Ugh. Mid Term. Ugh. And I haven't quite finish studying for it yet... And it's this week... And I don't think I have enough time!!! ARGH!!!

There's a lot of things on my mind, so I'm gonna try to sort them out, together with all the random emotions involved.

First off, there's a part of me that is actually very reluctant to go to China... I mean, I will be leaving so many people behind... People like Sexy and Yuki, especially Yuki... Even though there's that CNY one month break, but... Yuki is never free during that period... So it means... I literally won't see her for 2 whole years! OMFG!!! Zzz!!!

So yeah... I suppose it's just me, but when I have to make certain decisions or do certain things in the future, I would try to envision the entire scenario playing out, as well as my reaction towards it. So far... My reaction towards leaving Yuki is... something I couldn't imagine without tears.

Sexy... Is still ok. After all, he'll be joining us in China after a year. So I'm not too bothered about him. It's Yuki that I'm more upset over... Sigh...

Letting go sure isn't easy...

Doesn't help that after 2 years there, when I return, things would have changed a lot. For one, all the people that I know in my church cell are all going their separate ways... Meaning I have to start socialising all over again... And a part of me is not looking forward to that.

And I have to figure out what I want to do when I graduate... Do I want to continue studying post-grad, preferably in Patho? Or what am I going to do? The only thing I know of my future is that I don't want to work in a clinic...

Then again, about 3 years ago, I was adamant that I do not want to learn chinese anymore and guess where I ended up... So... What I'll do in the future is... Still really uncertain... Since I tend to go where the wind blows... Zzz.

Next on my mind is FYP. Yes, I want to do a project in patho... No I don't have the professor's email. I fail to copy it down. I am scared to email the prof actually... It's this... fear of talking or mailing people I don't really know and I usually procrastinate such stuff because I really don't want to do it, but in the end, I know I have to... So... UGHHH...

Ochibi would understand... Since she pretty much suffers similar fears as me. And I'm really nervous because I have no idea what to ask the professor and how to ask the professor actually... Zzz! I should have asked him 2 weeks ago, when he was still in class!!! Zzz.

Too late for regrets. Move on.

Sigh. So back to the emails then... Zzz! Personally, I rather talk to the prof face-to-face... But... UGHHHHHH. Ok. I shall deal with my fear one step at a time. Sigh. *breathe in* *breathe out*

And lastly, it's just a hunch... So I'm not too sure how accurate is it... Or if it's even true or not... But... I think I absorb people's emotions way too easily through touch... Zzz. The best part is... I have no idea if it's just me, or if it's the other person... Or if it's just coincidental. Emotions are still something I'm trying to get the hang of... Especially extreme ones.

UGH. What a bunch of crap that keeps running through my mind... Most are senseless worries. (Meaning I'm just worrying for the sake of worrying. And it would eventually resolve itself, but still.)

UGH.

Back to the present?

Yay. Feeling all better now that I finally talked to Ochibi.

XD I think I've been absorbing a bit too much from people lately... That needing a hug thing was most likely from Sexy... I think. The moodiness... Is both from Kyoya and myself. And from a whole bunch of things which I really don't want to deal with at the moment.

Anyway, I was so happy I finally managed to meet (sort of) Ochibi online! Whoo!!! Being in different time zones sucks big time! And long story short, I kinda spammed on the Caps while talking to her. =P Oops.

And yes, I was on PMS mode this week. My apologies for those who had to put up with me. Hopefully, I'll be better next week.

Oh well... At least one good thing... Well... Sort of good thing comes out of this... When I'm moody, I rather study than deal with all these emotional shit. So... =/

Sort of good, I guess?

Back to the present?

Sigh... I have no idea is Kyoya's mood rubbing off onto me, or it's me that's rubbing off onto Kyoya, or is my moodiness from an entirely different source, and Kyoya's just being Kyoya... All I know is that my state of mind is down in the dumps.

And it's amplified whenever I'm at home, especially when I'm alone. Zzz! In school... Well... I've been doing lots of things to distract myself (and getting a headache from over-stimulation), but the moodiness is always there in the background, I guess... Being around people lessens the effect but still...

ARGH. This is one pain in the head!

Personally, I just want to sleep everything away. But then my STUPID BRAIN reminds me that I have a freaking test coming up and that thought is bugging me to study even nothing is going in. And. ARGH. (I sometimes feel I'm such an eloquent person. =/)

Maybe I'm over-thinking things and am just sleep deprived. Or maybe I'm just missing people too much... (HEAR THAT OCHIBI!!!) Zzz.

Why are all the people in my life currently so emo-ish too though?! Zzz! Kyoya is emo cause... Well... It's Kyoya. And it's CNY. Sexy is emo cause of relationship issues... Namely, playing psychiatrist to those people with said issues. Then there's Cross. Who is emo because Yuki is still busy with CNY.

Normally, I would say it's cute that he misses her so, but as of the moment, it's not helping my current state of mind... And these days I just look at my calendar and sigh... So many things to do, so little time!!! And whenever I look at my patho book, I sigh some more... (Ok... I think I need some 逍遥散 right about now...)

Actually, all I wanna do right now is go to a really REALLY scenic place and emo to myself while enjoying the nature. ... Sounds weird but it's actually a rather good combi.

Zzz. My brain hurts... Either I'm lacking blood, water, sugar or all 3... Zzz...

Sigh... I miss Yuki...

Back to the present?

Yay. I had my dose of Sexy today! And a free shot of oxytocin. ~_^

Haha! Today was kinda emo-ish. I was a little bi-polar... Well... Sort of, a little... When I was with Kyoya, I was high as a kite. I blame the hormones. Then later, when I met Sexy, I was more emo-ish.

Though I think Sexy was kinda emo-ish too today. Anyway, we simply met for dinner and stayed till late to chat and stuff. Haha! I don't mind talking to him, though it's his presence that I miss the most. Just... being around him.

Like, don't you ever get that feeling that you just want to be around that person. And sometimes, I don't need to talk. But I don't want to be alone either, kind of feeling...

And talking about such feelings, I'm missing Ochibi like crazy... I can still remember me crashing over at her place whenever I get these kind of feelings and just sit or lie in her room and chill while she does her work, write her story or do whatever she's doing...

And we'd be perfectly fine with us not needing to do anything, though Kyoya says it's a typical guy thing to want to do something. XD Apparently, it's a bit hard for a guy to just sit and chill and do nothing in general...

Anyway, I walked him back to his hall, and he walked me to the bus-stop. And since I was in Hall 16, I thought I might as well just drop by Hall 14 to see the cheerleading people. XD It was a bittersweet, nostalgic feeling. I was feeling a whole bunch of mixed feelings which I can't quite decipher, but I more or less knew what I was feeling... (Ok... That doesn't make sense...)

Anyway, today was a rather great day, I suppose. Though I found out that hugs are seriously like ecstasy pills to me... =X And it takes quite a bit to form that emotional wall to prevent myself from over-thinking things. ... Ok. It takes a bit to build the emotional wall but still enjoy the thrill of oxytocin. =/

What? It's a very happy drug! Almost as nice as adrenaline. =P Hahaha! Anyway, Tamaki was asking if Sexy is my boyfriend. XDDD I was really tempted to say yes, just to see his reaction. XD

Though Sexy won't play along. =( His reputation is bad enough as it is already. I suppose it'll be really REALLY bad if it becomes even worse... Zzz.

And... I have a feeling Kyoya is trying to match-make both of us... I... have my doubts that it will work out... And there are too many uncertain factors for me to even consider Sexy now that I think about it...

But... Whatever. I am just seeing how it will play out. I have a feeling Sexy and I will end up rather emotionally attached to each other... But we won't be together... I dunno. I'm as certain of the future as the next person. =X

So I'll just see how for now. XD

Back to the present?

I am suffering from Ochibi Withdrawal Syndrome.

It's kinda sad actually. Like, when I go visiting at my granduncle's house, the place where I usually see Ochibi and her brother during CNY... AND SHE'S NOT THERE!!!

UGHHH...

It just feels different I guess.

Anyway, CNY is as per usual. This year, I see more new-ish faces. No, not more babies were born, but more people are coming back from overseas. Like, apparently, I have this uncle on my grandma's side that appeared after being overseas for 10 years. And he came back with a wife and children.

So yay. More angbaos. =P

I didn't really like the wife though... She gives a very... anti-social, strict kind of vibe. Then again, you have to understand, at these gatherings, everyone is usually loud, insane or both. Especially in my families, on both sides.

Oh and there was this really crazy moment at my grandma's family's place. Cause the night before, I stayed over at my grandma's place and tried to learn how to cook her CNY chicken porridge.

And my grandma was so excited, or so she says, that she forgot how to bao her angbaos, where she kept her angbaos, she even forgot when CNY is... -_-

So yeah, the scene at my grandma's family's place is quite chaotic since my grandma forgot who she gave angbao to and if she left anyone out... So her sister decided to help her out a bit by shouting the name of the recipient of the angbao in my grandma's hands. (she writes down their names to help her keep track.) XD

It felt like some crazy market, with the sister shouting "3rd sister!!! 3rd sister!!! Come get your angbao! 4th sister! Your angbao! etc." And at the end of the whole mess, the sister asked my grandma, "Oi! Where's my angbao!?!?" XDDD Apparently, she was the one my grandma kinda forgot. Hahahaha!!

And I didn't really talk much at my grandpa's family's side. My brothers ate, ate and ate some more... (And they never gain a pound... =P) And I just sat and listen to whatever story is being told at anyone.

Somehow... I dunno... It feels like noise to me after a while... Don't get me wrong. I had lots of fun. (Bathing virtual crocs on iphones and watching real-life dramas in my family and just enjoying the chaos in general.)

But the missing presence of my cousin is somewhat apparent... Doesn't help that I haven't talk to her for a while... The people I miss more are Ochibi and Sexy... Cross talks to me every once in a while, so it helps me bear with Yuki.

And yes, while I do dislike Cross for my own petty reasons, and he is an asshole and a douchebag. But he's also a really nice guy (when he wants to be) and he treats Yuki very well (sort of). So I can't say much... Zzz.

Anyway... Visitations always sap the energy out of me... Too many people in too small places... Zzz. I'm gonna rest...

Back to the present?

Ugh... Why am I always over-estimating things...

I suppose I realise that reading patho is a bit of a headache. A bit, meaning seeing stars.

It's not that much, I feel... It's just that... To make notes and read... Lengthens the entire process... Zzz.

Of course, by the time I realise I should just screw it all and just read the book... It's a little too late...

Ugh. What a way to start my "holiday". Of course, I have a whole list of things to do during these 4 days. Ideally, it's all possible.

Then Murphy's Law kicks in.

And I'd end up doing... nothing much.

Sigh.

Today, my family and Ochibi's family had a family reunion dinner together. It... felt kinda empty, with all my cousins being overseas. Thank God for my Mom, my brothers and my Uncle. XD They were all joking, and talking a whole bunch of crap and basically being merry.

Me? I was trying to seduce my patho textbook. It obviously failed.

Zzz. Damn tempted to skip church tomorrow... It's gonna be packed and crazy and all. Zzz. AND EARLY. ZZZ!

But I can't... Sigh.

And to Kyoya, I hope you're alright. Ah... I'm always here if you need a hug? XD Free oxytocin! Who doesn't want it? Hahaha! ^^

Back to the present?

I swear I suffer from memory loss sometimes... =/

Anyway...

Ah crap... I forgot what else was I gonna write...

Oh yes. I found out a couple of days ago that I'm not the only one who finds A kinda creepy. It's not obvious at first (it is to Cross, but not to me), but the more I get to know him... The more I wish he would stay xxx metres away from me... XD Apparently, I was talking to a couple of girls from church and they also felt the same way about A. (They're the ones I was emo-ing over because I couldn't find any of them on Sunday.)

They are the few people that make church much more bearable for me. But to me, I dunno... My "friendship" with them is kinda bittersweet. As in I'm glad that they are really nice to talk to, and really friendly... But I also kinda know it's one-sided on my part...

After all, I did join the church a little too late. Everyone had everyone else and they all have their little cliques... And I don't fit in. But at least I can tell, these few girls that I talk to don't really judge... Thank God for small blessings.

Anyway, back to A, apparently he's... Very touchy... And very clingy... And it's kinda creepy... ... Kinda being an understatement.

-------------------------------------------------

Anyway, on Sunday, I was thinking back on something the pastor said. He said that when we die, we would be given a new name, a name that reflects what we are meant to be. Ah... He said a lot of things but that's the only thing that stayed in my head... =X

And part of me wonder, if I were to die tomorrow, what name would I be given? =P

FYI, my name means Grace of God, or Blessed One, or around there, depending on where you find your info.

Anyway, I think I'll sleep early today... Zzz. Been damn tired throughout the week...

Back to the present?

First of all, I apologise for my previous post... I was moody... =( Sorry.

Kyoya and Cross both asked if I was PMS-ing. WTH?! Dudes, I don't think I ever had PMS... If I did, I never knew... >.>

Anyway, my current emotions are now more messy than turbulent. Ugh. I feel bi-polar.

As of the moment, whatever I'm feeling is borderline emotionally clingy (ugh...), and I'm trying to ignore the clingy part of it. I'm not really a clingy person... If I become clingy, by the end of the week, I will be the one feeling suffocated... Then I would want to emo to myself AGAIN. UGH. It's an endless cycle! (It's like my dream... Holy crap!)

So yeah... I'm trying to figure out a balance between both sides for now.

And chinese... Oh God. Chinese... O.o! I swear, the teacher is out to liquefy my brain! Zzz! And I can't care what Kyoya says... Even though he hates my studying method, it's really the only way I know to sort of pull up my grades. =( Yes, I know. Shoving babbles of chinese into my head is only a short term measure. And it's really a study-for-exams method. But I am not getting another D, darnit!

I can't afford another D actually...

Besides, with my current grades, I might as well don't graduate... With a GPA of 2+, who on Earth would hire me? =/ People would always say that GPA doesn't matter in the work place, but the first screening of any form of work is always the FREAKING GPA. So yeah... I have to pull up my stupid grades.

Ah... And I need to remind myself not to be too touchy with Kyoya... He gets irritated way too easily nowadays... Sometimes I myself wonder who's the one with mood swings... =P

Sigh... I want Sexy... Us touchy people must band together! Mwhahaha! (I'm losing my mind... I can feel it...)

Sigh... I want someone to hugggg... Yuki! Where is that girl when you need her? Zzz!

Back to the present?

Lately, I've just been playing Christian songs after Christian songs...

For those who don't know, Christian songs are my comfort songs. So yeah... When I'm usually like this when it's near exams.

Zzz... All I can sense of myself is that I'm sort of emotionally turbulent. But I have no idea why. Could be from last year. Could be something else.

I also know I'm sort of shutting it off. But well... It still registers subconsciously. And because it still registers, I have this intense desire to go off somewhere alone and emo to myself. Zzz.

And nowadays, whenever Kyoya talks to me, I get really mixed feelings. Half of me is happy he's there, the other half is like "LEAVE ME ALONE". Zzz. Usually, the happy side wins out. But I dunno how long can it last...

And part of me sort of misses Sexy. But I doubt he can do much to alleviate the moodiness... At least, that's what I think.

ARGH. I'm just freaking emo about GOD-KNOWS-WHAT and I'm trying to get my emotions in order, but it's kinda hard.

Sigh. The frustrating part is, I do not know why I'm feeling like that. So since I can't find the cause, I can't tackle the problem properly. Zzz. All I can tell is that it's getting quite bad...

Ughhh... I dunno! Stupid emotions. I need a break from the world...

Back to the present?

Haha! I suppose it's supposedly wrong to write this. But it's seriously too hilarious not to write.

Cause I was camping at Kyoya's room in hall while waiting for him to finish bathing so we can go out for dinner. XD I was reading his pathology textbook, which is actually quite interesting.

Anyway, of course, being somewhat of a typical guy, Kyoya comes back topless. XD

And when he was spraying his cologne, he half-turned his back on me, and me, being someone with a back fetish, saw his back and my first thought was "Ooo. I wanna touch!" XDDD

=X I'm sorry Kyoya if I had traumatised you with this. XD

Hahaha! But seriously, he has a really nice back! And his skin is, like, this really nice light gold-ish shade. Haha! For Mr Sexy 1, it was more of "Ooo! Hot!" kind of feel, and I just want to keep looking. XD

But Kyoya gives a different feel... More of a "Must touch!!" kind of feel... =X Oh well... At least now we have a theory on why Tamaki loves to touch Kyoya so much. Hahaha!

Oh. And, sorry Kyoya! For peeking! XD

Haha! I doubt Kyoya noticed my "staring". Ah... I was stare, pause, then proceed to continue reading the textbook. Image photographed mentally. XD

What? I am female! I have hormones too! Sides, for all his insecurities about him not being all that attractive, he's actually not as bad as he thinks he is. Hahaha!

Oh well. Ah... I better leave... My brothers are looking at me with that half-amusing, half-WTF look...

Back to the present?

Just had choir.

Here are some... mangled words that we tend to pronounce wrongly, and some of our choir conductor's comments about them: (Not 100% accurate)

He's ali(v)e [Jesus is not a lie! Please pronounce your 'v's!]

God of ages, bringing g(l)ory here [Gory?!!! Your 'l's! I want to hear them!]

Not(h)ing in this world will do [Guys! It's noTHing, not noTING!!]

And... I can't remember the rest...

Oh! And other really funny things our choir conductor says:

When singing Hillsong songs --> [You are not Singaporeans! You are now white people! Sing like white people! NO singlish!!]

When singing Gospel songs --> [Ok! Change colour! Now you are BLACK people!]

And Teddy's crazy, ridiculous facial expressions to get his points across are some of the highlights of choir training. And the Altos section have really beautiful, talented and interesting ladies. Haha! There's only... about 5 - 7 of them, but personally, I think they're the most amazing section of the entire choir.

Sigh... And now Teddy will be leaving for Perth. Haha! To study Psychology. Haha! I think it's a great thing... But I think the choir will miss him. His voice is really one of the more powerful ones in choir.

Personally, I don't know him well enough to miss him.

But yeah... For the sake of empathy...

...

Who the hell am I kidding. Most likely, no I will not miss him. I probably wouldn't really care. Life goes on. And in the same way I won't miss him, I doubt I'd be that badly missed when I go China too. Family members don't count, of course. Oh. And Sexy and Yuki don't count either.

Back to the present?

When I lose My way,
And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see,
Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the lonliest places,
When I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
To you.

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't recieve your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I'm your beloved,
Can you help me believe it.

Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you, Woh.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
To you.

I'm the one you love,
I'm the one you love,
That will be enough,
I'm the one you love.

Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you, Woh.
To you

------------------------------------------------------

I think this is a really beautiful song... As a Christian, I'd be lying if I stay I'm always walking the path God wants me to. And personally, I think I always take way too many detours and sight-seeing routes. XD

And somehow, to be reminded why you first became a Christian, to be reminded about who you really are and where you really belong, it's a refreshing thing.

Especially sometimes I get side-tracked and lose sight of the things important to me.

And like this other song "Like Falling in Love", being a Christian is really just like a love relationship. First you experience a certain tenderness like nothing else. And there's this warmth that just makes you smile and tears of love and joy just rolls down your cheeks.

And at that moment, you feel like you're in the safest, warmest place on earth and the whole world can just explode around you and you'd die happily. It's that kind of feeling, that kind of love, that I first fell in love with when I became a Christian.

But I'm always curious. I always want to try out things. Especially when I'm told not to, I want to know why. I want to experience why I'm not allowed to do certain things. So yeah... So I tend to veer off path more often than not.

And I can't stand most Christians being so... comfy where they are. It's like, dude! Go out and try something crazy! So what if everyone disapproves! Zzz. Everyone is so happy playing by the rules... Sometimes, I really just don't get it.

I played by the rules before. It was boring and monotonous as heck. Doesn't mean I compromise my own morals. But live a little!

By the way, as of the moment, I'm suffering from Sexy Withdrawal Syndrome. Sigh. Why always like that...

When I connect to someone else, be it Yuki or Kyoya or Sexy, I always miss the connection when they leave. XD

I remember calling Yuki at odd hours during JC because I missed her that much. Kyoya... Hasn't been separated from me for that long yet. I didn't see Yuki for almost 2 years! I went nuts.

And I think I will miss Sexy like crazy too when I go over to China... Oh ya! Remember my worry that 8 months isn't enough time to know a person well? I think I can manage with Sexy. First of all, he ain't that hard to read. =P Secondly, his... Affectionate nature catalyses things actually.

Now to make sure my emotions are not running ahead of me. That... would be disastrous. Where did I put the brakes again?

Back to the present?

We were made to be courageous.

This is the theme song of the movie "Courageous". Yes. It's a Christian movie. But it's one heck of an epic movie on fatherhood.

When my Mom bought the soundtrack of the movie, and when I first heard this song, I knew.

Do you know that feeling you get, when you first hear something or saw something, and you instantly know. You just know. It was meant for you.

That's what I felt when I heard this song.

Sigh. I'm meeting Sexy for dinner tomorrow to clear things up. XD And of course, the predicted conversation sounds so much better in my mind. But I doubt it'll really be that way in RL. I mean... I know what to say. But I'm still nervous. XD

OMG. My feelings before I meet certain people are quite interesting. XD Before I meet Yuki, I'd be all smiley and happy.

Before I meet Kyoya, I'd be quite high and playful. XD

Before I meet Sexy, I'd be nervous. Ah... I'm sure it'll stabilise after a while, but for now, I'm nervous/emo/excited. So yeah... =P

BLARGH. I'm digressing.

Anyway. Courageous. Haha! It was what I decided that I'll be at the start of the year. The journey ain't gonna be easy. There's still so many things I want to try, but I'm afraid of. Still... I want to walk on forward. XD

And it's kinda interesting that both Ochibi and I are choosing this year to walk away from ourselves and just go out and do something. Then again, she's still adjusting to London and I'm gonna have to adjust to China.

And OMG. FYP. I hope I can do something I really like. Something I can use to break into the research area in Singapore with my absolutely pathetic grades. XD

And it seems Cross is giving me fashion tips on what I should wear... Apparently, jeans are not one of them. =/ Haha! Oh well. I need to go window shopping with... Either Kyoya or Cross and Yuki one day.

Back to the present?

=P It seems I've misinterpreted things again. SIGH.

Ok. Basically, Kyoya went to ask Sexy about me. Ah, apparently, according to Sexy, it was because I complained my hands were cold.

The more or less full story. During one of the exhibitions, I was flaring my hands around quite a bit, and I accidentally hit Sexy. So he grabbed my hand. And I commented that his hands were really warm. And me, being a sucker for heat...

Anyway, that led to him holding my hand most of the way. =P

So I suppose it was misinterpretation on my part? =/ Though Ochibi said I should just slap/punch him when I see him again. XD

Haha! It seems my Mom was right about her hunch. Ah... So I suppose I'll be a little emo-ish for a while. XD But I'll be alright. (God knows, Kyoya has enough of emo-ish people to deal with.) XD

And I suppose I owe everyone an apology for my mistake. =/ (Although Ochibi insist that Sexy should be the one apologising.) Haha!

And Ochibi is flying off tomorrow! O.O! So fast!!! I barely saw enough of her... =(((

Ooo. And I managed to skype Princess yesterday too. XD Blur me forgot to ask for her skype name before she flew off. So I had to ask her over FB. =P Oops.

Haha! Anyway, she's doing really well is Thailand so far. XD And her room/apartment is really cool! Haha! Now I wish I have the time to drop over for a visit.

Oh. And Kyoya and I watched this really hilarious play called iChestnut 15. The spoofs are really quite lame, but they're still really funny! XD I had a great time laughing my guts out with Kyoya! XD

Oh! And I met my Lit teacher (whom I dare not greet... I forgot her name...) And OCHIBI (WHO DIDN'T TELL ME SHE WAS GOING.) and some of my Mom's other friends. Whoo! Talk about really small world! Haha!

Oh. And I think I should make one more new year resolution for myself: Go shopping with Kyoya and learn what styles suit me.

Anyway, for those reading this, don't worry about me. =) I'll bounce back in no time! And I have chinese to torture me... I mean, take my mind off things.

With all that said... KYOYA. ACCEPT ME ON SKYPE!!! And that's all folks!

Back to the present?

"Happy new year baby <3"

I think, of all the new year messages I've read, that one set me into laughter just by thinking about it. XD

By the way, it's not send to me. ~_^

Haha!

Today was a rather thought-provoking day.

First I spent nearly the entire day with Mel, which was a really good thing. It took my mind off stuff when I'd be emo-ing about. Waste of mental energy and time. So yeah. I was really glad we met.

And something that Mel said that struck me as kinda true. She said that we are mirrors of each other. And I quite agree with that. Since the holidays are ending now, and my brain is sort of panicking in its own way...

I remembered thinking and reflecting on how I react with different people. Initially the idea of me being a mirror came to my mind, but I brushed away that thought. Because the idea of a mirror, to me, represents a reflection.

But while people influence me, I definitely don't become like their twin or something. But when Mel mentioned it, my mind instantly flashed back to that moment of when I was thinking of the idea of a mirror.

In the end, I think, a mirror don't quite cut it... I mean, yes, due to certain influences, we reflect certain things, but to say that we are like mirrors is a little too much reflection... In my opinion.

I'd say... Certain traits are reflected, certain traits are complemented. Some people reflect more than complement. Some complement more than reflect. And I think I'm somewhere in the middle. =/

And I also talked to Kyoya about Sexy too. Personally, I have my doubts the relationship will really work out. It's not impossible. But... I dunno... I guess I'm kinda insecure about such things too. And when I can't control the situation well, I tend to think too much. Zzz... Which lead to more insecurities.

On my side, I take a while to form a close, stable bond with a person. It took at least one year to even decide to befriend Kyoya. And it took me another year or so to be this comfortable around him.

But for Sexy, if he asks me out this month, I'd have... 8 months to figure everything out. If he asks me out later, I'd have less time. If he's bidding his time... I'll kill him. -_-

But I guess the main thing I am kinda scared about is, I do not know Sexy as well as I liked to... As in... Certain things about him are obvious enough... But to really know a person is to learn about the not so obvious parts as well, I believe.

Anyway, since I will be going off to China in August, I have no idea how to make it work... And I don't really believe in long distance relationship... Unless the relationship is damn stable. 8 months is barely enough to build a framework.

And then, after I go China, what happens next?

And also, Sexy and I... Are more alike than complements actually. And just like the way Kyoya would ground me emotionally, I am going to have to ground Sexy emotionally too. Since he's way more flighty than me... Which is a bad thing... Zzz.

Although I have a feeling that through Sexy, I will learn a lot more about the traits of myself that I need to know. With Kyoya, I can find out about the parts I want to know. Because he makes things that easy for me. =P But with Sexy... The road's not only gonna be tougher, but an uphill one too.

All I know is, I can't see a relationship with Sexy going anywhere, but I'm willing to try. It's just... Poor Kyoya will get stuck in the middle... Cause I've a feeling when Sexy is troubled, he'll find Kyoya first. =/ Poor guy.

For me, I'll try to resolve things on my own first. If not, I can ask my mom for help... God knows, Kyoya has more than enough burdens to handle already. XD And I'd feel bad about burdening him with my issues.

Sigh. The obstacles I have to face... May God help me.

Back to the present?

Had dinner with my grandma.

I swear, she is the cutest person I know. XD She was telling me all about her courtship days. The reason why she fell in love with my grandpa is because he is so honest and so blur, she thought he was absolutely adorable. Haha!

And my grandma knew what she wanted as a husband. She was telling me that if my grandpa ever had a mistress, she would have left him straight away. XD Ah... Thank God my grandpa is too loyal to even think abut having a mistress.

Haha! And my grandma would stalk my grandpa just to make sure he was telling the truth about no third party!! XD It was so funny! And she told me all about how my dear awkward grandpa would just wander off to find food on his own during lunch hours. And he was so blur, he didn't even know that my grandma was stalking him from behind. Hahaha!

And when she and my grandpa were dating, she would visit his house out of the blue to make sure he wasn't having any... "visitors" over. Haha! The amusing part was that she was so shy when she first visited his house, she dared not talk at all during her first visit. Haha! It didn't help that my great grandma was really fierce.

My grandma told me that my great grandma's word is law. Not one of the 13 over children in the house disobeyed her at all! Wow!

But my great grandma liked my grandma a lot, so she kept inviting my grandma over. And I was telling my grandma, she must be inviting you over because my grandpa would probably be too shy to even ask. XD

And I suppose it is this headstrong character and goal-driven nature of my grandma is what my uncles and my dad inherited.

Haha! I had a great time at my grandparent's place. With my grandma's playful, easily excitable nature and my grandpa's blur-ness, it is always very amusing to talk to them.

Oh! And we had steamboat for dinner, made by my uncle. XD But he bought SOO much food, we couldn't finish everything. So they gave most of the stuff to us. -_-

Trust my grandma to do something like that. SIGH.

Back to the present?

Yay! Happy New Year all!

I spent the welcoming of the new year in a really crazy party. Not quite my taste though... I mean, family is great and all, but I wish I could have celebrated it with my friends. It would have been more fun for me. =P

Still, the people there were nice. We won some huge all-round sound system. XD Actually, we walked out of the restaurant/bar because it was about 1am and we thought we didn't win anything from the lucky draw so we saw no point in staying.

Then as my dad drove us off, my mom's friend called to exclaim that we won second prize and to come and claim our reward. So yeah.

Personally, I do wonder if I'm bothering him. (No brainer to who HIM is.) Kyoya would probably say he won't mind it, but I really hate the feeling of being a bother to someone.

That's why eventually I will stop asking for help from people... Zzz... And even though I say I'll not be paiseh and keep pestering the Kyoya for help for chinese, most likely, by Feb, I'd stop asking... For that exact reason of not wanting to be a bother to people. Zzz...

And... Well... I don't know Sexy that well to be able to decipher his feelings over smses. That's why even though I know he likes me, I am still in the "let's see how it plays out" mode. Haha! I suppose I'm too cautious when it comes to people. =/

For me, in any kind of relationship, friendship or BGR, I need to know the other party. Or else, it'd probably end up like A... The more I know him, the more I want to run in the other direction.

Or like my cell leader. Someone whom I thought knew and understood me. But in reality, they are only words.

So I guess... Even though I know I like him, but... For the life of me, I can't imagine myself with him... Or without him, for that matter. So... yeah... I have a feeling that being with him is a lot like being with Yuki. The kind where you love that person's company, but at times, you can't decide to love them or kill them.

There's a reason why I almost never SMS Yuki. I swear, I'd probably kill her the next time I see her if I do. And Cross wonders why I always talk to her through him... Even though he's a complete asshole, he's still easier to talk to online/via SMS than Yuki.

Oh well... It's the new year. =P There are lots of possibilities for this year. I just hope things turn out well.

Back to the present?