Zzz... Day 1 and I'm dying already. I would also like to congratulate the wonderful genius who told teacher that we didn't need a break and also to smash myself over the head for not requesting for said break. Zzz!!! 3 hours of non-stop chinese lecture is no joke! I swear my brain dropped out somewhere along the way... XP

But this particular mod is quite interesting to me. I did read a little about it during the holidays (actually I only read the intro), but so far, the lecture is more interesting than reading about it. Helps that the teacher also has a sense of humour. XD

Yes, I was restless, but most amusing to me was that BMS(E) is being crappier (is there such a word? O.o) than he usually is. XD Must be still in the holiday mood. XP The parts I really dislike the most is the part with all the historical texts... I don't care where they are found, personally... But it's an exam-able part... so... Grrr...

All the Y1 freshies complaining about add/drop now... XD haha! They are quite cute~ XD Then again, if u only have 8 AUs worth of mods, you'd be complaining about the waste of time too... XD

Zzz... My resolution to study chinese today is flushed down the drain the moment I touched my sexy little computer~ Oh man... I'm gonna die at this rate... XP

And I missed cheerleading too... =( I was really too tired... Awww...

And I found out today that ZH knows BMS(E)... XD Talk about a small world!! Apparently both of them were friends during JC. XD Haha! I am too tired to laugh now, even... Zzz...

Sleep... I desire thee... So night all!

Back to the present?

Zzz... Sch starts tmr and I am NOT looking forward to it... Zzz... How can I look forward to 4 hours of lecture in the morning!!! WITH NOT BREAK!!! ARGH!!!

Looking at my timetable just makes me sadder at the stupid reality of it all... Zzz... Learning was supposed to be fun... But somehow... My course has the amazing ability to suck out all the fun in the subjects... =.=

On the plus side, I get to see BMS(I), BMS(E) and BMS(N) on a daily basis now... ^-^ And cheerleading is back on! Yay!

...

Looking on the bright side doesn't quite help with the down side, not for school at least... ;_;

I believe I'm losing my mind.

Haha! I remember looking through some of my blank books (I have about 18 of them fully blank of various sizes and about 5 of them half-filled) ^^" Oops... Looks like my collection got the better of me... ^^ Anyway, I was looking at one of the half-filled ones, hoping to use it to note down stuff for my Y2 Sem 1. Interestingly, it was my JC's notebook that I chose. XD And I was looking through what I had filled in the book and I saw all sorts of funny things i did... ^^" From writing down important dates and self-appointed homework and stuff, I also saw all my silly doodling and half-assed plans for the future and stories which I wanted to write but never really got around to writing them, etc.

To continue from there... I believe it would be a good start for the semester. To start off at the point before I took a break from studying... Yesh. My Y1 was supposed to be a break from studying for me. Not that I stop studying altogether (Heavens forbid, my grades!!), but to take let studying take a backseat roll for ONCE in my life. And I did learn plenty during my first year in Uni.

I finally found something I actually like to do (Whoo! Cheerleading FTW!!). Or at least, the people there made it enjoyable enough that I actually miss the activity. I found out what it was like to befriend guys (I never really talked to guys before uni... ^^"). I learnt what it actually felt like to be a part of a group. ^-^ My BMS friends really made me feel as if I belonged there... Something... I never felt at all. And I finally learnt to stop wandering off on my own. ^-^

XD My JC friends would comment (if you actually talk to them) that I like to walk off, or wander off on my own without waiting for them... ^^" It is actually a bad habit, now that I think back about it... But for some reason, MJC really reminded me of my primary school and I reacted accordingly...

But here in uni, for the first time in a long while, I actually feel again... ^-^ Emotionally that is... Apparently, I've been shutting out all my emotions since... forever, to the point where I don't really care or feel anymore...

Learning to care, a burdensome problem, but a much needed skill if I wish to "grow up" in the words of YX. I guess I'm still learning... But... XD as P puts it, there is always a fear of knowing how truly naive and immature you are... Because then, you will know exactly how vulnerable you are to the world. And for people like her and me... We don't want to appear weak before anyone... But only those close to us will know how strong we truly are... XD

I guess that's why if anyone asks my brothers if I'm childish or immature, they can't really see it. ^^ Lazy and passive, yes. But not childish. And not really immature either...

Haha! I guess while most families will know your weaknesses best, mine knows my strengths best. ^-^ One of the odder traits of my dear family.

And how... Seeing how the beginning has no link with the ending, I have realised I have digressed far from the original content of this post. Oops. ^^"

Back to the present?

Was reading my dear Inume's story, and having a blast laughing at it. XD She is an awesome writer. =DDD Well... Mainly her stories tend to have characters with certain traits that I look out for. For me to really like a story, there must be strong characters. (Which is also the reason why I really hate Twilight) The story itself should have a certain sense of attitude as well as tongue-in-cheek comments, but not too much that it comes off as bitchy. She is one of the few people who can write bitchy and still make me like it. ^-^ Personally, I don't like bitchy characters. There are few who can pull of confidence and bitchiness with a certain art that I will never understand but really admire. And she can write them. =O I'm jealous.

When I was reading about otakus on her blog, I am deeply reminded of an incident that happened in the beginning of the year. (The first few months at least) In Hall 14 (damn, I can't call it mine any more... ;_;) there is this guy who blades really well. =D And I like to watch him. Apparently, ZH knows him, though I can't remember his name... >.>

We were talking about anime/manga and the like, and apparently, he knows what type of otaku I am. XD He never told me though. =.= But he managed to guess most of the manga types that I like, so I suppose he's right... To a certain extent. Haha! His friend, who was also blading with him at that time, was surprised that I liked anime/manga so much. Of which the first guy laughed and said I was actually VERY normal compared to other otaku girls that he met. ^-^

Whee~! I'm normal! Hahaha!

But I do admit... ^^" most girls who like the same types of manga that I do are way past borderline obssessive with the characters. For me, I tend to see beyond the characters to the themes of the stories itself. Stories that I understand, but not in a way I can put in words. Zzz. If I can, it'll be an on-the-spot moment and I won't be able to repeat it if I tried. =.=

It's like... reading through what the characters have gone through, and understanding their course of action, all the while maintaining an open mind so that I do not judge them. Take Saiyuki, for example, one of the main characters of Reload somehow manages to justify murder in his own way. To him, those whom he killed deserve their death, and in killing them, he can use his ability to bring someone else back to life. He did this without realising his mentor was manipulating him in the background to kill the protagonists in the story.

Of course, I LOVE the protagonists to death... And I tend to be biased against those who tries to kill the protagonists in most of the stories. But the writer of Saiyuki is very talented in the sense that he is able to capture the emotions and thoughts of the bad guy, to the point where you want to hate him, but you can't. This tug-of-war type of feeling is rather inherent in Saiyuki.

What makes a good guy good? And what makes a bad guy bad? Is it their actions? What if they can justify them? Or is it their personalities? Traits that the society deems good, and traits that the society deems bad. One interesting point to note, most of the characters I remember all have certain points that are bad.

From Saiyuki(again), Gojyo smokes and sleeps around, Hakkai tends to shut out problems around him, Sanzo takes his anger out on others.

From Count Cain, Cain is a spoilt brat (literally), and has a superiority complex, Riff has split personalities with hidden agendas that include murder.

From Yami no Matsuei, Tsuzuki behaves like a child (more so than me), Muraki delights in torture and hurting people, etc, etc, etc.

But to me, not all are bad, but not all are evil too. Haha! Actually, I really dislike characters which seem to have only good qualities. Because it is so fake.

Ok. Enough on all the philosophical crap on me. XP Haha! It seems I miss lit more than I thought. =( Anyway, RTC is tonight. I am scared. And worried. And paranoid. But all I can do is trust in God and hope everything turns out ok.

Back to the present?

Zzz... My grandma is awesome... =.= She wanted me to drive her to orchard, so I woke up earlier today, only to realise she changed her mind... =.= Yay.

Speaking of driving, I was just reminded of a near-accident I had... Except the sleepover and RTC sort of made me forget about them... XD Too many things to do to be bothered about it, until now...

I was driving my brother to NAP. Along the expressway, on the first lane, the car in front of me suddenly stopped. The best part: There were no brake lights. So I didn't know the car stopped until I realise the distance between the front car and mine is getting shorter very quickly. O.o I never stepped on the brakes so hard in my life. Doesn't help that it rained just before I drove out, so the road was slippery... >.< THANK GOD. I stopped just before I hit the front car. And I have never been so close to another car in my life... ^^" I have enough accidents with my dad's tailgating tendency... So I tend to keep a distance between the front car and mine... Call it paranoia, but this time, it saved me (and the car). I swear! There was probably only a few inches between the front car and mine, and the back car and mine... And for a full minute, I really dared not move...

Haha! I was still shaken by the time the cars move off and I drove into NAP... The fear that clenched my heart was, and perhaps is, still there.

^^" Haven't really driven the car since... But sooner or later, I'd have to. Zzz... Pray I can relax in the car... That incident really freaked me out...

Back to the present?

Today I sang once more for choir.

And as I looked back to how I first started, I'm amazed at how far I came, and how I kept returning...

It started out due to curiosity. I was wandering around church, and I found this mini group practising singing and joined them and forgot to go home. ^^" My mom found me eventually, and she was sort of surprised to see me in the children's choir. Haha! After that, I spent every time I could spare to go to the choir. Heck, I remembered I even dragged my brothers there. XD It was about the only thing I did without my brothers around me often at that time.

Anyway, by primary 4, I stopped singing, because I wanted to focus on studying... My mom suggested it, and foolish little me obeyed. And I never felt so sad everytime I saw the choir singing on stage.

After that, my secondary school life passed on, drama and all. Throughout secondary school, I was out of Sunday School and was in the youth ministry... And I really wanted to join the back-up singers then... But I was too cowardly to ask... Until J1 that is. Even then, the new leader for the worship ministry was someone I knew, and he knew I wanted to sing, so he kept one spot empty for me. And during that one beautiful year, I sang my heart out. Doesn't help that since I'm a naturally loud person, I keep over-powering the main singer's voice, even though my mike is at about half volume. XD

Of course, not all good things last, so when J2 came, the people in the worship ministry dropped me for fresh blood, saying that I'm too old to sing with them... That would be believeable if they had dropped the others at my age too. So yeah... I got it they didn't want me, and I just left after that I guess... That year, my J2 year, was the worst year of my life... The only highlight of it was that I managed to go to Israel.

So after my A'levels, when my mom dragged us to RiverLife church, the first thing I wanted to join was the choir. I wanted to sing again... And by a miracle, I passed the auditions and got in and here I am today. Haha! Whether I pass the in-training or not is another matter...

Haha! I still have a long way to go...

Back to the present?

Today (Or yesterday) was the sleepover. XD I have to admit, I really miss those idiots. XP And I'm glad that my brothers can talk to them just fine... XD Guess I was worried about nothing after all.

We watched Ju-On Black & White, My Ex, and Liar Liar. We would have watched more, but it was already about 3am by then. XD And BMS(I) needs to go to work early tomorrow morning. XP Haha! Anyway, within minutes, all 3 guys were knocked out on the sofa of our living room. XD Oops. Didn't know they were that tired. I was (am) still high from all the alcohol intake. XD

Haha! In the end, BMS(JY) only had one glass of brandy. (We had OX from Japan!! Whoo~! My mom is AWESOME!!!) And the rest of the half-empty brandy bottle was drunk by BMS(I) and I. XD We mixed it with some pepsi, but I found out that the OX tasted best "on the rocks" as BMS(I) puts it. XP I drank it neat at first, but the fiery taste was a little too much for my senses... XD So in the end, I mixed it.

Haha! And we didn't drink BMS(JY)'s Johnny Walker in the end. =( Awww... But it was Green Label... And my mom insisted that the OX was better (which it is). Haha! We played Tai Ti, and Ugly Dolls as well. XD All in all, it was a really fun evening. Haha!

Part of me wished we could play Jim Rummy, which was an old game my mom taught us, but I guess whatever game that the guys were comfortable with is fine by me. XD Also, my brothers pick up on games quite fast, so I wasn't too worried about them. XP

Haha! It's late now... I hope BMS(I) can wake up for work!! XD If not, I'd have to wake him up... XDDD And I know he's not a morning person...Oh boy...

Back to the present?

Tomorrow~ Tomorrow~ Tomorrow~ Whee!!!

Back to the present?

Yay! The last few touches of RTC is on the way! Today, we went to NTU to meet with a psychology professor who will be sharing his life experience and his experience in Christ at our RTC project. XD It sounds like it's gonna be an interesting evening. ^^

Though, as usual, I'm worried about the things unknown. Whether people will enjoy the programme or not, whether things will go out of hand, whether this, whether that. XP Zzz... Note to self: I must really really learn to trust God. XP Zzz... But trust... Is not something I give easily... =(

And on the way back, it rained like crazy. X( The car skidded a few times... XD THANK GOD I'm still alive after all that skidding, raining and my driving. XP And I am so glad my mom ain't sitting in that car! XD She'll do all the panicking for me... ^^"

But I got everyone back safe. Yeah~! ^-^

Now, I'm sort of worried about the sleepover... XD And tomorrow's picnic... And choir... Wow. I have a lot of events. Well... A lot to me. I'm not so bothered about the picnic and choir though. They will settle themselves... But for the sleepover... Zzz... I have no idea what to expect actually... L and her sister may be coming, PROVIDED her mom allows... (Which I doubt.) And I have no idea about YX... Or what the other guys would think if he wants to join... (Which I have no idea if he's coming or not... =.=) And I also have no idea what the hell will we be doing except for watching horror movies and drinking some alcohol. XP Sam suggested playing pool. XD ARGH!!! I hate uncertainties!!! Then again, it's kinda stupid to have some timeline plan for a sleepover... XP Zzz...

I worry too much. About unnecessary things... But somehow, even if I know this, it doesn't stop the fear, anxiety and nervousness that constantly run through me... I can't stop being worried, unless I really don't give a damn about it... But... Such things... Are my responsibility. I can't not care about it... Hence, the worries. =.= I am so thrilled.

Sigh... With all these concerns buzzing around me... I just wanna cuddle up to my brothers... ;_;

Back to the present?

Yes. I know I'm being taken for a fool. And no, I'm not being childish. I'm being naive. There's a difference. Learn it.

I... just want to believe in the best of others at times. Is it wrong to believe in whatever good that's left in humanity? Contrary to popular beliefs, not all humans are reincarnations of the devil. =.= Sigh... I just want to help. That's all. Zzz. Not my fault that people like to take advantage of me. I knew I should have said no. But if I didn't agree, my grandparents will be left to figure things out themselves. My grandpa just gone through one hell of a surgery and is looking like a skeleton now.

There is no way on Earth am I letting him drive. He's also having other problems as well, and since stubbornness is an apparent genetic trait in our family, he refuses to see the doctor, saying everything is all minor problems. ARGH! How can I not care? You see your grandparent lying sick and looking as if he went through hell and back on the hospital bed and tell me you can just walk out and not care! Even if it's only simple, small things, like driving them around... Since all the bull-headed, idiotic, MALE members of our family are too much of an asshole to even care, what can I do but look after them myself? Or what? Watch them struggle when you know you can help them?

Zzz. So yeah. I'm naive in the sense I actually thought, being their son and all, he would actually leave behind a FULLY FUNCTIONAL car for use, but apparently, even that is too much to ask.

As for Ivan, I know he's mad at me. For breaking my word, mainly. Because he made me promise not to tell F. So that one, I acknowledge that I was in the wrong. Hell, I'm already beating myself over it. I don't care what you think. All friendships, doesn't matter if said friend is one son of a bitch, are important to me. And losing his hurts. I don't need you to rub any more salt in my wound. Thank you very much.

Zzz. Ah hell. I have enough on my plate as it is without being criticized by you as well.

Back to the present?

Today I spent most of the day with my grandparents. Since I did promise my grandpa I'd do something crazy (like cook for him), I decided to fulfill my promise to him today. XD Since with my "awesome" cooking skills, I knew next to nothing in the kitchen and my grandma had to help me... ^^" Basically, I just steamed some fish and boiled some vegetables. ^^"

But that was in the evening.

For my whole day there, it was very peaceful. For once, since I didn't bring any laptop, I didn't really do anything there for the whole afternoon except for sleep and do a little grocery shopping with my grandma. I had long forgotten what it was like. To just do nothing in particular. I sort of expected it to be boring... But... There was a sense of tranquility there that I liked very much.

Haha! And my grandma and I would reminisce my childhood days when I was near inseparable from my grandparents. Those were the days... XD I would have mini adventures in the flat with all my toy soldiers, travelling to places that never existed and causing mini chaos in the house. XD

Sigh... Part of me actually wish I could stay there. For some unknown reason, my grandparents understand me better than my dad ever will... =.= Sigh. Suffering from grandparents' withdrawal symptoms now... ;_;

Zack is now burning up from extreme physical exhaustion. We told him this would happen. But did he listen? No. He didn't. The mean part of me really wish to say "I told you so", but looking at him... Zzz. I don't have the heart to say it. That idiot. Sigh... Go rest you idiot... Zzz... I will be his nagger for the next few days... =.= At least, until he gets well again.

Back to the present?

Somehow... A part of me is afraid to tell F. Because I know, whatever I'm gonna tell her, is gonna break her heart... =( Yet, I also know, if I don't tell her, and the same problem comes back, she's gonna be shattered... Sigh...

Zzz. I'm just gonna have to pray for the right words... And hope to catch her before she breaks.

And my DEAR brother, Zack, is having difficulty sleeping... ZZZ! More of... He's involved in soo many things, he doesn't eat or sleep until the end of the day... Meaning he only eats about 1 meal a day and sleep for 3-4 hours. D< That IDIOT!!! For goodness' sake! REST!!! I don't care how active your mind is. Your eyes are already bloodshot and you look like the living dead! GO REST!!! Sigh... If not, Dad's gonna nag and ban you from various things. =.= And I think you have enough on your plate without being treated like a 5-year-old as well. Zzz!

And I'm tired too. Tomorrow's gonna be a long day. Sigh. Oh well. I'm gonna sleep myself. Night all!

Back to the present?

Today's cell was somewhat different. We focused more on the word of God today. Going a little more in depth about the word of God. And I believe it made some of our cell members a little uncomfortable. As it was something rather new, and to give their opinion on something so unusual like that, they are unable to talk much at all. XD WK and I kinda took up the whole stage as well, discussing and debating over stuff.

Oh, and another guy visited our cell as well. DK, the most eligible bachelor in RiverLife church. XD Personally, to me, he's nothing amazing. A little too serious, if you ask me. He looked as if he bore the world on his shoulders. Though his words are well thought out, I dunno... They seem to lack that factor that sets him apart from others. XD Haha!

Personally, I don't mind having WK as a boyfriend. XD OMG. My days will never be boring around him. XD He's really the crazy sort. But he's crazy in an intellectual sort of way. Which is equally disturbing and interesting... Like dissection sort of interesting, to me anyway. XD Zzz. I need to look for guys around my age and not... >6 years older! XD I am such a sad soul. Hahaha!

Anyway, P was discussing about today's cell with me. I think the only reason why WK and I can talk so much during cell is because, I have the experience before and WK loves such intellectual discussion. XD But for the others, I think it will be uncomfortable for them, so P and I need to think of a way to make them more comfortable. After all, cell, while it is about sharing, is also about the study of God's Word. And I need to find a balance so that the topics do not feel too dry and too difficult to participate or understand. Already, N is having difficulty comprehending what we were discussing about. XD Oops.

RTC is well on its way. We even got a Professor from psychology to help us in our discussion! Yay!

The RTC event is on the 27th August, Friday, from about 6.30pm onwards to about 10pm latest. Professor Douglas Matthews from Psychology will be sharing why he chose Christianity, as well as discussing about the topic of Purpose: Careers and Satisfaction. We haven't thought of a proper title for it yet, but this is pretty much it. There is free food, door gifts and games! And I'm the one planning all these. So do come down to Kembangan to support my efforts! It's at a friend's place, which is about 5 minutes walk from Kembangan MRT. We will guide you there! ^-^ Hope to see you there~!

Back to the present?

Today I went to visit the daughter of my Mom's friend in KK Hospital. XD First time I see sooo many kids in one place. XP

She's very friendly and cheerful. XD And she looks 12, even though she's about 17. Haha! She's a really strong girl... She's... been through a lot. As we talk to her, (we being my mom, Sam and I) we realised she actually carries around a lot of hurts in her heart. She's been hurt in a way I believe BMS(I) would understand best. I have a very loving family, so I cannot say I understand what she is going through, but, when I see her tears and her reluctance to go home... Somehow, my heart goes out to her.

Talking to her is really entertaining. Even though she's in pain, she still laughs and jokes along with us. And seeing all her "battle scars" on her body... I'm amazed. Each scar is the remnant of a surgery, and there is sooo many of them all over her body. It's sad, really...

Sigh... Tears are definitely my weakness... =.= Just seeing her cry makes me want to find some way to help her out... But... As long as her family is like that, even if I try to help, it'll only hurt her more. Zzz...

ARGH!! There's enough already on my mind without all these factors bugging me... >.< I'm just... down these few days... And I'm just accepting all sorts of roles to find a way to escape... Zzz. I'm such an escapee. But one day, my troubles are gonna catch up to me, and I will sink like Titanic. Ole.

Back to the present?

Zzz... I know it shouldn't mean much... But I guess when I realised I was dropped from Ivan's friends list from FB, it still hurts... But I supposed I should have seen it coming... After all, ever since I told F, he stopped talking to me. Sigh...

I guess... The reason why it hurts is because I really considered him a friend. Can't say that I miss him as much as I miss BMS(I) or BMS(E)... Actually, I don't miss him at all. XD But, to know that you have lost a friend is still a painful thing. Especially when you lose it because you did the right thing...

Zzz... Sometimes the right things are really hard to do...

The good news is, at least he and F are back together again... The one really good thing I can say about him is that he can really make F happy. Heck, he can act like a 3 year old in public, whining, mimicking people and just fooling around with her, just so to make her laugh. XD Haha.

Well... As long as she's happy I guess... As for me... I'll learn to let go... Just like all the other times.

Back to the present?

OMG. I'm finally back in Singapore from DE. Not that Malaysia was bad... But... I miss home. Anyway, my 3-day trip to the North has been very interesting. XD Anyway, I wrote this there:

Day 1
To be honest, I went there not really expecting anything. But just after one day, I guess something sort of struck me.

Well... it was a long day. But the hotel is relly nice. ^-^ Just... Missing something... Haha. It's oddly quiet, yet oddly noisy too. Since this is a women's retreat, there are lots of ladies, aunties, moms, single women, etc. Basicall,y FEMALE. And let me assure you, put of bunch of females together and there will never be peace and quiet. XD But for some reason (that I know), it still feels quiet to me. Haha! I guess I'm just missing my brothers. XD Exploring a hotel doesn't quite seem as adventurous without them.. =(

During the second session of sermons today, we were told to renounce all our sins and stuff like that, and of all the words said in the prayer that I said (out loud), the words "I belong to you, Lord" caught my attention the most. Hm... I guess in my walk with God, at some point in time, I kept looking back, even though I was trying to walk forward. And in doing that, I got lost... (Haha. Even spiritually, I have no sense of direction.)

I mean... I know in my head that I am a Christian, I am a child of God, blah blah blah. But somehow, those words just resounded in me, like I was looking for them. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. I don't know. But whatever lesson I learnt, those that resound and stay with me, I'll keep them, until I need them again.

Haha! Today, the worst thing to happen to me was that I burnt my finger, or more specifically, my right index finger. Zzz. Apparently, the kettle does not automatically off when the water boils, so I have to manually shut it off. But, for some unknown reason, the switch on the handle of the kettle was burning hot. X( I only realised this after I pressed the button, hence the burnt finger. Makes writing this (at that time, I was writing this down in a book) painful. Zzz. What the hell... Anyway, hoping for a better tomorrow.

Day 2
Today was a lazy day to wake up. XD M and I slept most of the time away and even then, we were still sleepy. XD

Hm... Today's first session was about forgiveness. At first, I didn't think too much about it. After all, the only person I knew I needed to forgive was my dad. Even now, forgiveness is still hard. Mainly because i can't let go, but I need to.

But during the session, the Holy Spirit impressed more names to mind: SL, YN, YX, Ivan, my teachers, myself, etc.

I need to forgive them for hurting me, whether they realised it or not. Pains and hurts that I have carried in my heart because I am unable to let go. To say "sorry" is so easy, but to truly let go in your heart, to hold no grudges, no anger, no bitterness, no resentment, no hurt, that is not as easy. But that is what true forgiveness is. Sure, there will be pain initially, there will be scars eventually, but I guess that's why forgiveness is a process. Slowly, but surely, letting go. ANd I guess that is something I still need to learn.

And I guess I also found my life's mission: To find the promised land that is in Jesus Christ.

I need to keep some form of a Christian Walk journal or something... To keep reminding me that I need to keep chasing after God.

Seek and I shall find.

The second session was about being filled with the Holy Spirit & the Lordship of Christ in my life. This one is much drier and I nearly fell asleep again. XD But the last part was more interesting. The speaker begin to pray individually for us. And when she prayed for me, and anointed me with oil, I felt like I was burning. Not painfully though. Just really warm. My back was so warm, as if there was some invisible body behind me. I didn't fall though, like some of the other women did, but I definitely felt safe. Safer than I have felt in a while.

Then, HM prayed for me, and shard with me a vision she saw when she prayed for me. She saw water, and a shark's fin, and a person running on the shore, waving a sign that said "Danger". And she prayed for protection for me. I guess I'm not out of danger yet... And a breakthrough may occur. Painfully, slowly. And I can do nothing but wait for the unknown. And when the time comes, I will rely on the Lord for help. And I will be stronger than ever. Come what may, on Christ the solid rock I will stand.

Day 3
Today was quite ok, compared to yesterday. We sang a lot of hymns. XD Haha! I sort of miss them... I used to sing them when I was younger. They meant so much more than those songs I sing now. Anyway, today, we prayed for restoration. Hm... It is not something I can put in words... What I felt then... Well... All I can say is that people came to find God. And God they did find. In ways so unique to them... The testimony-sharing session was very interesting. However, due to confidentiality issues, I can't really say much about it. But those tears and those smiles on the faces of those who have seen and felt God. Those were real. And they touched my heart.

And then, before we knew it, we were heading back home. ^^" I forgot all about National Day during my stay...

I had dinner with my family. XD Had steak. ♥ Haha! Sigh... Now, I'm missing all my BMS friends... BMS(I)!!! COME BACK HOME FROM VIETNAM!!! THIS SILLY GOOSE HERE MISSES YOU~!!!

Back to the present?

Damn you YX. At least look after the dog!! Send it to the vet for a check-up and stuff!! No sane owner who actually wants to keep the dog will look after it if it's sickly and stuff. Heck, you don't even know if it's microchipped. Since these days, owners are microchipping their dogs more often cause it causes less hassle than collars and licenses.

Ha. What if you realise later that the dog actually has an owner. It looks like a shih tzu. And it looks too well for it not to have an owner. Since shih tzu are prone to skin and eye infections a lot. Not only that, since its lower jaw is jutting out (which is normal for a shih tzu), its exposed teeth (not normal) will cause dental problems. Zzz. And all these can be solved by bringing it to a vet, since vets also have the equipment to check for microchips.

Zzz. And also, if you are too lazy or "not free" to do such things, give it to SPCA, and they will do it for you. Shih tzu are quite popular among dog lovers. So they won't last long in that place anyway.

Also, when trying to get people to adopt a pet, most adoptees want to know what the animal is like. Each animal has their own personality and you need to give certain characteristics and traits of the dog. Zzz... If you're so lazy to do all such things, heck, I don't mind taking over.

I rather keep the dog temporarily with me and know it's well looked after, than by you who doesn't even know how to care for it.

Of all things I cannot stand, this is one of them. I love animals a lot... And the way you are treating it... Really makes me worry for the animal. So if you are so eager to get rid of it, pass it to me. I'll look for people to adopt it. I'll look after it, since I already have a shih tzu in my house. And I'll take it to the vet myself. If you are so unwilling, I'll do it.

Back to the present?

Today... I talked to both of them... Zzz... Since Ivan still refuses to talk to F about it, I talked to F instead. Sure, I inferred a little, but I also told her which parts was said by Ivan.

Zzz... Truth hurts. I know. And now, both Ivan and F are angry. I understand why F is angry. But why Ivan? I have no idea.

Anyway, I understand where F is coming from... After all, I found out that her previous (bastard) boyfriend treated her in a similar manner. First he told her to not to talk so often over the phone, then came the "little" spaces of privacy which soon became so big, F is left to pick up whatever pieces is left of her heart. And such wounds, they don't heal easily.

So obviously, when Ivan tries something similar, whatever the intention, she gets all suspicious and unusually possessive and stuff. It doesn't help Ivan never gave her a proper reason for her to trust him except based on his words. Sure... Teaching me behind F's back and not telling her about it builds loads of trust. As if. So yeah. I understand why F is angry.

As for Ivan... I have no idea why he is angry. Angry cause I told F? Angry cause things are not going as planned? Angry cause he's fed up with F's attitude? Angry cause he expects F to understand but she doesn't? I really have no idea.

Whatever the reason, he called to tell me to deal with F cause he's fed up. Of course you idiot, I will deal with her. She's my friend after all. If you don't want to understand her side of the story and you don't want to deal with this, fine by me. As for me, I'll stay by F's side until she can steady herself again. He wants his space? He can have his space. Heck, both of them really should time out for a while... =.=

Letting go isn't easy... I know that. And now, I have to help F through that.

To love is to let go, if he comes back, it's meant to be... Still the question lingers: And what if he doesn't?

Back to the present?

Read The Embalmer. Personally... I'm starting to dislike the story... =(

Initially it started out really nice. But as the story goes on, somehow, it gets quite tragic to me. In a sense, I understand; in a sense, I don't.

What I do understand is that the main character is a human. We are all humans. And me, being a lover of warmth, understands how... desirable body heat can be. And yet... I can't understand in the sense that I have never dealt with dead bodies before. I have never touched them or operate on them or feel them up or anything of the sort. So I cannot understand the effects they will have on a person psychologically.

But I've seen how scary it can be... And after touching and meddling round with bodies so human yet so devoid of anything humane... A real, living body becomes a touch of ecstasy on your senses.

And... I dunno... When it comes to people... I really understand nothing about them...

Just this evening, Mom was talking to me about people's emotions. Cause Ivan wants to teach me some really cool technique that doesn't require much strength but more of technique. Something like Aikido. But he doesn't want F to come along cause she'll get jealous (duh!) and will follow him around everywhere after that. And he wants to build spaces of privacy between them...

And Mom says this will strain F and my relationship... =( I dunno... Somehow... As much as I'm curious about this technique... Something doesn't quite feel right... Especially after talking to my Mom about it... Haha. Mom says I'm too naive... But... I know F trusts Ivan... And F trusts me. And (I'm giving him the benefit of doubt here) Ivan is just coming over to teach me some moves for self-defense. Zzz... But somehow... It doesn't feel right if F doesn't know... Ivan says he wants both of us to spar one day without holding back, so he won't let either of us know each other's progress... But... Regardless of whether I know her progress... I can't strike a friend. Especially not F.

Zzz. Mom says she rather I overthink such things, then to get into trouble later for not thinking through it enough... Zzz. But if I do overthink things... Then I'd be questioning my friend's trust... Or more specifically my trust in him. And... I dunno... Somehow... The whole scenerio is just plain weird... Why not tell F? Why train me only? What about my brothers? What will be F's feelings on this? This secrecy and crap. Yet, if I do talk to him about it, I'd be questioning his integrity and his word. If I don't, and let it be, I'll hurt F. And if I tell F about it, Ivan will be upset. =.= Zzz... Seriously no pleasing to anyone...

Also, Ivan's not the emotional sort... And my mom says he will compare F and I if I let things progress... After all, not even F knows what are Ivan's emotions sometimes... And my mom is worried that should Ivan develop feelings for me, and considering that he is currently F's boyfriend, it will create one hell of a drama. And hell knows no fury like a woman's wrath.

Zzz... I dunno what to think anymore. Ah hell... I rather talk. Better to make a fool out of myself than to hurt a friend. And if it comes down to it... I'd choose F over Ivan.

Haha. My mom says not to decide so soon, cause I may change my mind... But... whether or not I grow closer to Ivan... This is a decision I have to make without regrets... And I rather lose Ivan than to lose F... F is... irreplacable. Ivan is a great friend, but F is special. That's why... I'd choose F over Ivan.

Sigh... Either way... this is gonna hurt.

Back to the present?

Loverholic, Robotronic, Loverholic, Robotronic

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ShiNee's "Lucifer" is catchy like "Sorry Sorry" and "Bonamana" but I think I still prefer the less rockish and more melodious types of songs. XD Unless it's sexy like Adam Lambert's "For Your Entertainment". ~_^

These couple of days pass easily. XD Somehow, I sort of wonder where July went, especially when June took forever to disappear. XP

Today, the most memorable event was me visiting the guys' gymnastics training. XP Although YX didn't quite want me there, but I wanted to see them since over 2 weeks ago. And today, I got to see them again. 8D Yay! OMG. Ju's hair looks really funny. XD Somehow, it doesn't quite suit him... That wild, slightly mohawkish look only makes him look older and more unkempt. On the other hand, A's hair makes him look sooo cute~! Like a little child. XD And ZH lost a lot of weight!! O.O I was surprised to see him so much thinner. XD YX and KY looks the same somehow. ^^"

The gymnastics training was very entertaining. XD I believe it is one of my most amusing afternoons ever. A's cartwheels and flips sort of make me wonder if he could fly. He was really graceful and there is this adorable factor in him when he flips around. XP Awww... I think of all the guys, he performs the best. ~_^ Whoo~! Go A!

ZH may have lost weight, but somehow when it comes to tumbles, he seems to be the most roll-y. XD And in my opinion, he's second best of the group. ^-^ Though somehow... The look in his eyes seems to suggest that he feels rather... awkward... I dunno... Though this awkwardness seems to disappear as he trains, but comes back many fold when he tries the back hand spring. XD His face speaks wonders of his truamatic experience with the stunt. XD Personally, I think it's quite impossible to get over the fear of falling. I've been afraid of falling since forever... But it is possible to condition your mind to either ignore it or to connect another emotion other than fear with falling. XD

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For me... Usually, when it comes to anything that involves falling, I somehow found myself feeling both fear and excitement. ^^" When it comes to cheerleading, trapeze, rollercoasters, etc, usually the excitement wins out eventually. But if I'm stationary on the ground, usually the idea of the possibility of falling creates more fear than excitement. =/ How odd.

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Anyway, moving back to the guys, KY did well too. Though he and YX are more in the middle range, in terms of performance... IN MY OPINION. The coach probably sees differently. XP I dunno. Though of all the guys, YX is the one who performs the stunts with more power than the others. If A seems to be able to fly, YX seems to be able to explode. XD

Ju, to me, is the most entertaining to watch. True, he doesn't perform as well as the others. But somehow, watching him perform, however badly or good, just makes me want to cheer on him more. ^-^ Him and ZH. And somehow, I admire his ability to shrug off whatever embarrassment he made and focus on the stunts at hand. =^^= I don't think I will be able to do that... I don't know how he does it... But I personally find it quite amazing. XP Perhaps because I am quite a perfectionist... So I tend to harp on my imperfections, especially if they're pointed out to me... Back to Ju.

Ju is inflexible. That much is painfully obvious when he does the stunts. But in terms of progress, I think his is the fastest of them all. ^^ So ganbatte Ju! Keep it up! ^-^

After that, Ju, ZH and I went to some place to have ice cream... =^^= OMG. The ice cream was sooo nice... It was soo soft!! Haha! ZH said it's more like sherbet than ice cream. But to me, they're about the same. =x So yeah... ^^" And I got sort of lost trying to get to NUH... So I took a cab down... XP My sense of direction is sooo superb...

My grandpa can take clear fluids now. Yay! Finally, his digestive system has decided to stop going on strike. XP Sheesh... They are such fussy patients... It's so hard to operate well on them and they quite temperamental too... X( Oh well... I guess all digestive systems are like that... =.= At least according to the doctors...

Sigh... Now that I'm back home... I actually quite tired... All those days of insomnia is catching up to me... =(

Back to the present?