Drive
Friday, December 30, 2011 1:09 am
Wow. A whole year has just past by so quickly that I can't quite believe that a whole year has passed.
To be honest, Year 2 Sem 2 felt like forever ago. And since I entered Uni, my concept of when year starts and ends are kinda screwed up now...
That's why I have a blog! Yay! Please congratulate me later on the sheer genius of yours truly.
Anyway, let's re-cap the whole FREAKING year and see what I've been up to all this while.
First off, New Year Resolutions. ... Well. It's safe to say all my new year resolution plans just went down the drain.
And for my first 2 months, I kinda realised my posts are borderline bitchy. OMG. Kyoya's influencing me! XD
Haha! And it seems this year is a year of "I can't stand Christians!" year... Seriously. Reading back, I have met too many idiots in the church to be comfortable. Either that or I'm now getting to know them better... Zzz.
Ah yes. This is also the year I started dreaming of all my classmates. ^^" I didn't bother keeping track of them. I have no more space in my brain to do that.
This year... Actually, this year has more ups than downs for me. Reading through my posts, I keep smiling to myself. Full of fond memories indeed.
Like when I wore my first dress to school, and everyone's reaction was like "Woah!", and haha! Let's just reiterate the fact that I loved the attention. =^^=
And I've been to so many places in this one year. There's Vietnam, Japan, Hong Kong, Malaysia... In a sense, I suppose this is one of the best years of my life.
My sweet 21st~
FOP PERFORMANCE~~!!!
Watching all sorts of musicals~
Kyoya's DnD Event!! XD Though Kyoya said it was a flop, to me, it is a night I will remember. =^^=
And of course, all my complaining about chinese in general. XD Which will most likely continue next year as well! Haha!
I also did a lot of random memes, now that I'm reading back about it.
And I realise, through my posts, I have been growing quite a bit. I mean, there are still lots of kinks to work out, but I'm glad. I'm improving as a person. Maybe eventually I'll become that person that I'm meant to be. But for now, baby steps. ^_^
Haha!
Anyway, now, as the new year draws near. I shall start making my resolutions early. While I can still remember them.
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NEW YEAR RESOLUTION1. Courage. To just go out and do things. I don't want to be scared to do things and then regret it. So I pray for courage to just step out and step up.
2. Regarding Sexy, I think I will really just let it play out and see how. This will be my first ever relationship and I really want to see how it turns out. ^^"
By the way, Sexy and I are... Unofficially together. Unofficially, in the sense, he hasn't ask me out yet. But... As Kyoya says, it's only a matter of time. So ya. Yay for me! =^^=
3. MUG ON!!! I really need to hardcore mug for this last sem. I really need to pull up my grades for chinese. Ugh! I tell myself this every year, every time. But I never get there. ARGH.
Anyway, this is my last chance to pull up my freaking grades. Ugh. And I believe it means I'm gonna sacrifice precious time away from Kyoya and Sexy to really just focus on my chinese.
So to Kyoya, when I'm studying at the benches, try not to come over to my table. I would get distracted by your presence and would want to talk. And talking = No work done. =/
So sorry about that. But ya... This time I really need to engrave all those stupid words into my head...
And sorry for pestering you about all the chinese words in advance. I will be bugging you about reading chinese words again.
4. Wisdom. Not just for studies, but for life in general. Like how to handle Sexy eventually, especially when I go to China. And how to juggle Kyoya, Sexy and Studies properly. And to set all my priorities straight. Zzz.
And how to deal with my cell now that the ONLY person making everything in Christianity bearable is leaving for Thailand. On the plus side, I now have her hall. =/
5. And I pray for strength. To get through the year. This year will be a year of transitions and change. And I know I will be experiencing lots of firsts next year.
So I pray for strength to adapt. That I will wait on the Strength of the Lord. Because God knows, I am not strong enough.
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You are the reason I breathe and blink.
I am running for you now in this new world.
This is my love.
Move me to where you are right now.
You come into me and stir my heart.
Bring me a little closer until I can touch you.
~Drive, by DBSK
=DDD
Wednesday, December 28, 2011 10:38 pm
Yay!
Had a wonderful time with Sexy today. XD That idiot suggested going to Botanical Gardens, until he finally figured out that the sky was practically sobbing its eyes out. (I did warn him about the rain though...)
Anyway, we went to the National Museum instead. And I must say, from the last time I went there (which was quite a long time ago), the place has changed quite a bit. For one, they digitalise a lot of things. And of course, the history of Singapore, or more specifically, all the political uprising and stuff were happily skipped over. PAP won, end of story.
What mattered more to me was what the political situation would be now and in the future. So yeah... The past victories didn't matter that much to me.
Then we went to see the Dreams and Reality exhibition, which was quite interesting. I saw so many paintings, pictures, photographs, etc. until I saw stars. XD
Next we had dinner together before Sexy dropped me off at the bus-stop (I didn't know bus 12 goes there! O.o But it's a damn long ride home.) before heading home himself.
But I suppose Cross was right about one thing. Sexy does panick a lot, internally. He doesn't show it, but... I suppose... It takes one to know one. And I definitely know internal panic. Haha! But I know now that Sexy does like me. Whee!
*ahem*
P.S. If you are looking for details... You're looking at the wrong place. =P I still can't think about him without floating off on Cloud Nine. So, yeah. Not posting any details here. =P
Sigh. I better be floating around while I still can. Tomorrow will be a crash course back into reality. Since my grades are... below satisfactory, my professor will be meeting me tomorrow for some consultation. Ugh...
Personally... I think I did damn well this sem. I had an A. And an A-. I never had any As since year 1!! It's just my damn luck that my As were not in any chinese mods. Zzz. I swear, I believe I'm the only person in NTU who can score 7 AUs worth of As, and my GPA still drops! ARGH!
And since I'm not taking any electives next sem... The only thing that can save my chinese now are Patho and Viro. Yay. I might as well start planning what kind of coffin/urn I would like already.
But for now, my mind is just happily replaying today~ =^^=
Many Things
Monday, December 26, 2011 2:06 am
Ok. This whole week has been one heck of an eventful week. =^^=
I watched Wicked with Kyoya on Wednesday and Crazy Christmas with both Kyoya and Sexy on Friday! OMG. I swear, I was damn high on thursday night itself.
Wicked was a really awesome show. Elphada is super epic. XD (No prize for guessing who my favourite character is, btw) Haha! And in a lot of sense, Elphada reminded me a lot of Kyoya. Except, well... Less green.
And I loved the song "Defy Gravity". Haha! And while I really disliked Galinda, I have to admit, the energy and life the actress puts into the character is nothing short of amazing. Oh and all the horribly mangled english! XD
I didn't get the jokes on the language itself, though Kyoya was kinda laughing himself silly over it, though. My language is good. But not THAT good.
Anyway, then on Friday, I went shopping with Cross and Yuki. Haha! I had a really great time with Yuki. =^^= And personally, I think I prefer Kyoya's sense of fashion compared to Cross's. =/ In conclusion, never go shopping with Cross. I dunno... It just feels really weird shopping with Cross. The things he think I look good in are... Ugh. I don't really like them.
And he told me to go shopping more often with Yuki, as Yuki also has an eye for such things... But there's one problem with shopping with Yuki... She would ask me to buy anything that catches my eye...
Now that is a VERY bad thing because... The things that catches my eye are usually 80% misses, 20% hits. The 20% hits are really rare though.
So yeah... My problem with shopping. Zzz. Maybe next time, since I need to buy a pair of black heels, I'll probably ask Kyoya to help. I prefer his taste more than Cross's...
But aside from that... Then we had ice-cream. The Tiramitsu was damn nice~~ Haha! At that time, there were no Whiskey Cream. Luckily too. Cross and Yuki were already giving me odd looks at me when I wanted the Tiramitsu... (yes, the Tiramitsu has alcohol in it too.)
Then Sexy came. And Yuki and Cross left. XD Kyoya was EXTREMELY late, so Sexy and I decided to find some food at the Esplanade first, then call Kyoya over.
I believed we wandered around for about an hour plus, before settling down on one restaurant to eat.
And I've more or less came to the conclusion that when I watched Already Famous with Sexy, he considered it a date. Cross sort of confirmed it. And besides, during that one hour with Sexy, the vibe he gave off was more of hanging out than of dating, unlike the last time. So yeah...
I mean, it's probably obvious to some of you people... But I can't see it. And when dealing with people, to me, it's always probabilities and never certainties. So I always keep watching and thinking... (I think too much...)
Anyway, Crazy Christmas was also a blast! XD It's super funny. Kumar kinda made me die of laughter. John Lee's rendition of the Twelve Days of Christmas Mash-Up is amazing. Zack can never forget the "ji ba bun" (one million dollars), and kept singing that ONE phrase... -_-
And Broadway Beng is damn funny too! XD Although some parts I needed Sexy to translate for me (sorry. My Hokkien is epic FAIL.) but overall, I can pretty much understand that he's full of nonsense. XD And I do understand all the more... common vulgarities. XD So it wasn't too bad. Haha!
Oh! And another part I love is the Rabbit scene. XD The Energizer Bunny just went on and on and on and on and on... Haha! XD And the playboy bunny is Whoo! ~_^ Hahaha!
Though this time, the musical is kinda sad in the sense that one of the crew died, and Emma has cancer, hence she couldn't perform. Yet they did liven up the entire atmosphere with lots of joy and laughter. And at the end of the entire performance, it left a bittersweet feel in its wake.
Haha! And by Saturday, I was still quite high from meeting all my favourite people in one day. I spent most of it asleep though. XD I'm still an introvert, through and through.
And today is Christmas itself! And Ochibi came over! Haha! We mainly just crashed onto my bed and took one hell of a long nap. Then we tried to watch LOTR: Two Towers, but her dad came to pick her up before the show was over. =(
But at least I get to see her again. =D Since she'll be flying back to London in a couple of weeks' time...
Haha! Really! Even though many people say that this year, Christmas feels commercialised. Or that this year doesn't have a Christmas-y sort of feel, etc. But to me, this Christmas is probably the best Christmas of my life. =^^=
There is no better way to spend a holiday than with everyone you care about. ^-^
Randomness
Thursday, December 22, 2011 5:23 pm
As usual, after a whole exciting day of yesterday with wonderful company, now that I'm back home. Life suddenly seem to be on slow mode.
Sigh. Anyway, (and as usual), taken from Ochibi's blog, something to pass time. Until Friday.
1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.Chiisana Hoshi ga Oriru Toki by My Hime
Destiny by Nami Tamaki
Step by KARA
Hinageshi by Ranma 1/2
Hikousen by Groove Adventure Rave
Oh My Friend by Big Bang
It seems... I have lots of japanese songs. XD
2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
Johnny Depp! Ah... Chris Hemsworth (Actor of Thor) too, I guess...
3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
There are no books near me? On my table are my chinese books (I AM NOT TOUCHING THEM) and my bible... In front of me, are a whole series of books I've never touched...
Ah... This book, "Authentic Beauty" (There is a reason why I don't touch the books in front of me), page 23... Oh yay! No line 17!
4) What do you think about most?
Nothing. Really.
5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?
Kyoya: "lol. I'm guessing I don't have to pay then. haha. help me thank her yup. Lol. Getting old and longwinded :)"
Cause Kyoya had a sleepover with my brothers after watching Wicked with me. So, my Mom paid for his drink and breakfast. Watching Wicked will give you a 1-for-1 offer for an alcholic drink so my Mom kinda paid for his drink. And breakfast. Since she was paying for everyone else.
6) Do you sleep with or without on?
... With what? Clothes on, duh. Lights out, DUH.
7) What’s your strangest talent?
I have... none? That I know of, at least.
Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence)
Girls are complicated.
Boys, even more so.
Sorry. Those were the only words that came to mind...
9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?
Yeah. A poem by an ex-friend of mine. I still keep it though. For memories' sake. Though now, whenever I read it, I wanna slap her... ^^"
10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?
I don't...?
11) Do you have any strange phobias?
I don't think any of my phobias are strange...
12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
No.
13) What’s your religion?
Christianity.
14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
GETTING LOST.
15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
Behind. For some reason, it feels safer behind the camera than in front of it. I tend to get too self-conscious with that... THING pointed at me.
16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?
I love Skillet best. Linkin Park second. (... All rock bands. Whoo!) For groups, I love DBSK best!!! =^^=
17) What was the last lie you told?
I don't really lie... If I did, I don't remember it... I don't even remember half the things I say!
18) Do you believe in karma?
In a way. What comes around, goes around.
19) What does your URL mean?
... It doesn't really have much of a meaning actually. I just thought the idea of it sounds really cool. To have wings the shade of midnight blue.
I created this blog when I was still in secondary school, where I live in a world of fantasy. Hence, the name. But now, even though I'm much more realistic, the name still brings back fond memories.
And why midnight blue? Simple. In secondary school, I was head over heels with a character I created. It's like imagining your ideal boyfriend. He's Kai look-alike. (Kai Hiwatari from Beyblade) and my colour for him is midnight blue. Hence, that particular shade.
20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
My greatest strength, I suppose, is that I'm really nice. And my greatest weakness is, I'm too nice.
Haha! Shell once commented that all my strengths can be weaknesses and vice versa, depending on the situations I'm in.
21) Who is your celebrity crush?
Johnny Depp... Though I never really had crushes on RL celebrities...
22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
No.
23) How do you vent your anger?
When I'm really angry, I kinda get snappy. When I'm in a rage, I burst into tears and go on a murderous hunt. (Whether I find my target before my rage wears off is another matter altogether)
I kid you not.
24) Do you have a collection of anything?
Blank books! XD I still have, like, 13+++ of them untouched in my cupboard. Haha! I also collect sets of colourful pens/pencils/markers/highlighters/gel pens/etc.
I used to collect really random stuff, like bottles of coloured sand, ribbons, bells, stickers, etc, etc. ^^"
25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
I prefer talking on the phone. I like to hear the other person's voice. XD
I don't like video chatting. Anything involving videos, cameras, or any recording device that enables me to see myself, I tend to get extremely self-conscious and freak out, internally.
26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?
Yes I am. I still have lots of things about myself I've yet to discover. But from what I was in the past, I'm really happy with myself now.
27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?
I hate the sound of crying babies, and other irritating noises.
I love the sound of silence. XD And the laughter of my friends and family.
28) What’s your biggest “what if”?
What if I became like you?
I adapt to people rather easily. And the people I adapt to, tend to influence me A LOT. So yeah. Sometimes I do wonder... What if I became like you...
29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
Ghosts, yes. Shell and Cross can see them. So I guess, they do exist. Aliens... Part of me hopes so. Part of me is skeptical about it.
30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.
Right arm: My pencil box.
Left arm: A porcelain waffle cup I got as a Christmas present from one of the choir ladies.
31) Smell the air. What do you smell?
The smell of my room,I guess.
32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?
SCHOOL.
33) Choose: East Coast or West Coast?
East.
34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?
Personality-wise: Max Changmin. Vocals-wise: Junsu and JaeJoong. Stage Presence: Kazuya Kamenashi.
Yeah. They're all attractive to me for various reasons.
35) To you, what is the meaning of life?
To worship God. And to honour and serve him.
That is the whole definition of my life.
36) Define: Art.
Self expression.
37) Do you believe in luck?
A little. ~_^ Life is all about Love and Laughter, with dashes of Luck and Drama. Haha!
38) What’s the weather like right now?
Rainy.
39) What time is it?
Ah... 6.07pm?
40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?
I drive. And I have never crashed. Though there are... near accidents.
41) What was the last book you read?
The Tender Words of God, by Ann Spanner. It's like a daily devotion book. I'm trying to finish it to move on to other things.
42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?
At first whiff, yes. After that, no.
43) Do you have any nicknames?
Jess, Hibari (Ochibi), Jie (my brothers call me that), Girl (my parents)
I don't remember any others. The random terms of "endearment" Kyoya calls me don't count.
44) What was the last movie you saw?
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.
45) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
Broken Toe. OUCH.
46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?
Yeah! XD The first time I did, all I did was stretch out my hand, and a butterfly handed on it. And refuse to fly off. Do I taste that sweet? =/
47) Do you have any obsessions right now?
Not really. I rarely obsess over stuff...
48) What’s your sexual orientation?
Straight. Usually.
49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?
... Do you want them in alphabetical order? Or chronological?
50) Do you believe in magic?
XD Not really. More like, illusions.
51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
Yes, for quite a while too...
52) What is your astrological sign?
Gemini
53) Do you save money or spend it?
Save!!!
54) What’s the last thing you purchased?
Sushi from Cold Storage.
55) Love or lust?
Both.
56) In a relationship?
All the time. I have a love relationship with God. Friendships with my friends (duh). And kinship with my family.
Hey! They're all relationships! Just different kinds!
57) How many relationships have you had?
XD See above. But if you wanna know BGR, I have none. =P
58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
No.
59) Where were you yesterday?
At MBS!!! With Kyoya! *wink*
60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
No.
61) Are you wearing socks right now?
Nope.
62) What’s your favorite animal?
As of the moment, cats.
63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
... I have a secret weapon? I have no idea why people like me... But when I meet people for the first time, I'm generally friendly.
64) Where is your best friend?
AT WORK. Zzz. But I'll be meeting her on Friday!! WHOO! *throws confetti*
65) Spit or swallow?(;
Which do you prefer? ~_^
66) What is your heritage?
Chinese.
67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
Walking around MBS with Kyoya and Sam, I think. After that, Sam went to sleep. So it became just Kyoya and I.
68) What do you think is Satan’s last name?
He has one?
69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?
... If you're asking what I think you're asking... No.
70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?
Haha! I don't mind. Though not someone exactly like me, per say... Someone... Similar, yet different.
71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
Screw work. Doggie! Here I come!
72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
a) No I won't tell anyone. No reason to make them sad. That being said, I would wish someone knew about it.
b) I would travel. As much as I could. And for my last week, I'd just meet all those who matter to me, just to see them one last time.
c) I would be... Excited, yet scared. Somewhat sad, too.
73) You can only have one of these things: trust or love.
Love.
74) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
Hi Ya Ya by DBSK. It's a damn cute song!
75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?
3232
76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?
Understanding, acceptance, give and take.
77) How can I win your heart?
Touch me, baby. ~_^ Hahaha! It's not difficult to win my heart!
78) Can insanity bring on more creativity?
Yes.
79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
I took the path of the Cross. And I've never looked back since.
80) What size shoes do you wear?
6 and a half.
81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?
Psalms 23, last verse: And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
82) What is your favorite word?
HAHAHA! ^^
83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word: heart.
Biological pump! XD OMG. I've been in the science stream for way too long!
84) What is a saying you say a lot?
... I dunno...
85) What’s the last song you listened to?
No Better Than Strangers, by Baby Soul.
86) Basic question: what’s your favorite color/colors?
Black. Silver. Midnight blue. Dark red.
87) What is your current desktop picture?
Corseltel no Ryuujitsushi. XD The dragons are damn cute!
88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?
... I can only kill one?!
89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
Anything involving Christianity. My faith is my own. And I never really liked talking about it.
90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?
!!! HOLY SHIT!!!
91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?
Teleportation!!!
92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
That moment, when I was standing at the front of the boat. With the breeze in my hair, the sea beneath me, the mountains beside me, the seagulls above me. And God surrounding me.
93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
None. I need them. As much as I hate them, I need them to grow.
94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?
I DON'T KNOW ANY I LIKE THAT MUCH.
95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Venice.
96) Do you have any relatives in jail?
No.
97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?
Yes.
98) Ever been on a plane?
Yes.
99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?
... Hi?
100) Give me your top 5 favorite blogs on Tumblr.
I don't have Tumblr.
On the Brink of Chaos
Monday, December 19, 2011 9:20 pm
18/12
First day at camp, and I'm already struggling through it.
When there was an altar call to be baptised by the Spirit (aka speak in tongues), I know I should have gone up. It's like a whisper in my heart, a prompting at the back on my mind. I should be up there. And as the pastor prayed for the people that went up, tears just fell from my eyes.
God called. So why didn't I answer?
My spirit wanted to answer and obey, but my flesh was so scared and so pathetically weak. And tears of frustration, sorrow and anger just fell. Frustration at my own inability to obey (and I call myself a Christian...), sorrow because I actually wanted to obey... But I CAN'T. And anger at myself, at my own weakness.
Mel prayed for me. She and sensed and told me that, yes I do love God, and I was holding his hand (spiritually, of course.) But I can't seem to let go of ... Something. And because I can't let go, I can't give up my control, I cannot follow God. I was going nowhere in this tug-of-war.
But it's really so hard to let go. Even in my life, there are things I know I must let go, but I can't. What more about my spiritual self.
But I somehow just can't let go. The very thought of letting go scared me to tears. I am holding on so tightly, and I can't let go.
I mean, I know what I should do. But, in theory, everything seems so easy...
At least I have one consolation, in this war within myself. I know God will wait until my childish self has matured enough to let go, and let God.
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Another matter that struck me in camp. The camp seniors were talking about friendships. And how they grew and learned from all their arguments and fights.
This is what I don't understand. The fights in a friendship... Is something I can't identify with.
First of all, for those friends that matter, I have never fought with them before. (Except with Cross. And that was because he was being stupid, and I chose Yuki over him.)
I suppose it's just me, I guess. Because if I truly value a friend, I would put that person's happiness above my own. I would do my best for them, to understand them. And I would give everything, until I don't know what to give anymore.
So if I ever have an argument... Well... Let's just say, the person would probably no longer be a friend. Trust, once broken, is near impossible to restore for me. And I don't see the point in keeping that friendship anymore.
So... I don't know... Anything about such fights and stuff.
Sigh. I still need to be more mature, to grow more, to be stronger. There is still so much more I need to learn.
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19/12
Last night, God threw even more curveballs at me. And I guess it made me realise that in my spiritual walk, all I am going is in circles. I know nothing more than what I knew years ago.
And I dunno, It just frustrates me that I'm trying to learn to be more encouraging, to be more comforting, to learn to be a better friend, etc, and in the end, I'm still back in square one. I knew nothing back then. I know nothing now.
Even as the pastor was asking everyone to comfort and encourage anyone, and everyone (obviously) bands with their own cliques and friends, and all I saw, is that I have no place there. Neither me, nor my brothers.
So I left. I left the room. And I really questioned God. What the fuck was I doing there? Why did He want me to come for this camp? I don't understand anymore.
In a spiritual sense, I was lost, I was dry. And I can't be what I want to be. And it just... Upsets me I guess. (And I think I cried more times during camp that I did during the entire year...)
And I guess... It is just really unsettling emotionally. So... I'm basically a mess now.
Maybe in the future, I would say that I know why I was there. That I had to go through what I had to go through. Maybe I would look back and see an important lesson in life.
But for now, I can't do that. For now, I wish I never came.
And today, when we were singing all sorts of Christian songs during service, as per usual, all the words, words like "happy day", "your grace is enough", etc. They were so hard to sing.
Those words, that used to mean so much to me, now just hurts like shit to say them. And I dunno... I was just really sad.
Happy Pills (as was her nickname in camp) was a really good enouragement to me though. And I thank God. Even though she doesn't know me that well, and she has many other friends, she still made time to listen and to talk to me, and to encourage me.
And I suppose, God knows, I probably needed someone who would understand at that moment.
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And now that camp is over, all there is left are the lingering pain of being left out. Again.
On the bus back, when my group leader was calling out all the different group members and saying words of encouragement and affirmation to them, she forgot me.
And no one reminded her.
And I know I shouldn't be so petty over such small stuff. And that since I only entered the camp half-way through, I didn't spend that much time with the group, etc. But still... There was that lingering pain. Of being left out again.
And I know my brothers were all in similar situations during camp... Sam, same as me, being called but not answering, because he was so afraid. Afraid that no one would be there to support him, when he needed it the most. It happened before, and he couldn't bear the pain of it happening again.
Zack, when he answered the altar call, stood right in the front. And the pastor just past him over. And I guess... The feeling of being left on the sidelines, is never a great feeling. Even when Zack went to comfort others, to reassure others. They were all like "Uh. Yeah. Thanks. You too." And it's so obvious that he was not someone they treasure... And I dunno. I feel for him too I guess.
Sigh. I'm just very emotionally drained for those 2 days. And I really missed Kyoya, Sexy and Yuki when I was there. Even though they aren't Christians, at least... I won't be alone there.
Uncharted Waters
Thursday, December 15, 2011 1:04 am
Ah! Tuesday was a really great day spent with Kyoya! =^^=
And I learnt a few things about Sexy too. =P
It seems Sexy initially thought Kyoya and I were together. So he didn't chase me. Or something like that.
Anyway, I have no idea how long ago was that... Nor do I know whether his feelings have changed, or whether he would "make his move", according to Kyoya, when school starts.
So, I think I'll stick by my original plan. The "Let it play out and see what happens" plan. I know what's going to happen on my side of the story. It's fairly predictable. If you still don't have a clue, let me give you a hint: I tend to fall. Fast.
But for his side... I have no idea... Unlike Kyoya, I seriously suck at guessing people's actions or personalities... And I don't really know Sexy all that well. =/
So for now... I'll just pray. For the courage to fall, cry and get back up again. Haha! Cross was talking to me about it. (or should I say, I was talking to Cross about it.) And of course, Cross was being his usual self (which is an ass), but as much as I don't like him, he has good judgement on people and he has a good heart.
Zzz. But I still don't like him.
Anyway, for Christmas... I HAVE TO SING CHINESE SONGS. HOLY CRAP!!! I'm gonna die memorising the lyrics... Ughhhh...
Why I'm suddenly ranting about chinese? Choir practice is tomorrow. Yay.
Ah heck... I shall not think too much about these things. If he does like me, well... It'll probably be as frightening and as exciting as wandering into uncharted waters. If not, I will still have a friend. And for next year, I shall walk, laugh and cry.
And I will not be afraid. >=)
Friday, December 09, 2011 1:26 am
Somehow, when I'm reminded of my current (non-existing) walk with God, I have this really sad feeling...
I miss my old church... I mean... I never belonged there... God knows, I tried to belong. But I just can't. But still, it was the place where I found God. It was the place I grew up with all the people there. And I miss it terribly.
I wish I can go back there again... But there is a part of me that's afraid to. After all, I never belonged.
And I just... I dunno feel sorta sad...
It doesn't help that my walk with God is really, really off now. It feels like I've lost communication with a really important friend... So yeah... More sorrow. Yippee.
Sigh... And sometimes, I do wish my closer friends were Christian... Then at least, I have someone I can talk to about such things... For now, there's just me, God (if He's still listening to me) and this blog.
Thursday, December 08, 2011 4:58 pm
Oh dear God... I'm BORED outta my mind... Next next week will be hell eventful, but for now... I'm boreddddddd.
Lemme see... Next week there's choir practice. (It's Christmas! You can't expect us to NOT sing, can you?) Then there's a birthday party to attend.
And the next day after the party, at about 6am, I have to leave for Malaysia for camp! XD Thought I couldn't go for the camp, but the committee is willing to let me go for a half-camp instead. Whoo! =^^= Thank you Lord! Though at the moment, I'm sorta having mixed feelings about it. As I usually do for Christian camps...
Then I'm going on a hot date with Kyoya. ~_^ To watch Wicked. And a couple of days after that, I'm watching Crazy Christmas with Kyoya and Sexy!
And somewhere between now and then, I'm going to the birdpark with Yuki, and shopping too. (Amazing! Yuki shops!) XD Apparently Cross was telling me that Yuki is way more "dude" than me. =P Haha!
Maybe for the shopping part, I'll ask Kyoya along too... XD If not I'll be... someone extra there.
Then on New Year's Eve, I'll be going my Mom and her friends for a New Year's Bash. With a live band, a dance floor, and lots of alcohol. Haha!
Ah... I also need to learn how to cook, and find a way to exercise in the midst of everything. Hm... I should start checking out the CC soon...
Flashback
Wednesday, December 07, 2011 2:14 am
I've been reading all my past blog posts.
Haha! It's amazing how far I have come since I first started this blog. It started off with an overdose of melodrama. I'm serious. When I read my blog, I was trying not to cringe, yet I understood, more or less, what was going on.
I was definitely a bundle of energy when I was a teenager... And I also realised a lot of really dumb things. Like, a guy confessed to me, AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW. OMG. How dumb/dense was I?! Best part? I even wrote it down... -_- And I still didn't figure it out. Way to go, genius.
I had auditioned for a concert. And from the fact I remember nuts about it, means I probably didn't get in.
And I remembered how fun it was role-playing all my lovely little characters in my head. XD I suppose as I begin to interact more with Kyoya, Sexy and the rest of the class and people in general, eventually, those characters fade away as well...
After all, I did invent them so that I won't ever feel lonely again. Haha! And I probably outgrew them. But I missed them.
And of course, my long posts on YX throughout my year 1 sem 2 period. How could I forget? =/
All my emo/angsty posts. XD Haha! It seems I also complain like hell about chinese. But somehow, no matter what, God always sees me through...
On a side note, I have never considered not going China. Even when I doubt myself, I would see bible verses on my FB page. Words that basically tell me "Do not give up" and that "God will be my guide" keeps popping up. And somehow I am always reminded, God is in control. Even when I don't feel close to Him, even when I am so focused on myself, when I have sort of drifted away...
No matter what, God is in control. And unless He tells me to, I will not quit.
And of course, I read about the progress of Kyoya's friendship with me. XD
And all my silly ramblings on life in general. So many things and memories were recorded here.
Things that have passed, like FOC 2010, RTC, my grandpa's operation, and all sorts of other chaos. Makes me realise that last year was actually a rather intesting year overall... XD
And I watched lots of movies. O.o
Haha! I think something that was more evident in last year's posts, compared to this year, is that last year, I really relied on God a lot more. Reading through my posts reminded me of all the miracles that happened in my life. Things just happen, or things just align themselves, as if I have some epic divine planner up there planning my schedule. (I won't be surprised if God's like that...)
For me, as of the moment, I'm just kinda spiritually numb now. I don't know if I had put my beliefs on hold or what, but... I don't know... God just seems so far away nowadays. Even though I know He's never far, after all it is during those toughest times, when there is only one set of footprints, it is when God is carrying me. (It's from a Christian poem called "Footprints".) I know that in my head, but for now... He just feels damn far. Zzz.
And of course, I can't believe it was just last year that Cross and I fought. In a sense. And it's been only a year since all those crazy events took place.
Haha! And it was kinda fun re-reading my own experiences and other flashbacks. Such as that of choir. =^^=
And of course, once school re-opened, all my blog consists of is more complaints about chinese. XDDD And about my class in general.
And about all the people whom I have eyed, fancied, etc. Haha!
And all the crazy things I did. XD
And now, I'm sort of glad it's all over... (P.S. I only read my past entries until Dec 2010. I shall read my 2011 posts when I'm re-capping the year.)
Although now... Looking back... I realise there are quite a number of people whom I have once called "friends". But now, as I get to know them better, I suppose they no longer are...
And while I'm still too nice for my own good... I'm more guarded now. And also more selective with the people whom I want to interact. I've let some go, and let some in.
And I dunno... From last year to this year... Now even as I read the past entries... I realised that within one year, so many things have changed for me. Emotionally, especially.
I don't really know what's different. All I know is that the me from last year, is quite different form the me of this year... That's what I feel anyway. And I hope that the change is a good one... XD
Tears and Joy
Tuesday, December 06, 2011 10:07 pm
Dan Dan kokoro hikareteku sono mabushii egao ni Hatenai yami kara tobidasou, hold my hand!Watched finish DBGT just last night. It was a really sad feeling... I mean, I first started watching this, like 9 to 10 years ago. XD I would download all the episodes and save them like some treasure. (Although my brother accidentally deleted EVERYTHING.)
And now to watch the very last episode of the entire series... Leaves a sort of heartache... I mean, Goku isn't the kind of character I would like in an anime/manga. But after so long, he grows on you I suppose.
Kimi to deatta toki
Kodomo no koro taisetsu ni omotte ita basho wo omoidashita n' da
Boku to odotte kurenai ka
Hikari to kage no Winding road Ima to demo yatsu ni muchuu na no?
Sukoshi dake furimukitaku naru you na toki mo aru kedo
Ai to yuuki to hokori wo motte Tatakau yoAnd the last episode is really sad. The episode summaries just go "Shenlong ask Goku to accompany him", but when you actually watch the series, in the anime, Vegeta realised something. I didn't realise what he realised until I watched Goku saying farewell to literally everyone. Then it hit me hard.
At the last battle, Goku died. Shenlong revived him, but he couldn't let Goku stay. Goku was not going on some epic training with Shenlong. He is not taking some vacation and will be back soon. He is actually gone.
DAN DAN Kokoro hikarete 'ku
Kono hoshi no kibou no kakera
Kitto dare mo ga eien wo te ni iretai
ZEN ZEN Ki ni shinai furi shite mo
Hora Kimi ni koi shite 'ru
Hatenai yami kara tobidasou Hold your handI mean, he said he'll be back. But the way he said goodbye, it was not that of someone who is going on a trip. It was the kind of goodbye you'd say to someone you would never see again.
And somehow, the idea that he's really gone for good this time just made me really sad... I think Vegeta realised it, because when Goku entrusted the role of the saviour to Vegeta, he knew. Goku isn't coming back. And when Pan picked up Goku's clothes, she knew too, I guessed.
Okotta kao mo tsukarete 'ru Kimi mo suki da kedo
Anna ni tobashite ikite daijoubu ka na to omou
Boku wa... Nanige nai shigusa ni furimawasarete 'ru Sea Side Blue
Sore demo aitsu ni muchuu na no?
Motto kikitai koto ga atta no ni
Futari no kaiwa ga kuruma no oto ni habamarete toori ni mau yo
So I suppose this is to the imaginary character who unwittingly captured my heart:
After all these years of journeying with you, I was really glad when I met you. After all these years, I suppose I never quite forgot about you. You who is so silly and idiotic, yet so full of kindness and gentleness, I will miss you a lot.
And now, I suppose I doubt I can ever watch the other episodes of you, watching you smile, without feeling this sadness. Because now I know, what will happen to you. But you have always been like that I suppose. Always leaving on a whim. It's just this time, you won't be coming back.
Anyway, I just want to say thank you. For all the adventures. The laughter you bring. And that selflessness and kindness that is so endearing.
Goodbye.
DAN DAN Kokoro hikarete 'ku
Jibun demo fushigi nan' da kedo
Nani ka aru to sugu ni kimi ni denwa shitaku naru
ZEN ZEN ki no nai furi shite mo
Kekkyoku kimi no koto dake mite ita
Umi no kanata e tobidasou yo Hold My Hand--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok. Enough of tears. Onto happy parts.
Today, I had a hot date with Sexy. ~_^ Haha! We watched "Already Famous" together. XD It was really a "feel good" kind of movie. OMG. The romance totally felt pedophilic to me... XD But the movie, although a little unrealistic, was kinda nice. XD
I can't stand the supposed lead guy. Ok, fine. Sexy says he's the kind of guy that most Singaporean girls will like.
I'm sorry. He's the kind of guy I would toss into Bedok Reservoir. I really couldn't stand him.
Anyway, after the movie, we had japanese food for dinner. =^^= And now that I think about it... Sexy paid for everything... Something I'm not particularly used to... Anyway, he said it was his Christmas present to me, so oh well... =/
And he sent me back to Tanah Merah MRT. O.o Something I'm definitely not used to. But I'm not complaining. XD
Hey! Cute guy offering to send me home. WHY NOT? XD It is really nice to talk to him too. We talked about lots of random rubbish. XD And I realised how touchy he is... And that he's also really warm... >///< Ah... I shall not say too much... 'Less I want to sound like some pervert...
AND HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT CAESAR'S GUN GALLERY!!! OMG. It is THE best shop in the whole of Singapore! XD I wanted a membership card from that shop when I was in JC. Haha! But now... I guess I probably won't get it. It's not practical... At most, I'll just buy one or two swords. It's not worth the membership card.
(But all those collectors' items are always so damn nice... I want...) Sigh... Oh well...
Haha! But my "date" with Sexy was really fun. XD I'm glad I got to know him better. Haha! And just at the beginning of the year, I was wondering how on Earth am I going to know him better, with our different schedules and all. Haha! Looks like things will work out after all. ^_^
Friday, December 02, 2011 8:54 pm
Yay! Had a fun day with Shell today. XD
It's been a hell long time since I last saw her. XD She's still the same as always. Haha!
We mainly had lunch and we watched "Puss In Boots".
The movie was kinda cliché. But it was a really nice movie with lots of funny rubbish in between the whole chaos. I am really happy the egg died. I really didn't like him... I guess for me, he embodies the role of a traitor, and that is a role I can never quite forgive. So yeah... I was really happy when he got smashed to bits.
Of course, the cats were adorable beyond words. SO CUTE!!! ♥♥♥ Softpaws is just plain lovable. And her eyes!! They were such a gorgeous shade of blue. XD
Anyway, I'm watching Almost Famous with Sexy on Tues! XDDD And going to Jurong Birdpark with Yuki~♥ And Cross... (Which is Ivan's self-appointed codename) Haha!
As of the moment, I'm more excited about meeting Sexy than Yuki. I mean, here was I wondering how to spend more time with Sexy to get to know him better and befriend him (Sorry. It takes me a while to form friendships.), and he suggested watching "Almost Famous" since his exams is FINALLY over. XDDD So I agreed. Duh. Cute guy asked me to watch a movie. I'd be an idiot to say no. =P
That, and I've never been particularly fond of birds... Unless it's a hawk or a falcon. =/ Though I definitely can't wait to see Yuki again. OMG. It felt like forever since I last saw her! That being said, I can still remember the last time I spent the day with her. XD Things like these, you don't forget so easily. XD
Sigh... And now I have a hall! Yay! Coincidentally, it's the same as Kyoya's... Although my friend warned me the roommate is from ADM, nocturnal and kinda insensitive...
Looks like I need a night-shade of some sorts. And ear plugs, I think. If she's a noisy one, ear plugs. I can wake up on the phone's vibration alone, so it's not too bad. (Don't ask me how. I JUST CAN.) If it's light, then all I need to do is blindfold myself or something.
... Sometimes I wonder at my own adaptability...
And then, through the holidays, one of my cell members is coming over to teach me to cook. Ugh... I hate the kitchen and everything in it... But if i were to survive in China... I don't exactly have a choice, do I? It's either learn to cook, or mooch off people.
I'd rather cook.
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