Today's sermon is on making a stand. I know it's basic knowledge that we have to make up our minds on things, and to draw boundaries when necessary... But sometimes... I think it is these things when I'm struggling with, which is why I constantly seem to contradict myself (as Kyoya often complains. XD)

I suppose there are certain stands I should make before I continue exploring life itself, lest I get myself stuck between a rock and a hard place... XD Which happened a few times before due to my naivety and my failure to consider the implications of my actions...

I suppose I should make up my mind to do these certain things:

First, I should stop being so agreeable... (Especially to Kyoya.)
But I suppose... It's a dumb reason to keep agreeing with him... But... I guess... Of all the friendships I've made so far, I'm most afraid to lose his... So I suppose it has become a sort of reflex action... That I would pretty much not disagree with most of the things he says. Zzz. Or at least, I would not disagree until I give it some thought. Which is usually in the dead of the night, when the conversation is LONG over. And I would have more or less forgotten the conversation the next day, so... =P

It's pretty much the same thing with Fran. Sigh. I never had the heart to tell her that I disapprove of many of her actions... And I know that should I disapprove, Fran will just lie just to console me... SIGH.

I should stop jumping into frying pans and fires.
You could say it's because I'm naive or because I want to give idiots the benefit of the doubt, but I keep putting myself into situations where I'm quite figuratively caught between a frying pan with hot oil, and the fire outside.

It usually starts out with the inability to reject others, which is akin to putting one foot in the grave. And I tend to dig myself a hole thereafter. I need to learn how to consider what the hell I'm putting myself into before I go and dig a grave for myself...

Amusingly, my brothers consider me mature (though I doubt my dear BMS friends ever saw much of that side of me), while my mom says that I'm mature at certain times on certain days, and just pure naive (*coughstupidcough*) on others. XDDD

I should stop conforming.
Maybe I should clear this up, especially with all my BMS friends. Personally, I never denied being female. I just think being a male is better, cause everyone comments on it. XD For most of my life, only my grandma insist I am very much female. As for pretty much everyone else I know, I have always been a tomboy to them.

It's only recently that my mom became more... supportive of me being more feminine.

And I suppose... Since the whole world seems to think I'm boyish... I conformed to the idea of it... Zzz. Sigh. And when I was younger, I was so proud that I do not conform like most of the people in my school... But somehow, as I grew up, that pride turned to a need for acceptance, and I conformed... -_-

Anyway, to clear things up, I have no objections to being female... But I suppose, like my dear Inume, I would never consider myself to be someone "girly" either. ... I don't suppose any of you would consider this as "gender identity crisis", would you?

My religion is my own.
I don't care what YOUR views on MY religion are. Just know that my religion is something I hold really dear to my heart.

Unlike most Christians nowadays, I have issues with sharing about God. It's like... Someone asking you to share something you really really REALLY love a lot... -_- And to a whole bunch of people who don't quite know how to appreciate it. So yeah...

XD And sometimes, when Kyoya disapprove of religion (in general), my reflex action kicks in, and after I realise what I had been agreeing to, I feel like kicking myself in the ass. XD I am really an idiot.

-----------------------------------------------

On a side note, I doubt I'd be able to do all of these instantly. (I'd be God if I did.) Though I would do my best to keep them. And yeah... They're tough to keep (to me). After all, I spent most of my life like My Darling in BMS.

And to venture out from having a mugger lifestyle to someone who wants to explore what life can offer, I'd say it's one heck of a leap, going from blur like hell to trying to have as much insight to life as Kyoya (which is impossible by my standards).

I will stumble along the way, and I will make a hell lot of errors and mistakes and contradictions and chaos in general, but at least I still have... 2-3 more years to experiment around with my life. Once I go out to work, it's gonna be pretty much worse. XD

Back to the present?

Today, I had family reunion dinner with my family. And I learned amazing things about my family history that i never quite knew before...

For one, my great-grandfather was a brigade general, and the second-in-command to Sun Zhong Shan. O.o I never knew my family was that high-ranking in the military... My great grandfather also command the whole of the chinese military in Singapore before WWII began too... My dad said his story is actually recorded somewhere in the some Southeast Asia History place... As he gave some sort of an interview.

He hid the pair of guns he used to protect Sun Zhong Shan somewhere in the walls of the house he lived in, and there was a police case on it. XD Apparently, by right, it should belong to us... But we never claimed it because it was illegal...

There was also lots of attacks and slaughtering of his family, so he came over to Singapore to hide and marry, and settle down and stuff... He also changed his name to Lee Mun Hee... And my grandpa can't recall his original name anymore...

From what I remember of the convo, He became the principal of a school and the co-founder of St. John's in Singapore. While he was captured during WWII, he was released, and led a relatively good life during that time, because his medic skills were highly prized. No wonder my grandpa had not much idea on the horrors of the war...

Also, I learned that my family is actually Hakka. But since no one, not even my grandpa, was taught anything in Hakka, so we ended up being Cantonese instead. XDDD

I am proud to be a part of this family. =^^= Sure, we're all quirky and weird (even for me), with more than a few screws loose, but we're all AWESOME people. ^-^ And I'm really happy to see all of them again.

Back to the present?

Tired. Tired. HAPPY. Tired.

My feet are killing me. XD But the CSI was awesome!! We got 3 crime scene investigations so we did each one at a time. We were so awesome, we completed the whole thing in 45 mins, instead of 60 mins. XD

And I have a diploma in CSI now! XDDD So ridiculous. Hahaha!

And playing around with CSI just makes me wanna take forensic science even more. =^^=

And I bought about... 4 more puzzles to build... ^^"

THEY WERE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. HOW COULD I SAY NO?!?! * I have a feeling Kyoya is sighing and shaking his head*

Anyway, I also bought a bag from the CSI Investigation. $50!!! That's like, exhortion in a legal manner!!! But I wanted a souvenir... So... Zzz...

I am both dreading and hoping for tomorrow... 6.30pm end school!!! Ugh. Have cell meeting AFTER THAT. UGH. I want to watch Hall 14 cheerleading. So I'm staying back even later. UGHHHH. Meaning I have to crash Jazz' hall (It's actually BMS(J) but I kinda like spelling the nickname as Jazz instead of Jas. ^^" Looks cooler too!)

But... I have immuno LAB tomorrow!!! WHOO!!! That's a MAJOR plus for me. =^^=

But for tomorrow... I think I should sleep early... XD Otherwise, I'll die tomorrow...

Back to the present?

I am reading fangji. And I don't understand a word... ;_;

------------------------------------------------------------

KHR Meme

1. How far have you read in Katekyo Hitman Reborn!?
Until the latest chapter. Duh. It's at its most epic fight scene now.

2. What made you decide to start reading/watching Katekyo Hitman Reborn!?
It was because of Inume actually... She was bugging me to go check Mukuro out. But I end up in love with Hibari.

3. Of what you've seen so far, what's the best scene in the series?
All of Hibari's fights. (In case you can't sense any biasedness here...)

4. Who is your favorite character? Why?
Hibari. DUH. He's totally awesome!! And he fights epically. (is that a word?) =/ I'm a sucker for good fighters...

5. Are there other characters you love? What do you love about them?
Gokudera. Cause he's sooo cute! There is just something about his idiocity that's plain adorable.
And due to Inume, I have to admit Mukuro is quite cool too...

6. What's your favorite pairing? Why? (it's OK to just say CUZ IT'S HOTTTTT)
Tsuna and Kyoko. I'm all for Canon pairings in the manga. XD

7. Are there other pairings you'd like to recommend?
XS. Cause I'm sadistic. And Xanxus and Squalo are the total BDSM kind of pairing. XDDD

8. Which character(s) would you want to have as an older brother?
BEL!!! Then I'll be a princess. ~_^

9. Which character(s) would you want to have as a younger brother?
NOT LAMBO. Eh... Yamamoto I guess... He's bully-able...

10. Which character(s) do you think you'd be good friends with?
Gokudera. Hibari. Xanxus. I'm fantasizing, of course.

11. Which characters do you think you'd have an argument with?
Squalo. Xanxus. Gokudera. And any other hot-tempered people in KHR.

12. Which character would you want for your boyfriend/girlfriend?
HIBARI.

13. Which character would you expect to have a secret crush on you (not the same as the boyfriend question)?
Gokudera.

14. If you were dating that person from the earlier question there, which character would be jealous of you?
I don't know about any characters... But if I were dating Hibari, his fanclub will kill me...

15. Which character would be the best to have around in the event of Armageddon? Why?
HIBARI. Dude, he's THE best fighter in the whole KHR. And the most possessive one too... ^^" He's the safest person I would know during Armageddon.

16. Which character from Katekyo Hitman Reborn! would you think might end up with the nickname "Sparky"?
Lambo... he controls lightning. Though I may call Gokudera that too. Since he's quite flashy in battle.

17. Of all the male characters, which one is most likely to be wearing women's underpants on any given day?
Mukuro. Seriously, he looks gay enough... (And Inume will be murdering me soon...) That, and no one would dare to comment on it if it's him. ~_^

18. Which character probably has a pop idol poster on their bedroom wall or on the inside closet door and kisses it every day before leaving for school?
Haru... And Kyoko, I think. For Hibari, it won't be a pop idol poster... It'll be a picture of school itself... -_-

19. If doing the shopping for his/her parents, which character is most likely to return with nothing but products that are orange?
Chrome. Cause she's cute that way.

20. Which character(s) is most likely to be transported to an alternate dimension because he/she is the only one with the power to save the universe? Describe his/her magical girl outfit.
Tsuna. He's the main character. And he can never seem to die...
To me, his outfit would be a neon orange hoodie, with jeans and sneakers. To me, superheroes should not stand out so much. It's like putting a huge sign on your body saying "TARGET ME"...

Back to the present?

OMG. My new chinese teacher damn scary... First thing he said to me was "WHY ARE YOU USING THAT TEXTBOOK" in a very accusing voice.

I stun.

I swear, he scared the daylights out of me... Zzz... I still have a phobia of fierce teachers it seems...

Still... I guess he isn't too bad... He was really entertaining once lessons begin. I'm just scared that I'll screw up this mod... After all, my other mods didn't do that well, and this mod is a combi of them all... I'm beginning to think my goal of a B is idealistic... But until I try, I won't know the results...

And now I'm stuck with an odd feeling... Like my optimistic side and my pessimistic side is battling to see who is correct... -_-

Ah well... Only time will tell for this one... Zzz... I'm just really REALLY glad to have my friends (supporters) who are willing to help me out if I need it... XD

Immunology is DAMN fun!!! The teacher is soooo cute!! =333 Cute, as in, personality-wise I mean... She's really funny, and her mumbling, if they can be heard over the mic, is actually hilarious! AHHH!!! Mr. Owen Tan got me interested in Immuno... And she's fueling the fire. Haha!

Ooo. And there is Immuno lab this week! Somehow, I think this sem will be really fun. But whether I can do well is a different matter altogether...

-------------------------------------------------------

Somehow, I'm starting school on a bad note (I mean seriously... Which idiot goes to school at 8am for a 2.30pm lesson... -_-) and I'm already seeing the future of my chinese going down the drain, and yet, I have my excitement to learn immuno... Zzz... In conclusion, this sem will be another chaotic, emotional ride... That, or I'm becoming bi-polar... >.>

Back to the present?

Just realised I have yet to post about my results. XD

I HAVE REACHED MY TARGET SCORE!!! WHOO!!!!!!!!

Basically, my goal was to score a min. C for all my mods in chinese. And english ones... I can heck care about them...

And to my delight, my results showed I score about B- for all my chinese mods!!! WHOO!!! Though my GPA still remains around 2.9. After all, there's not much difference between 3.0 and 2.9 anyway. ^^"

And my goal for next sem: min. B for all my chinese mods... XD

I think I'll be killing myself with this target... Anyway, looks like a looooong way to go. And I have more time to study (I think...) So I have to really work damn hard this sem. XD

Sigh... To meet my goals... Personally, I think it's impossible... Then again, I thought it was impossible to get pass a C for my grades, and here I am, with B- for chinese. So what the hell. XD It just means I need to work smarter and not just work harder. ^^

Back to the present?

Today, I've been cycling for... 10 hrs...

I wanna die... Zzz

Cycled from 11am to 9pm...

From my house, to tampines, to changi village, to east coast, to bedok, and finally back to home again.

@_@ My arms ached, my body ached, my legs ached, etc.

But all in all, it was really fun!

I cycled with A and WK. And we had some HTHT moments. XD And I found out that A liked me because he thought that I was quiet. Would someone correct him? XDDD

And we joked, talked, eat, cycle; repeat process.

Haha! I really didn't know WK cycled! I'm serious! He's like... As fair as BMS(HN), and generally acted like some scholar. XD Didn't know there was this more sporty side of him as well. =/

Of course, during the whole trip, WK and I whined about our butts. We were damn sore after... God-knows-how-many hours of cycling. A didn't have any butt aches, cause he's cycling some sort of bike that always him to lie down (almost) and cycle with the pedals in front of him instead of under him. So he doesn't get any butt aches.

Then, at the end of it, when we all came back to my house, and watched "Drag Me to Hell". It was more comedy than horror, because everything was so cliche it was ridiculous.

Anyway, I'm tired. And I wanna sleep. Night all!

Back to the present?

Usually, I thought I'm not one who wears a mask. I suck at pretending, if it isn't obvious to those around me...

But apparently, after today's sermon... I was thinking about what the pastor said about dreams and facades, and I came to the realisation that I do have a mask.

A smiling, laughing one, it seems...

I always pretend what people say doesn't hurt me at all. Sometimes they do, but what can I do but bounce them off...

The pastor also said something about all of us needing someone they can confide in. A special sort of best friend, I guess... Personally... I'm still looking for that person... My life... Well... It's a little divided... I have yet to find someone whom I can pour out problems from all parts of my life to...

For my school friends, I can pour out most problems, except I can't quite talk to them about Christianity and stuff... I doubt they would really understand why I do the things I do... =/

And for my Christian friends... I generally talk to them mainly about Christian stuff... I mean, they are great people and all, but I do not trust anyone NOT to judge.

And I guess that what I'm basically looking for. Someone I can confide in, someone who WON'T JUDGE, who won't criticise, who understands. By my standards, I am skeptical if that person even exist...

As for myself... I can't say I always understand, and while I can say I don't judge much, I can't say I never judge. I'm human after all... XD

I guess... I'm looking for someone who won't judge ME. And for some reason, I don't trust most of the people I know not to judge me... I have long learned that I'm... Not like everyone else... XD The pastor mentioned that most children don't wear masks, or at least, they haven't learn how to wear it yet. =/

If that's the case, I'm really the odd one out, and people are just nice to me for the sake of politeness. XD Or ulterior motives... =/

Hm... Now that I think back about it... Even as a child, I always had lots of walls. Not masks per say, but very defensive of myself. And I am the brooding sort by nature. XD Even if I don't quite appear like it.

I'm not as strong as I appear to be. Never was... I remember before my 草药 mid-term exam, Kyoya sat down with me to go through some of the 草药. I dunno if I mentioned it before, but I was damn happy he was there... Even when he left for a short while (to buy food), I was so damn close to a breakdown, because I was really REALLY panicking and struggling with that stupid mod... I swear, if he took any longer that time... I would have just dissolve into tears before he returned...

The interesting thing is... I think my mask is sort of double-edged. I wasn't pretending to be happy around my friends, or pretending not to be hurt when people judge me... I really don't know about my own feelings until the day is over.

I guess the only time I ever let my guard down and take my mask off, is during the night, when I am alone, on my own. Then the whole day's emotional turbulence just crash down on me. And only then would I know how I felt during certain events that happened.

Sometimes, it's not that bad, I just get frustrated by the way I handle things sometimes and often wish I handled certain situations better, and that's about all.

Other times, I would cry myself to sleep, or become all "emo" to myself in the dead of the night.

The easier ones to predict is when I get frustrated over my chinese, and angry at myself I guess... Truthfully, I entered my course by faith, so I have no idea what I was getting myself into. But I don't intend to quit anytime soon... Not until I see this course all the way to the end, or die trying. (Stubbornness is an especially prominent trait when dealing with my course and chinese in general)

Other times which I can remember, is me being all emo over A, as well as conflicted as to what to do. (Btw, I have decided to remain as his friend, though where that will take me I have no idea. But I have a rough idea that the road is a tough and painful one...)

I remember crying for Kyoya over New Year. I doubt he has the capability to cry over his problem anymore... And I know it's a waste of tears... But somehow... I felt really sad for him. (And no, Kyoya, it's not your fault, just my own sensitivities)

And yes, I do cry over stories too. -_-

Other events that bothers me quite a bit, especially when I had an outing with DK, and JW and the others were laughing and teasing me about what I had watched on National Geog... When Kyoya teases (hm.. is tease the right word??? =X) about me, at least I'm ok with it. But for some reason, when JW does it, it sounds... I dunno... insulting to me... The way he does it just brings back bad memories I had... Memories I wish I could forget but I can't.

Sigh... Personally, I understand why DK(SH) cried during FOC... Cause I guess... I'm like her too. But I know those people don't mean what they say, and their intention was not to hurt me... Doesn't lessen the pain, but I know how to grin and bear with it. It's what I'm best at doing nowadays.

I also realised I have trust issues... I suppose it's because I'm cautious over who I give my trust to...

I also wish I were more confident, more open, yet another part of me can't stand the idea of opening more target points for people to arrow and shoot me... -_-

Zzz!

Back to the present?

Anyone would like to join me in the assassination of the chancellor in Saijou no Meii? >=(

*biased towards Mikoto*

Anyway, TODAY I GOT MY GUITAR!!!!! IT IS AWESOME!!!!!

A lovely shade of electric purple and black. ^-^ But the strings are sharper than what I was used to. X( Makes my fingers hurt like hell... Zzz... I swear... The skin's peeling. =(((

So it seems, I need to restart my lessons on guitar, since the sharpness of the strings prevented me from pressing them properly... Owww...

Today's ultimate waste of time: Travelling 1 and a half hrs to school for a 30 min cell culture and travelling 1 and a half hrs back home...

Part of me wonders at the absurdity of it all... And I didn't even do the cell culture today even.. =( BMS(JY) and BMS(XY) both didn't get the chance to perform the whole procedure, while I have finished both parts... So in the end, I let them do instead. Zzz... Really waste of my time... =.=

Anyway, tmr have to do canvassing. Zzz! Times like these, I wish the world would just erase all forms of humanity in the area... I mean... I don't mind doing all those collections and surveys... But I really dislike (*HATE*) the interactions with people... I really dislike dealing with what I cannot control... And sadly, God didn't grant me any mind-controlling abilities (Ooo! Can you imagine the possibilities of those abilities???!)

Anyway, have to be at pioneer mrt by 8.30AM. Zzz. And now, a part of me really wonders what the hell went through my head when I agreed to help out...

On a random note, I found those pens that Kyoya use, in 20 different colours!! ^-^ Obviously, I bought them.. XD Haha! Of all things to buy... XD I like to collect all those colours... ^^" And I suppose I could use them... ... I suppose... I guess... Maybe... ~_^

Back to the present?

Zzz... Reading the feeds on FB now makes me miss cheerleading more than ever...

A part of me really wish I have the time to go for cheerleading... And another part just reminds me that Time Turners are not invented... -_-

I don't have hall anymore... So unless I squat or something, I don't even think I have the time to watch them practise anymore... SIGH...

And I really miss the guys...

I only can think of one time I can crash the practice, and that's on thursday, first week of school... Hm... Maybe I should...

XD And I suppose I can try to crash my friend's hall on the 7 or 8 feb...Then I can watch the HO too. ^-^

Haha! Cheerleading's probably the only sport that I've thoroughly enjoyed the practices and hanging out with the people... XD Wushu... I liked the practices, but not the people. Dance, I liked neither... -_- But cheerleading... XD I miss everyone there. I really do...

The sad part is... If I do join cheerleading still, I'm afraid my grades will drop to rock bottom... It's already 2.9... If it drops any lower, I don't think I'll be able to pull my grades up anymore... And it's not that I don't study... I do. I just don't like to study in front of everyone else...

Sigh... Can't wait to see everyone again...

Back to the present?

This week has been interesting, tiring, exciting, insane and just a whole bunch of adjectives added together...

The sem break lab sessions have been quite fun so far. HS is really cute and funny and it's always very interesting to watch her perform the Western Blotting and Cell Culture.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna be doing the Cell Culture hands-on! WhoO!!!

So far, the labs have been on everyday. But once HS leaves for her CNY break, we only need to go there on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, to ensure that the cells are still alive and to look after them. XD It's really like having a pet in lab.

And in between meeting Ivan for outings (cause I was feeling boxed in at home...), and going for my GRAND-uncle's (as my parents lovingly corrected) wedding, and meeting my cousins, etc... @_@ It's been hectic definitely. But fun too!

The wedding is... nice I suppose... To be on the meaner side... XD For the wedding photos, since they can't make my grand-uncle look younger, they made the wife look older... XDDD But that's just my opinion... ^^"

The food there was AWESOME. But I think the highlight of it all is seeing my brothers get high on alcohol. Really! The most random things exit their mouths when they're high/drunk. XDDD The best part? Watching them "dance" to "I've Gotta Feeling" by Black Eye Peas at the end of the wedding. XDDD Inume and I couldn't stop laughing!

------------------------------------------------------------

Sigh... It's still hard talking to A and J as friends... Zzz... I'm still human, it seems. A part of me wishes I can just shut down my feelings... But I've been there, done that; and I have to say, it's better to feel than not feel at all... At least, that's for me...

Because after a while, when you have forgotten how to feel, you'll just begin a long lonely path to depression... For me.

Anyway... Right now... For now, I can at least convince myself to forget it... But it's harder to do such things when you are talking or around said person... SIGH.

I wanna read more horror stories... They help me forget better....

Back to the present?

Reading Bloody Monday Season 1 and 2. @_@ My head's spinning already...

But it's a really good story about terrorism, hacking and all sorts of battles. From literal ones, to virtual ones.

And I recently realised something about most of the stories I read... (Yes, I'm slow)

The stories I like tend to have a theme of "protection" in it. A character that protects. That type of story, I like.

And I hate stories that revolve around revenge... Regardless of how good the storyline is. Stories like Deadman Wonderland, Skip Beat, etc. I can't stand them. Even though the stories are really interesting...

Sigh... Head throbbing... @_@ Serves me right... For doing such intense reading... Rushing through God-knows-how-many chapters within such a short span of time... Haha!

Within 6 hrs(?), I've finished the whole of Bloody Monday Season 1, and about half of Bloody Monday Season 2... No wonder my head feels like dying...

Back to the present?

This is a song dedication for Kyoya:



I know... It's a Christian song, and you aren't Christian, but just wanna share this with you, during this season. ^^

This is my comfort song! Haha! Basically, it's about a persona's cry out to God, and the chorus is His reply.

--------------------------------------

Other random facts about Skillet and me:

When I first heard Skillet's song, "Whispers in the Dark", at that time, I had no idea they were a Christian rock band, but I thought that the song "Whispers in the Dark" was THE most romantic song I've ever heard. (I still do think so, btw)

Then came "Rebirthing" and "Comatose". I liked "Comatose" because the song started out anchored with violins. It added a very classy touch to their rockish songs.

It is only after that, then I learnt that Skillet is a Christian rock band, because their lyrics, while ambiguous, makes more sense when viewed in a Christian context.

Of course, after that, I fell in love with "Awake and Alive" (because of Jen's voice), "One Day Too Late" and "Hero". But the ones that always capture my heart are the more ballad-like ones, like "The Last Night" and "Would It Matter". And John's rockish voice puts a very sad tinge to those songs too.

So yeah... The summary of Skillet and me. XD

Though most prefer the other songs like "Monster", I don't... "Monster" is just... I just don't empathize with the band for this song. I'm a sinner, yes, but I won't so go far as to call myself a monster.

And of course, since I'm trying to learn how to play the guitar now, "Would It Matter" is one of the songs I would like to play, hopefully, within this month. Play and sing, that is. I think I play better while singing... =/ Cause the singing helps with the strumming. (Stupid thing)

-----------------------------------------------

Anyway Kyoya! GANBATTE!!!

Back to the present?

1) LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE GUITAR.

2) Be slow to judge, be quick to understand

3) To score B for my chinese mods! (Another impossible feat)

4) Be stronger. Be more courageous.

5) Patience. (I think I'll fail this one within January itself... ^^")

Back to the present?