Oh wow. I know there's not much time left for my thesis and poster, but there's a part of me that wants to meet everyone I know before I go to China.

It's like I'm not gonna come back... =X But yeah. I've got my dose of Tamaki and Kyoya today. =^^= Because our class had a briefing today. Haha! Tamaki always makes me feel happy. That's probably why I like to see him. ^^

Kyoya makes me feel sane. =P Like, I feel more stabilised when I'm around him. That being said, I still feel like hugging him cause he's all stressed out from his FYP. XD But he's not quite a fan of PDA, so yeah... =/

Ooo! And I saw Sweetie again! =^^= She makes me feel hyper. ^^" Like some energizer bunny. Hahaha! She's so cute~! Ok. I really  should stop gushing over girls... It makes people question my sexuality. And it freaks out the people in my church...

That last point is actually very funny, yet sad. It shows that the church is not as accepting as it says it is... It's like... a white lie... But to me, it means a lot... Acceptance... Is like some facade in my church... When I first came to RiverLife, I felt accepted. But as I stay on, as I refuse to conform, I realise... It's all a lie. Sigh.

Anyway, moving to happier topics...

FINALLY. Cross and Yuki have come to some agreement! Whoo! No more emo-ish issues about matters that can be easily resolved if THEY JUST TALK ON THE SAME LEVEL!!!

That being said... Cross now gets easily upset at almost everything that Yuki does... And I know it's been 5 years and all, but I really think if they really cannot resolve their issues, they should just break up. I don't care that they love each other to bits.

Relationship takes more than just love to survive. And so far, theirs is not surviving well...

Sigh. I seriously wonder how are they gonna survive... I mean, if Cross is gonna need me (I'm his sanity pill) to stabilise him because Yuki is pissing him off, or driving him crazy, then... Well... It's not healthy for them...

And I'm meeting various people over the entire week. XD First, tomorrow I'm meeting Cross, since Yuki pissed him off (again), for lunch. Then I'm meeting Sweetie (YAY!) on Wednesday for dinner =^^=, then having some epic sleepover with my cell members. So yeah... I dunno how I'm gonna finish my thesis and poster by then, but I will try something! ^^"

So yeah... Oh. And now, Yuki wants to matchmake me. Brilliant. No offence to her but, seriously, her taste in guys sucks...

And mine is... Too damn high.

But... Well... Sigh. You get the idea.

Hahaha! Anyway, today's a really good day. =^^= I'm glad I got to meet everyone I wanted to meet.

Back to the present?

Cross,

I'm sorry.

When you made that decision of yours, I knew what was mine.

Pretending is never a way to happiness. And I can't be happy, knowing that you are struggling to find your happiness. That's why I kept pushing you to make yourself happy. To be a little more selfish in chasing after what makes you happy, and stuff. Because, I needed you to be happy, for me to be happy myself.

If you want to play pretend for the rest of your life, I already know the outcome to that decision. Kyoya's situation was something like that, and God help me, I will not sit by and watch that same sad look on Kyoya's face appear on yours.

I can't.

I can't watch you and Yuki destroy each other like that. I can't watch that love of yours become a chain that binds you down. I can't watch Yuki's heart turn cold from indifference of it all. And I can't stand sitting at the sidelines watching it all unfold and feeling completely helpless about it.

If you refuse to help yourself, no matter how I try, I cannot save you. God knows, if I could, I would have given you everything, if it could help solve your problems. But when you made that choice, I know, for sure, it's going to go south.

And I'm so sorry. But I have to shut you off. I can't watch this disaster happen. Not to you. Not to Yuki.

So goodbye.

And I can only hope it all ends well.

Back to the present?

Ok. FINALLY. Drama sort of settled already.

Well... Let's just say things are not all as peachy as it's supposed to be... But... Well... It's as good as it can get with all these things going on.

Welll... First thing that sort of changed is that Cross pretty much messages me/msn me almost every single day since then.

Yeah. And well... I'd be lying if I say I didn't like the attention. ^^" Yes yes. I'm a bloody attention seeker. And he loves giving attention, so... =/ Win-win situation?

And no matter what Cross says, I think Yuki has quite a part to play as well. Ugh. That stupid STUPID girl. She's totally playing the "hot and cold" card. Cross was telling me that Yuki doesn't care. She doesn't really care about him, yet she clings onto him. She's detached yet she doesn't want to let go. It's totally crazy, to me.

Guys, especially guys like Cross, they like to feel appreciated. Wanted. Needed. Etc. And... Well... Yuki does the exact opposite. She just assumes he would be there. Which he would. (He totally has this Prince Charming in disguise complex.) But... UGH. It's not healthy. I can totally see them blowing up in the future. Heck! I doubt they'd even last the year.

But that's just me I guess.

So right now, he's playing martyr and I totally want to kick his ass through a wall for it.

But it's the path he chose... And no matter how I try, he won't change his mind about it. To me, pretending to be happy, pretending everything is all roses and rainbows, that's not happiness. And I can't sit by and watch Cross and Yuki become like Kyoya's parents. I can't.

And I guess, all that's left is goodbye.

Back to the present?

Ok. Drama aside, I had to do something else or I'll go crazy.

Ok. First of all, on Monday, I met Mr. Quirky. XD He's still as awkward as ever. XD Eh... Let's just say that his EQ is about that of JVF and Kyoya's "favourite" foreigner. But he's trying. XD

And for him, I've seen him being bullied to tears, I've seen him verbally beaten down, I've seen the cruel way people treat him just because he's a little different. And seeing him now, being a somewhat businessman, and learning how to talk to people, somehow I'm glad. I'm really glad he's alright now. Haha!

It'll be a while before he would really be accepted by the world around him. But he's on his way there. =)

And I've met my roomies and had dinner with them and discussed stuff about China with them. XD And passed my thesis physically to the prof, since he has difficulty receiving it.

AND I MET KYOYA. WHOO! Haha! Kyoya tends to make me forget the world and my issues. XD Don't get me wrong. Those issues don't disappear, but Kyoya's presence just somehow gives me some respite from it all. ^^"

And somehow, I'm scared. I'm scared that during that 2 damn years in Beijing, I'd fall for Kyoya and lose him. I'm actually more afraid of the losing Kyoya part than the falling part... =/ It's getting hard, you know...

Imagine the guy/girl of your dreams is your friend. A very good friend. How long do you think you can keep that lie, that you can be just friends and nothing more? Haha. Who am I kidding? Hell. If it comes down to it, I rather kill my heart than lose Kyoya. It's not worth it. Not to me.

Actually, I rather kill Cross. -_- He's being all attention-seeking and FREAKING ANNOYING again. But... Most likely, I won't ever see him again. So... I'll just "enjoy" this as much as I can. And hopefully, I can learn to let go when I go China.

Back to the present?

Ugh. It really can't get any "better" than this.

First of all, I'm caught in the middle of some crazy-shit soap drama between Cross and Yuki.

Long story short, Cross thinks they're not gonna work out in the end, and is considering out. Yuki thinks love will pull through somehow. Or she wants to break up too. Or GOD KNOWS WHAT SHE THINKING!!!!

UGH. Yuki's too private in her thoughts for me to know what she thinks sometimes... There are times it's logical. AND THERE ARE BIZARRE MOMENTS LIKE THIS!!!

For now, the situation is, Cross has been playing middleman for us the past year or so. Every time I wanna meet with Fran, or he thinks we're not meeting enough, he would help us arrange some sort of meeting for us.

And I dunno... A part of me is really glad he's helping. A part of me has this fear that Yuki's just agreeing to it, cause he insists. And not because she wants to see me. After all, Yuki has Cross, and she definitely doesn't need me in her life... So yeah...

And for the latest outing, Cross told me that Yuki was mad at him for trying to get us together, instead of spending time with her (they spend at least 5 days a week together...) And I forgot the "don't tell Yuki" part. And I asked her if she was mad at Cross, and if she didn't want to see me.

Of course, typically, Yuki gave that "of course I want to see you, you're my best friend" kinda speech, but apparently, afterwards, she accused Cross of trying to sabotage her friendship with me.

And no. I absolutely do not see the logic in it...

Anyway... Now, Cross is pissed off. And. UGH. WHAT WAS YUKI THINKING!!?!?!?!

UGH. Anyway, the whole relationship issue between Cross and Yuki is pretty much like a soap drama itself... So including this... It just got a whole lot dramatic...

Oh yes. The top dramatic point of this whole piece of shit is... Cross is getting emotionally attached to me. (As in, he's starting to have a crush on me.) BRILLIANT. Someone up there is definitely having a blast and eating popcorn somewhere.

And my bloody thesis refuse to send to the prof!!! I send it at least 3 times, before deciding to hell with it all, and using my ntu mail instead of my usual gmail. CAUSE GMAIL IS SENDING THE DAMN THING BACK TO ME.

Life is wonderful.

Back to the present?

Thesis writing is slow... Cause I'm too damn lazy to read all those damn articles and write down all my stuff... And... I'm writing this instead. =/

So far, after lab, life's been a little crazy over the weekends, and rather dead now over the weekdays.

Sunday was a rather sad yet happy day (if it made sense...) It was the last time I'll be in choir for the next 2 years. It's the last time I'll sing on stage like I did that day. It'll be a long time before I see everyone in choir again...

And I know, I can always rejoin the choir when I come back. But somehow, I know, things will be different. Some people would have moved on, others moved in. Even my cell group will be different. Like, right now, I'm in the cell group category of HighLife NTU cell. But when I come back from BJ, I'd be in OneLife Young Working Adults cell.

It'll be some crazy jumping shit all over the place before I can figure out my place in church again. Sigh. And I miss Kyoya and Tamaki...

Oh. And I heard there's some weird rumour about Tamaki and I going around somewhere. XD Rumour has it that he came to SGH to have lunch with me. Hello people! Do you seriously think he's that bored to do so?!

Truth is, he came to SGH to collect his medical report (together with the J-Virus Factor) and invited me for lunch as well, since he's here. XD But oh well. Sometimes rumours are so hilarious, I really have to laugh before setting them straight.

Anyway, I hope to see Kyoya at least once more before I fly off first... HE OWNS ME A DAMN VISIT TO THE GARDENS DAMMIT!! =P Personally, I rather see the night view of that place, but I can do that with Yuki. ^-^

Hm... Though by this point... I dunno. Yuki and Cross seem to be having issues with their relationship. It'd be a pity if they do split. I, for one, won't be in Singapore to cheer Yuki up. Two, it'd be awkward talking to Cross, knowing that he's the cause of Yuki's pain this time. And... UGH. I dunno.

I always thought Yuki would get her "happy ever after" way before me. =/ It seems that life... Has its own way of screwing around... I guess. =/

Back to the present?

It's been quite a journey, and a part of me is quite unwilling to let it end. My project is actually really simple. I'm just doing IHC. And at the end of it, I just go "That's it? That's all I'm learning?!".

A part of me really wants to learn more. But I guess I still have a long way to go. My prof was just telling us what he thinks of the spirit of research. And that even in something simple like IHC, there is so much to learn from.

He was telling us about how, no matter what technique we're using, we must always be aware of its limitations, and from these limitations, plan our future directions. No technique is perfect. And even for something simple like IHC, the technique itself varies from lab to lab, country to country. And the whole idea of research is a constant battle of questions and evidence. And basically, have confidence in ourselves. That we did the technique right, and the results in front of us are the evidence of our work. (I always have this paranoia that it's a mistake whenever I get anything odd. Yet, as the prof says, discoveries are more often than not, mistakes.)

It was actually quite interesting to listen to him. It's nothing new, per say. Yet, to hear it being said, and the way the prof says it, it's like taking that first step into some kind of Wonderland all over again.

And as I look back, I guess it's a really interesting journey. I talked to and learned from everyone there, including those NUS High students that were also interning in the lab. (I realised the Gemini social trait in me tends to show whenever I'm not in school...)

And when I could, I would visit Home@68. The food there is nice (the mushroom cream pasta is God-sent!) but I love the service and company there. Even though Sweetie isn't always there all the time (I didn't really expect her to be either. She's quite busy with her project too.) but her boyfriend Puppy (well... he does have this puppy-ish expression on his face...) sometimes talk to me when I'm there, if not, the waiter/waitress would come by for a chat. Heck, sometimes the auntie (Puppy's mom) would also come by to talk to me!

And I guess it's not so much the food, as it is the company that makes me keep wanting to go back to that place. Most of the people there are Christians, yet I don't feel judged there. And I dunno. I like that feeling.

I used to have that feeling when I first entered RiverLife. But the longer I stayed, the more I'm expected to conform, to fit in, or be judged. And that feeling disappears altogether.

And only time will tell, I guess. If the judgement ever comes.

That being said, since I visited the cafe quite a bit this week, I also managed to talk to Sweetie quite a bit. ^^ And to Kitty as well about the class in general. (And what we admire in some of our classmates... XD That convo was quite interesting.)

Haha! The only part I realise that I seriously need to learn is how to comfort or help Kitty and Sweetie. Like, sometimes when they're not feeling well, or upset or God-knows-what, I have no idea what to do. Outwardly, I'd be trying to give them their space, while inwardly, I'd be panicking at what I should be doing to help them. UGH.

And Sunday will be my last moment in choir...

And a part of me is seriously going to miss choir when I go China. I'm gonna miss all the camaraderie that I had with the choir. And when I come back, I know it's going to be different. But how different, I do not know.

UGH. Now that the lab part of FYP is over, I have way too much time to think of these nonsense... Must focus on getting my thesis right first...

Back to the present?

Yo! It's been a long time since I last wrote here. XD I've been busy with FYP. Now that I finally got SOMETHING. I've been kept busy with lots of experiments. So here's an update on what's been happening! XD (It's according to what I remember, as usual)

First of all, I found proper results for my brain tissues! =D Haha! I am so glad! That being said, I found my gene protein in places where I shouldn't as well... =/ But somehow, my stains are specific. So I think they mean something, it's just that no one else found it (yet). Anyway, my professor is helping analyse the results (because I can't see shit) and finding out lots of cool stuff. XD

It's also kinda nerve-wrecking, cause you have no idea is the results really like that, or is it because of your own technical errors. So far, it seems like the results are really like that. XD Hehe!

Now once the professor gives the go-ahead, I shall test on the NB tissues themselves, then I'M DONE! Whoo! (Thank God. I was running out of tissues...)

On another note, writing the damn report is a bitch... Zzz. I wrote out my methodology, some introduction, some discussion and the word count hasn't even reach 1000... Great. I'm gonna die... Zzz. I hate reports... I really do.

Now onto happier matters, I went to Cosfest 2012~! As a schoolgirl of some sorts, but yeah. XD It kinda tickles me, a student, to be going as a student. =P The event itself is nice. Haha! I saw 3 fluffy dragons and was gushing to Ochibi about it for... over an hour? Until she has that same exasperated look as Kyoya. ^^" What? They were seriously damn cute! Haha! And I went up to a blue fluffy dragon and asked for a hug~ =^^=

The only down side about the whole event is that they didn't dance the traditional Caramel Dance. BLASPHEMY!!! >=( I was looking forward to that event most and... IT NEVER HAPPENED!!! I WASTED MY LIFE!!!

Oh well... At least I managed to spend time with Ochibi. =P

Oh yes! And last week, I went to Happy Ever Laughter with Kyoya. ^_^ It was crazy funny! Full of puns and jokes and double endeavors and all sorts of crazy stuff! XD That was a really fun 2 hours of my life. XD Oh! And best, FOR ONCE, I didn't hear a word of criticism by Kyoya about my clothes. =D (Either what I wore was nice enough, or he forgot...) But it's definitely something to be happy about. ^^

Eh... If you wanna know what jokes were said... You have to ask Kyoya. I only remember laughing... =P

Home@68
And this week, I went to Sweetie's boyfriend's cafe at Chinatown. =) They have really nice food there. Really well-made. Though some of their dishes were not very filling. =/ But Sweetie told me to try their Chinese Wine Chicken and it came with rice, and it was full enough. ^^" It's really a quaint little place and there's a floor with tables just for studying on the second floor (first floor is where all the food is) and the third floor is for dancing. XD

It's really nice. XD I'd probably be going back on Friday to try out their cream pasta. XD And the people there are really friendly too. And I guess the company itself makes the place seem a whole lot nicer. XD And I can properly peg Sweetie as an extrovert. I have never seen anyone so eager to meet new people. =P It's something I can't quite understand... Haha! Probably it's the same to those people who can't understand how I can be so quiet sometimes. =P

Anyway, I'm done for the day, so ciao people!

Back to the present?