Ok... First off... While attempting to recollect my thoughts, I shall post a meme from Ochibi's blog.

happy: Happy Happy Day - Ryoma Echizen
love: Accidentally in Love – Counting Crows
hate: Hate You Hate You – Woman Power
light: Candle Lights - BoA
dark: After Dark – Asian Kung-Fu Generation
good: Don't Stop the Music – Rihanna
bad: Bad Boy – Big Bang
smile: Helpless When She Smiles – Backstreet Boys
cry: Cry for the Dream – Hikaru Midorikawa
girl: Be My Girl – JYJ
boy: Boys & Girls – LM.C
sad: Sadistic Love – Kat-Tun
lost: Lost Without You – Delta Goodrem
night: The Last Night – Skillet
day: One Day One Dream – Unknown
wolf: Heaven's Not Enough – Steve Conte
robot: -

dance: I Don't Wanna Be in Love - Good Charlotte
time: Bacchanal TIME – D-51
life: Ai ta Kokoro – UVERworld
death: -

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 Ok... Enough procrasination... What the hell do I want?

Heh. I remembered before I entered Uni, I wanted to make things. At first I was thinking about making stuff in a lab and all, hence, my interest in bio. Which made me move towards the bio/biomed area.

But now... I don't know. I still love making things for people. Hence, why I really enjoyed my little bubble tea job. And I would actually love to find a job where I can make stuff for people.

And this course... Well... After the internships and all, I realise that I can't bring myself to care for strangers like that. I'm not that big-hearted. And well... I know stubbornness is the reason why I keep to my course. That and I had a feeling God had something more for me installed in this course...

But now... I don't know.

Heh... Look at me. To be so damn pathetic after one failure. Oh ye of little faith.

But honestly, I actually don't have any confidence in my chinese anymore... And I'm frankly quite tired of studying already... Sigh...

There are better days like today. Where the day has interesting moments. Then there will be days of endless boredom.

And it's really hard to deal with them. On top of the loneliness and homesickness and everything...

Now... I guess I'm just in this course for the people. People like Kyoya, Sweetie and Tamaki. For Nick and HN. For... Just my classmates, I guess. Sigh...

Back to the present?

Sigh... Another... "I have no idea what to feel anymore" kind of day...

There's so many things running through my mind that I don't even know how to sort them out... Doesn't help that my emotions are also all over the place... And I just wanna play my games and not think about it... Or at least until they have settled by themselves then I sort them out...

Sigh...

Been feeling just out, I guess... It's most likely a pile-up from so many things, that I don't know where one starts and another begins anymore.

First of all, there's me missing home. And my parents have been trying to call me. But they always call so late, I'm usually asleep by then. And somehow, every time it's like this, I just really want to give up and go home.

Then there's Cross. And him shackling himself from being touchy and me being on touch withdrawal and feeling like it's close to the end of the world when I heard it. Sigh... And that idiot still thinks that he's a sub for Kyoya and that I don't actually want him... Ugh. You IDIOT. I actually want you so much that I myself am afraid of my own feelings. So much that I don't even trust myself when it comes to you anymore.

And just feeling completely lost here. Hell, it has gotten to the point where self-talking doesn't even work anymore. And just anything can be a trigger to some emotional avalanche.

Heck, I think the only thing that still keeping me afloat is God. Sigh... And a part of me just want to drown already. Like, I came into this course cause I had a feeling God had something planned for me here. At first, I could see it. But now... As all the fog and doubt sets in, I don't know anymore. Everyone tells me to trust and wait... But... Sigh.

Back to the present?

Sigh.

These few days have been a rather emotionally tiring. First with Cross, then with endless dreams around the same theme, and I don't know. Just emotionally tiring.

The dreams... Well... The dreams are obvious enough to me. It's always me running. Running away, as usual. I think... There's a part of me that's afraid. Afraid of falling fast in love. Afraid of letting myself go. Afraid of so many damn things. That it holds me back.

And then there is this other, whimsical side, that just wants to freefall all the way. That just wants to go as far as I can with Cross and see where the road leads to. To just be myself around him, and be happy. And just let go and no fear or worry or panick or anything.

Sigh. Hence, internal WW3. One side keeps pulling me back. Telling me that it's too fast, I'm getting too close, that I don't know Cross well enough, that it's getting dangerous for me to be investing so much emotionally into this, that I should take it slow, don't do something stupid, and all.

And the other side that is telling me that it's ok to just fall, that Cross will be by my side if that happens, that it's perfectly alright and that I'm in good hands, that I need him and want him, that I'm more dependent on him than I care to admit, that just wants to cuddle up to him and be some sappy pile of mush around him.

And it's always fear that makes me listen to the first voice.

By the way, the past few dreams I've been having is about the same, just different locations and different "chaser". I'm always running away, trying to either shut myself in or shut my "chaser" out. The odd part is, I actually know the chaser means me no harm. Hell, the way the chaser treats me after he caught me reminds me so much of Cross, it's pretty much a no-brainer who that chaser represented.

Yet, I'm still running away. It's like... It's like I'm afraid to be loved like that or something. Yeah. Like Cross said, I have issues.

Doesn't quite help that I've kinda dragged Cross into the crossfire between my two sides. So yeah... I've been confusing the hell out of him and now making him... Well... Like that.

To be honest, yes, I'm damn scared, actually. Heck, it took me a year to realise I had feelings for Kyoya back when I was in Year 2, and even then, I refused to acknowledge it until Cross pretty much shoved it in my face.

And now, for Cross, it's so much faster and I didn't have the luxury of spending a lot of time with him and... I don't know.

All I know is that I can't get him out of my thoughts. Everytime I'm bored or I can't focus, I would just think back on all the memories we had and wishing we could have more, and whatsapp-ing Cross in the middle of lesson just to shut those thoughts up.

Everywhere I go, he's always there in my mind. Even when I'm out with Sweetie and the other girls, he's either in my thoughts or in my conversations. To the point where it's almost painfully frustrating to feel like he's always all around me even when he's not.

And the way he is now... I don't know... Part of me is thankful. The other part just hurts. So yeah. Feeling very divided over here. Sigh... And I keep trying to bury my thoughts in work. But there's only so much work my mind can focus on before it starts wandering again. And it always wanders back to Cross.

Sigh... I really need to sort myself out... Like, a day without studying or going out and just... Sorting myself out...

Anyway, it's late here... And I've to go back to sleep... To my dreams of running away again. I really need to learn to stop running away sometimes... Cause that's all I seem to be doing whenever I'm in a conflict...

Back to the present?

Just read "But Loving Him is Red".

Sigh. This story. Kept making me think of Cross and I. He once told me that there are red strings connecting us. And a part of me wonders if what happened to Stark and Rogers happened to us, what would I see?

Like in the story, due to the distortion of the realities, somehow Stark saw into each of the different universe, and in every universe, in every alternate reality, he saw that he and Rogers are just... Drawn together. Some universe showed them as best friends, some as lovers, some as... creatures of unknown origins... But no matter what they were in each universe, they were together.

And a part of me really wonder what I would see if I could look into those alternate futures. What would I be, and where would Cross be. Where Kyoya would be. And Sweetie. And my brothers. But somehow, it just mainly reminds me of Cross. (Mainly cause the theme of the story was about soulmates...)

Personally, I've never been as sure about this relationship as Cross. But all I know is that, for some unfathomable reason, I can't let him go. It feels like I'm ripping out a part of myself when I tried. And I guess, a part of me wants to know why. Why, from disliking him to him being so tangled in my life that I can't let him go.

Sigh. And I guess the biggest sacrifice of all was that I had to let Kyoya go. Emotionally, that is. The wound still hurts though. And I still do cry whenever I think about it. But compared to when I had to shut Cross out... The latter still hurts more.

Sigh... And a part of me seriously miss Kyoya. He was, after all, the pivotal point of the main changes in my life now. And there is actually so much of me that is adapted from him. Things like enjoying alcohol, taking long walks, drinking bubble tea and all. Haha!

To be honest, I actually like these things initially, but Kyoya made me enjoy them more. Before Kyoya came into my life, bubble tea were just drinks and walks were a time of reflection and solitude and alcohol... Another drink. XD

And now, walks became a means of companionship, and alcohol a little something to be enjoyed between friends, and bubble tea a source of comfort. XD Haha! The bubble tea thing is now also encouraged by Sweetie. Haha!

But everyone that left a definite footprint in my life... Well... A part of them is literally adopted into my lifestyle. So yeah. And I'm slowly adopting Sweetie's feminine side as well. As for Cross... I don't know yet. I didn't have enough time to hang around him to adopt anything yet.

Hm... Maybe "adopting" isn't the right word. Because there is a part of me that's like that already. It's just that... Well... Certain people bring it out more than others, I guess. So yeah... I don't know what sides will Cross bring out though.

Anyway, been feeling a bit out. And sad. And lonely these few days. It's hard here. It really is. And sometimes, talking to Cross brings me down instead of helping me up. Sigh. Like, I know he's having it tough back in Singapore too. And I often have to console him a little and be his support, on top of my own problems here. Sigh. How Kyoya does it, I will never know. (Note to self: New found respect for Kyoya.)

And Cross wants me home... Sigh. I want to go home too. I'm that homesick. And everytime he wants me back, it's just making me more depressed here. And I become more conflicted with myself. The part of me that wants to complete this. And the part that just wants to give up and go home.

Sigh. All I know is that I came into this course because somehow the Lord placed me here, of all the places I could go. And to be honest, while my chinese has never been fantastic, I have never regretted taking this course. I met people that changed my life like Kyoya and Sweetie. And my NTU cell members.

And my 2 years in China was supposed to be fun. To learn how to do housework. And make more friends. And learn to cook. And explore around. And learn to grow further. Learn to be a better person and all.

And I am slowly learning all these things one by one. And when I am, I am really glad I am in China with all my classmates. Then there's Cross. Sigh. And he just makes me want to go home instead of exploring around. Heh. I actually never considered the thought of going home half-way like this until he asked me to just go home to him. And ugh.

And it's a really conflicting feeling. To want to soar, yet feeling tied.

Oh well... Now that I failed a paper, it's not like I have much of a choice anymore. Sigh. Need to start working harder. It isn't easy, but times like these, I really thank God for Sweetie. When I'm really struggling, she's the one that pulls me up and encourages me. And the occasional support I get from Kyoya when I'm really down helps too.

Hm... At this rate... I have a feeling I know exactly what side Cross will bring out... And it's a side I'm not particularly fond of. Sigh. Oh well... I shall see how...

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Now onto really random stuff:

► Name ➔ Ketsurui
► Will you answer all questions truthfully ➔ If I can
► Are you single ➔ Not anymore
► Are you happy ➔ Hm... Contented on some. But questioning "happy".
► Are you bored ➔ A little. Bored of studying, then yes.
► Are you sad ➔ A little.

► Are you Italian ➔ No
► Are you German ➔ No
► Are you Asian ➔ Yup
► Are you angry ➔ Hm... After my post... A little frustrated.
► Are you Irish ➔ No
► Are your parents still married ➔ Yup

TEN FACTS
► Birth Place ➔ Singapore
► Hair Color ➔ Black/dark brown. Well... It looks brown under the light...
► Eye color ➔ Erm... Brown, I guess
► Birthday ➔ 18th June
► Mood ➔ At the moment, I feel like a tangled ball of yarn.
► Gender ➔ Female
► Lefty or Righty ➔ Right
► Summer or winter ➔ Summer. Though I still think Autumn is beautiful.
► Morning or afternoon ➔ Mornings. ^^

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
► Are you in love ➔ To be honest, I don't know. Infatuated, yes. Love, still thinking.
► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ No.
► Who ended your last relationship ➔ The current one.
► Have you ever been hurt ➔ Yeah.
► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ Well. I think so. At least, he said I did.
► Are you friends with your ex ➔ No ex.
► Are you afraid of commitment ➔ Hesitant, yes.
► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ Yup
► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ Yeah.
► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ Yes

TEN CHOICES
► Love or lust ➔ Love
► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ Tea!
► Cats or Dogs ➔ Erm... Both? Though I prefer cats now.
► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ Few best friends.
► Television or internet ➔ Internet, any day.
► Pepsi or Coke ➔ Pepsi Twist. XD
► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ Depends on my mood, I guess.
► Day or night ➔ Day. I'm not quite functional at night very well.
► IM or Phone ➔ IM

TEN HAVE YOU EVER
► Been caught sneaking out ➔ Can't say caught. Considering I announce my departure.
► Fallen off the stairs ➔ Erm... yes?
► White water rafted ➔ Yes!
► Finished an entire jawbreaker ➔ No.
► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ Yeah
► Prank called a store ➔ Nope
► Skipped school ➔ Yes
► Wanted to disappear ➔ Yeah. Some days more than others.

TEN PREFERENCES
► Smile or eyes ➔ Eyes (Especially if they're that nice sexy shade of blue)
► Light or dark hair ➔ Light brown hair for girls. Dark for guys.
► Fat or skinny ➔ I like those guys who are very lean. Not really skinny but athletic slim kind
► Shorter or Taller ➔ Taller
► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ Preferrably, intelligence
► Jock or Nerd ➔ Erm... All-rounder? XD
► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ Relationship
► Funny and poor OR rich and serious ➔ Rich and serious. ^^" I actually have a fondness for those serious, stoic people.

LAST
► Last Phone Call ➔ Tamaki
► Last phone call you received ➔ Dad
► Last person you hung out with ➔ Sweetie and her housemates
► Last thing you ate ➔ Erm... Some biscuits? Still snacking on them.
► Last thing you drank ➔ Coke
► Last site you went to ➔ Twitter
► Last place you were ➔ MacDonalds for lunch

RELATIONSHIPS
► Are you in a committed relationship ➔ Yeah
► When was your last relationship ➔ Non-existent
► Have you ever loved a guy/girl more than anything else in the world? ➔ Yeah
► Do you still love them ➔ A part of me still does. Like he carved his name in my heart kind of thing.
► Do you like someone right now ➔ Yeah

FAMILY
► Do you and your family get along ➔ Yup
► Would you say you have a “messed up life”➔ Nope
► Have you ever run away from home ➔ Nope
► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ Eh... Yes
► If so, how long ➔ I forgot... A couple of hours, I think.

FRIENDS
► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ No
► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ No
► Who are/is your best friend(s) ➔ Kyoya. Sweetie... I dunno about best, but she's definitely a good friend.
► Would you die for them ➔ Yes
► Who knows everything about you ➔ God. And Kyoya. (well... He knows close to everything.)

Back to the present?

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger

The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me, this is gonna make you stronger

Cause if He started this work in your life
He'll be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it

He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

Back to the present?

Sigh.

So much has happened since I came to China.

First, I got attached to Cross.
Then I somewhat lost Kyoya. Well... He's still a friend. But that closeness that we had. It's gone now. And though if I go out with Kyoya one-on-one, it still feels the same, but in class... I don't know. There's a distance.

Thank God for Sweetie. At least it doesn't feel too bad whenever she's around.

Basically, now I'm just struggling to feel normal. I feel like some stranger who has overstayed her welcome in my own place. I feel like I've lost all bearings and am just wandering lost now.

Hell... I can feel my own self spiraling down. And I'm trying to hold it together. At least until I manage to get home. Then I can break.

But I'm really sinking. I know it.

And I have absolutely no idea how to talk to my roomies anymore. I don't know if it's PMS or stress or whatever, but I literally feel like my presence is an annoyance to them. Ugh...

And things like paying the water bill... Sigh. And i forgot about it until the deadline... Zzz. And I thought one of the other girls would pay. But apparently, they were expecting me to pay, since they thought I was in charge of all the household matters (since when was I in charge?!?) And I didn't tell them anything.

Anyway long story short, I was kinda whining to my mom about it, and one of them overheard. And now she's mad at me for complaining to my mom instead of talking to them.

Girl. First you tell me that I'm in charge of household matters. Then what else am I suppose to say? No I'm sorry, I don't want to? Since I'm in charge of the rental already, I might as well. But my mom is saying I should delegate the duty to someone else.

What I don't understand why she is so upset with me... I mean, I was kinda discussing it with my mom (Ok. I was whining to her.) And once I made a decision then I'll tell them... Or was there a rule that I was supposed to tell them first then my family?

Sigh... I don't know anymore.

Doesn't help that my last argument with Cross still haunts me. When he told me that he was bleeding immensely. And that I will never heal him. I dunno... Those words. They haunt me... And whenever they do, I would just cry myself to sleep and hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Now... I think I should just thank God for the days I don't cry myself to sleep... I think that would be one hell of an achievement now.

In the meantime, I have to put on a smile for the world. So that those around me won't worry so much.

Sigh. There are days I just wish I could... Disappear. For a few days. Take a break. Break down. Recover. And go back to being normal. Or as normal as I can in that emotional state.

But I'm in China. I'm a little lost stranger in a foreign land. I have nowhere to run. And I must remember that I'm not alone anymore. Yet... I don't know. I actually feel very lonely...

Sundays are now my little haven. It's my little escape while I try to sort things out.

Back to the present?