Tiring Week
Friday, October 28, 2011 9:53 pm
Oh wow. This week is hell tiring.
First there's my all wonderful test. I swear, I never slept so little in my life! (Unless it's for camps...) Zzz. Then of course, my... womanly problem have to occur after that. That... thing saps the energy out of me faster than the lack of sleep... Oh, and it kills my appetite too... Thanks to the ache... So if I'm sleepy/grumpy/hungry but not eating... Yeah, you know what's happening.
The chinese test was... manageable, provided you remember everything you've read. Which I did not. And I mixed up several parts of my work. So basically, I'm screwed. I didn't even bother counting marks. I would have too little, so to save me the depression, just ignore whatever blanks you fail to fill in and be glad it's over.
And... I'M WATCHING CRAZY CHRISTMAS!!! With Kyoya and Mr. Sexy 2. ~_^ Whoo! I haven't seen Mr. Sexy 2 for quite a while... Probably this whole week, I've been home->school->home. XD So yeah... I usually only see Mr. Sexy 2 when I stay back in school to study. Or when I'm crashing his dinner date with Kyoya. XD
But overall, this week is... alright I guess... But my stress mode went up to max on Thursday... So my head hasn't quite recover from it yet... @_@ So I suppose I'll be sleeping damn early the next few days. XD
On the Run Again
Sunday, October 23, 2011 10:08 pm
Ugh. I have got to write this out before it drives me insane.
I've been having rather odd dreams for the past few days. One of them was about me test-spraying perfume/cologne/God-Knows-What on Kyoya... O.o Yeah... That was the only WTH moment of that dream that I remember.
There's another one about some monster in some pool somewhere and I remember Fluffy and a few more of my classmates were there. And I think we were being hunted. I forgot. And somehow we organised some clean-up crew to eliminate the monster. Except we couldn't quite find it... And I don't remember the rest anymore...
The most vivid one though, was this... Really odd dream. I woke up both mentally and emotionally tired.
I don't know how it started but I remember my dad was saying something damn hurting and I just slapped him. O.O That, was a WTF moment for me. And by reflex, he hit me back. And I dunno... All I know is that I was feeling damn hurt, angry and sad. And I ran. Away.
And I kept running and running. (P.S. Everyone was either in black or white clothes, for some reason) Then someone in white reached out to grab me. Thinking it was my dad, I turned around and punched the person. O.O!!!
Eh... It was actually some guy I recognised from church. The church guys were mostly in white and I think one was in black. Anyway, The one in black reached out to ask me if everything was ok. And I dunno... It was then I broke down into tears, but yet I didn't want anyone to see me cry, so I ran off again.
And I ran from God-knows-what MRT (Doesn't look like it's from Singapore, yet it looks like it's in Singapore...) And I remember someone (one of the church guys?) chasing me. And the more he chased, the more I ran. I believed I ran more in my dreams than I'll ever run in RL. I ran until I got to some park, when... I don't remember what happened anymore... I can't remember if that person caught me or if I escaped.
Sigh. But the slapping and the punching... Totally took me by shock. I am usually very... non-violent in my dreams. I usually run at first sight of danger actually. So yeah... All I know was that latest dream sent me on another emotional rollercoaster. Zzz.
Houses
Sunday, October 16, 2011 10:14 pm
If your body is gonna be a house to the Lord of all Creation, what kind of house would you be?
And I know all those lovely idealistic Christians would want to be something like a castle, a mansion, some huge grand building for God.
(And as much as I love my two brothers, somehow I can't help but wonder... Are they too idealistic? Or am I too much of a realist? ... Or I have lousy communcation skills... Zzz.)
Personally... I rather be a little crooked house, with a little crooked road, or so the nursery rhyme goes. It's a lot like me, especially in my Christian walk. A little broken, yet not that broken. A little messy, a little ugly, a little of everything.
It's better for me, I suppose, than pretending to live in some atas area, when you're actually part of the slum.
Not that it's bad and all to want to be grand... But... Somehow, I prefer the honesty in the fact that we're all a little broken on the inside, somewhere. Sure, all of us wonderful Christians are taught that we are saved by the blood of the Lamb, and that we are given His grace, mercy, love, blah blah blah.
That does not erase the wounds in us though and healing takes time. And I personally don't believe in people being emotionally healed so quickly, and everything is all rainbows and unicorns the next day. I actually find it quite fake... If you're sad, cry. If you're angry, scream. Don't just bury everything under some happy facade and pretend everything is going to be alright.
That being said... It's what most Christians do anyway... Zzz. Sometimes, I wonder if being honest to myself and my own feelings is considered a curse.
I can't pretend for nuts. So I cannot be what you want me to be. And it doesn't help my emotional side is also developing faster than I can control it. So gone are those days when I can be impartial and not judge and give relatively unbiased opinions and have amazingly high tolerance for idiots, because my stupid emotions will get involved now.
Part of me miss it, the other part embrace it. At least now, I can differentiate myself from some robot clone. Still... I'm not used to it... To feel frustrated, annoyed and irritated so easily, they're actually quite foreign things to me, at least until my second year in Uni. In Year 1, at least they were mild enough for me to bury them still.
But now... Sigh. I have grown... In so many ways. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing... All I know is that, I can't turn back now. So I just have to keep moving forward. Who knows... I might meet You somewhere along the way too.
Time Travelling
Tuesday, October 11, 2011 9:02 pm
I was listening to some of my older tracks on my iPad when I suddenly felt this urge to re-listen to one of my all-time favourites, "Open Up Your Mind", the background track of Saiyuki.
Haha! I read somewhere that this song was actually sung by 2 Singaporeans. =D Anyway, that song has always been a favourite of mine. It brings back lots of fond memories, especially from secondary school.
I would remember having sleepovers and karaoke sessions with my friend (now ex-friend). And how both of us would sing this song together. I even remembered both of us taking turns to sing the verses and stuff. XD It is a really nostalgic sort of feeling, considering how close (emotionally attached) I was to that person at that time. There was also a point in time when I considered her closer than Yuki. So yeah...
Now, I doubt I'll ever be friends with her again. We're... just too different I guess. She sought attention. She wanted to be recognised. To be accepted. I could give her the acceptance she was looking for, but not the attention. So eventually, we drifted, or more specifically, I broke off with her.
So yeah... This song became a bittersweet memory for me. More sweet than bitter though. Because even though she's no longer a friend, I would always treasure all those moments I had shared with her.
This song, for some reason, reminds me of blue skies and treetops. The kind of feeling that you get when you're feeling troubled, then you look at the clear blue sky and you have this feeling that everything will be alright.
Also, this song just inspires me. Even the lyrics itself is very encouraging. And I love this song to bits. XD Haha! When I really love something, I would love it for quite a long time. Haha!
The translation of the song:
Even when it seems that nothing can go right
and you want to just give up,
if you close your eyes,
you can see the world from your heart.
In this world when life can be so tough
You must be strong
Just believe in yourself and don't you fear
So open up your mind and close your eyes
Take another look from the other side
Even on a lonely night,
when you wander afraid,
you may be alone now, but
your feet can take you however far you want to go, so
Just hold on tight, because if you close your eyes,
look inside yourself, there's a shining light there.
Yes, I want you to believe in everything.
You can take another look from the other side
Just hold on tight, even if your heart is breaking.
Reach into your soul, even if you can't see tomorrow.
Yes, if you have the strength to live,
You can take another look from the other side,
until you find all that is love
I wish for you to have the strength
to make it through this world,
so open up your mind,
and you'll be able to see
Just remember you are not alone
So don't you fear
Even though you're miles away
I'm by your side
So open up your mind and close your eyes
I'll be there for you no matter where you are
The stars may live for a long time, but that doesn't mean
that the same days will repeat over and over forever.
No one can see into tomorrow
Just hold on tight, because if you close your eyes,
look inside yourself, you'll feel a heartbeat.
Yes, I want you to believe in the future.
You can take another look from the other side
Just hold on tight, even if your heart is breaking.
Reach into your soul, even if you can't see tomorrow.
Yes, there's another world out there.
You can take another look from the other side,
and you'll be able to find all that is love
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Black and White
Friday, October 07, 2011 8:49 pm
Have I always been wrong? Or are you guys really that... Ugh.
I mean seriously... I really do not understand you... Why are you trying to be what you are not? And it's sooo obviously fake that even I can see it. Because the Bible says you have to be accepting, understanding, loving, etc?
Don't use the Bible as an excuse please.
First of all, you are trying to be accepting. There is a difference between trying and being. And all it ends up is giving people this feeling that is very fake.
Besides, with you inputting all your Christian stuff, what part of you is being accepting? You're just trying to enforce your Christian ideals onto others who do not agree with you.
And being understanding? You can't even understand me, a fellow Christian. What more of understanding other people, other non-Christians? Or is your idea of understanding is to make sure the other party thinks like you for you to understand them?
I know what the Bible says. You don't have to tell them to me. I also know what are the Christian stand are on many issues. So just because I don't agree with them means you have to convince me that my way is wrong and yours is right?
Sorry, but the world isn't so black and white.
Ugh. And then you conclude that you want to be my friend and help me grow in my character. Grow? Or manipulate? You have no idea how close I was to snapping at you. For the love of God, you want to argue your stand, at least make logical arguments.
Yeah... Agreeing that us humans are sexual beings and then saying that we cannot have sexual thoughts make sooo much sense. -_-
Saying you understand... Ha. If you do understand, you would not be saying what you said.
But I'll be nice and give you credit. At least you tried.
Still... Don't expect me to be that nice... You want to be my friend? Personally, (no offence) you're not the kind of person I would want to befriend. You would just drain me. Seriously.
Still, if you want to be insistent, then all you'll be is a friend in name only. Sorry. I pick my friends very carefully.
I cannot stand facades, masks and other fake images. You... are oozing fakeness all over. And I can't stand it. Why? Because you have an image to uphold? If you want to uphold your image so much, take it somewhere else. Or at least improve your faking skills. Yours is so obvious, it makes me cringe.
By the way, it gives me great pleasure to watch you squirm when talking about grey areas on sexuality in Christianity. Sorry. But I am not so thou-art-holy, and honestly, your attempt to be my mentor/leader is... Blargh.
To me, a leader needs strength in character. I know I need to be stronger, and I am not all that strong, but you. I can so easily overwhelm you that it's disgusting.
For God's sake, grow a spine and make your own decisions and judgements instead of just agreeing with everything Christians preach about. I've heard it all, and it just sounds like some broken recorder.
And trying to psycho-analyse me on why I don't trust Christians is a bit retarded. Must I trust all Christians? Just because you are a Christians means I can let my guard down? Sorry. You have to prove yourself trustworthy first.
I am an accepting person. But I don't offer my trust that readily. Doesn't mean that I have some childhood trauma about Christians or that because when I was younger I wasn't accepted by Christians, or I have some resentment towards Christians, etc. I am just not that stupid to trust everyone that calls themselves Christian. After all, you're just as human as I am. Why should I trust you so readily?
Ugh. Sometimes, I really wonder... Am I really completely wrong about Christianity and Christians... Or are you guys really that screwed up? ARGH.
Stories
Saturday, October 01, 2011 11:08 pm
I realise something... Many of the stories I used to love reading, I now can't quite stand reading it. I suppose the immaturity of the content could be the issue... The other issue is probably my own maturity growth.
I used to be able to... swing both ways, so to speak. (Dear God, that sounds sooo wrong...) But now, it's on a one-track road to the other end...
Hm... I suppose it's a good thing... In a sense... In another sense, I'd be able to talk to even LESS people compared to before... After all, talking to a bunch of idiots makes you want to snap at them... But you can't.
But yeah... I've had my fanfiction.net account for a longer time compared to my fictionpress account. And let me say, some of the fanfictions I used to read are really... ... Let's just say it makes me go "OMG. I can't believe I used to read this!"
Yeah. Interesting growth tracker, but somehow it works...
My fictionpress account also has some stories that... make me cringe. Of course, there are some silly, senseless romance stories inside, which I do read... When I'm highly stressed. And others... I doubt I'll ever touch them again.
Of course, this also means the ability to empathise with certain characters are also diminishing. I mean... If the character I'm reading is more... panicky and less understanding, I'd have difficulty understanding that character. And of course, when that leads to trouble, I'd go "Serve you right" while the softer side of me goes "Ooo. Ouch." Haha! There was a time when that softer side of me dominated my personality. Meaning regardless of whether you deserve it or not, I'd sympathise with you.
Now... Well... I'd still sympathise... (I'm not that mean...) but the other side will pre-dominate my thoughts.
This also means more parts of my personality is FINALLY stabilising. XD Haha! It's a little hard to define yourself sometimes, especially when you're still discovering parts of you that you never knew you had...
Though I don't think that this year will be the end of it... If any, I think when I go over to China, my personality will go through another Loop-De-Doo. Yay. Different environments switch my defense modes around. Overseas... Does something real odd to my defense mechanisms in a sense that I become really restless. And it shows through my personality too. Like I'd be snappier, and fiercer. And more impulsive... (Dear God, save me)
Or at least, that's what Aus did to me... I don't know if China will do the same... Hong Kong was too short a period of time to find out... Though I could tell I was somewhere there too...
Kyoya is still my comfort zone, though. Haha!
Handwriting
12:21 am
J uses judgment to make decisions. She is ruled by her head, not her heart. She is a cool, collected person who is usually unexpressive emotionally. Some may see her as unemotional. She does have emotions but has no need to express them. She is withdrawn into herself and enjoys being alone.
The circumstances when J does express emotions include: extreme anger, extreme passion, and tremendous stress. If someone gets her mad enough to tell her off, she will not be sorry about it later. She puts a mark in her mind when someone angers her. She keeps track of these marks and when she hits that last mark she will let them know they have gone too far. She is ruled somewhat by self-interest. All her conclusions are made without outside emotional influence. She is very level-headed and will remain calm in an emergency situation. In a situation where other people might get hysterical, she has poise.
J will work more efficiently if given space and time to be alone. She would rather not be surrounded by people constantly. In a relationship, she will show her love by the things she does rather than by the things she says. Saying "I love you" is not a needed routine because she feels her mate should already know. The only exception to this is if she has logically concluded that it is best for her mate to hear her express her love verbally.
J is not subject to emotional appeals. If someone is selling a product to her, they will need to present only the facts. They should present them from a standpoint of her sound judgment. She will not be taken in by an emotional story about someone else. She will meet emergencies without getting hysterical and she will always ask "Is this best for me?"
People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, J doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.
J will demand respect and will expect others to treat her with honor and dignity. J believes in her ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. She has a lot of pride.
J is not facing something going on in her life today. She is deceiving herself about it. Often, J's opinion of herself is different than those around her. This trait gives J the ability to deny anything that does not agree with her "truth." This trait is not always something negative. It is only a defense mechanism allowing J not to face some reality in her life at this time.
According to the inputted data, J has a stinger shape inside the oval of her a, d, or c. This might be hard to visualize, but if this little hooklike shape is present, then J has an unresolved "issue" with strong members of the opposite gender. An occasional appearance of this stroke could indicate a simple "loves a mental challenge" which can manifest in playful linguistic conversations and being attracted to a lover who isn't always available. However, if the stroke is severe, this means the individual has unresolved anger at the oppostive gender - which usually started with the person's childhood relationship with the opposite gender parent (Mom or Dad). If the writer is a woman she will be attracted to strong challenging men. If the writer is a man, he will find the woman who is "hard to get" the most attractive. In a nutshell, people with stingers in their writing tend to have challenges in their romantic relationships.
For more information about this "stinger" trait, visit this webpage. Remember, it is only negative if the traits occurs often and is quite pronounced. An occasional stinger can be no problem.
In reference to J's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When J slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.
She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. J can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.
J's true self-image is unreasonably low. Someone once told J that she wasn't a great and beautiful person, and she believed them. J also has a fear that she might fail if she takes large risks. Therefore she resists setting her goals too high, risking failure. She doesn't have the internal confidence that frees her to take risks and chance failure. J is capable of accomplishing much more than she is presently achieving. All this relates to her self-esteem. J's self-concept is artificially low. J will stay in a bad situation much too long... why? Because she is afraid that if she makes a change, it might get worse. It is hard for J to plan too far into the future. She kind of takes things on a day to day basis. She may tell you her dreams but she is living in today, with a fear of making a change. No matter how loud she speaks, look at her actions. This is perhaps the biggest single barrier to happiness people not believing in and loving themselves. J is an example of someone living with a low self-image, because their innate self-confidence was broken.
J has a very unusual lower zone y loop. If the data input is correct, J's y or g is large and has triangle shape to the lower loop. This is not a common trait, but the implications are very interesting. As you begin to study handwriting analysis, you will learn any loop indicates imagination. This lower loop indicates the amount of imagination J has regarding sex and physical things. Her lower zone stroke is large, so her sexual imagination is large and open. Furthermore, because the loop has a triangle shape, this indicates a particular curiosity with certain aspects of sexuality. In a nutshell, J is open to some very new ideas sexually and is willing to try anything once. I'd say J is quite a dynamic and playful lover. Watch out world!
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This is my handwriting analysis. Hm... Quite interesting, no? XD
I got it from this website:
http://www.handwritingwizard.com/It has some free analysis of your handwriting and stuff. XD Dunno how accurate it is though. XD I know the self-esteem part is not quite true. It probably would be true a couple of years ago, but I don't quite think so anymore... (I hope...)
Haha! And I like my loopy y and g! XDDD Their analysis for that is quite amusing. Hahaha!
Yes, I am dead bored. My brain is suddenly at a loss cos of the suddent lull in things to think about. And I'm not particularly eager to jumpstart studying again...
My... 14 hours of sleep yesterday was THE BEST ever! Haha! First time in a long long while I was asleep more than I was awake.
And I'm going to sleep again! Whoo! The small things we take for granted... Sigh.
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