Ugh. YOU IDIOT!!

How on Earth do I tell you to get the hell out of my life, while being nice and all? Grrr...

First, it was much easier to pull the "my schedule is busy with my hell timetable" thing with you... But now that holidays are here.

Now... It's just awkward on my part... Sure, I mean, I don't mind going out with you WHEN THERE IS A GROUP OUTING.

Now, it's just plain annoying. I really just want to tell you to stop bothering me. And no, contrary to your belief, I do not appreciate your company. Sure, maybe I once did. Once upon a time, that is.

After you left, I sealed you out. Don't you dare waltz back in as if you have been in my life all along. Please stay out of my life, which is the place where you belong. Zzz... When I'm bored, and when I want company, I was talking about people whom I call friends, or allies even. Not someone like you. You were someone I knew. And the more I knew, the less I wish to know.

For someone who has been through a lot, I sort of expect a more mature person... Like Kyoya. But now... Ugh. All I get is a strong sense of discomfort and the sentiments along the lines of "Dear God, it's him" whenever I meet you.

Your actions are... disgustingly clingy to me. I mean, in public, when I HAVE to encounter you, especially in church, at least it's easier to block my thoughts and feelings. But when I'm left alone to think, ... Ugh... I dread meeting you, in all honesty.

And I can't talk to you... After all a while, most of your conversations are more or less the same topics... If it's not about family, it's about church. And that's about all we can talk about...

I mean, sure, family is my comfort topic, but there's only so much I can rattle on about them. And by the way, I can't stand your little mask. Always pretending to be so cheerful, is it an un-Christian thing to actually be sad? Why must you put up such a mask? The more I see it, the more I really wish I don't have to see it.

Ugh... I suppose the thing I can't stand the most about you is how much like a kid you are. I mean, sure you love them and all, but I can't stand 23-year-olds acting like a 6-year-old. -_-

For LMS, she's younger than me, so I can still tolerate her, to some extent... But for A... I can't... It's worse than watching my dad... At least when my dad is being childish and all, my mom buffers almost everything away. And my dad is family. He's granted certain exemptions when it comes to things I can't tolerate.

For A... I would actually tell you to GET LOST, if I weren't so nice... So therein lies the problem... How do you NICELY tell someone to "get lost"?

Back to the present?

Copied this off Ochibi's blog. XD It sounds fun. So I shall try it. Hahaha!

~~~~~~~~~~Situations and crazy things

You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done?

A dragon symbol, something like Mortal Combat kind. But more... fluid-like and less pointy. On my lower back. XD

What’s something you can see yourself going to jail for?

Murder. Haha!

If you could be any character, from any literary work, who would you choose to be?

Ah... If I have to choose someone... Then I would pick Houston Chandler from Twin of Ice. She's one epic woman! XD And I love her husband. ~_^

You’re given $10,000…under one condition: you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who would you give it to?

My brothers. I'd give $5000 to Zack do build up his skills on animation. And I'd give $5000 to Sam for his company to rise up.

If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?

... I have no idea... Probably I'd learn how to play the guitar...

If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why?

Caesium. It goes "KABOOM" baby! Whoo! I'd love to go out with a bang like that! (although that means I die... really fast...)

If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

Lower half of J1 and upper half of J2. That was my hell year in my life. But... The things I've learnt in that year... Have to be learnt for me to mature.

You’re an Action Movie Hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy?

Twin kodachis.

I don't scream. I would grin like a maniac, but I won't scream.

If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like?

Some horror themed ride that's more than what meets the eye... And it would be rather insane too...

What is the first curse word that comes to mind?

SHIT!

What are you supposed to be doing right now?

NOTHING. LALALA~

Currently wanting to see anyone?

Kyoya. Sexy. Yuki. Ochibi.

*************************************************

~~~~~~~~~~Opinions and beliefs

Is the cup half full or half empty for you right now?

Depends on my mood. As of the moment, half full. =DDD

Do you believe in fate/destiny?

Not so much of fate/destiny... But more of... If it's not something I want, if God puts me there, unless He tells me to stop, I will not quit. If I want something badly, even if God tells me to stop, I will not quit...

OMG I sound like my dad!!!

What you wish for on 11:11?

Nothing? It's just a number... I'd probably make a wishful wish on the 12.12. That makes more sense than 11.11...

Do you consider yourself lucky? What’s your good luck charm?

Luck? I believe Lady Luck as an agenda against me actually.

Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets?

Maybe... Hope so. It'd be so cool to meet aliens. And see how they look like. Learn how they live. And all their ways of life. It's like... A whole new world! XD

What is your religion, if any?

Christian. And proud of it.

Would you go against your moral code for money?

No.

What’s more important to you: strength of the body or strength of the mind?

Strength of mind.

How important you think education is?

Important enough.

If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change?

Myself.

Is it the thought that counts? Or is that phrase circumstantial?

Circumstantial.

If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?

*NEW GOAL* Fly to Venice! EAT TIRAMITSU!!

Which movie character do you most identify with and why?

... Ah... As long as I know the character well enough... I can identify with him/her. It's... a side effect of being a Gemini I suppose. I can literally place myself in anyone's shoes... Except the manipulative kind... I don't want to wear those shoes...

Back to the present?

Hm... Last night, I dreamt of the Lefties this time. For some reason, I kept straying from them. It's like I get distracted and I wander off on my own. ^^"

Back to the present?

Ah... These few days I've been having dreams of Kyoya... Though I kinda forgot what they are... All I remember is that he's in them. =/

And no, I do not dream of him as my boyfriend... -_- But more of... things I would do with Zack and Sam. ^^" With less bullying, of course. (God help me the day I think Kyoya as bully-able...) Most of the dreams are mainly about us doing random stuff together... Hence, I don't remember it...

Things I remember in my dreams are like, flying a helicopter and crashing it. Jumping off a cliff, playing sky-rugby with some of my classmates, being stabbed to death by needles (I freaked out at that one), being chased by zombies, being some sort of secret agent (Mwhahahaha!), and stuff like that.

Random stuffs I do not remember. Unless they're really weird. And trust me when I say my dreams tend to have lots of randomness in it.

And for once! I have the longest nicest sleep of my life! XD I fell asleep at about 10pm... ^^" I was literally living on caffeine and sugar yesterday. Chinese. BLEARGH. I think that subject is trying new ways of assassination... And I'm its main target! Zzz.

Haha! And after chinese, well... Let's just say I feel as if my exams are already over! XD Like the feeling you get when you have completed almost all your papers, and the remaining papers are all MCQ papers. That kind of feeling. Hahaha!

Sigh... I don't wanna start studying plant bio... I'm lazzzzyyy...

Back to the present?

OMGGG!! YAMI NO MATSUEI IS RESTARTING!!! WHOO!!!

It is the most epic of all manga that I've read. And in case it's not obvious enough, I AM IN LOVE WITH THE MANGA.

YAY!!!!!!!!

The mangaka went on an 8 year hiatus. And I almost lost hope... But seriously! THEY'RE BACK. And I am gonna marathon the manga again after the exams!

Haha! There are only a few characters in manga that actually influence my life. One is my first anime love, Trunks from DBZ/DBGT. XD It was because of him that I eventually fell in love with anime/manga itself. And my ideal type of boyfriend is also sort of based off his character. ^^"

The second is Kai Hiwatari from Beyblade. He was my longest love. XD I've been nuts about him since secondary school. But alas, the thing about such characters is that you grow up, and they don't. So I have to move on. ;_;

The last character is Muraki Kazutaka from Yami no Matsuei. It is because of him that I actually decided to go down the medical path. As you can guess, in Yami no Matsuei, he's a doctor. Although he's crazy, bloodthirsty, completely psychotic, etc. He's a doctor. And the only one I really admired wholeheartedly.

Don't ask me why. But his story is sort of sad too. He became a doctor, but realised the shortcomings of medicine, and the reality that no matter how good medicine is, one can never escape death. And I suppose it was this realisation that no matter how hard he tries to cure patients, he will eventually lose to death, that made him go... Kinda wacko.

But the scene that will forever touch my heart is seeing Muraki in a cemetary. The cemetary is specially for stillborns, babies that never had a chance in this world. And I dunno... Seeing Muraki there... I was kinda in awe of him. He is someone that I can identify as fully human... And fully demonic...

AS you can probably tell, he's the antagonist in the story. XD And the last book before the author went on hiatus, Muraki was about to make his grand entrance AGAIN. So, as you can tell, I can't wait for the next volume to be released!!

(Part of the thrill is watching him traumatise all the main characters, like Tsuzuki)

Tsuzuki... Is the most powerful Shinigami (yes, the entire story of Yami no Matsuei talks about Gods of Death, life and other such issues) that ever existed. But he was an existence that wasn't entirely human, and he was hated and feared because of it. When he became a Shinigami, he wanted everyone he encounters to be able to meet death without regret. Idealistic, isn't he?

The interesting part is, you can choose to be a Shinigami if there is something in life that you cannot let go of. Every one of the Shinigami in the manga has... unresolved issues, or issues that can never be resolved.

Tsuzuki, in a sense, always hopes for the best scenerio possible. To the point that it's almost painful to watch him.

Hisoka, Tsuzuki's partner, is the same. Hisoka is one of the many victims of Muraki. Ah... One thing about Muraki. His favourite hobby is to psychologically torture people to the point of self-destruction. Hisoka was different. He was tortured to death physically. And raped. And had his memories taken. And tattooed with some curse of Muraki's... >.> So yeah... Hisoka gets a little obssessed with battling Muraki.

Muraki always wins though. Even when he doesn't win, he takes the main characters down with him. HE'S THAT EPIC.

Haha! Muraki is untouchable. And I guess, that's one reason why I am still so drawn towards him.

The thing about Muraki, he draws his victims in psychologically, to the point where they cannot escape him, even in death. In a sense, you can't escape from him. Your life becomes intertwined with his, like a spider's web.

I suppose you could say, I'm a victim too. =^^=

-----------------------------------------------------

Anyway, the ones with the most impact, I suppose are Kai and Muraki. Heck, they are literally the reason why I like the colours dark blue and silver. Red is my colour, btw.

Even now, I am waiting. To the day I can meet Muraki again~

Back to the present?

Ugh.

I believe my late lunch is coming back to haunt me...

My side aches now...

So far, since I discovered that eating stops the pain, I haven't had any... full-blown attacks yet... Though anytime my meals become the slightest bit irregular, the aches comes back.

Aches are the first symptoms, or signs, or whatever you want to call them.

If I don't eat something FAST, the aches will soon turn into a cramp within a couple of hours. And by the time the 3rd or 4th hour arrives, I'd be in too much pain to do anything.

Heck, even painkillers don't work. If I'm lucky, they help knock me out. If not, God bless me.

The pain spreads across from my left lower abdomen, straight to my right. Then it spreads to the entire lower torso. Heck, I remembered doing my best to stop myself from screaming in pain before. Yes, it hurts that much. And no, I can't walk. The best I can do is hobble like some old grandma.

The pain mainly comes in waves. There would be about 10-15 minutes of excruciating pain. Like someone stabbed you with some drillgun and is drilling through your innards. Sharp, crippling pain. Those are the times I would be unable to keep silent about my pain.

After that pain, it ebbs. It never disappears. It just becomes more... tolerable. It becomes less sharp, but more throbbing. By then, as long as that sharp pain is not here, I will sigh with relief.

I have no idea what's the cause though. You could say it's my intestines, since eating helps in pain-relief. But I have never really went of a check-up, so I can't confirm it.

Yay... Had a biscuit. And now the ache is finally fading... It's always very scary to feel that ache in your side. It's like the pain is right behind it, as if it's saying that it's waiting for the moment I falter with my eating, and it would take me to Hell and back.

And now, every slight deviation of my eating pattern makes the ache act up... Like today, I had my usual 3 meals, if you discount my donut in class as my second breakfast. But my lunch was late. Like, 3.30-4pm kind of late. And now, my side acts up. It only acts up at night... But it's bad enough to make you want to panick.

Sigh... At this rate... I'm gonna die in China... Sigh... That pain in my side (literally) has been a "good friend" since secondary school... I doubt it's going to fade away anytime soon...

Back to the present?

I suppose you've made your point. But still...

I know that I tend to be insensitive...

But... In life, there are those who you need to put yourself in their shoes, some whose shoes are more difficult to put yourself into, and some whose shoes you just don't want to try at all.

As of the moment, A falls into the last category.

It's more of... I'm not particularly welcoming towards those that walk out of my life and want to come back in. What's more, the more I know him, the more I wish he would just stay an acquaintance. Although he definitely wants to be more than that with me.

Zzz... But I don't suppose my mom got it. And I didn't quite know how to explain it to her...

Oh yeah. This whole situation started cos A asked me for a hug, and I outright rejected him. And Mom says I was being insensitive, and "can't you tell he needs some form of encouragement right now?", etc.

I'm sorry. Even with friends, there are boundaries. And I've no intention of letting him cross any of them, nor am I going to erase some of those boundaries just because he needs some form of encouragement.

I know I'm insensitive, I'm heartless, I'm too crude, and I'm gonna end up like Dad with no friends by my side if I'm so selective with my friends, etc.

But... I suppose that why she doesn't understand. I'm nice, but not so nice as to allow anyone who walk out of my life to just walk back in again. Sorry. My life isn't some highway or some pit-stop.

A walked out. And unless there is a good reason, like I really really REALLY want his friendship, I won't let him back in. And sorry, but his friendship is not something I want that badly either...

Mom is... Too nice I suppose... I mean... I do my best not to judge people. Really. It's just that... For some people... ARGH.

Besides, as of the moment, I'm still quite anti-Christian. And it doesn't help he's just like those kind of Christians I'm currently not too happy about, and he caught me in a relatively-grumpy mood.

On the other hand, I suppose I could have handled the situation with more sensitivity. I shouldn't be so... blunt with my words. Oh, and I probably should have paid more attention to A since he was sitting beside me, instead of bothering my brother... Scratch that. If I were in the same scenerio, I would have done the exact same thing.

It's like... Putting Kyoya between Tamaki and BMS(E). Who would he prefer to talk to? Of course, it's Tamaki. So yeah... The feeling is something like that...

Sigh... I guess I should apologise to A...

And while I'm at it... I should ask Kyoya how to wear facades... -_- It seems there are many who wants to see me... Not being me.

My Christian cell wants me to be more... Christian-like. My mom wants me to wear an all-accepting, sensitive, kind-hearted, gentle, etc. one, and eventually, when I go out to work, God know what kind of facades people want me to wear... -_-

But I suppose... That's life, isn't it.

Back to the present?

Yesterday and today were rather eventful, due to certain events. XD

Yesterday, the most eventful incident was just after the photo-taking session with our teacher. Haha! I stripped my hoodie off DECENTLY. But apparently, the way I did it almost gave Tamaki a coronary attack. XD

Haha! For all that talk of his, he's actually a rather shy person. Haha! The perfect kind for me to bully. =P And of course me, being me, offered to help him "strip" his hoodie as well, giving him another panic attack. Haha!

Serious! XD Tamaki is almost just like my brothers. Haha! So fun to tekan! XD

And of course, there's my own internship at the dispensary. As much as I really dislike the mod on 草药, I really enjoyed my time at the dispensary. XD

I am really not cut out for lectures and stuff... Zzz. Can't quite focus properly either. I enjoy all the practical lessons more. And it is really so much more fun to learn about 草药 at the dispensary than in class.

And... It also reminds me that I need to read up on most of the 草药 too... XD I forgot most of them already. ^^"

And today. XD I finally found the chance to see Mr. Sexy 2 again! XD It's been a while since I last saw him. Haha! I had forgotten how comfy he is. =P And I had forgotten how... good-looking he is as well. XD

Well... Mr. Sexy 2 tends to wear his shirts in the exact way I happen to find DAMN HOT on a guy... ^^" So yeah... Must remind myself not to stare everytime I see him dress like that. But hey! Free eye candy! XD

And Mr. Sexy 2... Ah hell, I'm just gonna call him Sexy for the sake of easier typing. Anyway, Sexy is also a very comfy guy. I dunno if it's just me, but to me, he gives off this rather relaxed vibe and it's just really comfy to be around him. XD And he's also comfy to lend on too. =^^= Of course, Kyoya is nice and all, but Kyoya tends to give off this "don't-invade-my-private-space" kind of vibe, while Sexy doesn't seem to mind if I did. (At least, I don't think he mind...)

Then again, Sexy is more of a touchy feely kinda guy. So I suppose it's alright? =/

Anyway, I've noticed (yes, I'm slow) that Kitty no longer hangs out with Sexy. Hm... Am I reading too much into it? Or do they still have... unresolved issues? Hm...

Anyway, thinking of unresolved issues makes me think about Kyoya and about what happens if he were to ever find a girlfriend. It's not really hard to imagine actually. Everytime Kyoya talks about the different girls he likes (eg. Jessica from SNSD, Hyomin from T-ara, etc.), I have to put a lid on my feelings.

For a reason. To me, I have possessive issues. =P So to me, Kyoya will always be mine long before he will be hers. So yeah... And I have issues with letting go too. I would know. It took me over a year for me to let Yuki go to Ivan. And even now, I'm still... Not that fond of Ivan... But I've accepted him cos he does make Yuki happy. For now. I dunno about the future though... Sigh.

If Kyoya were to ever get a girlfriend, I think... I would have a similar response. I won't be able to like her, cos I wouldn't be able to let Kyoya go just yet. Yeah yeah, I know I'm selfish. But... I chose Kyoya as a friend those few years ago. And because I did, I suppose I would always consider him mine... Until the day I have to let him go.

Back to the present?

ARGH.

I have many odd dreams! I swear! Zzz. And the latest ones are about my class. Again.

Once again, it's in bits and pieces, so I'll just write whatever pieces that I remember.

I remember for some reason, Fluffy and I were going shopping for things we're gonna buy for China... Or was it shopping in China? I can't quite remember. For some reason, I was shopping for plates and utensils... ^^" And I remembered I was talking to Fluffy about something... Rooming arrangements I think... Zzz... I hate my memory sometimes.

Anyway, cut scenes. Then I was at the cold storage area of the supermarket. And this guy came and accuse me of murdering someone. Of course I denied it, and apparently, no one thought I was guilty, because the next thing I knew, I was on a bus going away.

Anyway, the guy that accused me of murder was the actual murderer himself. Apparently, he has a schizophrenic side that is rather bloodthirsty.

I remembered dreaming about the guys too... Can't remember was it Kyoya, Tamaki, or one of the others... Can't remember what I dreamt either... Zzz.

I really should record my dreams down before school starts. I can never quite remember them after all those hours of chinese...

Back to the present?