I finally had dinner with Kyoya! XD

Haha! I actually quite missed his company over at the left side. ^-^ Spike and Hammer are really fun to be around with. But somehow, there's just something about Kyoya. ^^" Grumpiness aside, he is actually a really great friend to have. =P

And yeah... I should have figured I was that obvious, that quite a number of people in class figured it out before me... Actually... I suppose I knew it all along. I just didn't want to admit it. Because I still don't know what to do with it. Oh well... I have time to figure it out...

And Kyoya was telling me I should grow up. Truth to be told, I think I grew the most here at Uni already. Though there is always room for improvement... In my case, lots more improvement... >.> Though I am not quite sure how to get there...

First of all, my self-discipline skydived and died since JC. Zzz... I need to revive it somehow... Especially when it comes to studying. God knows, I hate it. I enjoy learning. Though I would enjoy my stupid mod more if I actually saw the sense in learning it...

That being said, 各家 is actually quite simple... Heck, if I can figure out how to answer about 50% of the questions with only 2 days of studying, it's simple. ^^" (ah... My answers are not always right though... ) Usually, I would spend about double that time trying to memorise those stupid words... So yeah... I can still hope.

Next, my mental and emotional growth. Personally, I have absolutely no idea how to work on that. Wearing my emotions on my sleeve is a rather revealing thing. Doesn't help I'm actually quit oblivious to it. So basically, everyone can pretty much guess my emotional state before I even figure it out myself. Yay.

I think it's a rather dangerous thing... For my emotions to be so easily read by everyone. I mean, there will be people like Kyoya (like him as in, good at reading people) out there in the world, with much darker intents. If they can read me like an open book with huge BOLD prints... Well... I'd pretty much be some little puppet dancing to their merry tune...

But how do you control your emotions without shutting it off? =/ I have no idea... Zzz.

For me, I tend to block them out by distracting myself. But... Well... As you can all see, I suck at controlling my emotions. Because I never really saw the need to either... Oh joy. I'm totally gonna get screwed in the future...

Emotions aside, I should stop mothering my brothers... Kyoya's right. They're old enough now. Still... I dunno. There's this sense of unease... Or I suppose I could put it down to paranoia. That something would happen. If something's gonna happen, I want to be there to look after my brothers.

But... UGH. Zack's been feeling off lately. And I really really scared something will happen and he would need to be sent to the hospital... And Sam's... Like that... Thinking he has all the energy and ability in this world, but his body can't keep up.

And my parents are enjoying the time of their lives. Yay. I usually don't worry, because someone is always doing the worrying for me *coughDADcough* But now, I guess I'm stuck with the worrying role now. =/ It's such a tiring thing to keep worrying like that...

Let go. Let God. Let go. Let God.

Oh yes, and about my Beijing trip. Yes, I am going Beijing. I mean, I may not want to be a chinese doctor in the future and I may want to do something else. I don't know. All I have are possibilities. What I'll actually do is still very uncertain. But I am certain I don't want to be a chinese doctor.

That being said, I am still going Beijing. Not just for the joy of travelling, but... I have this really odd feeling that if I don't go, I'm going to regret it.

I have no idea what I'm going to do in Beijing actually. When I try to imagine scenerios, all I come up with is blanks. But no matter how I try to tell myself that I should re-consider going, there's this nagging feeling in my mind that says if I don't go Beijing, I'll definitely regret that decision.

And... I trust my gut feelings... ^^" (Just not for exams. They don't work for exams...) I go where the wind blows. And the wind is blowing to China. I don't know why. I'd probably figure it out when I stay in Beijing.

Zzz. So many things to do. So little time! And I was talking to one of my cell leaders last week. And I conclude I am the "Plan my work around my play" kind of person... XD

Back to the present?

Here we go again...

I didn't expect it. But I should have guessed it. I should have figured it out. But apparently, I'm still too stupid...

Sigh. Fuck all this. Sometimes, I wish I can really just shut down. Be a robot, as Cross said.

Zzz. I need to be stronger. Mentally. Emotionally. Especially emotionally.

Ugh. I really should have figured out. But I thought I would be fine. Haha. I really should have figured.

Oh well... Let's play this game again.

Back to the present?

Oh wow. This week is rather eventful for me. Second week as a Leftie. And I have to admit, I'm rather enjoying myself on this side of the class.

First of all, the company is nice. XD Spike, Hammer and the Brain are actually really fun people to know. Haha! Though I think I'm contributing to the distractions that they have. Or to be precise, my iPad is the main source of distraction to Spike. ^^" Sorry!

It's also easier to talk to Fluffy on this side of the class. Haha! And sometimes, it's a nice change to talk to the girls every once in a while. ^^"

Anyway, on the left side, I'm also learning more about Spike, Hammer and the Brain. More of Spike and Hammer though. The Brain... I know the games he likes. XD But he's not a simple person to understand. Neither is Spike actually. =/

Hammer... I think the only reason why I can understand him better is because I've been in his internship group for 2 freaking years! XD If I still think he's all that complicated, I obviously fail as a human. Haha! As far as my internship group is concerned, the only person I have still difficulty figuring out is YC. But that's because she's a very closed person.

Spike... Is not that simple. Or at least, that's the feeling I get from him. He's not as complicated as Kyoya, but definitely not as easy to figure out as some of the girls in class. =P Oh well. Guess I still need to know him better first. Haha!

Kyoya... Is still having issues. And the vibe fluctuates. Like, on Wednesday, the vibe was especially bad... But today was fine. It's still there, but not as strong. Hope he's ok though. He won't talk about it, but I have a hunch about what it's about.

There's not THAT many things that make Kyoya like that. XD

Ooo. And I also need to ask Kyoya to come for RiverLife's Easter service too. I mean... It's the last Christian-ish event that'll happen before all of us fly off to China. And I'm practising like hell for this event. So might as well invite him and Spike to just come for the event...

Haha! When I thought of Easter, Kyoya and Spike were the first two people I actually wanted to invite. XD Hammer and the Brain are second. Haha! But... Ugh. Unlike most Christians, I actually hate asking people to come to church, for whatever reason... You have no idea how many WEEKS I spent antagonising over the idea before asking Spike. Zzz.

So yeah... I still have 2 weeks. Have to gather my wits and courage to ask them all. Zzz... *breathes in* *breathes out*

Speaking of Christians, cell this week was... very tiring. I swear, those people there suck my energy damn fast... After 2-3 hours with them, I just wanna die already. But during cell, I guess God impressed certain things into my mind.

I guess in our own way, although different, we are all God Chasers at heart. We may not agree with each other all the time. But in our own ways, we are chasing after God. We are all looking for Him. I mean, God is omnipresent. But we are looking for His concentrate. (... Sounds very wrong.)

Let me explain. As a Christian, I have experienced moments when God feels really near. Like, Spike sitting next to me kind of near. Like, I can literally just reach out to grab Him. He was that close.

And I'm looking for those moments again. We all are. It's like some wind that blows through your whole being, your soul, and at that moment, nothing else matters except that He's here. And of course, when reality crashes in, there will be people like me that all like "HOLY SHIT. I am in the presence of a KING." (Trust me to forget He's royalty.) And there will be people that will still have their wits with them.

And yeah, I tend to forget God is a King too, because all He ever felt to me was a lover and a best friend. I never quite saw Him as someone as untouchable as a King. Haha! To me, God is someone that I have felt, I have heard. And that's why I believe. Because I have experienced Him, and I fell in love with Him, long before I even understood what love is.

Haha! So now, I'm actually reading this book called God Chasers. Haha! The logic behind this book is very simple. If you love God, and you want a relationship with Him, why wait for Him to chase you? Why can't you chase Him?

So... Yeah. I'm doing the chasing this time. Hopefully it turns out well. So far, it's still ok.

Back to the present?

Left or right?

Initially, it was a question I would never quite consider. After all, I've always thought that my place was in the right. But after circumstances... I'm stuck between where I once was and where I am actually hoping to be.

The left side is actually a much more relaxing place to be at. Although I still fail at trying to figure out what this chinese teacher is talking about... I am really REALLY bad with history lessons. English and chinese, both. =\

Because I just can't understand it. And quite frankly, I don't care who writes what and why and how they wrote it. =( So yeah... History lessons are really bad for me... And my attention span.

Anyway, if you must know... I actually pay more attention at the left side than the right... (Which shows you how "much" I focus when I'm at the right...) And on the left side... THERE'S SWEETIE!!! XD (And Spike, and Hammer, but details, details...) Haha! I think the more time I spend around Sweetie, the more I'm addicted to her aura/vibe. Haha!

She gives a very happy/cheerful kind of vibe to me, which in turn makes me really happy to see her. =^^= Doesn't help that she's super adorable too! ^^" And I have lots of things I wanna learn from her too! (Although I have to get pass that obstacle which is MR...)

But back to the point on left and right. To be honest, the only reason now why I would consider moving back to the right is because of Kyoya.

You could say that I miss him. I miss his bitchiness and irritation and grumpiness and all. I miss the random, near continuous, vibrations of his phone as he messages various people in class because he's as bored as I feel. Oddly enough, I miss the smell of coffee that is always present at his end of the table. XD

Sigh. And after a lot of talking (and joking and playing around) with my brothers today, Sam was being an ass and not giving me the reply that I was looking for (If I ask "Left or right?" He answers "Or!"), but then out of the blue, he commented that I already knew what my answer is. It's that answer that I was hoping for, and I just wanted him to make a decision for me, before I decide to follow or rebel that decision. =P

Personally, I want to stay at the left. I actually like it there. XD Though I'm just a little worried about the intruding part... I mean, Spike and Hammer and the Brain (From Pinky and the Brain, I dunno. That name came to mind when I was thinking of a nickname for him.) said that they don't mind me. And I know the girls definitely don't mind me. (Although I do wonder if they have anything against Spike and the other guys or what...) But everyone else at the back... I have no idea if they mind or not...

... I think I'm considering other people's opinions too much on this matter.

As my brothers would say "If you want to sit left, then just sit left!" And to hell with everyone else. XD Although it's in my best interest that I do not make too many enemies... XD

I mean... I can always go for meals with Kyoya. Just that the environment, the atmosphere on the left side is nicer and better for me. And I think Kyoya would also be happier with more space on the right side for him... You know, in case more people irritate him. XD

^^" It's like... I know my answer, but I'm still afraid to let go of the past. Ugh. I should Dory's (from Finding Nemo) words in mind. "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming~"

Back to the present?

Ugh... Patho is killing me...

And I have issues with sitting down for prolonged periods of time doing nothing but reading about patho... I mean, it's interesting... But it's not the blood-splattering, heart-stopping, bone-chilling kind of interesting. (Although there is blood, heart and bones involved... But it's different.)

Ugh. And I'm studying this crazily for... about 20 MCQs... I can't decide which is crazier. Me studying this madly for a 20-MCQ mid-term test of a 3 AU mod, or the amount that we have to study for 20 MCQs mid-term test of a 3 AU mod...

The best part? I was told that technically all the MCQ choices would be correct. But we have to choose the MOST correct one... This totally feels like a Cheshire Cat question. Annoyingly vexing.

Ugh.

And weekends are usually the best days for NO PROGRESS to be made. Whoo! I'm stuck at the same lecture as I was on Friday. Zzz!

And of course, my lovely mind likes to focus on many many other things other than the things I'm supposed to focus on. Ugh.

Saturday was spent going to MJC's Tea Party. Which was an epic fail in my opinion. And the me now can't believe I was once like those JC students. Part of me is cringing in horror now.

I went with Shell and BMS(MR). Ah... And I have realised that being around MR for prolonged periods of time can be... Very irritating. That one day with her... ... I have no idea how Shell dealed with her for 2 whole years...

Not to say that she's bad or anything... But... She definitely likes to stick her nose into things I rather keep private. And she likes to gossip. A lot. And she's very... squeal-ly and giggly and etc...

And now I wonder how Kyoya deals with me all the time... =/

Anyway, the more a person is like me, the more I can't stand the person. (Which is also the reason why I have such little tolerance for my Dad. In terms of personality, my Dad and I are two peas in a pod.)

The only exception is Yuki. XD Cause both of us actually complement each other despite our similarities.

And there are no epic stories online to buffer this sian mood of mine so... ;_; Zzz. After all these months, you'd think someone would have wrote something awesome. But no. Apparently, the only nice ones are the ones I'm still tracking. And they take forever to update...

The latest decent one was something Ochibi wrote. XD Kanda Yuu as John Watson. I've never seen two people more different put into the same role. XD

Kanda Yuu is like... Kyoya. But more violent, with a shorter temper and more diva. Kanda Yuu acting as John Watson from Sherlock Holmes. XD The thought of it all tickles me.

But Ochibi has really amazing writing skills. XD To me at least. I love reading the things she writes. All in that sarcastic, slightly sardonic, humour of hers. I love it. Haha!

Sigh. I miss her. I miss crashing over at her house and doing absolutely nothing. I miss going out with her for lunches and window shopping (she can't stand shopping either), and talking about guys, fictional and non-fictional. XD

Someone that understands the odd little quirks of mine and doesn't mind them.

=( Ok. Talking about the people I'm missing is just gonna make me angsty. XD Ugh. I want school to be over soon!!!

Back to the present?

Ugh. Personally, I have my hunch... But I'm not sure. For now, I perfectly fine taking the scenic route and take my time figuring it out.

But people are talking. And yes, I know I should listen to what people says, sometimes, but UGH. It irks me. It makes me want to just snap at them and tell them to mind their own business.

Zzz. I'm not that dumb. Thank you very much. I notice things too. (Not all the time, but I do notice sometimes.) It's just that I don't want to jump to conclusions LIKE YOU, so I'm really keeping quiet about it.

Still... I don't know. Part of me is enjoying the exploration part, the other part of me is getting all flustered at the suspense part.

Sorry. I am an idiot. I like to have things confirmed for me, even if I can guess it, I want to know my hunch was right. But girl, please bear in mind, WE ARE NO LONGER IN SECONDARY SCHOOL.

Sometimes, with your reactions, I wonder if you're in Uni. Not to say I'm all that mature myself, but still! Sigh. Your reactions just makes me go "UGGHHHH!" Zzz.

Sometimes I think I'll be better off as an animal... Sounds seem to be a better way of expression than words. XD

Back to the present?

Today's cell group meeting was really like a journey to the past.

First I met someone I thought I had left behind for good, a former church member. It was really nice to meet an old familiar face. She was someone really nice too. XD we caught up on quite a few stuff. Haha! Somehow, it felt so nostalgic. And... I don't quite know how to describe it.

Haha! I guess there's a part of me that is still living and longing for the past. I mean, just today, I met my ex-friend, and there was a part of me that was wondering about "what if"s and "what could be"s. After all, when I was in secondary school, I really thought we could be friends forever. And even now, I really do wonder, what would have happened if we didn't fight. What would have happened if I didn't cut all ties with you.

Would you be the person you are today? Would I be the person I am today??

Even now, although we're nothing more than hi-bye friends, I could see that potential. That we could be back to where we left off. But do I really want that?? =/ To be honest, I have no idea.

And today's cell, I met an old primary school classmate of mine. He was someone I only knew by name, yet... I don't know. I have changed so much from where I once was, and I don't know if he has to. I would like to believe so, but unless I talk to him, I won't know. XD

And part of me really wants to talk to him, to see if he really remembers me, what was his memory of me like and how I have changed. Is it for good? Or...? But there is this part of me that is rather shy about it. After all, I barely remember him at all... Oh well. He's going to permanently be in my cell, so I guess I have time to get to know him.

---------------------------------------------------–---------

And today's cell is about finding our purpose, our calling in life. I mean, there is a primary and a secondary calling. The primary calling is to seek God. That much is straight-forward enough. The secondary calling is our vocation. Our work. Is there really a job that is meant specially for us? Something catered to our desires and abilities? Personally, I have no idea, and I doubt so.

I only know what I want, and that is to travel. Whatever job can take me where I want to go, I'll take it. That's why I'm still considering what I want to do in the future. All I have is ideas now. Ambitions. Dreams. Do I have what it takes to bring them to life? Or will I find out that what I want is not what I'm looking for??

To me, there is so many uncertainties now. And me, being the spoilt pampered brat that I am, have never really worked in my life. And well... Life has a tendency to not turn out the way you want it to be. So... Yeah. I really feel like I'm standing on a shore, with a makeshift boat, all ready to set out. But what lies ahead and whether the boat will survive the trip... I don't know.

Zzz. And I really dislike not knowing. Still... I'm just toying around with ideas now. I mean, part of me really hope they'll come true. But whether they really do or not, lies with my own ability to reach towards them.

XD I'm totally in a "let's see how it works out" mode. Haha! Can't tell if it's a good or bad thing. All thought and no action are nothing but pipe dreams. But all action and no thought is like running straight into a brick wall. Zzz. I need to find my balance.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Aside from all these thinking stuff, I had a nice time getting to know Spike better today. XD I mean, I'm still not all that good at figuring out people's intentions and tone from messages and written stuff. It doesn't help that Spike is just like Tamaki in the sense that there is always a little truth in their jokes and laughter. And they're not all as full of rubbish as they appear to be, or pretend to be.

And I guess the only reason I can tell Kyoya's sarcastic comments and jokes over messages or online is because I had 2 years to properly know him. And even then, I don't ALWAYS get them. =/

And speaking of Kyoya, he seems... Moody/murderous/troubled/etc. these couple of weeks. XD and there are times I do feel like I'm approaching a ticking time bomb when I'm with him. I wonder if he's alright. XD or maybe I'm just bothering him by being around so often... I don't know.

I can't predict Kyoya's mood swings. Sometimes he seems fine, sometimes... It's best to stay clear. Ugh. It's just that I have issues with being alone. And me, being selfish and all, keep hanging around him even though I can totally read that "keep away" vibe from him. I think I must be looking forward to my death... >.>

I need to find new people to hang around with... ^^" and give Kyoya some space and time on his own. I just... Don't know where to go, I guess. Ugh. Sometimes, I think I'm really pathetic.

I need... To move on with life. Zzz. And... Wander around I guess. Which reminds me... I should catch up with Sexy soon... If he's up for it that is. Zzz. It's always painful to face a "oh sorry. I'm busy" kind of message from anyone. Especially if it's someone you consider a friend... Zzz. And sometimes I do wonder if I should just stop bothering... =/

Ah heck. It's late. And my mind is running in circles, as usual. I should just let things rest for now. And just see what would the future unfold. I keep having this feeling that I'm still several cards short of a deck. Zzz.

Back to the present?

2/2
Oh wow. I've shopped so much, I don't ever want to shop for the next century or so. (That being said... I'd probably be shopping again tmr...) anyway, I've bought lots of things. Clothes and other rubbish. XD

Change of topic. Lemme start from the beginning of my trip. Ah.. What did I do...? Shop, shop and shop some more. Oh yes. I also met my cell member, Mel, in Thailand. XD and we went drinking and talked about lots of stuff. Haha! Of all the people in the church, I really miss her the most.

Haha! She understands that not everything in life revolves around the church, even if our lives as Christians revolve around God. And she's probably the only Christian that I can talk to about other stuff other than about christianity. And complain about Christians that we know. XD though she has more faith in Christians than me.

Haha! She's really pretty and I know there's quite a number of guys chasing her. Unfortunately, she's way too strong for most guys to handle. XD haha! I really admire her a lot though.

I admire her strength, I admire her tears, her honesty and how real she is, compared to most Christians I know.

Haha! I was really glad to meet her. I'm not usually good with words. And sometimes our conversations do lapse into silence. Sometimes awkward ones. But it's more of her presence than her words that I enjoy more.

Anyway, yesterday was probably the last day I would see her for the next 2 years. =( cause she's in Thailand for an exchange programme and will only return by June/July. And by then, I'll be having FYP. And after that, I'll be in China. Zzz.

So yeah... I know both of us would change a lot within that 2 years. Both of us are staring down at the same crossroad in our lives. And whatever we choose, our lives would change accordingly. And for all we know, I may not know her after 2 years and vice versa.

Oh well... We'll cross that bridge when we reach it.

Anyway, today we went shopping like crazy. XD and I spent the most. Haha! It's not that I bought that much stuff. But more of... The things I bought aren't cheap, even though it's Thailand.

Haha! I think I've shopped more in these 2 days than I ever did in the past 22 years of my life!! XD haha! And of course, I'm kinda sick and tired of it all already. Shopping is meant to be done with a purpose! Not wandering aimlessly and buying everything and anything in sight. XD

Haha! Anyway, I bought a couple of things that I needed to buy. Such as a more formal pair of heels. XD Part of me really wished that Kyoya was there with me when I was trying to figure out what heels to get. Haha! Anyway, I bought this pair of heels that... Looked more formal, I guess. Haha!

And I think looking for the shoes is the part of shopping I hate the most. Finding a nice pair of shoes is like falling in love. Either you fall head over heels with it, or you reject it outright. Haha! So far, nothing caught my eye. Except that pair the I bought that is. XD hopefully, this pair passes Kyoya's critical judgement. Haha!

And hopefully, I match the right outfits with the right shoes too. XD

Oh! And I recently discovered something. I can totally take those slim cut dresses. Apparently, when I wear those dresses, I discover curves I never knew I had. XD I mean, I knew they existed. Cross told me before, and Kyoya did hint at it too... But it's one thing to be told such things, and other to see it for myself. ^^" haha! It doesn't mean my sense of fashion or my dress sense is gonna improve overnight. XD that would take a miracle. XD (so far, my selection in clothes are like 70% misses, 30% hits.) but I guess... I'm still learning new parts of myself that I never quite noticed before.

Haha! Ooo! And I also learned that my favourite part of shopping is the "trying on everything" part. XD haha! I think I spent more time in the changing rooms than in the clothes sections! Hahaha!

And...I need to start forcing myself to exercise... =((( I'm growing a tummy... Zzz.

Ah well... I think learning more about this... Feminine side of me is actually quite an adventure. I'm learning about things I never really paid any attention to, and there's still so many things I want to learn. XD

3/4
And today was another crazy tiring day. XD the hardest thing to do was shopping for souvenirs. I have absolutely no idea what to get for Kyoya and finding a... Thai girl for Spike is not as easy as I thought. XD

And I want to get a present for... A girl in class but I have absolutely no idea what to get her... Zzz. Anyway, I hope she likes what I got her... X(

4/4
Yes. Time passes so fast. Right now, I am totally not looking forward to my virology test on Tuesday... In fact, I would like a holiday from my holiday. XD

Anyway, I am really glad about this trip. For one, since my dad is on this trip as well, I guess he spent more time learning more about me, about things I like and don't like and stuff.

And of course, I learnt that no matter how many times I tell him, I will always be his 8-year-old little prima donna. Zzz. How frustrating.

Of course, I'm still a little sharp with my dad and we need occasional time-outs to prevent WW3 from breaking out. XD Doesn't help that he's stubborn in his opinion, and I'm stubborn in mine. XD It's quite chaotic.

It's like I'm asking my dad "Is A or B nicer?"
And he replies "Actually, I think C is better. A and B doesn't look nice on you."
Me: "-_- I don't like C. C looks like ugly. So is A or B better?"
Dad: "Hm. I still think C is best."
Me: "DAD. I am not asking you about C! IS A OR B BETTER?"
Dad: "That's what I'm saying! A and B don't look nice! You should try C!"
Etc.

And it didn't take long for me to start snapping at my dad after that... UGH. Then he would walk away and I would steam silently to myself, and make a decision myself.

Sigh. And my mom's taste... Well... I think... All in all, when I shop, it's 70% miss and 30% hit... Ugh. I should shop with Sweetie or Kyoya next time. And I should do targeted shopping. Buy what I want/need and GET OUT. Ugh. Wandering round and round the shopping mall ain't that fun to me...

Anyway, I'm back in SG. And I need to go back hall again... Sigh...

Back to the present?