone quite the same way you do the first time.

8. In most cases, this is a good thing. The first time is fucking insane.

9. It’s a beautiful moment when you realize you are someone who’s worth loving.

10. And it’s an even harder moment when you temporarily forget it.

11. Sex doesn’t always bring people closer. Sometimes it just exposes the weaknesses in the relationship.

12. That being said, a relationship can survive on good sex for a disturbing amount of time.

13. Someone you love will betray you. You can’t go through this life without it.

14. You can’t force yourself to love someone. If it’s not there, it’s not going to happen. Ever.

15. Everyone is an idiot when it comes to matters of the heart. Love is the great equalizer. Whenever you feel intimidated by someone’s coolness, just imagine them sobbing in their bedroom after someone broke their heart. I guarantee it’s happened.

16. Love doesn’t always feel like brain orgasms. Sometimes it feels the best when it’s at its most subtle, like when it’s 3 p.m. on a Sunday and you’re reading a book with your feet entangled with someone else’s on the couch. You look around you for a second and realize that you’ve never felt safer. Ironically, it’s the quieter moments that will leave the most indelible mark.

17. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to rely on someone. For a lot of people, it’s their Achilles heel. Love is the reason why they made most of their mistakes.

18. At its best, love can feel better than heroin. At its worst, it can feel like heroin withdrawal.

19. I’ve never done heroin though so this is purely speculation.

20. Finding love is the unconscious motivator for a lot of the things we do. It’s why we work out, it’s why we go to a bar on a Saturday night when we really don’t want to, it’s why we agree to meet strangers off the internet.

21. Don’t be embarrassed if you’ve never been in love before. You have a ton of company.

22. When you fall in love with someone, be prepared for the possibility that you might hate them one day.

23. You will always have that one ex who will stick in your mind. They’ll feel like a perpetual dull ache in your side.

24. Love will make you into the best and worst version of yourself, often in the same night.

25. Love is the reason why we’re all here. Well, most of us anyway.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Personally, I totally agree with number 24. =/

And number 16.

Back to the present?

I really should do something like this for the various colours to me. It sounds quite fun and interesting. To describe a colour.

Anyway, I have to write this today.

First of all, Happy Birthday Mom! You were my first reason I had a particular fondness for dragons, and as I knew you, that fondness grew to a near obssession. ^^"

And second, I really REALLY wished I had been in Singapore today. Today is my church, RiverLife's Christmas Musical Production. It's the first for my church. And with Zack working as a dancer/singer on stage, and Sam working the lightings and music in the background, it was the closest thing to a family production on a grand scale.

And I missed it

That being said, I have a feeling that this won't be the last thing such things will happen. And a part of me really wish to see them all.

So this is to my brothers, whom I watched over since they were rebellious vicious idiots.

To Sam,

I have known you since forever. Your petty little fights with me over the dominance of the house when my parents are gone. And how you learned to be a better observer and support than I could ever imagine. How you would flare up at the slightest things that don't go your way, and your trail of destruction after. And how you learned to rein in your temper, and use them as fangs instead of just barks.

How you would play with stationery spread all over your bed, with scenes only you understand. And how you are learning to re-create those scenes for the world to see. How you have always been the one lagging behind. And how you have learned to be a leader with a soft heart and who knows how to support.

To be honest, I never knew what you could be, as you were never quite as decisive as Zack. But I guess, God has a plan for us all. Even when all sorts of logistics and administration stood in your way when you first tried to enter your course, all you did was pray, and all the problems vanished, literally. And I don't know if you would ever realise, but you were the one who almost single-handedly brought back Christianity into our family, when it was all falling apart. It started with you.

So even before you entered the army to "be a man", or however the slogan puts it, I just want you to know that for a long time I have seen you as a boy. Congratulations. In my eyes, you are now a man. There are still many obstacles along the way, and many struggles in between. But I have seen you. I know you.

And I know, you will succeed.

To Zack,

You were the easier one to figure out of the two of you. Headstrong, implusive, fiery temper (if I recall correctly), always wanting to lead and never fall behind. For some reason, I saw a bright future in you. And I believed in you. Knowing that you will eventually learn what I knew of you.

You were like Sam in so many ways, yet so different. When you wanted Animation, it actually didn't fit in with whatever I saw you to be, but you liked to draw, and if you believed you saw a future in it, I'll always back you up no matter what.

And now, even as your year ends, you realised the same thing I knew when I first played with you in the playground. You are not meant to be at a desk working. You are meant to go up to the frontline and conquer. You did it before, when you were nothing but a heartless brat, you will do it again.

I guess all it needed was a spark, and when you came back from camp, somehow, I could tell, everything is going to be different. You were different. You learned to lead, yet emphatise. Listen with an open mind, but not without opinions. And in a way, you learned to command all those around you, like the Sun with its orbiting planets.

And I know, whatever you want in the future, be it as a Animator or as a Businessman, as long as you want it, I know you will get it. I had in mind what you should be. You have reached and exceeded that already. And I know, just like Sam, you will succeed well in life.

God made you a conqueror. And I have a feeling, He will lead you into blazes of glory. And He won't let you fail.

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If Zack's like the Sun, all hot and blazing and warm and lively, Sam's like the Moon, cool and gentle and always watching.

Me? If there's anything to describe me, I'm like the clouds. Always drifting around, never quite settling nor moving on. Never really definitive, yet never really changing. Clouds, to me, are like some intermediate state, when they can't decide to be the sky or the rain. Always hovering, yet never really doing anything about it. Haha! Maybe it explains why until now, I actually still have no idea what I want.

As for my friends,

Kyoya is like water, like an ocean, to me. Soft, fluid, gentle (though at times he's like the roar of the ocean waves when it crashes onto land during a storm), a strong support. A necessity in life. Sometimes dark, mysterious and dangerous, like those abyss. Sometimes peaceful like the streams in a forest. He's also like water in the sense that I know what he is, but I just can't quite describe it properly.

How do you describe water? When it's all clear and colourless, yet bends perspectives out of shape. When you add colours into it, it changes into so many things, yet never really changing at the same time. When it can be a source of life, inspiration and what-not, yet at the same time a source of death when you go too deep. Water is so many things that you can't really describe, yet you can't say you don't know.

That's Kyoya to me.

Sweetie, is a forest. A sign of life, care, love and so many things. She's like those types of forests where the more you cut, the faster and stronger it grows, until you can't cut it anymore. Sometimes, because she's small and adorable, people think she's just a tree or a sapling. But somehow, when I see her, I don't see a tree. I see an endless forest. Those kind that glows when the sun shines down and is nothing short of magical. That's what she feels like to me.

She cares for others deeply, and sometimes, I get swept away by it, and all I can do, is just fuel that care. As long as she has the intentions, I will do my best to help her find the means to get it. That being said, she's very much self-sufficient on her own. Relying on others, yet also standing on her own very well. A delicate balance, yet she's doing it almost perfectly. She flutters when the wind blows, yet never really flying away. Firm when the storms come, and beautiful when the sun shines.

That is Sweetie to me.

Back to the present?

Zzz... On top of the prospects of exams... Oh hail Bloody Mary.

Oh. And speaking of exams, (this is to Cross) if I were an essay, let's just say that while Kyoya has given you all the points to score full marks, you have failed the paper. Tsk tsk.

And you seem to have some misunderstandings about my previous post. So let me put it in a clearer manner for you. For me to even consider getting back together with you, you have to fulfill ALL 3 points before I return to Singapore.

And when I return back to Singapore, if you have done all 3 points, you have a one month "internship" with me myself, before I decide if you have ultimately passed or failed in making me happy. If you fail at the 3 points, or if you fail at the final scoring, I'm afraid the only consolation prize I can offer you is friendship. (By the way, the opinions of the 3 parties will also play a part in the final scoring too.)

...

(I'm blaming my period for my bitchy mood.)

By the way, you were supposed to go in order for the 3 points. But since you decided to start with the easiest... Oh well. Whatever floats your boat. As for the other 2 points, word of advice: Start with my parents. They're the easier option.

Why?

Because I tell my brothers almost everything. Remember when you said that you were hurting and that you knew I was hurting too? Let's put it this way, you knew I was hurting. You don't know to what extent. My brothers know. And that's why they're out for your blood. So I strongly suggest talking to my parents first. (And yes. You are going to be alone for this one.)

I want to give you a second chance. Make no mistake about that. Otherwise, Kyoya won't even be helping you at all. (By the way, don't bully him or take advantage of his kindness towards you. He's doing it because he's a good friend of mine who wants me my shot at happiness too.) Except this time, I'm putting my own happiness first. And as much as I care and want you, I will not compromise on this anymore.

In simple terms, now we are playing this dating game my way. (My way or the highway, as the saying goes.)

From what I can tell, you're good with casual relationships. But if this is how you're gonna handle a proper relationship (proper, as in, want to settle down kind of proper), then if you have any other girlfriends after me, God bless them.

So now, I am teaching you how to go steady with someone properly.

First, after you ask the girl out, the next thing you should do is not to plan for a date of any sort, but to meet her parents. Hell, I should say no dates with the girl until you have met her parents and gained their approval. Which you dare not approach my parents for the 4 months we were together, nor did you even consider approaching my brothers.

So I am forcing you to now. Although this time, it'll be harder on you than if you did it those months ago. Because now, the people you are talking to (or are going to talk to) knows exactly how much you have hurt me. And they don't plan on making your life easier.

Anyway, you still have 2 points. 5 weeks, 4 days to go.

Tick. Tock. Cross. Tick. Tock.

Back to the present?

5 more weeks.

While it's only day 3, I've... Realised a lot of things. Not all of them particularly good... Depending on your point of view.

But... I suppose I can say it's only 3 days... And now I wonder what would happen if it's for a week, or for 2, or more. Until the end of this 6 weeks... For all you know, it would probably be enough time to get over me.

But for now... Yeah... The pain's still here...

As for the realisations...

One is... That I'm happier without you. It's like, there is a burden off me. And I don't know... I didn't know when did I trade in my happiness to do my best to make you happy.

And yet, at this point of time, there is still this part of me that still very much want to give you, give us, a second chance. It's still pleading that probably you didn't know how to be my support the way I need, that neither of us was mature enough to handle a long distance relationship and it hurt us in the end, that there's only so much a person can learn over a phone, that it isn't fair to you because there's still so much you don't know about me and vice versa, that there is too many new things to handle when I'm here in china that contributed to the unhappiness too, and so on so forth.

That is how much I want to love you... And how much it hurts to know that I'm happier without you.

So now... I'm still rather conflicted. I'm scared that if I gave you that chance back in my life, I'd lose my happiness again.

I guess now I know what I'm looking for in a relationship. Whether you can be what I'm looking for... I don't know.

I guess... It's up to you now... How much are you willing to give up to win me back? How far are you willing to go to get me back? (By the way, if you think I tore away your pride and dignity then, that was nothing compared to what I'm gonna tell you to do.)

Because it's just gonna be a waste of time and energy on your side if you try all the wrong ways of winning me over, and failing to make me happy again. So I am going to tell you what to do. (And yes, I am gonna be selfish here and think of my own happiness instead of yours.) But whether you want to do them, it's entirely up to you.

(1) Forget everything you know about girls, about dating them. And everything you know about me. Let's pretend you have never dated a single girl in your life and I'm your first girlfriend.

My reason: If you say that I'm different from all the other girls you meet, then pretty much everything you know about girls doesn't quite apply to me anymore, does it? If not, what difference is there between me and them?

If you treat me the same way as you treat them, don't expect me to be any different in the way I behave compared to the other girls. (Not enforcing obedience doesn't count. If you dare to force me to obey, that's the surest way to make me walk away.)

(2) Go to my house, meet my parents (or at least my mom) and tell them "I want to go steady with your daughter. (If my dad protest, tell him to listen first.) I know I have made mistakes in the past and it has hurt her a lot. So now I want to set things right, so that I won't make the same mistake again. And I want to start by knowing your daughter through your eyes."

My reason: You didn't have much time to learn about me. Chances are, within the month I'm in Singapore, you still won't have enough time to learn about me, especially if you follow the first point above. So I want you to start off by seeing the me that my parents see.

Don't underestimate a parent's ability to know their child. Especially my mom's ability to know people. There's only so little of myself I can tell you about, and it's easier to learn about me from a third party's point of view. It only a matter of finding the right people. Sides, my parents could probably give you some dos and don'ts regarding me as well.

And it should earn you some brownie points from my parents.

P.S. Dress well. Bring a gift. Pretend you're going for an interview with me at stake.

(3) Talk to my brothers as well.

My reason: There are things I tell my brothers and not my parents. So they have been my emotional support for the longest time. If you want to know how to support me, talk to them. (I don't care if you can be a support to other girls. What matters to me is if you can be MY support.)

Besides, talking to them will also help you figure out the way I think and understand my logic. (Which you obviously don't get, otherwise you won't say a lot of things that you said because of the way I would interpret them.)

(4) If you can, talk to Kyoya.

In terms of dos and don'ts regarding me, Kyoya would probably be able to tell you the most. (Provided you can put aside your hatred long enough to listen to him.)

Heck, in terms of anything regarding me, Kyoya could probably tell you the most. Kyoya also has a way of putting things in words. It's only whether you want to listen or not.

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So... This is it I guess. I can tell you what to do, but whether you can do it, whether you want to do it, is another thing altogether.

The ball's in your court. You have 5 weeks to learn about me. I know it's not fair that you have to learn about me, and I'm not learning about you, but I, unfortunately, am in china and can only learn about you when I'm back in Singapore.

You have everything you need to learn about me since you are in Singapore. (Except for the talking to Kyoya point) If you're interested in something, you research on it. You read papers and online articles and stuff about it.

Same thing about me. Go and find out more about me from other people. Then see if what you have learned from them match what you will learn from me when I go back to Singapore.

You have 5 weeks. Instead of spending it in such agony, go out and do something. Heck, go and find a way to learn more about my dad. If you can figure a way to deal with him, you can definitely deal with me.

As for me, I have things to do during those 5 weeks too.

By the way, there are things that you say about yourself that doesn't quite match up with what you do. To put it in a more cruel manner, you talk the talk, but you don't walk the walk, not all the way at least.

You said you are a stable person, yet you feel like this really big, strong platform but with a crumbling base. It feels like if I step wrongly, I'd fall. You may be more stable than most people you've met, but it's not enough for me.

I'm the flighty type of person... And I need someone to be my ground, a solid ground, not a swaying platform. Can you be that? 

I need you to understand me. To see things from my point of view. (And God knows, I think different from most of the people you've met.) Can you do that?

And both of us... Live in rather vastly different worlds. What you have learned from yours, doesn't always apply to mine. But all I ask, is don't ever ask me to doubt my friends. I may be a blur, naive idiot, but I know a friend worth keeping when I see one. Hell, I would wager my life on their loyalty towards me.

You can be as doubtful of them all you want. But for me, until they prove otherwise, I would believe in them.

Sigh... That's about all I have to say to you for now, I guess... As much as I want to give you another chance... I don't want to be unhappy anymore... Can you make me happy again?

Back to the present?

Found this little meme from Ochibi's blog and thought it would be fun to do. ^^"

America: What superpowers I want/wanted
To fly. I've always wanted that ability. XD

China: Three things that I find to be adorable
1) Baby animals. 2) Adorably happy kids. 3) Sweetie's drawings

Russia: A dream I want to have come true one day
I want a house of my own.

England: Someone I miss
I would have said Cross, but... I think what I really miss now is not a person, but home.

France: What I envision the man/woman of my dreams would be like
Someone who gets me, who makes me happy. Someone who understands why I do the things I do, why I think the way I think, who accepts me for the way I am. Someone who makes me better person, who challenges me and make me grow. Someone who gives me the feeling that it’s you, it’s always been you. Someone, who is my ground when I want to fly.

Canada: The last time I felt unnoticed
A few weeks ago, I guess. I can't remember when. (I have good friends.)

Japan: Something I might never say out loud
Help

Germany: What I think most people think of me
Blur. Naive. No sense of direction. Idiot. Nice. Friendly. Quiet. (Anything else, guys?)

Italy: My childhood best friend
Hahaha! Her name was Charlotte. She was my first friend back in primary school. Then she migrated to Canada. We used to write to each other as often as we can in primary school. But after Pri. 5 or so, our letter writing breaks became longer and longer, and eventually I lost contact with her.

Hungary: An embarrassing story from when I was young
... Erm... I have plenty... There was one time I was really curious as to how tissue paper taste like, so i would sit under the table with a box of tissue paper and start eating it... (By the way, it doesn't taste that bad... It just has a weird texture.)

Austria: A musical instrument I always wanted to play
Hm... A flute, I guess. And a guitar.

Prussia: 3 People I think are awesome
1) Adriana Lima.
2) Sherlock Holmes.
3) Freddy Boey.

Spain: Something that makes me smile
Memories.

Romano: Someone who has always been there for me
Aside from family, Kyoya.

Greece: The last dream/nightmare I can remember
Haha! I dreamed I was helping Sam with film some horror show. And I was running around helping out the crew and all. Then the scene changed to something like Dead Space/Portal. Without any monsters or weird wormholes. But in a spacecraft kinda setting with obstacles to overcome.

Switzerland: Someone/thing I’m protective of
My friends. I am hell protective of them. To me, they're like a second family. And characters I create. Puzzles I made. Things I made, in essence. (Friendships included)

Lichtenstein: Do I have siblings? My relationship with them
Two younger brothers. And we're close. But we are also one another's goal. Each of us have our own strength, and we strive to become better than one another. We take turns listening to each other, and understanding from one another's viewpoint. If we don't understand, either we ask for an elaboration, or we just accept it as the other party's opinion.

We are one another's support and journal. XD There are things that I don't write cause sometimes words fail, but my brothers are able to read it from me and understand without words. We keep striving to be better because we don't want to pull one another down, or be unable to pull one another up.

(Which reminds me... I'm now the one lagging behind the two of them... Gotta buck up.)

Finland: A time where I misjudged someone
... I don't know about misjudge... But back in year 1, Kyoya was someone I never thought I would be friends with... But well... We all know what happened next, and the rest is history.

Sweden: Last time I scared someone (be it on purpose or accident)
Sweetie. Her back was facing me and it was too tempting an offer to pass up. =P

Hetalia: 5 places I want to visit/see in my lifetime
1) New Zealand, I wanna see the night sky.
2)Norway, Aurora Borealis. 'Nuff said.
3) Iceland. There's a trail of stars that align on my birthday. I wanna see it.
4)Venice. Romantic. And the homeland of Tiramitsu.
5) USA. Because I've never been there.

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Haha! Today's a good Sunday. Had church with Sweetie and lunch with Kyoya. Finally! Someone who understands things my way! And had a really nice good talk with him and all.

^^" I made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot of lessons during my stay in China, and yeah. Although I was warned, but sometimes the lesson needs to hit home for it to register. So yeah... Registering a lot of things now...

Then there's the reflections and what-to-dos part next. (Which I have yet to cover.) And I have lots to think about now. And the future. And stuff. All I hope, is that I become someone better, someone more mature, thoughtful of others, once I go back home. I know I know. At my age, it's a little slow. But hey, better late than never.

Haha! And I had missed talking to Kyoya. Haha! Kyoya changed quite a bit too here in China. He seems more free-spirited now. He looks less tied down and less burdened. To a certain extent... =P God knows, friends like me that make foolish decisions puts the weight of the world back on his shoulders every time. XD

And now he completely gives off this big brother vibe to me. XD Back in Singapore, it was much less. More hesitant, more self-conscious of his actions, behaviour and all. (I think he still is, but he's more relaxed about it now) Hm... How to put it... Let's just say, back in Singapore, the friend vibe was stronger. And here in China, the brother vibe is stronger. ^^" (Does it make sense?)

And yesterday, I skyped my family. Haha! And I was surprised to hear my Mom finally found a cell group to join. And they decided to decorate the house for Christmas. And my brothers. Hehe! I am proud to say that my brothers have truly become men. =^^= They have grown so much since I last saw them.

Heck! When I was last with them, I was the one giving them relationship advice. Now I'm the one receiving them. Haha! Either I regressed or they progressed, or both. =/ Either ways, it was so nice to hear from them again. And hearing them talk, and give their opinion about my fight with Cross, and about my studies and future... All I can think of is "Wow. They have really grown." Haha!

I think... Once I go home, it's gonna be an interesting period of time. Me re-learning about the changes in my absence, and also figuring things out and all. Haha! I may not like everything I'm gonna learn... But... Sometimes, it's for the best that it's this way, I guess...

Back to the present?

Took a break from studying (Not that I could focus on those painted words) to meet a friend, let's call him Eddie, at Starbucks.

While I failed to study anything I brought there, I had a nice long talk about lots of things with Eddie. Regarding my studies and all, he has pretty much been there, done that, and was just talking about his experience.

And as I was relating mine... I guessed the stupidity of it all just crashed on me. I thought I was independent enough to take going to China. I thought of what I wanted to achieve here (which just turns out to be short-termed goals), I thought I wanted to go to China. Cross... Was an impromptu decision. And I thought I could handle it.

I thought. I thought. I thought. Guess I didn't think it through properly enough. And now it's all falling down on me.

Whatever I wanted to learn in China, I pretty much learned most of it already. And came the realisation that no, I am not as independent as I thought. I am not as strong as I thought. And I actually can't handle a long distance relationship either. I needed a physical anchor. (I don't care that the bible says God is my anchor and all. I need an earthly one too.) And I guess the painful part to learn I'm not who I thought I was.

And heck. It didn't just drag me down. It dragged Cross down too.

Eddie said my problem was, my thought process is too wrapped up in the present. And there was so many things that exploded on me, because I failed to consider so many things.

Guess I found one more thing to learn, before I leave China. I have to learn to change my thought process to think a little further than just now.

Otherwise... In the future itself... Things might just more than explode on me. So yeah... All I need, is an idea, and a direction, and just let my mind take me to wherever. Who knows? It may end up in a really interesting place.

But for now... Sigh... Getting over the present is a hard thing indeed.

Back to the present?

This 6 weeks... Is gonna be one of the longest, hardest period of time I'm gonna go through.

It's too short for exams. Yet too long to go home. And God knows, I want to go home, see my family, resolve and work out issues with Cross, though the last one is probably up in the air for now.

Sigh. And I have a very strong feeling Cross misunderstood my words. AGAIN. And I want to just... Message him and clarify what I meant and all. And I had to keep telling myself "6 weeks. 6 weeks." And painfully put my phone back down.

I want to tell Cross all the silly things I learned about my classmates, and laugh with him (and at him). I want to gush over which Angels in the VS fashion show that I like. I want to whine to him when I'm tired of studying the same page for the past one hour. And every time I have those thoughts, every time I reach for that damn phone. I have to keep reminding myself of that 6 weeks.

Whatever Cross interpreted from my words, whatever girl he wants to see in those 6 weeks, whatever he wants to do, I will not bother him about it. He's free to do whatever he wants. I will not bind him to me anymore.

And who knows. He would probably find someone that can heal those wounds I cause. And maybe, I'll just be someone he thought he needed but actually didn't.

I don't know what's gonna happen during these 6 weeks. I don't know how much would have changed once I go back. I don't know how much of what Cross said that he wants to do with me would come true, or whether they would just remain as thoughts or wistful dreams.

I'm just gonna play a painful waiting game. And see what happens, what changes would occur, once it's over.

Maybe while waiting, I'll learn something too...

Back to the present?

I give up.

You said that I'm the one that tore down your defenses, that strip you of your pride, your dignity, everything about you until you feel like some piece of dirt. You said that you feel like you got sucked into whatever it is between Kyoya and I. You said, that I'm the one stabbing knives into your chest.

Isn't it better if I left then? Or are you such a masochist to want to hold one to someone so despicable as me.

You said that I don't care about you. I don't care about your feelings. That I'm not treating you as a boyfriend. Then fine. You know what? Maybe my mom was right. We should have made our relationship open. You can be one of my "suitors" and I can hang out, talk and listen to my guy friends without you bothering me about them. And when you feel like I'm not caring about you, feel free to go on your merry way to find someone else.

And you can't stand being called immature. It's not the things you do. But how you react to things. Do you realise every time something bad happens to you, the first way you react is to get pissed off, throw a tantrum and blame that God's playing Legos with you.

So how do you expect me to seek you for mature advice, when I know the moment i talk about the situation, the first thing you would do is be pissed off and throw a tantrum and I would be the one having to deal with the mess first. When I seek someone for advice, I want a solution, not a mess to deal with.

When you figure out how to react to things with a level head, then I'll start finding you when I need help.

And you want me to trust you more than Kyoya. You, who have two-timed people before, who cheated on Yuki, who have hurt me more times within these months of being your boyfriend than Kyoya ever did being my friend (and who has yet to lose my trust), want me to trust you more than Kyoya?

Shell warned me that you would be the type to cheat on a person when you think you found someone better. You did it in secondary school. Guess what? You did it again with Yuki, and you said you loved her and wanted to marry her at a point of time. So when is it my turn? Or am I wrong for feeling apprehensive and insecure?

I may be naive, but even I'm not that big of an idiot to think it will never happen to me. I'm also not that big of an idiot to think that all those sweet words said to me have never been said to anyone else.

And you don't even know me as well as you think you do, so why should I take your word that you know Kyoya better than I do? And don't say that you know me. If you do know me, most of the things we fight about could have been avoided, most of this hurt could be avoided.

And I'm done. I am done feeling like I've been ran through by a truck every time I have to deal with you. I am done trying to explain things to you when neither of us can see eye to eye.

If you don't want me to leave, at least grant me time-out from you, at least until I return to Singapore. I'm tired already, of trying to deal with you when you're so far away. Tired of misinterpreting and being misunderstood.

I rather go back to Singapore and start back from state 0 again.

Back to the present?

My dear Cross,

Would it matter if I explain why I won't trust your judgement on Kyoya?

I've known Kyoya for 4 years now. Granted, I suck at understanding people, but I at least know (more or less) what Kyoya is like.

Many things you tell me about him, they don't fit into whatever I have known for 4 years. Hell, you might as well tell me that my 4 years of friendship with Kyoya is a lie.

Probably it's because I don't see what you see in people, but I don't believe people are always as bad as you make them out to be.

If you want to criticise Kyoya's intentions like that, know him first. Understand his intentions. Understand him as a person, like I did, instead of jumping to conclusions about the things he do.

Kyoya often does things that seem cruel and mean in the eyes of everyone else, but to those who understand, he has an explanation behind his actions. It doesn't make his actions right or make his words less harsh or less cruel, but his intentions are rarely as mean as you make them out to be.

Of course, you can completely disagree with the way he does things. That one, I would understand. Kyoya's actions tend to make him out to be the biggest asshole in the world, but in reality, he's not that bad. And it's hard to find words to properly describe Kyoya cause to me, he's quite a complicated person to understand.

Haha! Being friends with him is often not a bed of roses. If it is, whoever invented that quote forgot how many thorns roses have.

But being friends with him is a very enriching experience to me. To constantly challenge myself to think from the other side of the box, to attempt (keyword: attempt) to understand why Kyoya thinks the way he does, to challenge myself to be better than I am now, etc.

So forgive me, if I can't see Kyoya from your point of view. Your image of Kyoya doesn't quite reconcile with my image of Kyoya.

You may hate him to hell... But at least try to understand my view of Kyoya. Don't insist you know my friends better than me, without actually knowing them properly first. You may be right, for all I know, and you'd probably think that I'm a gullible, naive idiot for believing everything I'm told, but I will always give my friends the benefit of the doubt. Whether you agree with whatever they say is another thing altogether. But I will.

Back to the present?

Now that my emotions have died down enough to be identifiable, I realise what hurt the most was not that Cross wanted me to drop TCM, nor was it how harsh he was... But because he said that I'm just treating him as some form of comfort or dog or doormat (whatever he said). That I'm using him. And... It felt like he was pushing me away...

It literally silenced off a part of me... And now that my head has cleared... It feels so quiet...

Heh... The part that was silenced... Was the part that wanted him the most... I guess it went into hiding or something... Probably because Cross wanted me gone... So... I don't know. And now... Well... Since that part is pre-dominantly the part that thinks of Cross the most, so yeah... It's like I don't know what to feel or think about him anymore...

I don't want Cross to think I'm using him... Cause I'm not. But since he thinks so... Then somewhere somehow, my thoughts and feelings are not conveyed through my actions... Or my feelings were a lie all along, and I no longer know what to do... Nor do I know what to feel...

Hell. I don't even know if Cross wants me by his side anymore... One moment he's pushing me away, the next he's happy that he's mine... And I'm so damn scared of doing or saying anything now cause I don't want him to push me away anymore...

Heh... Kyoya asked me that if one day if Cross really wants me gone or if he really pushes me away for good, can I let go?

To be honest, I don't know. I know I should. I do not want to tie Cross down to me if he doesn't want to be by my side. Yet... To let go... When it comes down to it... I don't know if I can...

I guess I'm just an idiot... Sigh...

The next time... If Cross wants out... Even if it kills me on the inside, I guess I have to learn to let go, don't I? No point trying to hold on when the other party wants to leave...

Back to the present?

My mind is no longer on studies.

Sigh. Hell. My mind is in some state of shambles now. I'm missing home so bad that it isn't funny anymore. Just the thought of wanting to see Tabby makes me cry already.

And I was talking to Kyoya about what to do for my future, because after I decided, and seeing Cross' reaction to it, it made me unsure of it's really worth it. And I basically received a toned-down "I told you so" mini talk by Kyoya.

So yes yes. You were right all those years back.

I was just too stubborn to see it. And I didn't want to admit it either. So yes. By coming here, and struggling as I am now, I basically proved your point right.

As for what I am to do now... Well... The ball's in my court, and only I can decide what to do... It's just a matter of reconciling my own mind with my decision.

Heh... I don't even know why I'm still clinging onto this like it'll cost me my life. I don't even know what am I clinging onto this course for...

All I know is that I'm too homesick to be any form of happy here...

Sigh. Kyoya is right... For someone like me... Being here is nothing short of torture.

And as for Cross... Sigh. I don't know how to react, to be honest... Even now... I still have no idea how to react anymore.

Heck. Not just my mind, my emotions are in a mess too. Heh. Luckily I fell sick. It's easier to explain my down mood. Sigh... I need time... Away from school, away from everything. And just go home and just think things through...

Unfortunately, home is God-knows-how-many miles away... So I guess I'll just bear with this until I get home... Heh... I wonder which will break first... My mind or my heart.

Back to the present?

Dear God,

I'm sorry I forgot how great You are, and how small I am, and how awesome is Your mighty hand.

 I know You placed me here, in China. Yet, I'm struggling so much with so many things. Walking in the wilderness is a tough thing indeed.

I'm sorry I lost sight of why I'm here. You had things to teach me, that's why You placed me here. And as Mother Theresa said "I know God doesn't give me anything more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." I knew You won't give me more than I can handle, but sometimes, it feels like it's gonna swallow me whole.

In the midst of life itself here, I lost my sight. I lost my focus. And I lost sight of You.

And even though I kept telling myself that You were faithful before and You'd be faithful again, and that You were holding my hand, but I no longer believed. I doubted. And I'm sorry. For my little faith. For my own ignorance.

But Lord, sometimes it's so hard. To keep believing when I can't see anymore. And a part of me was so scared. I didn't know where You were anymore.

And as I was talking to Tamaki, he made me remember what I was here for. I was here to learn, TCM or not, I was here to learn life. I was here to open my mind, broaden my horizons and all.

Sure, there are down times. And sometimes the down times seem so much more than the good times. But You are steadfast, Lord. You saw me through tough times, and this time will be no exception.

So I'll just grit my teeth now, and bear with it. And maybe once this storm in my life is over, I'd know why I was here. And I'll see the rainbow after the rain.

There's a raging sea, right in front of me 
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees 
But let the waters rise, if You want them to 
I will follow You, I will follow You 

You made me a fighter, Lord. And I will fight through this. And I will be victorious.

Back to the present?