YO! I'm back from camp! And let me jot down my experiences of my last two days, before they are forgotten... Though I'll be surprised if I actually can forget some of them. XD

For my first day of camp, other than the tiring train ride all the way to NTU and BACK, actually, it's quite fun. Although I was early... XD When the games properly started, we played many silly games before trying out the FOC games in school. XD Although we didn't exactly try all the different games cause us BMS people need to do course registration. But from what we played, it was hell fun! And those idiots sabo-ed me for indian poker!! X( Then there was this game, Barricades, where we have to charge through rows of people. XD I think that one caused the most injuries. After all, you can't really play a charging game with a gentle nature.

After that, was the amazing race, where we had go to stations from the west to the east. I definitely didn't like the running. Though one of the game stations was quite interesting. We had to listen to songs and mime out the title, like charades. I know english, korean and even japanese songs. SO WHY MUST ONLY THE CHINESE SONGS COME OUT OF ME??!??!! X(

At the end, the most entertaining event was some wet weather programme planned just in case something fails. XDDD I think my favourite part of the whole programme is watching BMS(E) strip topless. XD E was sooo excited too. Hahaha! I didn't know BMS(E) had such a nice body... After all, he looked quite thin compared to most of the other guys. But he definitely had some real nice muscles. XD And he even tried to dance for one of the programme! Whoo~ Actually, he was supposed to pose only, but I think he got kinda high. XD But I swear, I doubt I can look at the event again without laughing my head off. Hahahaha!

Oh yes! At the Barricades, BMS(E) accidentally molested a girl. And we had one hell of a time teasing him about it. Haha! My dear BMS(E), when you say "not on purpose" means you admitted you did it, regardless of intent. XDDD And the more you try to talk your way out, the deeper the grave you are digging. Hahahaha! I shall MOST definitely remember that for quite a while. ~_^ After all, such blackmail materials are real sweet~♥

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So sort of ends Day 1. When Day 2 came by, the girls and the guys were surprised to realise I could actually nearly recite all their actions and what they are doing in the room that night. XD Apparently, they had no idea I was that much of a light sleeper. XD And they decided I was as alert as a CCTV. I could even tell some of them the time of which they did certain things. XD It was not really on purpose! I mean... Sometimes I wake up (no thanks to you guys) and check my handphone, so I knew the time.

I knew M was coughing during the night. I knew JW came in and out of the room, and that he snores and it sounds like an asthma attack. I knew JY went to the toilet and the toilet flush was not functioning properly. I knew S shifted a lot in her sleep. I knew all the guys left the room by 6.55 am. I knew... A lot of things. Definitely videoing material. Maybe I should work as a CCTV. Hahaha!

Anyway, today rained early in the morning and the games were postponed. We played Kudo and wet games today. Kudo is a detective-like game, where we went round solving a particular murder or event or etc. I guessed the ending right! Haha! And the wet games... are wet. And muddy and dirty, and altogether exhausting. I didn't quite bring enough tops to wear. X(

So I borrow one of BMS(E)'s. Wow. His T-shirt is so large, it's even longer than my FBT! When I wore it, it really looked as if I was just wearing that shirt and nothing else. And it almost reaches down to my knees. Wow. Now that is one HUGE shirt. But it's a really comfy one too. ^-^ And I changed to that after the wet games.

Lastly, we had fright night. XD K was my partner, and I think he's more worried about me straying away than he is about the ghosts. ^^" After all, he had to stop and back-track for me a couple of times. Oops? XD It was relatively ok, though I jumped around quite a bit, due to the scares. And I think I become unusually polite and cheerful when I'm getting freaked out. =/

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So far, the whole senior's camp was really awesome! We played lots of games, though I really dislike the riddle parts... I don't particularly care whether this is or is not a string, or how many leaves are falling or whether is this an apple or orange or even what snakes there are. Though I dare say, I had more confidence about speaking in chinese when I'm around them. Initally, on the first day, whenever people talk to me in chinese and i'll speak back in english. But now, at least I can hold a decent conversation with a taxi driver in chinese. Whoo~ Go me!

Anyway, I'm really too tired to care anymore and I'm gonna sleep. Night all!

Back to the present?

There is more than one way to kill a person...

What you are doing to Mom... Is very much like killing her softly, as she said...

The worst thing that happened today:

Watching my mom, my mom who is by far the strongest person I've ever known; my mom who is able to bear all her friends' burdens plus her own and even yours and is still able to smile and laugh in such a carefree manner; my mom who has stayed with all your nonsense for over 21 years... Watching my mom break down and crumble... Because of your mistakes.

It's only fair... If you create a problem... You solve it... And yet... Because she is your wife, she does her best to help you out... But seriously... To create one hellhole of problems because of your carelessness and foolishness, and then to ask my mom "So how?"... =.= She ain't God, my dear. As much as you wish her to be...

It took her about 20 years for her to finally explode with your behaviour... It will take a lot more to break her down... And congrats. You did what I deemed was impossible. Sigh... You idiot! You have been MARRIED to her for 21 years and you still can't quite figure her out. XD Zzz. I guess I get that from you... >.<

Sigh... Please look at the damage you leave behind for people to clean up before asking Mom "So how". I swear those two words... Will be the death of Mom.

Back to the present?

Kau Telah Buktikan
Cinta-Mu Padaku
Kau Membayarku Dengan Hidup-Mu
Ku Bersyukur

Yang Ada Padaku
Semuanya Milik-Mu
Kupersembahkan S'luruh Hidupku
Di Mezbah-Mu

Hanya Kau Yang Menjadi Tempat Jawaban
Hanya Kau Tempatku Berharap
Berjalan Bersama-Mu Ku Tak Kan Goyah
S'bab Tangan Kasih-Mu Tersedia Bagiku
S'lamanya Kau Kucinta

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The song I never got a chance to sing. Due to a lack of time. WK came back from China!! OMG! I miss his voice a lot. Well... It's hard not to miss it actually. He's louder than me. =/ And coming from me, that's saying something. XD

But there is something WK said that... Makes me worry... He said that the time where Christians, especially in Singapore, have to make their stand is coming soon. ... I knew what he meant... You don't exactly spent one night in camp running for your supposed life and forget about it easily. The interesting thing I realised is that... Even now, when I feel most turbulent, I know my answer. And the scary part is... I'm not afraid. Haha! At least... With a certain certainty in my mind, I'm more at ease today than the other days.

Now, I am more nervous for the days to come... First of all, M offered me a job. Yay! She said she'll ask her mom if I can work with her in her mom's store, a kipling boutique. And I hope the work will let me off for FOC. Second... RTC meeting... XD This is a strange feeling. I am excited and nervous about what is to come. And to be the programming IC of all roles. XD Somehow... While most of such roles makes me feel scared... This time, there is an excitement too. I guess that's why I accepted the role. I saw what it could become...

Call it a vision, or just an image in my head... But I saw it. The potential that it could be. And I wanted it. Haha! So I'm sort of excited for it. XD

Haha! I think... Even though today... 80 is still pouring forth, and 18 is still dominating the sky... For some reason, the Sun never looked so bright... ^-^

And this time, I shall go forth with more confidence than yesterday.

Back to the present?

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength of each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way

Through a roadway in the wilderness He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and Earth will fade
But His love will still remain
He will do something new today...

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Somehow... I wish to see a road... But I ain't seeing anything.

Today, M made for me a really cool calendar all by herself. It looks so cool too! Like a photograph! And well... She was finding some pictures of me on FB and made a postcard out of it too. And she chose the picture YX took of me when we were going to Body World. XD Looking at the picture really made me feel nostalgic. And with the above song in mind... I sometimes do wonder... Is there a way? Or there isn't?

GAHHH!!! Sometimes I really hate falling in love. Cause all you do is fall. And I have enough of falling, running and dying from my dreams already. This is so dumb. If I choose to run away from my feelings and live in lovely oblivious denial, then I won't fall, but I'll be constantly running. And if I choose not to run, I'll fall. All the way to Hell. Yay. Wonderful choices I have. ARGH!!! Why can't my stupid heart choose someone more reasonable, like BMS(I)?!?! Or BMS(E)... =/

Been reading about war lately. War in D.Grey Man, war in Harry Potter, war in FMA, war in crossovers. As long as it's not about love, joy, peace, happy ever after, etc. I'll be happy. Part of me thinks what I'm reading now is reflecting my current feelings. Apparently, according to that part of me, I'm at war with myself. Can disagree with that part. After all, war and destruction is part of human nature... But I'm currently wondering about my obssession with war part. The most ironic thing is... While I searching for more and more destruction, within that destruction, I'm still looking for a pure heart...

Maybe that's why even though I agree with Inume that Kanda is way cool, I still much prefer Allen... Or maybe it's because he so happen to have a split mind (the 14th Noah) and I just to happen to love psychos. Whee~

Now... I have 2 malay songs I NEED to remember by tomorrow or M will find a way to murder me... XD As long as I'm not holding the mic, I should be fine. XD I... don't have that self-confidence to grab the mic and sing my heart out yet...

Back to the present?

Is it just me or is my mood following the weather...? =.= Zzz...

Today is coded 5918. Worse pairing of all... But this is when Gokudera comes out to play. Zzz... As much as I like him... WHY OF ALL DAYS TODAY!!!

Zzz... I swear... Someone up there doesn't want me to meet YX at all... >.< And I was looking forward to flying a kite today... D8 Though I wandered around the area, sort of lost, I did see some really large fields. XD And the wind was nice too... Before it rained that is...

Times like these... I really dislike the rain... But I love the wind that comes with it... Zzz...

And fyi, when I say I'm wandering around, it means I'm W.A.I.T.I.N.G you fool!! Except I really cannot sit down and wait... Patience, I do not have. So I usually wander around... Even so, it would be NICE if you actually sent me an sms or at least call to say that the trip's been cancelled. I really don't like wander around ALONE in the middle of nowhere. Sigh... It's only proper... Otherwise I'm left wondering what the hell am I supposed to do...

Sigh... Why are the people that I want to kill always THOSE people that I cannot kill?? >.<

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Zzz... I've been dying to read something... Zzz... Usually that means I'm stressed or bothered by something... From my reading materials so far... I'd say... I'm bothered by people... Or I've just been cooped up at home for far too long... >.>

If I'm stressed or depressed, I'll be reading "happy ever after" stories. XD But my current stories are... More of the morbid sort... Which adds on to my moody temperament... Since I get affected by the stories I read... XD Great. My latest book is the last book on Harry Potter. Apparently, I'm dying to read about war. As long as there is killing, angst, and fighting, I don't really care. Romance is optional. Best if there is none. It ruins the mood... Unless said couple breaks up or one side dies. XD

Ok... I think there is something wrong with my brain configuration... XD

RAWR. Ok. Now I shall find something to destroy... Or something to drink...

Back to the present?

I was watching Marley & Me on TV just now... And I dunno... By watching Marley... I am reminded so much of Tabby... Especially at the end...

I mean... Tabby is already about 10 years old... Most dogs live only until 15... So that means... I only have 5 more years to see Tabby... And that's 5 years at best... =(((

And Chocy's having eye problems... And he may go blind soon... Heck both my dogs have difficulty seeing at night as it is... Zzz...

For now... Heck, it may seem like I'm taking them for granted... But I really really can't imagine them gone... And I have no idea what I would feel then.

Zzz... For now, I shall not think about it... I don't want to...

Back to the present?

Something I found on FB:

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: Honey Milk Tea from Koi (with an overdose of sugar) XD
2. Last phone call: To Zack. To ask if he wanted which bubble tea he wanted
3. Last text message: From Zack. XD With his request in what bubble tea he wanted... XD
4. Last song you listened to: This Love by G-Dragon
5. Last time you cried: ... Not telling.

HAVE YOU EVER:
7. Been cheated on: No
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Eh... The only people I've kissed are my family members, and no I don't regret it. XD
9. Lost someone special: Many times. At least... They were special to me.
10. Been depressed: yes
11. Been drunk and threw up: No. Too much self-control. >.<>.>
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: Eh... My family?
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: All of them. XD
23. How many kids do you want to have: NONE! XD Actually... 2 would be nice. ^^"
24. Do you have any pets: Tabby, Chocy and Lassie
25. Do you want to change your name: Hm... I often wish to... But in the end, I'm glad I didn't.
26. What did you do for your last birthday: Don't remember.
27. What time did you wake up today: 11+ am. XD
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Playing "Pet Protectors 2" and reading FMAHP fanfiction. ^^
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: The world to end.
30. Last time you saw your Mother: Just now. To discuss about some organic smoothies... XD
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I wish I can understand people better. I wish I can understand their thoughts. I wish... to learn to listen.
32. What are you listening to right now: Songs from Big Bang. =^^=
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: No.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: Chinese. And hall.
35. Most visited webpage: FB and fanfiction.net
36. What's your real name: Jessica Lee Kin-Mun
37. Nicknames: Jess, Jies (or something like that... >.> Can't spell whatever my brothers call me), Girl (by my dad), Idiot (courtesy of Ivan), and Ket (self-nicknamed)
38. Relationship Status: Single
39. Zodiac sign: Horse
40. Male or female?: Can I be both? D8 I'm female.
41. Elementary?: St. Hilda's Pri.
42. Middle School?: Temasek Sec.
43. High school/college?: TPJC for 1st 3 months, then MJC
44. Hair colour: Dark brown under bright light. Generally seen as black.
46. Height: 159-ish... >.>
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: Letting go.
48: What do you like about yourself?: The part of me that loves
49. Piercings: One of each ear. And that's bad enough already.
50. Tattoos: None... Though if they didn't involve needles, I don't mind getting one... 8D
51. Righty or lefty: Right

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: My toe. That's the first I remember anyway.
53. First piercing: Ears. When I was... Pri 6 I think... Then once more in Sec 3 cause the holes closed up.
54. First best friend: Francine. ♥♥♥
55. First sport you joined: Swimming I suppose...
56. First vacation: Not sure. Been to too many places to remember at what age... XD

RIGHT NOW
59. Eating: Nothing? it's past midnight.
60. Drinking: None. No water. D<>.>
78. Lost glasses/contacts: Not really.
79. Sex on first date: HELL NO
80. Broken someone's heart: Sadly, yes.
82. Been arrested: No
83. Turned someone down: Yes
84. Cried when someone died: Yes
85. Fallen for a friend?: Unfortunately.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: No
87. Miracles: I used to... Now... I don't know.
88. Love at first sight: No
89. Heaven: Yes
90. Santa Claus: Never did.
91. Kiss on the first date: No. Hugs, yes.
92. Angels: Yes.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time : No
95. Did you sing today? Yes
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: No
97. If you could go back in time: Hm... I sometimes wish to... But I won't.
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: The period from Jan to March. But if I must pick one DAY... ... I do not know...
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: Hell yes.
100. Posting this as 100 truths?: Well... it won't be on FB. That's for sure.

Back to the present?

27 = Clear Blue Sky
18 = Clouds
69 = Mist/Haze
59 = Storm
80 = Rain
L = Lightning

Eh... That should be all??? XD

Back to the present?

Today I went to Henderson Waves. Yay! I REALISED I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE!!! It was during my first cell meeting. But we went at night, so everything was pretty much all dark and gloomy. But today, when I went there with BMS(I), it was actually a pretty bright place. AND IT IS SOOO HIGH!!!

I felt like I could see all of Singapore from up there... Well... Technically, I could... But my view consist of mostly the Central area and the sea though. The most I've been on are the roads. I have no idea Singapore has SOO many buildings. XD Wow. I feel like a foreigner. I need to get out more often... =/

Anyway, we mainly walked and talked and walked some more. XD I think I got sunburnt. XD But it beats rotting at home, so oh well... XP Walking around in the semi-forest area (semi cause there's still signs of civilisation) I feel like I'm back in Sec 3 camp. ^-^ Though for some reason, I don't remember the forest being this humid. XD Must be the Singapore environment. Haha!

As I look to the sky, today is definitely a 1827 day. Though Inume says there are signs of 80. She says that he's jealous of 27. Oh wow. Should 18 be honoured herbivores are dying to be by his side? =/ I don't think so. But it was really nice, with the wind and all. It's like a really really HUGE park. I would explore the playgrounds there too, but my feet are aching and BMS(I) would kill me and bury me somewhere unknown there if I did so. XD

I also saw lots of things there. I saw some really CUTE birdies there. They have a white head with a crest, and brown bodies. They are sooo cute~ Times like these, I often wish I was studying vet science... But I'll find a way around... BMS(I) suggests doing post-grad... I don't mind... XD Another alternative is to do research = more lab work = ^-^

I also saw lots of ferns. There is one BMS(I) calls the ladder fern, which looks nothing like a ladder to me, but it's curled up ends are really interesting. They remind me of the manga Uzumaki, a story of cursed spirals. XD Anyway, moving on...

We saw cotton plants, or should I say, plants that explode cotton. XD We saw fruits the size of cannon balls (which BMS(I) won't let me fire them in the cannon I saw). Mainly we saw lots of plants. XD I'm more of a fauna than a flora person though. =/ The ants there are huge... But not as large as I thought they would be... (I have a wild imagination... So when I'm told giant ants, I was literally thinking REALLY REALLY HUGE ones). These are still ok.

I also saw some butterflies (or moths I can't quite tell... Can't really see their feelers), and spiders and other insects, etc. Haha! Personally, I don't regret going on such walks. Takes my mind off the world. ^^

We also got lost somewhere along the way, but thank God for BMS(I)'s internal directory. It's like... He never walked certain paths but he still knows his way out and around. O.o Haha! I can do that too! Except... It will take more detours... ^^"

Then we headed back to Vivo for cake and a drink, courtesy of BMS(I). Yay! Thx! ^-^ I'm not fond of surprises, but if it's planned like these, and I have a slight idea of it, I don't mind. THANK GOD HE DIDN'T BURST INTO THE HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG. It is now my most hated song of the year.

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My family didn't go pool. D8 Cause my dad's too tired. So in the end, we just sat down for the movie, True Legend, instead. Now that... is a senseless show. But Sam wants to watch it... so oh well... >.< I give in to them too much, I think. XD

Now, I'm dead tired and I want to sleep. Night all! ^-^

Back to the present?

After... About 5 hours of sleep, maybe less, I feel much better.

I guess the shock from yesterday's surprise wore off, thank God. I finally realised why I hate surprises so much. They make me feel more pessimistic and cynical, and much more prone to tears.

After I typed my blog last night (or this morning), I called F, seeking some form of comfort to pull me out of my moody state. And out of the blue, she surprised me by singing an off-key happy birthday song. I wanted her to stop... But I couldn't. Not when my voice is clogged up in my throat and tears are streaming down my face. And all I could do was laugh it off as much as I can...

All these in consideration, I was surprised I didn't break down when the cell celebrated my birthday.

Currently, my emotional state feels like some hurricane just tore through it and I'm trying to figure out what to do with the wreckage.

So far, the best birthday present ever is that warm kiss from Mom. XD

(My thoughts are quite scattered... So pardon the randomness. And short paragraphs.)

I nearly got into a fight with Dad again... Well... Mom did, I nearly did. Sigh... Sometimes, all my mom wants is someone she can pour out her complaints and frustrations to... And of course, my dad, being male, must try to seek for a solution... XD Dad... She already has a solution. Just let her talk her heart out!

Sigh... Crap... Now I'm tired. But I can't sleep... Not for a long while anyway.

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Today's weather forecast::
Today is coded 8018 in the east. You are advised to bring umbrellas. And a basket. Canines and felines are said to be falling from the sky.

Back to the present?

At the moment... I am feeling more of the negative side than the positive side... Though I have yet to find someone that thinks I'm manipulative... =/




What type of Fae are you?

Back to the present?

OMG. I'm gonna have birthday spams from FB. O.o I have no idea if I should be happy or freaked out...

Today at cell... I had a feeling that those crazy people would do something like celebrate my birthday. I mean, they did it for everyone else, so I should expect mine... But somehow... When they actually gave me the cake and wish me happy birthday... I was still stunned. The problem with hoping but not expecting is that you eventually become quite cynical...

Like when the cell was praying... N was going round praying for everyone... But I was still very astonished he prayed for me... That I really did not expect... What I expected even less was that he prayed for a future for me. For God to show the way, the reason why I was born. For some reason, I was quite touched... Somewhere along the way, during the holidays, maybe even before that... I gave up on a future. I never thought about it much.

When did I stop believing? I do not know.

I'm not used to celebrating my birthday like that... Usually, it's just dinner with my family. Sometimes we go to crazier places to celebrate my brithday, like on my 18th birthday, we went to Morton's for some steak. ^-^ They personalised the menus so that all of them had "Happy 18th Birthday Jessica" written on top of it. O.o It was a pleasant surprise I guess...

I don't know why I'm quite pessimistic these few days... As if I am wishing for the world to end tomorrow. (actually I wish that everyday, but oh well... =/) Putting on a smile for the camera is hard too. Times like these, I really hate the camera. All those fake smiles and pretty lies...

I think I'm just questioning humanity at the moment. I don't know... There seems to be a burden in my heart. One that I do not know how to get rid of. I don't even know what it is... But what I do know... It's related to my pessimism.

Of all times to celebrate my birthday... It has to be now. I'll be having a simple dinner with my family and then watching Karate Kid. Personally, I don't want to watch it. It will destroy the memory of the original movie that I have... But everyone seems to want to watch it... So might as well...

Somehow... This movie and my visit to the zoo is making me feel quite nostalgic. Things that once was, but no longer is. Remakes and changes are done so that they "fit in" to the ever-changing society. And all that is left are memories. And that's all they will ever be. Zzz.

Happy Birthday to me

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BIRTHDAY ~ A DAY THAT STARTED TO WALK~ - ARUKI HAJIMETA HI

Worries or impatience are futile
Things like dreams cannot be found hastily
Not for other people, nor for someone else
Just it paint with your own colours

It's fine to be more daring, be more whimsy, be more ambiguous
Surely there is not just one correct answer
You can restore it any time, it is possible

Each and every one of our feelings,
Like the candle flame on the birthday cake
Will become a great light some day
Illuminating It's your dream
Starting with the things you like, go forward without fear for failure
To you on the day you take the first step of this journey
Happy Birthday to you

Getting frustrated, being troubled, every one have experienced these
Shallow words of encouragements
Are just the same as true kindness
Those who had never born sadness will not understand

It's fine to be simpler, be more frank, be less sensitive
Surely regrets will not come in the future
As I wrap them up and forget about them immediately!

It's okay even if things cannot always and forever be happy
Things that cannot be changed unless we overcome them
Will definitely come brand new days
The fact that you were absorbed in something whole-heartedly
Make it an important thing for yourself
To you on the day you reborn
Happy Birthday to you

In the almost countless times of encounters and farewells
Amongst the repeating days, make this a memorial day
Surely in here, no matter when
Yes, it'll be full of smiling faces

Each and every one of our feelings
Like the candle flame on the birthday cake
If they get blow out in just one breath
It's still not enough, your dreams
Starting with the things you like, go forward without fear for failure
To you on the day you take the first step of this journey
Happy Birthday to you

Back to the present?

Today is a very lazy day. I woke up at 1.30 pm because the sky looked so dark, I thought it was still around 6am-ish. I'm the sort to wake by the sky, so if it's sunny, I'll wake up earlier. Doesn't mean I'll get out of bed though.

Spent my day reading all sorts of odd manga. Bitter Virgin is some sad story... Probably I'm hell against rape. Othello (Shoujo) is interesting. It's probably one of the few shoujo manga I didn't mind. XD It's about split personalities. ^-^

The most interesting one I read so far is Plant Doll. It's something like Petshop of Horrors, but less dark. The Petshop of Horrors is about selling love and dreams, and watching how humanity twists it into something dark and deadly. However, Plant Doll is about giving love. Most of its endings are ambiguous in the sense that it hints of a good ending, but somehow... There is a feeling of foreboding about it. There is a notion of how much humans can love something, and also how much they can be trapped by love itself.

I guess while the endings are nice, the forboding feeling I get is the idea that there is a lack of control over the doll, to the point one is willing to be enslaved by it. Everything for a smile, eh? If only life is so simple.

I guess the idea of a lack of control irks me. XD Like Inume, I really dislike things I can't control. The most obvious are my own feelings. Both mine and the people around me. I can't control my dad's anger. I can't control my brother's sadness. I can't control my mom's frustration. I can't control YX's happiness. etc.

I guess that's life... If I can control everything... Life won't be as fun. But it'll also be less scary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think... Sam hasn't quite gotten over the wounds Shel made yet... What she did to him... Probably tore him apart to the point that she nearly broke him. Maybe she did. Maybe she didn't. But what I do know, is that he grew stronger. But his heart is still weak... And he became quite cynical about people for quite a while. Even now, when I know he is over her... Somehow, watching his face lit up when he sees her sms makes me realise that both him and I are much alike in this aspect.

When we like someone... Even when we let them go... We will always hold a soft spot for them. After all, they were the people who once held our hearts in their hands. And even if we took it back, a small piece will always be left behind. As a souvenir. Of where our hearts once been. And yes, even though he considers his relationship with her (or lack thereof) over, he still hopes. That silly boy... As the song goes... "Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill".

There can be miracles when I believe. The problem is... What happens if I stop believing? After all... I'm only human. I can fall. Fall down to my version of Hell. Oh joy.

Back to the present?

I have a castle now. I built it with my own hands. Whoo~


The front of the castle is a garden filled with red roses.

And on the other side lies a deep, dark forest with a beautiful lake, where black swans gather under the moonlit sky.

The lake, for unknown reasons, is surrounded by four-leaves clovers. How lucky!

It is said that beneath the lake lies a golden treasure chest, with contents so intriguing, it's beyond the imagination of men.

I wonder what it stores...?

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Above is a ridiculous story I came up with for my puzzle pieces. Yes. I am that bored. No I do not want to study.

And sorry if the pictures are blur. I have lousy photography skills. Cause my hands tremble too much. A good surgeon, I do not make.

Anyway, just a few simple updates on my life. I'm going Henderson Waves on Saturday!! Whoo~!! ^-^ Can't wait. XD I'm also gonna be the programming IC for RTC. The area RTC is like the Amazing Race, with the theme Go Green. Hopefully can get my friends to join. ^^ I'm in charge of the cell RTC. So far, we managed to set up some sort of sequence as to how the event would be ran, but it's still sketchy in details. Zzz... I'm sort of excited and sort of scared by this... I mean... What if things doesn't turn out the way it should be? Knowing such events, things NEVER turn out the way you want them to... Zzz.

I just have to pray and hope everything turns out right... Zzz... I really dislike it when I can't control stuffs like these...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday, I met some of Sam's friends. One of his friends, J, is quite an awesome guy. He's fun to talk to, and loves to bother Sam as much as me. ~_^ Mwhahaha!! He's studying in TP, Interactive Studies and Design. I think it's a rather interesting course, something Sam and Zack would love to go into as well. The other guys, D and A, are more of the silent type and didn't talk much unless it's about their filming. D, especially, is like in a world of his own. He's very task-oriented and doesn't talk much at all. A is slightly different. Since J likes to bother people, he keeps trying to make A talk, but all he got is a few shy grins and a few words out of A. XD Haha! Sam does make real interesting friends.

I talk to J the most, seeing he's more responsive and easy to talk to. He's also quite the joker, and a very hyper one at that. XD I think it's because he's the youngest of his family. In a sense, the way J treats Sam is very much like the way I treat Sam. Haha! Maybe that's why Sam's friends with him. And for someone who knows Sam for only 3 years, he does an amazing job of differentiating Sam and Zack apart.

I mean... To me, both of them are never alike, even though they are identical twins. Most people, including my dad, can't tell them apart when they are young. But when I showed J Sam and Zack's childhood photos (it's plastered all over the walls of the house), he can actually tell them apart. Whoo~ I am amazed. Then again, he is definitely an arts student. For some reason, those who are more into arts see people differently compared to those who are into science... And the former seem to be able to understand me without much elaboration as well. O.o So does that make me a science or arts student? =/ Haha!

Hence ends today... Zzz... Time to open up my dreaded chinese books to start deciphering them...

Back to the present?

You foolish nut!

If you consider knowing Ivan a waste of time, THEN DON'T ASK ME ABOUT HIM!!! Seriously, you had a taste of what Ivan is like, yet, you want to know his opinion. Dude!! If that ain't asking for trouble, I don't know what is.

Seriously... Don't let Ivan get under your skin. He's deliberately mocking you to fire you up. You getting angry... You might as well let him win the war. Sigh... Seriously... If you don't want to bother with him... THEN WHY ARE YOU PISSED OFF!! If you don't care, if you are not bothered, then why are you affected??? Zzz. Your actions contradict your words. And somehow... I'm more inclined to listen to your actions more than your words.

And you wonder why I have difficulty trusting you... I don't know what to listen to anymore... Do you really not care? Or do you not WANT to care? If it's the latter, I believe eventually, I can reach through to you. If you really don't care, you would be ignoring me. The fact that if I try to talk to you cause I'm worried, and you do share, it's times like these that I feel like can be friends with you... It makes me think that you do care... Even if you don't want to.

And my dear... So what if I worry about you? Somehow, it's in-built in the X chromosome, and it's about you. If I don't worry, it means I don't care. Sorry for being concerned about another human being. God knows, I'm probably making a mistake to care for you. But it's my choice. As tedious as it is, as much as it is a waste of energy, time, etc. It's my choice to worry about you. So sorry if you don't appreciate it. Sorry for caring.

Also, you don't trust me because I don't tell you stuff? My dear, if that's the case, everyone will be at war. There are always things that we tell certain people and not others. And sometimes, the things you want to know are not easy put in words. I have no idea how to put all of Ivan's dislike, biasedness, and crude nature into words. If you want to get an answer out of Ivan himself, you have to endure endless hours of crude insults and vulgarities and still get nowhere. Tried that, failed utterly. So in the end, it's easier to just tune him out. Better for my sanity too.

And if you want answers, just ask. But give me time to think about the answer! Some of my answers are based on gut feeling or an emotion. How the hell do I put those into words??? Sheesh!

Trust is earned. That's what I believe at least... If your trust in me falls, then I'll find a way to earn it back again. Granted, it'll still be with cracks, but at least I'm trying. You have yet to earn mine. And mine is not easily given.

Zzz. Just because I don't tell you stuffs, you throw a tantrum. What are you, 5? Try to understand from the other person's point of view, like why won't I tell you. It doesn't quite hurt to think about others once in a while you know.

Sigh... Why do most of our conversations nowadays end up with you in anger...? Zzz.

Sometimes... I really don't get you... Not because you are difficult to understand... But the things you do and the things you say, somehow don't quite match up... And I don't know what to think anymore.

And now... No I do not expect you to ask me out again. But I'm still trying to be a friend to you. I'm still working out the kinks. Sorry if I offended you. I'm still human. I make mistakes.

Ah hell. I swear... You are the only person that can bother me this much... Zzz! Whether I want to or not... Sometimes I really wish I'm not human... Or at least I wish I'm emotionless... It's the things I can't control, like these damn feelings of mine, that really get me frustrated.

P.S. Thank God you didn't go through with your idea of surprising me. As nice as the idea is, I DO NOT like surprises. If you did... Well... Let's just say that if Ivan doesn't punch you, I would. I tend to react badly towards surprises.

Back to the present?

I am falling to my knees
I need You Lord to breathe in me
My prayer is still the same
My heart is calling out Your name

Sweet anointing fill this place
I am found in Your embrace

Rain down on me
Rain down on me
Here in Your presence I am free
Pour down like rain
Come and touch me again
Lord let Your presence fall on me

I’m longing just to see
Your power and Your majesty

Sweet anointing fill this place
I am found in Your embrace

Sweet anointing
Wash me over
Sweet anointing
Wash me over
(REPEAT)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sigh... I hate being bothered by things I have no idea about... These few days, have been quite tiring for me... For some reason, I can't sleep properly... All I do is toss and turn until a few hours later, when the stupid Sandman finally came to send me to sleep... >.< But yeah... I'm still tired... And there seems to be something on my mind... But everything I try to figure out what it is, it eludes me... Zzz! =.=

Yesterday, I met with some of the GLs and SA for the SBS FOC. They are quite a funny bunch. But. like always, I usually prefer some people in a group compared to others, even though I just met everyone. XD For this group, I seem to much prefer being around this guy, SM. No idea why. It's just... I just feel more comfortable around some people compared to others... Like for cheerleading, I prefer JA, YX (obviously) and ZH over KY or VR. The former 3... I just feel more comfortable around them... Why? Gut feeling. XD Doesn't hurt that I happen to like one of them... And I'm letting go that feeling... Cause for some reason, I'm making him angry and when he gets angry, he tries to hurt me... And he wonders why I can't trust him...

I know... When you get angry, you flame people... I get burnt enough by my dad, thank you very much... If you know the right words to use, I'll shatter. So sorry for not trusting, but I don't wish to see my world shatter before me yet.

-------------------------------------------------

Oh yes... YX says he doesn't want to bother with me. I wonder if that means he's gonna ignore me or something... I dunno anymore... Maybe he is, maybe he isn't... Ah heck... Best if I give him his space... He seems troubled by something... And I can't help but be concerned for that idiot. (Yes. You are an idiot. Matter of perception.) Sometimes, I wish he would tell me... But then again, he'll most probably say "Don't tell you", like he always does...

ZZZ!!! How do you care for someone who doesn't care???

---------------------------------------------------

My birthday's coming up! ^-^ And I do not know what to feel about it... Yes... When I was young, it is an amazing day where you get presents and stuffs... But now... To me... It's just another day. So how should I feel towards it? I do not know... And I'm tired of feeling... Being apathetic is so much easier. Sadly, I'm human. I feel.

For my brithday, my grandparents want to treat me to dinner, then after that, I'll be watching a movie with my family. What movie? Eh... I'll leave that to my brothers... They're the movie experts. Then on Saturday, I'll go play pool with my family. ^^ And that's about it for my birthday...

I would like to catch a movie with YX too, before I celebrate it with my family. But somehow, I doubt he's keen. Especially with his current mood.

Ooo! I forgot. Zackie is super cute~!!! He is trying to befriend YX, but the silly thing doesn't quite know how... XD And I have no idea how to help him either... >.< He wants to talk to YX and get to know him... But he's too shy to bother him and he doesn't quite know what to say. YX isn't very friendly towards him either. XD Cause to YX, Zackie is but a stranger. XD But still... Awww... Zackie is sooo cute~~ Kudos to him for making the effort to befriend YX. =^^=

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sigh... My head still spins from tiredness. I have no idea why. I have no idea why I'm bothered. All I know... Only time will tell what will happen in the future... Sigh... Sometimes... I get bothered by things that have yet to come... Zzz.

Back to the present?

Today at the zoo was really amazing!!

I have so much fun! I doubt I'll be able to cover the whole crazy day so I'll just recap some really interesting events that happened today. And no. I didn't bring a camera.

The jaguar feeding time is by far the most memorable one. XD The jaguars are sooo cute! When the keeper was feeding it, he dropped the food in from the top. So the jaguars were literally looking for food in heaven!! XDDD That look of pure eagerness and hope as it looks up and waits for the food is the cutest expression I have ever seen! (Except for Chocy's head-tilt thing) I thinks so too. XD He likes the reptile garden the best, while I much prefer the cat country. Somehow... There is something alluring about those cats. Their sleekness, their grace, their power, their agility, and their charm. Everything about them is worth admiring. ^-^

The leopards we saw today are sooo lazy. In the zoo, they are asleep. In the night safari, they are asleep. Personally, I think they sleep for 27 hours a day... Hahaha! I realised that I have never really been fond of the polar bears like I and F.

*For some reason, blogger decided to erase the rest of my post... And I don't remember what I wrote anymore... ;_;*

Summary: I walked until my feet felt like dropping off, I missed what the zoo was when I was a kid, and I got an eye infection, which got worse since I wore contacts for the whole day.

With all these thoughts still swimming in my head... Today comes to an end.

Back to the present?

Helloz worldddd!

Today started out a little unusual. I woke up to someone chanting in a loud voice, "1, 2, 3, 4... 10, and 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1" Zzz! And it was right outside my door! D< It didn't take a genius to figure out my mom has decided to hire some personal trainer so that she can slim down to wear her clothes again. XD What I can't figure out was... WHY OUTSIDE MY ROOM!!! And the best part? I can't go back to sleep, even though the blanket was oh so comfy~♥ Zzz!

Oh ya! YX found my blog. Yay. >.< When I told Zack that, his expression was like O.O!!!

Haha! It's so nice to have silly little brothers that understands what you are going through and provide the most adequate expressions to convey what I can't express. XD

Sam's filming buddies are coming over today to do some filming for his project. XD I hope all goes well. I mean... The most Sam has ever done is do some filming for his wushu... But I've never seen him done anything so... professional (in a sense) before. XD My dad ordering everyone around to clean up and stuffs... And I'm hiding in my room to wait out the storm.

Zzz... My PoP game seems to be screwing up. D8 It's lagging like crazy now... Zzz... I supposed I should have expected it, considering the fact that my intel core is below the minimum requirements. XD Oh well... =/ At most... Have to replay the whole thing again. I'm quite crappy when it comes to games anyway. XD

And I'm getting dear Zackie addicted to anime. Mwhahaha! I gonna try to get him to read Petshop of Horrors next. XD I think he will find the stories there quite intriguing. ~_^ Hm... Or maybe I can find someway to rob Inume of her PoT collection and watch it with Zack??? XD She'll kill me... =/

I have to study soon... I keep telling myself that but somehow... The books don't look inviting at all... D8 If any, they look foreboding...

Zzz... At this rate... I'm so gonna die when school reopens...

Back to the present?

I dunno if I'm annoying the living daylights out of YX and that he is irritated with me... Or if he's just bored of toying around with me already... But as far as I know... With the way he's been treating me and stuff... It's easier to let him go...

I guess... Mentally, I always knew I had to let him go... But somehow, am not emotionally ready to do so yet... But now... I guess it's easier... Cause somehow... It feels hopeless to even feel any sort of hope regarding him anymore... And now... Considering the fact he doesn't seem interested in talking to me, and that I haven't seen him since... exams started. Well... It's easier... Though I won't know what happens when I see him again. Zzz... The heart is such a fickle thing.

On the other hand... Now that I'm comtemplating YX and my relationship (or whatever you want to call it), I realise that I actually take on the male role in the relationship... And YX takes on the female role... XD Cause when I discuss it with my brothers, it seems that the girls are the ones that usually play some form of mind games or are the ones to keep the guys guessing and stuff... And that is kinda what YX does to me... XDDD On one hand, you can say it's mean of him to do so... On the other hand, it allows me to talk more about relationships with my brothers... Seeing as yes, I do understand what they are going through if they like a girl and have no idea how to tell the girl so.

And I think there's a girl that like my dearest lil' bro!! 8DDD About time too. Those two angels deserve to have someone to keep them company and to share their heart... Someone NOT family, that is. XD It's so interesting to note that both my brothers wish that they can find girls that are like me, all gutsy and crazy, and I have yet to find a single boyfriend for 20 years. =/ Talk about the ironies of life. The perfect guys I would love to have are the ones I cannot have.

I guess my brothers would like someone like me, cause they are able to be themselves around me... Hm... I seem to have that sort of effect on people... But... Being yourself means taking off certain masks that would otherwise be your little safety bubble. And I guess... Depending on the person... They would put up another mask, or take it down altogether... Or just treat me as an enemy and hope I burn in Hell... XD

Anyway, Friday I'm going to the ZOO!!! WOOH!!! I doesn't seem that keen... But too bad! F and I both want to go... So too bad!! Whee!! Can't wait!! It's gonna be one hell long day... But to spend it with my friends. ~_^ It's well worth the exhaustion. =^^=

Hm... I wonder... If I can keep a cat??? But if I stay hall (not that I think I can...), the poor cat got no one to look after it... But if I don't... Within 2 years... I'll be in China... Then what happens to the cat???

Or maybe a bird... Like a budgie or a small parrot of some sorts... But... I still don't know if I can look after it... Zzz!! DAMN SCH!!! If only you let me study from home... Then again... I'd probably WON'T study... XDDD

Back to the present?

Better than the riches of this world
Better than the sound of my friends voices
Better than the biggest dreams in my heart
And that's just the start
Better than getting what I say I need
Better than living the life that I want to
Better than the love anyone could give
Your love is

You hold me now in Your arms and never let me go

And You oh Lord made the sunshine and the moonlight and the night sky
You give me breath and all Your love
I give my heart to You
Because I can't stop falling in love with You
I'll never stop falling in love with You

Better than the riches of this world
Better than the sound of my friends voices
Better than the biggest dreams in my heart
And that's just the start
Better than getting what I say I need
Better than living the life that I want to
Better than the love anyone could give
Your love is

You hold me now in Your arms and never let me go

And You oh Lord made the sunshine and the moonlight and the night sky
You give me breath and all Your love
I give my heart to You
Because I can't stop falling in love with You
I'll never stop falling in love with You


You hold me now in Your arms and never let me go
You hold me now in Your arms and never let me go

And You oh Lord made the sunshine the moonlight and the night sky
You give me breath and all Your love
I give my heart to You
Because I can't stop falling in love with You
I'll never stop falling in love with You

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today start out with a trip to the dentist. XD I am reminded how much I really dislike the dentist... And all their pokey instruments poking around in my mouth... >.<

Anyway, today I wandered around TM with F to look for shoes. XD I wanted some sorta high-cut converse-like shoes. And there are 2 types I like, the soft-foldable ones and those hard-top ones that look boot-ish to me. (Whoever is reading this and actually understand what I'm talking about, kudos to you.)

Then we went to Toys 'R' Us and played around with all the toys there. There is some sort of device on sale that allows you to create your own crystals. 8DDD How awesome is that? Whoo~! I swear, F and I were like two 5-year-old kids wander around the place and playing around. ^-^

Then we wandered off the Tampines 1, where we ventured into the Times bookstore. And LOW AND BEHOLD!!! I found the puzzles I was looking for since after my exams!!! 8DDDD OMG!! I believe my eyes were shining cause F was giving me that "You-need-a-mental-ward" look. XD I also bought ANOTHER blank book, with the excuse that I wanted to start drawing again... Despite the fact I have... about 3-4 blank books I could use... ^^" Oh well. One more doesn't hurt anyone. Especially since they are blank!! 8DDD

This is starting to look like a really happy day for me.

So I bought 4 puzzles (whoo!!!!!) and continued on to the pet store on the top floor. Hm... There was this girl there who obviously lacks common sense, cause she was trying to touch the hamster in the store, when there was this huge sign that says "Please don't touch the hamsters as they may get bacteria from your hands".

Common sense = Knowing that the hamsters are still too young to have a proper immunity towards all the different sorts of bacteria found on people.

That wonderful girl lacks said sense. Anyway, I looked around the pet store to find stuffs for my rabbit. I plan to section out a part of the backyard so that she can roam around more freely instead of being cooped up in a cage. =( Zzz... I should do something productive like that instead of stoning in front of my com... =/

Anyway, F stayed over for dinner. 8DDD And she helped me though some stages of Prince of Persia game. God knows I am awesome with such games. Awesomely pathetic, that is. My strategy in the game? I fight.. To run away. Kudos to Jack Sparrow for that brilliant plan. XD

Ah... I miss F being here. I know I see her often... But yea yea... I'm possessive and I really enjoy her company. XD

Today is an amazing day. 8DDD And i'm so happy for it. ^-^

Back to the present?

Yay! He said no! XD Then again... I suppose my offer will still stand this time...

Back to the present?

Dear God,

I hope I'm making the right decision... I don't know if it will help... I don't know if it can solve anything... But at least it's a start...

I guess both of us, YX and me, really can't figure each other out... XD So... Sigh... This is one decision I really hate to make... And I'm freaking scared of the consequences... But... What else can I do? I really don't know... I'm not good at answering such questions on the spot... And I won't remember the questions...

So YX, if you are reading this: Do note, this is my blog. It contains my thoughts. They are biased, opinionated, not really accurate and can be hell embarrassing (to me). If anything offends you, I'm apologizing in advance.

Please do not make fun of me. >.< And if you have any questions, like you have no idea what the hell am I saying, then feel free to drop me a message or something. And I'll still answer your questions, if you want to ask any.

Back to the present?

Think about His love
Think about His goodness
Think about his grace
That's brought us through

For as high as the heavens above
So great is the measure of our Father's love
Great is the measure of our Father's love

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Today is a very emotionally tiring day. Full of ups and downs. But somehow... I won't trade this day for the world. Heck. I wish there are more days like this. Where I can go out and just be around people whom I care about. Just being around them. Listening to them, watching them play random songs on the guitar and singing along to the songs I know. It's a really wonderful time I had in cell. Haha! Mel is really a beautiful girl, both inside and out. Haha! And I wish I have some of LS's talents. She's amazing! XD I believe the guy that will be her future husband will be one lucky dude. ^-^ And Nick reminded me that I'm not the only person who struggles. Everyone struggles, one way or another... And sometimes... Little me fails to see that...

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What does it take to break a man?

For me... It seems like God is testing out all the various buttons of my life, like school, hall, family, etc. And when He finds the right one, he just presses down, long and hard. Zzz... I think that trigger of mine may very well be YX. The same way Shel is to Sam. Sigh... Sometimes... The things he does really makes me worried... Emotions are like magic swords. They can cut, they can heal. Emotions like anger and sorrow cuts. They leave scars on the heart, no matter how small... Sigh... And I have no idea how to help... You won't tell me... As for your question, how do I explain something that I myself am not sure of. It just is. It's just you. It just comes naturally... As Zackie puts it. XD

Hm... Actually, now that I compare maturity... I'm quite amazed at how mature my brothers have become... Maybe it's a sibling thing, but sometimes I am extremely grateful at how they are able to understand things I say without me needing to elaborate anything. XD I don't know... Some of my classmates are quite good at that too... >.> Am I that predictable? If so... Why doesn't he understand???

Zzz... With that said... I think I made that mistake of expecting this understanding from other people... After all... I'm not that good with words... And when the time comes for me to use it, I can never find the right words to convey what I feel or what I think... =.= And I don't work well under pressure too...

Sigh... Complications. Complications.

OTL

Also, why must there be a reason to like you? Why can't I just like you unconditionally? Regardless of how much you can hurt me, regardless of your flaws, I just do. It's simply acceptance of who you are. I'm not blind to expect something out of some stupid fairytale. I have enough wars going on at home in my life to understand fully that when you like someone, you take the good and the bad along with you. In life, there is no such thing as princes. Just the nice people, and the ones that are not so nice. And while I really do not expect anything in return, I do hope. Sadly... As my brothers say, I'm a very loving and hopeful person. Bad combination, in my opinion.

So tell me... Should I still hold on? Or should I let go? I don't know anymore... The problem is with hope, is that it is willing to hold on to the very last moment before everything comes crashing down on it. And I'm only human... I can only hope for so much for so long before the wall starts to look very attractive to my head...

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Haha! I'm staying over at my cousin's house ~ ♥ Haha! We are marathon-ing POTC!! Whee~~ For some reason, Jack Sparrow somehow reminds me of YX... Minus the swagger and the slur of course. XD Also, when we were watching the Dead Man's Chest, there was this scene where Jack shot the undead monkey to show Tia Dalma that the monkey is really undead. At that moment, the player on the right of the TV suddenly sparked orange and the whole system shut down. Inume and I were stunned. We were like "Did Jack's bullet travelled out of the TV and shot the player???!!" even though we know it was impossible. We were like O.o Hahaha! Talk about crazy coincidences.

After cell, I went back to Inume's house to continue watching At World's End. XD By the time it ended, it was 3 am!! XD Wow. But it was real nice to spend the night with my dear old Jackie~ XD Hahaha!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When God Ran
He ran to me
Held my head to His chest
Said "My son's come home again"
Lifted my face
Wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice, he said "Son, do you know I still love you?"
I saw him run to me

And I ran to Him.

Back to the present?

Zzz... Sometimes, I wonder... I really really freaking wonder...

Back to the present?

Yesterday, I had my wire removed from my toe. It was not as painful as I thought... Until I took the first step on the ground that is. Today, it's still hurting... But somehow... Through the pain, I guess being around some friends just makes it worth the while.

Today, I went out with M. XD It's amazing how enjoyable the day becomes when you spent it with someone, even if it's to run around some unknown area to meet up with M's project clients. Haha! It's a very liberating feeling... To just hang out... Without that much of a purpose... I hang out with my mom sometimes... But it's a different feeling when you are with friends...

Then we went to watch a movie. XD The Losers! Haha! It's been out since mid-May and it's probably the last time it's showing... But I'm really glad I managed to watch it with M. Haha! It is a really amusing show too. I love Cougar~ He's so cool!!! Rawr.

Then after the movie, she treated me to dinner, since she probably would be too busy with all sorts of stuffs with properly celebrate my birthday with me. And she bought me a pair of headphones too~!! God knows she knows I like all these sorts of stuffs. XD

In the midst of it all, we chatted about our friends and interests. Haha! I think she's very curious about BMS(E and I). XD I swear. She doesn't need a boyfriend or a husband. What she wants is a slave or a house-husband that obeys her every command. XD Sadly, for now, I'm the sucker that listens to her. XD Haha! And she agrees that YX is an idiot. Hahaha!

Though now that I think back... She and I are very different. It's like... BMS(I) being J's best friend. Oh the horror. Yet, both of us seem to have some sort of peace agreement. Hahaha! She also gave me some advice on how to improve my stupid chinese. XD Man... I really miss having her around in my school or in my class. Though I think how she can give BMS(I) a run for his money when it comes to mind games... @_@ Dear God, help.

She... I don't miss her as much as I would miss F or YX... But... Somehow... When I'm around her... Only then do I realise how much I miss out when she stepped out of my life, even for a moment. But I guess... It's better this way. Both of us are very different, personality-wise. Yet... Part of us are also very similar... We are both stubborn to boot, for one. XD She wants me to give up hall life, cca life, etc. and just focus on studying... But... The reason why I went Uni is more than just for a degree, so I don't think I can give it up just yet... Though if I can't stay in Hall 14, most likely, I'll give up hall life. No point, in my opinion. I'm too attached to the cheerleading team in Hall 14... If I can't stay in, I won't stay in cheerleading at all.

As for TCM... I sort of wish she's in the same course as me... Haha! I remember we used to compete for marks all the time... Maybe that's why I did relatively well for TMS. In MJC, I just drowned everything in studies. So no surprise about my grades.

But now that I'm in Uni... I realise I miss out quite a big part of life that I felt that I should have learnt before... Somewhere... And while it may be a little late to learn it... I still want to... So sorry, M. I cannot forsake everything for studies just yet...

And sorry M, it'll take a while to give up YX. It seems... Whenever my emotions are involved... I can no longer be as objective as I want to. Because no matter how much I tell myself otherwise... In the end, I'll only end up at the same conclusion. And PLZ stop trying to match-make me with random people from my class that I tell you about... =.= A teacher/lecturer you may be, a love guru you are NOT. XD But it was really fun to hang out with you... And I missed that. And I'm glad I got to see you again, after... 6 months... XD Oops? Haha!

It's the little things like these, just being in your presence, that somehow makes life seem a whole lot brighter.

Back to the present?

Talk about nightmares... I think I have yet to convince my subconscious that I DO NOT want to miss YX..

Last night, I was quite tired... And I literally just plopped myself down on the bed and I was out like a light. And I had one of the oddest dream ever.

In the dream, YX came over to my house for some reason which I forgot... I remembered it has something to do with my brother's room... I was talking to him about said reason, and I think he was staying for the night, cause somehow, a mattress magically appeared in my room. So I told him somewhere along the lines of "You can sleep on the mattress, or on the bed." (By the way, my bed is queen-sized, and is definitely big enough to fit two people.) And he dumped his bag on the bed. Then we went to my brother's room to accomplish whatever reason he was here for... And then... I woke up... Cause my mom was calling my maid from 3 storeys up... Zzz... That's the first time I actually had a dream about YX. Zzz...

It seems while my conscious mind has picked up on the fact that I want to let him go, my subconscious mind is still quite hung up over him... Zzz!!! Mind over matter. Mind over matter. NOT WORKING.

Zzz... My mom says I'm head over heels with that idiot... I think she's right... But then again... Letting go is always the hardest part... Especially someone whom you consider a friend... But sometimes... I have no choice but to do so... After all, holding on when the other party doesn't quite care is a very painful ordeal...

Part of me, the subconscious part, is very excited and looking forward to the day we go to the Universal Studios... Maybe then I can see YX again... XD Sigh... I'm too hopeful for my own good... Maybe I shouldn't have bothered in the first place... But if I didn't bother, I wouldn't grow... Sigh... Life's dilemmas.. Always annoying but you can't do without them...

Back to the present?