Because it's so freaking hilarious that I have to use it. XD Basically, another meme from Ochibi's blog, but I found this one absurdly funny and cute.

That and I'm also generally losing my mind. =P But it's funny as hell. And I think I'll die of laughter while writing this, so I'm totally doing it! XD

eyes: nine celebrity crushes

Point to note: I never really have crushes on celebrities until I reach university. And even then, I suppose it's more of a "Ooo! So cute/cool/epic" kinda thing. Not really a crush, kind of crush. So yeah. It's in no particular order except whose name I can recall first.

1) Johnny Depp
 This one is an obvious reason. I still think he's the best actor and the most amazing one alive. XD But personally, I like the characters he play more than the person himself. I first like him during POTC. His portrayal as Captain Jack Sparrow just won my heart straight from the start. XD

But yeah. When I thought of celebrity crushes, he's the first person that came to mind.

2) Xia Junsu
Yes. Junsu. The K-pop singer I still love the most. I love how he's always so cute and awkwardly shy and adorable and stuff. XD And yet, when he's on stage, he's just amazing. =^^= Haha!

3) Benedict Cumberbatch
No cookies as to why I like him. He's SHERLOCK. Enough said. And he has THE most gorgeous blue eyes I have ever seen. (Ok. Not so blue. More greenish-blue.) And I love his snarky comments as Sherlock too. XD

4) Taeyang
 This one. XD Has the cutest smile. XD And I find his on-stage personality damn cute. Like, just plain adorable. From the look of joy when he performs, to that shyness he has off-stage, it's just... Cuteness overdose. XD

5) Jiyoung (G-Dragon)
I like is off-stage personality more than his on-stage one. Haha! His off-stage personality is actually a rather soft, sensitive person that is rather task-oriented. I mean, he's a good leader. And a really sweet guy. And I just find him super sweet. ^^"

6) Max Changmin
 Ooo! This guy has one wicked tongue. He has a really sharp wit and even sharper words. Haha! It's not obvious to me initially, until I saw him in variety shows. And he's hell epic at verbally blasting his opponents. Whoo! XD

7) Kamenashi (KAT-TUN)
Just watch this guy perform. You'd understand too. XD

8) Yesung
He has one of the most epic voices I've heard. XD (Erm... He's second. Junsu's first.) ^^" But I find him adorably quirky. A little on the weird side, but still very lovable.

9) Yoochun Micky 
And the last of the DBSK members that I like a lot. XD Micky is the oldest, I think. And he totally gives off this suave, reliable feel to him. And I really like that about him.

ears: eight favorite songs.

1) Thank You for Giving to the Lord - Ray Boltz
This was a song I heard when I was a child. I loved it then, I'm still in love with it now.

2) Pierrot - JYJ
I just love this song. Basically, it's about how his person won't be a puppet to someone else. And There's so much emotion in this song and I love it. XD

3) Never Surrender - Skillet
Another meaningful song to me. It's a Christian rock song. And the lyrics basically say to stay strong in the Lord, and don't give up. ^^

4) Whispers in the Dark - Skillet
I heard this song before I knew Skillet is a Christian rock band, and I thought it was the most romantic love song ever. XD Then I realise it's a christian song. Haha! Which makes it even better I guess. Hahaha!

5) Begin - DBSK
Every day, and night, with you.

And the harmony for this song is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

6) Ghost of You and Me - BBMak
I saw an anime music video with this song. It's about Yami no Matsuei. And yes, the song fit perfectly. And I loved it ever since.

7) Freedom - Masaki Nomiyama
This is some song from Saiyuki. And I have to say, it was one of my favourite songs in secondary school. And I still feel like soaring whenever I hear it.

8) Open Up Your Mind - Saiyuki
This is the background song for Saiyuki. This song holds so much bittersweet memories for me, and it's was and is and will always be my favourite song of all time. Whatever my mood it, sad or happy, I will always feel for this song.

nose: seven favorite scents.

Actually, I don't recognise scents that I like... So I'll just list down what I know and like. XD

1) Lavender
This is a very soothing scent for me. ^^ And I tend to buy showering products with this scent. It's nice. It's easily available. And I like it. XD

2) Absolutely Givenchy
This is actually a perfume I somehow found in my closet one day last year, I think. Anyway, I thought it was a waste to just throw it away, and I thought it was quite nice. So I decided to use it. XD Cross loves it on me, apparently. It's much sweeter and more feminine than the one Kyoya bought for me. And much lighter too.

3) Boss XY
For some reason, I really love this scent on Kyoya. =P It totally fits him. ^^"

4) A Chanel scent which I forgot the name...
There's a Chanel scent I actually really like. But for the life of me, I can't remember what it's called... =P

5) Hammer's cologne
Yes. It's a cologne that Kitty chose for him. And I have to admit, it smells damn nice. ^^"

6) Cross' natural scent
Don't ask me why. But it's those typical musculine kind of scent. (But he stinks when he perspire a lot. =P)

7) Kyoya's current cologne

mouth: six favorite quotes.

The hardest part of this is choosing only 6...

1) "If you want to know the truth, you must have the courage to accept it." - Bear (.hack//sign)

2) If you are the moon, and I am the night, Will the light be drawn to your radiance, Or be lured into my darkness? (Saiyuki Reload)

3) "So tell me, how does it feel to be in a constant haze of stupidity?" – Hiei

4) “When things will get rough I’ll be there by your side. When you can’t sleep at night I’ll make sure you don’t cry. And when the stars light up the sky that will be our signal that our love will never die.” (unknown)

5) All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed (unknown)

6) Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

heart: five people you love in this or any other world

1) Kyoya
2) My brothers (I know there's 2, but let's just put them under one)
3) Cross (Unfortunately.)
4) Kai Hiwatari (My own self-created version of him, that is.)
5) Yuki (I did love her. Maybe the correct term for her, is loved.)

hands: four things you’ve created that you’re proud of

1) My 3D puzzles
They're like my little creations. And I'm damn proud of them.

2) My poems
They're my little think-tanks. I made them. I love them. (Actually, as long as I made something, I will love it.)

3) My first toy racing car
Well... When I was younger, I used to build those toy cars for racing. Although yes, I wasn't too good at it, but it worked. And I was damn proud of it.

4) My little universe in my head
It's actually my escape route from the world. But I've used it much less since I came to uni. But in that world, I created a lot of stories that I am actually really proud of. I just suck at writing them down.

stomach: three comfort foods

1) Ice cream
2) Jelly (like those my brothers buy.)
3) Fruit juices (Don't ask why.)

knees: two things that make you go weak in the knees

1) Kisses on my neck.
Let's just say I have a sensitive neck and leave it as that.

2) When a person stands up for me
When Sweetie or Kyoya gets protective of me, I just feel damn touched. Like my entire inner being just goes "awwww..."

feet: one thing you want to accomplish in life

Travel the world.

Back to the present?

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

 So I decided to tell you the truth about Cross and I (except for the parts where I went out with him), and you concluded I slept with him.

And you, you who have known me for 9 years, you who is supposed to be my best friend, you who I thought understood me best, YOU. Thought I'm some slut that would sleep with my best friend's boyfriend? You, whom I had given up my love interest because I put you first. You, whom I sacrificed my own heart for yours. You, who knows my stand on sex and marriage. Thought I would just sleep with a guy just because I like him?!

Girl. I don't spread my legs to the first guy that returns my feelings. I'm not you. -_-

But fine. Since you obviously know me SO WELL. That you can come to such a conclusion. And instead of clarifying it with me, you decided you want me out of your life. Well. So be it.

I'm out.

I'm done with sacrificing everything for you, because I thought I meant something to you. I thought you understood me. I thought if we have issues, we'd talk things out, like friends do. I thought I was someone you trusted.

Well. I guess I thought wrong. If this is how you trust people, I don't want it. If this is how you show how much our friendship is worth, I don't need it.

I don't care anymore.

Goodbye.

Back to the present?

Today was a hell painful day.

After that whole huge argument with Cross, both of us just parted on really bad terms. And both of us were really badly affected. He took his anti-psychotic meds, so yeah. It's really bad.

For me, let's just say the heartache felt like some form a mild heart attack. It hurts like hell. And I can't eat or sleep. And a part of me just wanna die already.

Meeting him in the morning was really bad. The wounds are still too fresh. And I couldn't talk. Heck, just being around him makes me so damn close to tears. And he can tell I guess. It's bloody obvious.

And Yuki is so damn oblivious. And heck! The tension was thicker than butter. And after the medication wore off, Cross was just angry and having one hell of a headache and ugh.

Anyway, after Cross left, it felt much better. And I managed to talk to Yuki. About us, about Cross. About most of my problems, actually. But I promised Cross I won't tell Yuki about whatever happened between him and I.

But I guess, even though I had quite a bit of fun today, even as I watched The Expendables, watching Barney and Sandra just reminded me too much of what Cross and I were like.

It's like the memories are haunting me. His presence, his touch, the way he looked at me. The wounds are seriously too fresh for me. And it hurts. Like a physical kind of hurt...

Sigh... And I'm seriously damn glad for Kyoya and Sweetie. Although I couldn't take up their offer to meet up with them, but SMS-ing them really helped keep my sanity. And for that morning, it really felt as if I wouldn't be able to carry on without breaking down without the two of them.

And it seriously hurts. To want to be near him, yet knowing I can't. And those memories kept replaying in my mind and I thought I would be driven insane.

I knew I fell too deep. And I guess... A part of me was glad I pulled out now. If I had pulled out later, I wouldn't be able to take it. The pain would be worse. And I would really be stuck then.

At least now... As much as I wish, I know I will never have him. So I rather deal with this pain and move on. As for Yuki, actually, she's also really tired at trying to help Cross. It's been 5 years, and everytime she tries to probe or try, Cross just shuts her out. He withholds information from her, both of them avoid the problems in their relationships, and in the end, Yuki is also really tired.

But while I can try and improve my relationship with Yuki, I can't do anything to help her relationship. It's between her and Cross already. And I'm no saviour. I can't save either of them. I can just pray for happiness for them.

Sigh. And I suppose for me now, God feels so far away. It's like, He's waiting for my heart to break. So that eventually, I'll see Him again. Well... God. My heart is shattered. So help. Please.

And I'm still crying out at night. When I'm at my weakest. Crying for a way out. Because I just want this pain to stop. I just want to fall into Your arms, and be carried out of this storm in my life.

Because Lord, You know, I am not a strong person. I am only strong because of Your strength. I am only wise because of Your wisdom. Without You, I am nothing. And no one knows that better than myself.

Back to the present?

It's hell painful to be in the middle of some warped love triangle.

It hurts more because you want to much more, yet you know you can never have it.

So this is to Cross,

Can't you tell, how much your indecision will hurt everyone around? Can't you tell, that as long as you are not happy, you will never find that "happy ever after" that you always want? Can't you tell, that I want you so much, yet I can't have you?

I guessed I pushed too hard, too fast. But I needed closure. I can't let this just float around and wait for something to happen, because I seriously doubt it will.

Just because I don't need you, doesn't mean you mean nothing to me. Even if I lost you, if you can find a way to be happy, it would be enough for me. Death is never an answer. But I guess, to you who have lost all purpose in life, it's your solution.

You are such an idiot for not being able to see what Yuki and I saw in you. You felt so comfortable in the darkness, in the midst of your demons. So then, why do you still seek the light that you turned your back to? Why do you seek such comfort and happiness in being acknowledged? Why do you care so much about the happiness and safety of others?

Being a martyr saves no one. All you will bring is sorrow. Because you always fail to consider the long term effects of your actions?

Do you seriously think our little fragile triangle will survive? Do you think you can make the world happy, just by forsaking your own? You're more of a fool than I thought then.

Ah hell. You, will always be special to me, you idiot. Regardless of what you think. Whether I lost you, or kept you. You will always be special to me.

And I pray you will know that.

Back to the present?

Because I just had to steal this from Ochibi's blog. XD

Chastity: Prefer relationship or hook-up.
Mine is relationship. I'm... Not too fond of hook-ups. XD I like to know who I'm meeting and stuff. Sides, I not the kind to hit off instantly with someone. It's just... Weird to me. Sure, I can talk to people and stuff. But to really open up to a person... Yeah. I prefer relationships. ^^"

Humility: Something that I like about others.
You want an alphabetical list? XD I have lots of things I like about others. One is a quick wit. XD It still stands as one of the traits I love most about others. I also love it when other people have a rather sardonic or sarcastic sense of humour. Haha! Oh! And I also love it when other people tell stories (stories to me, cause it's not my life) about their lives and the crazy things going on in them.

I like people with really cute smiles (which happen to be mostly girls...) and people with really nice eyes (like Kyoya. =P). And... A whole bunch of other traits people have in general. XD I'm the type to find things to like about people, rather than like people for certain things.

Diligence: One of my goals.
Goals, eh... I want to be a better support to my friends and the people around me. I want to be someone people can rely on, instead of constantly relying on others. I want to travel the world. Own my own home. Maybe have a family (let's just put this under an optional goal) XD.

Kindness: One of my best friends.
My best female friend is Yuki, of course. I know. After this whole drama, I suppose "best friend" doesn't sound right. But she is my first friend. And she will always mean something to me. Even if I'm always having the shorter stick of the draw, that will never change.

My best guy friend is Kyoya. XD Kyoya is like, the defining moment of change in my life. Haha! I seriously owe him a lot. Like I suppose it's because of him, I see the concept of friendship somewhat differently now. Before Kyoya, all I had was Yuki. And I guess... I begin to want more out of the friendship with Yuki, than what we have now. Haha! It's not a bad thing. It's just different, I guess. And it's because of Kyoya, I want to be someone better and more reliable. XD You could say, he's my goal. To be someone like him.

Temperance: Something I wish to have better control over.
My emotions. I get scared of things I can't control. My emotions are one of them. But I am learning from this drama that, sometimes, it's ok to feel and not try to control it. If I try to control it too much, eventually, I won't feel a thing, and that's worse. (Though that's a matter of opinion.)

I also wish I have better control over my awkward self. I mean, seriously! I have seen myself dance in the mirror, and trust me, an awkward penguin is a huge understatement. =P I want better control of myself in general, I guess.

As for other things... XD No point trying to control something you have no control in. That's what God is for. He's my command center. XD

Patience: Something that made me suffer.
Being too soft-hearted. Being too nice. Giving unconditionally. I know, they sound like good traits to have, and in a sense, they are. But they cause a lot of pain, and a lot of hurt, especially on my side.

Being too headstrong. Cause me to jump before I look, speak before I think, and do a whole bunch of stuff before considering the consequences of the actions. =/ On one side, I don't regret what I did, yet on hindsight, I could have handled it better.

Back to the present?

Ok. I'm having withdrawal symptoms from my addiction in the form of Cross.

Anyway, just for the fun of it, we started sharing what songs remind us of each other. For Cross, he reminds me of a lot of songs. The most recent one being "In Your Mind" by SR-71. (Btw, I love this song. BUT I STILL CAN'T FIND A PLACE TO DL IT!!!)

Since he's been having dreams (and nightmares) about me. The nightmares being, me leaving. Especially for China. And somehow... This song reminded me of him.

The song is basically a lover lost his loved one. So there in his mind, he revives the person in his dreams, if he could fall asleep, that is.

Doesn't help that Cross is suffering from insomnia now, due to all the thoughts running through his mind.

And he shared with me this song, "Find Me" by Boyce Avenue. That's the song that he thinks about all the time, when he thinks of me.

The lyrics goes something like this:

So many nights trying to hide it
But now I stay awake just pleading for more
To think this heart was divided
I’m losing sleep cause I can’t ignore…

Feeling your touch all around
Peacefully hearing the sound
Of silence around us, so glad we found us this way

Find me, here in your arms
Now I’m wondering where you’ve always been
Blindly, I came to you
Knowing you’d breathe new life from within

Can’t get enough of you

I want to be where you are
In times of need I just want you to stay
I leave a note on your car
When I can’t find the right words to say

Hearing your voice all around
The last place we’re going is down
I’ll blindly follow knowing you’re leading the way

Find me, here in your arms
Now I’m wondering where you’ve always been
Blindly, I came to you
Knowing you’d breathe new life from within

With you in time
There’s nothing else
My life stands still
You are the will that makes me strong
Make me strong
If ever alone in this world I know I’ll always…

Find me, here in your arms
Now I’m wondering where you’ve always been
Blindly, I came to you
Knowing you’d breathe new life from within
You sleep, here in my arms
Where the world just shuts down for awhile
Blindly, you came to me
Finding peace and belief in this smile
Find some peace and belief in this smile

Can’t get enough of you

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In a sense, the lyrics ring true for him. He said I give him the sanity of life, when he lost all purpose for life itself. And I made him happy, when he felt like he didn't deserve happiness.

Now, before you start judging, let me just say that everyone carries emotional baggages, his just happen to be heavier than most. His hands are stained with blood, so he said, and the guilt and regret of his past weighs him down. Yet, he doesn't know any other way to live.

You could say all he sees is his own darkness and sins around him. And me? I'm some really bright light in his life, apparently, and he's drawn to me like a moth to a flame.

In a way, I guess... We're both idiots. Him, for needing me. And me, for wanting to be needed.

Back to the present?

Oh Dear GOD. Both of us totally have issues letting go.

We were both supposed to let go, but instead, we held on. Haha! We must be crazy.

Heck, I must be crazy for letting myself fall into this. You make my heart pound real hard real fast. And it drives me crazy to know that I have feelings for you and I can't have you.

I know you can't stand goodbyes. Especially if it's me, but all things come and go. And I have to go. And I want to. I want to go to China and come back as someone better. Someone stronger. Someone who can be your pillar of support.

Though I think we will both go insane from the distance and all, but you can't give me what I need. Not yet.

And hell... I'm totally gonna miss your hugs when I'm in China. Haha!

Although you said if I found someone meant for me, you would let me go. Dude. I have yet to find someone for me. I don't think 2 years is gonna make much of a difference.

But you. You need me. I can literally feel that from your hugs. And as long as you need me, I'll stay by your side.

Ugh. I know it's a stupid decision, it's a decision that's gonna get me hurt more than ever. And I don't know, when I come back, depending on what happens, I may even lose you.

But I guess, it's the luck of the draw. Even if it hurts me, I don't want regrets. If I cut you off like that, not only will I regret it, I don't think I can forgive myself for doing that.

So I would rather live with the pain, than to live with regret. Sides, both of us. Are more alike than we care to admit.

Both of us are givers. If we care for someone, we would give up everything for them. But a relationship... Needs to give and take.

I need to work on the taking part. Haha! I still don't know what I want of you. Because I can't take too much. I can't take as much as you want to give.

It's not right. Hell, even us, it's not right! But I guess, I'm still human after all. I'm selfish. I still want that small piece of you for myself.

And even if it's a short while, thank you for showing me what it's like to be loved and needed.

Back to the present?

Just for the heck of it. XD

Kyoya is my Doubter. That one is confirmed! You should see the way he questions me sometimes! If I wasn't so sure he's a really good friend, I'd would have thought he wanted me to die from overusage of my brain. XD But he always makes me think in a way I've never really considered before. ^^" And personally, I think I'd be half the person I am today if it wasn't for Kyoya. =^^= So yeah. Cheers to Kyoya~!

Shell is my Connector. It's rather interesting, actually. Shell and my personality, the way we think, is actually quite similar. But she took the path of business, and me? I took the path of fairies. =/ Anyway, both of us have a sort of push-and-pull relationship. I keep her from getting too materialistic, she keeps me from being too idealistic.

My Mom is my Example. She's the person I want to be the most. Grounded, yet with big dreams, and goals to reach them. She's funny, yet she knows when to be serious. She's always so carefree, yet she takes responsibility of all 3 of us. She's so many things! =^^= And I want to be like her.

My Dad is the Taskmaster. He just nags and nags and nags, actually. But he's the one that goes around my brothers and I to make sure we are doing what we are supposed to be doing. To make sure we get things done. =P And as much as I love to fight with him over the smallest things, I have to admit, I'd be an even worse slacker if it wasn't for him.

My brothers are my Cheerleader. To put it simply, I live for them. I will do anything for them. I keep wanting to be a better person, a better sister, a better role model for them. And in return, whenever I falter, they're my support. They're the first people in my life that listens to me without any input. Heck! Sometimes they agree with me when I'm sprouting nonsense! So yeah. They fit as my motivation.

I have no idea who's my Instigator, actually. But as far as inspiration goes, Sweetie is my inspiration. She makes me want to try things again. To make things happen. Even though I am damn scared sometimes, or I freak out, I want to try, for her. I dunno. Everytime I see Sweetie, I feel hyper. I feel hopeful. Like around her, things might just turn out ok.

Haha!

There should be one more category. =P In my life, there's someone who is my Altar. Yuki is the person I would give up everything for. As even though I can't stand it sometimes, a part of me expects nothing in return... Sigh. Yuki is lucky. She has Cross and me. And both of us would have given up the world for her, regardless of whether she would give back. And it's actually very painful. To know that she doesn't give back...

Cross says it's not that she doesn't want to, but she doesn't know how. Yeah. And 9 years of her life of working and she never even bothered to learn... Sigh. Ah well... I guess I have to move on too. No point harping on things I can't change.

Back to the present?

OMG!!! My poetry skills suck so bad, since I never had time to maintain it. UGH. It's been forever since I needed to write anything. The last time I wrote anything it was in JC2. And it was one hell of an emo poem... =P

Anyway, here's one for my current situation. I apologise if it sucks.

*~Beyond Me~*

You were never mine to hold
Despite my wants and desire
One day, we have to part
Because you were always beyond my grasp

Maybe if things turned out different
Then we might be together
Yet if things were different
We might have never met

A part of me wants you
A part wants your love
But it’s not mine to keep
You are not mine to claim

Sometimes I wish I could hate
And drown you with my pain
Yet I know I can’t
My heart, too soft for that

So I’ll make my resolve
And stay as long as I can
Be your support in every way
Until need is no longer there

Even though I yearn
And in anguish, my tears fall
Because I know we will never be
For you are always beyond me

Back to the present?

I think after thinking about through last night (and ranting on my blog), I guess I found my conclusion.

I can never consider anything with Cross without considering Yuki. And while I am getting more pissed off at Yuki in general because I think she needs to be a better friend because I myself am trying like hell to reach to her, but in the end, she matters too much to me (and I am an idiot that puts so much value in her).

But no matter my feelings, I will never take Cross from Yuki, even if I want to. That is a fact.

And knowing that he will never be mine, knowing that he pretty much dangled what I wanted the most in front of me and know I can't have it, I really wish I can hate him and be pissed off at him, but I can't.

And I guess what he says is true, eventually, I will move on without him. I will learn to leave him behind, like I do to others.

But as of the moment, I can't do that. So I will distance myself. After all, I am the third party here...

It's better this way. And eventually, I will reach a point where I can kill my heart and build back my walls.

Though I seriously doubt things can be the same. The number of people I am willing to sacrifice my world for can be counted on one hand. And he's one of them. So yeah...

I may not be able to return his love, nor can I take it, but he is still someone I will always treasure in my life.

And I guess what he says to me will also hold true for him. That no matter what happens, he will always be there for me. And I, too, will always be there if he ever needs me.

And while I can't return his feelings, I won't reject him either. I can't. So whatever he gives me, be it good or bad, I'll just accept it. It's the least I can do for him.

For now, however, I'll just live with the tears.

Back to the present?

Ok. I need to pen down my thoughts or my own mind is going to go crazy.

First of all, I need to kill myself. Kill Cross first, then kill myself.

Zzz! Ok.

Let me make more sense.

First of all, today, Cross asked me if I wanted to go swimming, and I thought why not. MY FIRST FUCKING MISTAKE.

Zzz! I should at least have some BRAINS to ask WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE GOING! But no. Apparently, his version of swimming means water park. And well... Mine means swimming. -_-

So yeah. Didn't do as much swimming as I wanted to today, but at least I got company. And yes, Cross and I have this... Weird relationship. First we'd be joking, then we'd be insulting each other, then we'd be all cozy and shit...

And yes. I realised that I do like him. A bit too much for my comfort.

Anyway, long story short, he kissed me.

And I swear, my mind just went BLANK. I didn't even want to know what would happen if I responded. I'd probably be feeling much worse off than now... BUT FUCK. I really wanted to.

But I have my obligations to Yuki. FUCK. Why the hell can't Cross' girlfriend be some other girl?!?!? I would have no guilt in stealing him from her then!

And yes, I want him that much.

AND UGH!!! I know that technically, other people's boyfriends are off-limits. But he isn't happy. And is looking for a way out. And I have to admit, it's damn nice to be loved. To have all the attention of someone on you. To mean the world to someone.

BUT WHY THE FUCK MUST THE ONLY PERSON WHOSE FEELINGS I CAN RETURN BE ATTACHED?!?!?! TO MY BEST FRIEND NONETHELESS.

This is one huge fucked up drama that I can't decipher anymore.

Oh and apparently, Yuki is rather bi-polar towards Cross... Like, a couple of hours she's all sweet and caring, and the next couple of hours, she's all mean and trying to hurt him with words, and the next couple of hours, God-knows-what mood sets in. And yeah... It's kinda driving Cross up and down the wall.

And I suppose that's why he turns to me. Cause I'm way more stable than her, to him.

And I suppose... I guess because Cross has always been Yuki's, in my mind, I can never consider doing anything with him without considering her. HENCE THE BLANK MOMENT WHEN HE KISSED ME.

IT WAS MY FIRST KISS TOO.

And me... I'm selfish too I guess... I wanted love for so damn long, that I would jump at the chance to get it. But it's so near, yet so far. It's at the palms of my hands, yet I can't close it. I can't keep it. Because it was never supposed to have belonged to me in the first place.

Yet I can't let it go.

The only way I can let it go is to literally shut him out of my life. And trust me. I tried. And it's hell painful. And I don't want to go back there again...

But now... What do I do? There is NO FUCKING WAY I can just forget all about it!! And don't ask me to choose sides. Yuki may be my best friend, but Cross definitely treats me more like a friend than Yuki.

Heck! There are even times I do wonder if Yuki actually thinks of me as a friend, because our conversations are superbly one-sided. All I know is what she's working as, and her love for games and comics and ice-skating. I know next to nothing about her life.

I have no idea about the people she met in her life, I don't know what she likes to watch, or eat (other than eggs), or even likes to do! Heck! I don't even know what kind of character she likes in games! Or even what colour she likes.

Heck! Even when I go out with her, it's either to look at figurines or comics or games. And I know nothing about these three. And she doesn't bother explaining them to me. And I have tried. I have tried playing the games she play, but I really REALLY suck at games, and in the end, I get left behind by her... And I don't spend the amount of money she spends on comics, so...

And I do feel sometimes that our friendship is held on by me, because she sure as hell ain't reaching back. At least, with Kyoya and Cross, I don't feel like I'm the only one holding onto the friendship. Heck! Even Shell, whom I meet once a blue moon or so, doesn't make me feel like I'm the only one holding onto the friendship!

And I see Shell less times than Yuki!

Yet, Shell and I, our friendship is super easy-going. Like, when we meet, we would update each other about our lives. The guys we like, the people we met, the people we dislike, things that annoy us, reflect back on old days, etc.

With Yuki... I do all the talking. If I don't talk, there will be silence between us.

-----------------------------------------

Anyway, back to the topic.

So now... With Cross... What do I do? I can keep things as status quo... Meaning I keep Yuki in the dark, deliberately withhold information from her (as Kyoya puts it), and keep this fragile pretense that everything is alright so that our friendship (among the 3 of us) will not be hurt. Or I can tell her, and let all hell break loose.

Personally, I wish I can tell Yuki to just break up with Cross, because their relationship IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WORKING. They are both trying to make things work! But dude! Seriously! After at least 4 years of failing, what makes you think it'll work in the future!!! STUPID IDEALISTIC PEOPLE!!!

Yet, if Cross and Yuki breaks up, I'll never see Cross again. So... Ya. I feel like killing both of them now...

Now I'm dragged to their limbo for my stupidity and his idiocy. Brilliant.

Back to the present?