Ah... I really missed home. And I really missed my brothers and all their nonsense. XD

My mid-terms were great, thanks to Spike. (You know who you are now) XD He gave me a literal crash course on my entire mod. XD I felt like dying after that... My brain...

But most of what he said came out. O.o I still can't quite get used to people being so accurate in exam question spotting. It's one really reliable and useful skill, but I can't seem to learn it to save my life. XD

So yeah. I probably thank you lots of times already, so I shall not bother you with them anymore. ^^" Otherwise it'll just be irritating.

Then the guys wanted to write a letter to the government to try to open a door for TCM in Singapore for our future. And poor Kyoya, tired as he was, wrote the main draft of it. XD Of course, he was a little snappish (Can't blame him. I get grumpy when I'm that tired too.) but that's to be expected. ^^" Haha! The guys have to get used to him when they're all rooming in the same place in China.

Oh and our rooming arrangements is all over the place again. XD Now, 6 guys, including Kyoya, are staying together. Whoo! Somehow, although the guys say that it should be alright and they are easy-going enough and they probably won't argue and all, but somehow... I still foresee disaster in this arrangement...

But whatever they want I guess. =/

But if arguments were to break out, it probably has something to do with Tamaki or Kyoya. Directly, or indirectly. I dunno. But... Zzz. See how. I can't foresee the future... And I don't know all the guys THAT well to predict their actions in the future too. Heck, I have enough difficulty trying to predict Kyoya as it is already... ^^"

So that kinda leaves me to find a new place. Again. Sigh.

Anyway, enough about school stuff.

THE HOLIDAYS START NOW!!! WHOO!!!

And I'm going Thailand on Thursday! XD So if any of you reading this, better tell me what souvenirs you guys want, fast. Otherwise... I'll have to improvise. XD Or I'll just get you a postcard. XD From Thailand.

Hahaha! But today's a really long day. A really nice day, but a really long one too. So I'm gonna hit the sack. Night all!

Back to the present?

Ok. I am in a really bad state of mind...

Not bad, as in disastrous or emo or upset or angry kind... But bad as in, indifferent kind. My final exam paper is tomorrow and I am in a total "heck care" mindset. And I'm studying because I have to. Otherwise, I'd probably ignore everything Chinese related... ^^"

And this indifference is not just for exams, but for everything in general as well... As I realised from my recent conversation with Kyoya. It's... A rather odd feeling to have actually... It's like my emotional state of mind suddenly went into lockdown mode. So I don't quite feel anything. Hence, the indifference.

And I'm seriously about the don't feel anything part... I can't even feel the stress of exams when it's about 24 hours away... Usually, that stress mode would have kicked in by now. Doesn't help that Kyoya is being all emo-ish over the exams and I can't quite say I empathize... Because I can't feel anything... Zzz...

So... Yeah. My emotional state is currently blank. I can't remember much for my exams and basically I'm screwed but somehow, my head is still in the clouds and all. Earth is not quite registering. Yay.

It's a bad state of mind because I have no idea what to do with it. The only thing I feel is sleepy. And the things I read on the news just make me go "Orh. Ok." and... It's causing a slight internal confusion because what I'm supposed to be feeling is not quite what I am actually feeling.

I mean, sure I wear my heart on my sleeves, but while my emotions are generally muted or minor, I can still feel them. This time, it's... Like it disappeared or something. So... It's not quite a bother, but more of... Frustrating to others I suppose. Especially to Kyoya I guess... XD

I dunno... That's what my emotional state feels to me at the moment at least. Indifferent. =/ *shrugs*

Back to the present?

I was listening to this song "Someone Worth Dying For" by Mikeschair, and something about the lyrics just struck me. (by the way, it's a Christian song)

This is how the chorus goes:
Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I want to believe, I want to believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah, I want to believe, Jesus help me believe
That I am someone worth dying for

Somehow, the lyrics got me thinking. Am I really someone worth dying for? After all, I don't have an ego issue where I think I'm God's gift to mankind, so it does make me wonder. After all, I know my flaws, being so glaringly obvious, and in the bible, we are all taught that Jesus died on the Cross for all of us.

And I wonder... What was it that went through Jesus' mind, what went through God's mind for that matter, as he faced death. What did he see in you, in me, in all of us, that made it worth the life of a God? I mean, I'm sure God saw in the future who would betray him, who would backstab him, who would believe and love him, and who pretend to love and believe him, who would refuse to believe him no matter what they see or hear and all. So... Just what did Jesus see in all of us, every single human, that made him believe that it was worth dying for?

Personally, I never believed my life was worth so much that people would die for me. =/ And (believe it or not) I actually struggled for many years, especially on Good Friday, wondering why was Jesus such an IDIOT for dying for someone like me. As in, theoretically I know He died to save humanity and all and it's the will of God and it must happen and blah blah blah, but somehow, I can never quite come to terms with it.

Not then, not now.

And even now I still wonder, what did God see in me, that was worth His crown, His divinity (after all, one of the Holy Trinity, the Son, became a human to die for us), His life and His glory. What did He see in me that was worth giving up everything?

Back to the present?

YES! I finally figured out what to call two people in my class. Hm... Provided I remember their nicknames of course. XD But I have a feeling I'd be using them every once in a while. Haha! Hammer and Spike. ~_^ for those who dont know what those names mean, you can wiki it. XD it'll probably give you a clue on who I'm talking about. XD

Anyway, I'm supposed to be studying but I'm not... ^^" well... As of the moment, I'm definitely not feeling the stress. It feels like I still have years to prepare for my exam (I actually only have less than a week left).

And recently, the guys in my class are... Trying to get the government to do something about the future of TCM in Singapore. I mean... There is potential, definitely. Heck, even US sees the potential in TCM. But our wonderful beloved country doesn't. So if nothing is done, basically, everyone in our course is doomed. Yay.

So yeah. For me... Regardless of what I want, I need to find a job. Preferably one that pays well. Never mind me. But one of my dreams is to see my brother go to a university and do what they love doing, movies. So I guess it's just a matter of which dreams I need to postpone and which dreams matter more to me. =/

I guess I have to postpone the dream of getting my own home then... My dream of traveling round the world... I can slowly fulfill it as I work, play, R and R, etc. Haha! Yes. Those are the only 2 dreams of mine I'm not willing to give up. XD

But for now, I have no idea what I'm gonna do. As much as I want to be some idealist and think I can be some world-class researcher or some traveling doctor that goes round the world curing patients and stuff, but I can't. That realistic side of me is practically laughing at the sheer idiocy of it all. So I guess, for now, I have to see how things turn out and see where I can and cannot go I guess...

I seem to be waiting for a lot of things to happen these days... Whatever happened to taking charge? =/ Then again, being the slow person that I am, I want to see how things turn out (and hope they turn for the better) before deciding anything. Zzz. I sound like some indecisive female. OMG.

This... Is exactly how I choose my uni courses, by the way... I've never regretted the decision that I've made, although on hindsight, I could have chosen something better. But still, I'm here and I have to make the most of it. And it's not like my course is a living hell (I mean, yes, it is, but it's interesting. And that's a major plus side to me).

Anyway, back to my notes... While I do feel like i have forever to study, I know I don't so have that much time, so like it or not, I MUST study. =(

Back to the present?

Kyoya once said that for a religion that preach about peace, Christianity is quite violent. (or something like that...)

Well... Guess what? Today's sermon talked about the start of the declaration of war between God and Satan. And it involves us.

And it kinda all started with a lie.

Satan, depicted as a serpent, lied to Eve about the Fruit of Knowledge (actually, he deceived her), and from then forth, God declared war on Satan. And the war is still on going today, hence the " violence" in Christianity. And God declared that Satan's head will be crushed by a seed (child) of Eve, aka Jesus. But we, us Christians, will be hurt in the process, at our weakest point. (he will bruise our heels)

The Kingdom of God will always be a minority. We will always be fighting a war, until the day Jesus returns. It is a warfare that encompass the physical and spiritual world. And the devil will provoke us, upset us, create fear in us, destroy us inside out, etc. (Ah... This is what the paster was preaching. Eh... He's my favourite pastor.) All's fair in love and war, I guess. =/

And of course we idiots, being humans and all, start questioning God. And eventually, we go in circles and get lost within ourselves instead of letting God be our answer.

------------------------------------------

That being said, not all people who call themselves Christians are one, much less behave like one. And there are some that are genuinely sincere in their actions and persistence, though they do take a while to get used to (at least for me).

And there are some that... Are so enthusiastic about Christianity, but that cynical side of me doesn't quite believe their enthusiasm is real. And there are some... That just irks me by being alive.

But the is one thing that all Christians, if they call themselves that, must have. And that is a love relationship with God. That must be the primary focus of being a Christian. Not doing missions, singing songs, helping the church, being hospitable to others, serving the less fortunate, etc. God comes first. Everything else is secondary.

Ah well... Enough about complaining about the people in my religion... God sees things differently from me, so He probably knows their intentions better than mine. So... Whatever pleases Him I guess.

For me, it took me 6 years to publicly declare myself in a relationship with God. And I've never been the super high, enthu, rah-rah kind for God. So people might consider me lukewarm (which is one of the worst sin a Christian can have). Because I always seem neither here nor there... But... The Lord knows me and he knows my heart. And that is enough for me. =)

Back to the present?

I was bored (a.k.a. I don't wanna study), so I found this link: VisualDNA

The test will give results on various aspects of your life, so it's kinda the results are kinda long. Anyway, here are my results. From the test... I'm a Harmoniser. XD

Spirit:
You're a Harmonizer. You're warm and kind, a naturally caring person with a lot of love to give. You get lots of pleasure from being a good friend. Reliable and trustworthy, you seek harmony and balance in your life. You forge strong, long-lasting friendships, and your friends value your honesty and frank opinions.

You tend to value routine and security. Life may feel a bit boring at the moment. It would be good to find the confidence to make a shift and alter your life routine. Your sensitive nature means you value having deep connections with a few good friends. It's vital that you make the time to connect with the people who understand you. Have you ever written a list of your positive features or asked your friends to do the same? It's a great exercise, and it might just surprise you.

As a Harmonizer, it's important to learn to trust your intuition and to know that everything will work out for the best. Learn to say yes to new experiences from time to time. Your confidence and self-belief will continue to grow. Sometimes a challenge or a change of scene could be just what you need. Knowing that you have a few special friends you can rely on to give you their support and advice is a huge source of strength. You are someone who builds long-lasting friendships over many years, and your generosity to your best buddies means they are always happy to help you out too.

Relationship:
It's important for you to feel confident enough to be able to relax and enjoy your relationship, knowing that your love is here to stay.

As a Warm Heart, you're very down-to-earth when it comes to love. It is often the simplest pleasures that bring the greatest joy. For you, a new romance often evolves from a close friendship. You want a love that feels safe and secure and believe in building strong foundations based on trust and understanding. You are a deeply loyal person, and you expect the same from your partner.

A true relationship is about committing to share your life and leaning on each other in good times and bad. Quiet one-on-one time is important too. You like to dive in together and get lost in those magical feelings.

Tips:
So you're a Warm Heart but what tips can we give for when you're looking for love?

1. Go slow. Don't feel obliged to rush things. It's most important that you feel comfortable and relaxed.
2. Be bold. Don't feel that there's some perfect ideal that you need to live up to. You are an amazing individual. Celebrate that yourself and you'll quickly find that you're not the only one who thinks so.
3. Getting out there and looking for love can be a bit daunting, but it's really exciting too. And you're not the only one who's a little apprehensive. It's perfectly natural. Just relax and enjoy the journey.
4. Follow your instincts. If something feels good, go with it. Love has its ups and downs but you have to be in it to win it.

Money: (Personally, I disagree with the first part of this part. XD)
The way to your heart is through your stomach! While you're happy to get creative in the kitchen, you'd love to be able to eat in amazing restaurants whenever the mood strikes.

You have a very healthy approach to life. You know that true happiness doesn't come from material things or possessions. It goes much deeper than that and is all about valuing those things you can't put a price on.

You like to care for those around you, and if they're happy, you're happy. You appreciate that both highs and lows make up the balance of life and you always try and stay spiritually strong and focused.

Health:
Unappealing as it may seem, it would be good to try to be a bit more active every day. You might be surprised at how much you'd actually enjoy regular exercise. It may sound hard to believe, but endorphins are better than chocolate if you just give them a chance!

You may even find that you're in a better mood more often. Start off with something that isn't too intimidating, like climbing the stairs instead of taking the elevator. You might even consider signing up for a few personal training sessions in the gym so that you have a program that's tailored just for you.

You may need to think about making a few changes what you eat too. Maybe you could try making homemade versions of your favorite restaurant meals to reduce the sodium and fat content and eat healthier without compromising too much on taste.

Home:
You love the idea of living somewhere tranquil, perhaps by the sea. Taking life at a slower pace, being out in the fresh air and waking up to amazing views every single day would suit your romantic nature. It's the simple pleasures in life that can be the most meaningful for you and that help focus you.

Entertainment:
You're an outdoorsy person, (I am?) happiest when you can get out into the fresh air and explore what the countryside has to offer. You can't beat a few quiet hours in the peace of nature to be alone with your thoughts. Perfect for feeling refreshed and rejuvenated!

Style:
You're so laid-back, you're almost horizontal! (HAHAHAHA!) You like to take life as it comes and enjoy all it has to offer. Your practical style reflects your down-to-earth, relaxed attitude.

Why stress out over finding heels to match your dress when you could be out having fun in the sun and living life to the fullest? In fact, sun-kissed skin and surf-tousled hair are the perfect accessories for your look. Just make sure you don't forget the SPF!

Travel:
You're open-minded and a positive thinker, so when you get the chance to go travelling, you love to head somewhere exotic and off the beaten track.

For you, escapism is the ultimate in relaxation. It's the perfect antidote to the stress of everyday life. You love the feel of the sun and sea on your skin, so your perfect vacation would definitely include a beach. Even better if it's secluded and undiscovered by hordes of tourists!

--------------------------------------------------------

So what do you guys think? XD

Back to the present?

To God,

One day, my praise will be like the best-tasting wine you have ever tasted. That's the kind of praise I want to offer to you. Although now, I'm still not good enough. I still get so easily swayed by my emotions, my state of mind, by other people, etc.

And let's be honest Lord, I suck as an evangelist. I still have no idea how to show how good You are in my life without being an annoyance to people. Or maybe I really just don't care. Either way, I suck as an evangelist.

So Lord, I pray You'll be patient with me. I still have so much I have to grow into. And I'm still so far from everything You want me to be. But I'll reach there one day. And I'll do my best to make You proud.

And though the future is kind uncertain now, with me going China and all, and personally, I actually have no idea what I'm going to do as a future career... I mean, I have ideas... But You tend to shoot all my ideas down the drain. Like that time in A Levels, when I told You I never want to take anything Chinese again, and guess where You place me.

I guess... This is something I have no idea how to tell people like Kyoya and Shell. How do I tell them I'm literally living based on faith. That I have no idea about my future, and that I'm putting my entire future in Your hands, and that I trust You will take care of things for me.

It's quite incomprehensible to the human mind. It's also sort of scary too.

But I know Lord, that I'm meant to be here in this crazy course with the subject I hate the most. I see You in here. Most people would say it's just coincidence that I get all that I pray for, but... How many coincidences would it take for it to become a miracle?

For me, there's way too much coincidences for me to consider anything else but You. And I guess, it's really because of You that I have a reason to smile and laugh everyday.

I thank You for the friends that You have given me. I know where I once was, and when I see where I am now, I really thank You. Although I had no idea how to be a friend or make one, yet You gave me Yuki, who is so like-minded as me that it's almost freaky. And You gave me Shell who supported me in the background when I was in JC.

And now in Uni, I have Kyoya. And Sexy. And suddenly, I seem to be making so many friends that I'm kinda amazed. And I would like to thank you, for putting all these people in my life. And allowing my path to cross with theirs.

And now, I just want to wish you Happy Valentine's Day! Although it's probably another day in time for You, and for me, it's just another day to have fun and mess around with people. But still. I still want to say that to You. However silly it may be.

Your Beloved

Back to the present?

There is something... I dunno... Odd about knowing there's HO today and not being there to watch it... It was something I did for 2 years. To support my old Hall. (Yes, I'm actually that attached to it.)

But now... Most of the people that mattered more to me when I was in Hall are no longer there... Sure, there are a few, but... It's just different I guess.

There's still a part of me that really wants to watch though...

So... I suppose the most apt words to describe what I'm feeling now are.. "My heart aches, but I need to move on."

I'm such a freaking sentimental person. Zzz. Memories are my treasure... And my memories of hall life always brings a smile to my face. All the chaos and silliness and idiocy and WTF moments are.

Although I can't remember all of it, I definitely remember my feelings from that time. (Yes, my memory is just that sad...)

Sigh... A part of me really miss cheerleading a lot. But... It's not easy letting go. I've been trying, but it keeps coming back to haunt me every now and then. And yes, a part of me still regrets not paying that stupid hall fee...

But I suppose everything has its ups and downs. (I'm trying to be optimistic here.) Sigh...

Personally, I don't think I'm as optimistic as Kyoya makes me out to be... It's just that... HE'S TOO PESSIMISTIC. I have to counterbalance somehow... Hence, my life became a view of rainbows and sunshine. Yay. -_-

Ugh... Ok. Enough emo-ing about HO, or my inability to watch them... I need to focus on my studies... (Or so I keep telling myself...) Ugh. I have no idea how does Kyoya manages everything that he has like that.

... Actually, I do. I just procrastinate too much. =/

Back to the present?

Ooo! The 3D crystal puzzles came up with even more epic designs!

Now they have a Pearl Shell, Skull, Glass Shoe, etc. Whoo!! I want to buy and build them all!!! (Sounds like Pokemon. =P) Haha! It was such a thrill to check out all the new pieces. XD I bought the grapes design. It's the latest. XD

And I bought a Sun design too. Haha! Just because I could. ~_^

And I also got a teddy bear design. It's for Shell's birthday. XD I couldn't decide what to get for her. So I thought the teddy bear would be a nice idea... ^^" And I thought of getting her a small cake... Or cake-ish dessert. XD

Ok. I just fixing my teddy bear puzzle, so I'm a little high from the accomplishment. ^^ So yeah... I have to gush about this somewhere... OMG. The puzzles are soooo cool!!! Hehe!

And I'm supposed to be studying Patho now... Considering how lag I am behind all my studies, but... PUZZLES!!! =^^=

If I get a hall, I'm totally bringing my grapes puzzle to hall to build. =^^= And maybe my Sun too. And any other design I can get from Popular. XD I found out Popular now sells such puzzles. I was super excited when I found out! XDDD It means they're easier to buy. =DDD

Ok.... Back to studying...

Back to the present?

Yay! Mid-terms are over!!! =DDD Personally, I believe that I have improved these past few years, despite whatever my results may say.

For one, I am now able to write more than a couple of lines for the short answers and long essay questions! Whoo! Although my answers may not be all that correct... But still. Small victories! Yay!

And now... Just to get things off my chest...

About Sexy. Yes. He's been a constant bother on my mind for the past few days. Cause I'm still trying to kinda emotionally define him, like what I did with Kyoya. Except that for Kyoya, I had at least a year to stabilise our relationship and my emotions before I had to figure this out. For Sexy... It's like a crash course. I have to define him SOON, otherwise my wonderful mind will automatically just send him on that one way track down to the category of "I like you that way". Zzz. Sometimes, it's a pain to think like a guy, and being so one-track minded and all.

Anyway, as of the moment (if it wasn't obvious enough), I'm kinda emotionally attached to Sexy... But there's a problem.

You see, Sexy is the kind of person that bonds very quickly... And withdraws very quickly too... It feels like someone giving me some super high drug, and just as I'm getting addicted, he takes it away... Zzz. Talk about leaving me emotionally high and dry. Zzz. (And I'm reminded of Katy Perry's "Hot and Cold"...)

As for me... I take a while to bond... Hence, I'll be... a little on the clingy side at first, but once everything settles down, I'll want some personal space too. ^^" But oh well... Since Sexy has withdrawn for now, I will make use of the time to sort through my feelings for him.

As of the moment, if I step away from all the emotional jargon and attachment and shit, Sexy currently gives me the vibe of a younger brother. (Doesn't help that I have a brother complex. Yay.) But... Other than that... I can't figure out what he is to me. He pulls away way too quickly... Then again... He's the sort to enjoy missing people... -_- I don't. Anyway, my interactions with him is way too little to properly figure much out. Zzz. So I just have to deal with all the emotional bits myself. Zzz!

Oh. And some other interesting things I found out yesterday. XD Apparently, I was talking to this guy over MSN (he's my brother's friend actually. Why he added me I have no idea.) and he told me I look pretty with long hair, but cute with short hair.

Ah... I was actually quite amused by him. For one, I only first met him when I was in RiverLife Church. I've had short hair since then until now... He has never seen me with long hair. So I asked him how he know how I look with long hair.

Apparently, he's been stalking me on FB. =O Hahaha! He's adorably funny. XD Then again, he is younger than me. =P That was my amusement for last night. XD Oh, and he prefers it if I keep my hair short, though he as no objections to me keeping it long either. =X

Anyway, today shall me my retail therapy day. I have to shop for birthdays and Valentine's Day, and run errands while I'm at it. XD And I'm already WAY behind in terms of my studying... Sigh... I need a Time Turner.

Back to the present?

Ok. Pardon me while I freak out over meeting an unknown professor today for FYP. To be honest, I didn't know I would get the opportunity to meet so quickly. Apparently, Kitty emailed the prof a while before, so he had an idea of a project for her.

And since I was... A surprise package, they didn't really have anything planned for me. But I told him my interest and stuff, and I didn't mind doing follow-up when I return from China, so I hope he can squeeze in some project for me... XD

And no, they're not taking any more students. So lucky me! =^^=

Hopefully, I can do something on GI cancer. XD Cause Kitty mentioned about cancer in her area of interest, and he only had ideas for that, so I suppose of all the cancers I would do, I rather do something on GI (or gastro-intestinal for those who don't know what it means). OMG. I was really nervous.

And they bought us drinks. I feel kinda bad now. ^^" Anyway, long story short. They don't have anything for me at the moment. And most likely, they'll only confirm the projects with us in late Feb or so.

But the prof say that the SBS head wouldn't mind some last minute entries. After all, it's a bitch to play match-making with the students' area of interest and the projects available. So if there are some confirmed projects, they probably won't mind. XD

And I'm really glad the prof helped speak up for us. Because really... 3 months is wayyyyyy too short to do any proper project with thesis and all.

Sigh... A part of me is really excited. Like, OMG. It's really happening! I'm gonna do a project on something patho-related. I'll be working in SGH. I'll be doing research!!! OMGGGG!!! Yeah. It's making me high.

Yet there's this potential of being rejected, no projects available because they couldn't come up with something to do in such a short time, me being a disappointment, doing something I don't want to do, etc. So yeah. It's kinda nerve-wreaking too. Zzz!

I really don't want to disappoint. I want to really learn all there is to learn in the lab. Doing all sorts of things and learn all sorts of stuff. And working in a lab full-time and all. XD So... Haha! I'm now a whole bundle of feelings. ^^"

Doesn't help that my mid-term is on FRIDAY!!! HOLY MOTHER OF SHITAKE MUSHROOMS!!! And I haven't really gone past Chapter 2. (Which reminds me... I need to be studying. Why am I here?!)

AHHHH!!! So ya. Now I'm all jittery and a bundle of mess. XD In a good and bad way I guess.

And I need to go V Day shopping... I have a list of things to buy for different people. And things to make for certain people. And Shell's birthday is coming up!!! AND I HAVE YET TO GET HER SOMETHING!!!

I NEED TO GO SHOPPING. BUT I HAVE NO TIME!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Ok. Breathe. I'm alright.

I'm alright.

Back to the present?