Today's sermon talks about the type of people God find favour in... One of the last points of the sermon is that when God is in work, there is no such things as accidents, only God-ordained purposes. And now I'm wondering... What is God's purpose for putting me in TCM, when He knows it's my weakest subject?

I'm in the midst of the battle between letting go and holding on... The things I can't let go... And I do not know why. Like for YX, I know I should let go... But my heart isn't letting go despite whatever my head says... I says that my words are now contradicting my actions... Zzz... I don't see the contradiction... But I saw his point... Verbally, intellectually, I know I should let go. But somehow... My actions still tries to keep him close. I mean... I don't want to lose him as a friend... But I guess I'm still keeping him close because I can't let go yet... Zzz! WHY WHY WHY. It's not like I'm asking him out... All I did was ask him if he was willing to celebrate my birthday with me, together with my friends. After all... I haven't seen him since... Exams started... Sigh... So what's so wrong with that???

And also about TCM... With my grades, I should just let go and take BS... But... Somehow, I have this feelings I should stay... And overcome this weakness of mine... Zzz... Could be my dad trying to brainwash me again... But... I don't know... I don't even know what I want anymore...

Zzz...

As for hall... I'm asking as much people as I know for help... D says she may know someone... or two... XD Haha! We agreed if either one of us gets a hall, we'll squat with each other... Haha! And if neither of us gets hall... ;_; We shall... KIDNAP A JCRC MEMBER AND BLACKMAIL FOR ONE!! MWHAHAHA! XD And if both of us gets our desired hall, I'm buying us drinks! ~_^ Haha! Aw... I guess one of the reasons why I DON'T want to give TCM up is because... Of all the friends and the people I met here... I can still see them in BS... But it's not the same...

Sigh... I'm missing the guys from cheerleading as well... Not just YX anymore... Keep reminiscing about the trainings we had and the time we spent cooking up crap and just hanging out... Sometimes... I wish the holidays will end just so I can see them again... Sigh... I think... If my dad ever bans my friends from coming over... I think I will just go crazy and die here.

Back to the present?

DAMN DAMN DAMN!!! My lovely GPA went from 4.04 to 2.94. KUSO!!! Why? Because of my freaking weakness. My stupid chinese pulled everything down!! ZZZZ!!! WHAT AM I DOING WITH THIS???! WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??? WHY??!

I TRIED!! I REALLY TRIED!! AND ALL I GOT WAS A FREAKING D FOR IT!! WTF!! WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING THIS FOR???

It's so much easier to just drop the stu[id TCM module and just go for single degree. At least, for that, I can get Honours. But... For some reason... I really don't want to drop it... It's given to me by God. HE ENTRUSTED ME WITH THIS! And what did I do? I screwed it up. I know I'm better than this... SO WHY AM I STILL LIKE THAT!!!

Forget about Dad or Mom being disappointed... I MYSELF will be damned if I let this stay this way... All because I wanted to find out more about life... More about just studying... Well... I got it. At a freaking high price...

I'm such an idiot...

Hey God, I'm sorry. I screwed up... I did this for you... But... With my results... Not even I can be proud of myself... Much less you... I need to study harder... For the sake of pleasing you... I know you don't look at results... But to give you this results... This CRAP results... Not even I will be satisfied...

I WILL work harder... I MUST work harder... To get a result even someone like me can be proud of...

Back to the present?

I love to be in your presence
With your people singing praises

I love to stand and rejoice
Lift my hands and raise my voice

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Haha! YES! YX didn't say no! XD Actually, I doubt he would say no. But then again he didn't say yes... XD
Maybe I'm just being too hopeful. And sorry I. I really tried giving him up... But sadly, my heart ain't ready to let him go just yet... Sigh... With time, with time.

But for now, I'll just enjoy as much time as I can spend with him... (Which is not a lot anyway)

Sigh... I do not know what the future holds... And part of me is questioning and questioning... But somehow... A part of me also knows that He that holds tomorrow, also holds my hand.

I guess I have to play it out... And see where the Lord of the future takes me...

I hope those in Malaysia right now are doing ok...

Back to the present?

I really hope you can be there. For me. But... I also know... Sometimes things don't turn out the way I would like it to be. Heck. It never does. This day... Was never something important to me... But somehow... All of a sudden... There is an importance to it. And I want you to be there.

Then again... With so many things unconfirmed, I can't give you the exact details either... And I know you're not like them, who gave me their promises to spend the day with me... Because I know you're not like that. I... Never had that privilege... But it's just me being selfish... To hope for something like that... Maybe one day, I'll meet someone who will care for me as much as I will care for him... But for now... Woe to me, you're that person...

So I really hope you can make it... I really hope so...

I wonder... If I hope... If I pray hard enough... Will it come true?

I don't know... I stop believing in such miracles a long time ago...

Back to the present?

La la la~ everybody get 'em high
It's the Big to the Bang that's why
And we won't stop - movin' movin'
La la la~ everybody get 'em high
It's the Big to the Bang that's why
And we won't stop - movin' movin' movin'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just watch the documentary on how Big Bang was created. OMG. I can totally identify with some of their struggles. The difference is that I gave up, they didn't. After all, mine was only a CCA, but to them, it's their whole life. Maybe that explains the difference in attitude towards the struggles. Looks like even though I'm technically considered an adult within a month's time, I still have a lot to learn about life.

I never got the chance to apologise to my dance instructor... I mean... She scared me. She really did. And I did lose all self-confidence and nearly went to depression... But... I should have been stronger. I should have understood. Because I didn't understand... It had caused both of us quite a bit of grief and a hell lot of headache. I didn't know... And I guess I let myself get in the way...

Now another obstacle has came up... And I'm still looking for the easy way out... But I have quite a number of alternatives... And I do not know what to choose... God help me. However small this decision may seem... It still means something to me... So please help me find an answer that I will not regret...

Back to the present?

Jeo haneure hansumeul baetji,
Ppalgan noeuri nune deureowanna bwa
Jakku dakkado meomchuji anko
Chamabwado apeugo apa

Naega jalmotdoemyeon neo ttaemuninji ara
Nal mangchige han wonin moduda neonikka

Dareun sarameul manna bulhaenghae jugenni
Gidohaejul teni,

Jiugo jiwonaego gyeote inneun geotman gata
Neomaneun jeoldae mot ijeul geot gata
Beoryeojin seontaek modu kkeuchinde
Meongcheonghan babora nal yokhae neoreul saranghan joein

Geu nugunga jigeum ni gyeote
Na daesin utgo inneun saram I
(Naboda eolmana jallatgillae)
Neobakke moreudeon nal tteona wae

Naega jalmotdoemyeon neo ttaemuninji ara
Nal mangchige han wonin moduda neonikka

Dareun sarameul manna bulhaenghae jugenni
Gidohae jul teni,

Jiugo jiwonaego gyeote inneun geotman gata
Neomaneun jeoldae mot ijeul geot gata
Beoryeojin seontaek modu kkeuchinde
Meongcheonghan babora nal yokhae
Neoreul saranghan joein

Jinaganeun sigan jeomjeom meoreojineun neo
Bulleodo bojiman doraboji annneun neo

Neoe geu ireumi neoe geu ipsuri
Nal gadun nal mukkeun gamokgwado gatji

(Yeongwonhi) neoreul pyeongsaeng wonmanghal geot gata
Urie maengse uimi eomneun huhoe
Oneuldo bamsae dwicheogyeo bone
Meongcheonghan babora nal yokhae neoreul saranghan joein

Niga gyeote inneun geotman gata
Neomaneun jeoldae mot ijeul geot gata
Beoryeojin seontaek modu kkeuchinde
Meongcheonghan babora nal yokhae
Neoreul saranghan joein

Gyeote (inneun geotman gata)
Jeoldae (mot ijeul geot gata)
Seontaek (modu kkeuchinde)
Neoreul saranghan joein
Neoreul saranghan joein
Neoreul saranghan joein

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah hell. Fine. I won't bother you anymore. I'll just kill this freaking heart of mine so that those stupid feelings can just shut the hell up. Sorry for wondering about you. Sorry for liking you. Sorry for being a burden. Just... sorry for everything. Sorry for not letting go. Sorry for being selfish. Sorry for being human. etc.

I need to get out of this place before I lose my mind.

Back to the present?

Haruedo myeot beonssik neol bomyeo useo nan
Su baek beon malhaetjanha you're the love of my life
Geojitdoen sesang sok buranhan nae mamsok
Ojik na mitneun geon neo hana ppunirago
Gakkeum nae mam byeonhalkka bwa buranhaehal ttaemyeon
Useumyeo malhaetjanha geureol il eopdago
Kkeuteomneun banghwang sok teong bin nae gaseumsok
Naega gidael goseun neo hanappun ijiman
Gakkeumssik heundeullineun nae jasini miwo
Oneuldo nan isesange hwipsseullyeo salmyeosi neol jiwo

Naega baram pyeodo neoneun jeoldae pijima baby
Naneun neoreul ijeodo neon nareul itjima lady
Gakkeum naega yeollagi eopgo sureul masyeodo
Hoksi naega dareun eotteon yeojawa
Jamsi nuneul matchwodo neon naman barabwa

Oneulbamdo jisaemyeo nal gidaryeotdago
Nunmullo naege malhae byeonhan geot gatdago
Neol hyanghan nae mamdo cheoeumgwa gatdago
Sueobsi dallaemyeo jinaeon manheun bamdeul
Niga eobsineun nan neomu himdeul geot gatjiman
Ttaeron neoro inhae sumi makhyeo nan
Kkeuteomneun datum sok ginagin hansum sok
Niga gidael goseun na hanappun ijiman

Niga gwichanhajineun nae jasini miwo
Oneuldo nan useumyeo nado mollae jasineul irheo

Naega baram pyeodo neoneun jeoldae pijima baby
Naneun neoreul ijeodo neon nareul itjima lady
Gakkeum naega yeollagi eopgo sureul masyeodo
Hoksi naega dareun eotteon yeojawa
Jamsi nuneul matchwodo neon naman barabwa

Naega igijeogiran geol nan neomu jal ara
Nan maeil muuimihan sigan soge
Ireoke deoreophyeojijiman baby
Neomaneun eonjena sunsuhage namgil barae
Ige nae jinsimingeol neol hyanghan mideumingeol
Jugeodo nal tteonajima

Naega baram pyeodo neoneun jeoldae pijima baby
Naneun neoreul ijeodo neon nareul itjima lady
Gakkeum naega yeollagi eopgo sureul masyeodo
Hoksi naega dareun eotteon yeojawa
Jamsi nuneul matchwodo neon naman barabwa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wishing for the impossible... Yet my heart refuses to listen... And keeps yearning. I hate the fact that I miss you so. I hate that I need you in my life. I hate... I hate my heart... For falling for you. But what's done is done. You asked me once, and I rejected. Because it isn't fair... Both for you and me... Yet, a part of me wants you to ask again. Now that I know my answer. But I'm still afraid... I'm so fricking afraid... That I hate the nights when I think of you. Because you're all that's running through my mind.

Haha! Actually, Taeyang's "Make Love" fits my mood better than this song. Except just change all the "girl" to "guy". Haha! But... For some reason... This song fits the situation better... Should the other girl say yes to you... Heck. I think this will be my song for quite a while then... The day I see your FB status turn to "in a relationship"... And I know it's not with me... I think I'm gonna cry... But I'll be damned if I ever let you see them.

Sigh... I'm freaking lovesick. But my mind is in denial, and my heart is trying to drill that fact into my skull. I didn't want this... Damn you for being so... eye-catching. (Your personality I mean) Sigh... I dunno. I just really wish to see you again... I miss I and F too... ;_; Zzz... Sometimes... I really hate myself for being human...

Dear God... Why can't you just make me into some animal... At least I don't have to worry about a thing... All things are provided for by you; I eat, I sleep, I mate, I give birth and I die. Simple life. With a mind, with a choice... Us humans will just complicate stuffs... And make the wrong choices, suffer the consequences, and repeat. Sigh... Sometimes I really wonder Lord... I really wonder...

Back to the present?

Sowing with sorrow
Reaping with joy

God, will you bring out the Sun after the Rain?
Because I really need the Sun to shine down on me again.

Today's cell brought on many interesting topics which I had no time to reflect. WR was talking about faith. And how difficult it is to justify faith to the pre-believers. N says we are justified through faith and by faith. But to the pre-believers, it's harder to justify our faith to them. And I sort of understand that. After all, I have been in quite a few debates with I and F about religion and let's just say getting them to believe is much harder than breaking rocks with my bare fists.

Faith is believing without seeing. But for those who only believe what they can see, hear, feel, etc; how do we convince them that faith and God exists? The only way then, is to let God work in their lives to the point where they cannot deny God anymore, because there is no longer any logical explanation for their experiences. Faith itself is irrational. But it's there. To those who have experienced things, they cannot deny it. I guess... There is no way to really explain it. Though I quite like the way WR puts it. To talk to them about faith itself without explicitly talking about Christianity. There may be a concern about lukewarmness, but to be too passionate may only chase people away from God instead of bringing them closer.

There has to be a balance somewhere.

If you ask me... I have no idea how to explain faith to I or F or even YX. But I do know my faith. I know that however small it is in my life, it will never flicker away. After all, in my dull, dark life, it's probably the only light that I have that can still make me smile and make me feel safe. YX makes me smile too, but the safety factor... Will take time to develop.

I wonder if I actually can hang out with YX. Dunno if he is keen... Zzz. Can't tell what the hell is he thinking... Sigh... Looks like there's still lots of pieces that I need to fix for this guy... In the end... I wonder if I will actually know him... I don't think he puts on a mask. But he definitely will hide parts of himself. The same way I hide parts of myself too. Sigh... Part of him is like me. Those parts are easy to fix... But then again... We are not identical, and it's those different parts that seem to be like mine that makes it difficult to piece... Zzz... Sigh... Figuring out the person you care about the most, is both thrilling and challenging. Because there is no way feelings will not be involved. And that just screws up the picture more...

Ah heck. Enough with these thoughts. My brain's dying already.

Back to the present?

Lemme emo here. Zzz. I miss you, you idiot. Wish I could see you again. Wondering how you are. I want to just watch you... YES I'M A STALKER. DEAL WITH IT. At night... The thoughts just won't leave. Yet, I don't want to bother you. I am such an idiot. I think I've established that many times. But I really need to remind myself that. Because the things I do sometimes... ^^"

Hey, YX. Only Look At Me. I wish for that. But somehow... I know... I'm asking for the impossible.

Back to the present?

Morning: Explosive fight
Afternoon: Cold War
Evening: Make peace

Repeat cycle.

This is the current summary of my life with my dad. (Not in that order)

Trying to maintain the peace in the family. If I don't talk to him much... It's ok I guess... But how long can this last? I have no idea. One of us is gonna break the peace soon anyway. Ah heck.

YX came back today!!! Actually, he just came back. I'm glad he's ok. ^^" And it seems my recent sms to him made him worry. Oops? XD But I'm really happy to hear his voice again. Haha! Damn. I really missed him. ^^" His japan trip sounds really fun! I WANNA GO~~~ Haha! Can't wait to watch a movie with him. =^^= I really miss seeing him. Sigh... I'm hopeless. But for now... I suppose I should let hm rest... After all, it's tiring everytime I come back from overseas. Don't see why he should be any different.

Big Bang is my latest drug. Now that it's without exams, I can watch all their concert videos. And OMG are they hot~~!!

Ah heck. My mind is so divided at the moment. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I can't even think straight... Staying at home too long does things to your head. Zzz.

Back to the present?

Letting you go...(here's somebody...)
Letting you go...(here's somebody...)
Yo I got this, yeah
still thinking about this thing alot
you got me shaken up
(Please tell me there's a way)
And it got my head just spinnin' round round round round
(Please tell me there's a way)
Don't wanna take a fall
It's best to break it up
It's gonna be better for you, move on
(Please tell me there's a way)
Uh huh we break it break it
Or thought we make it make it
And now we cover it up

Girl I swear kimi no koto wo ichibyou demo
kanashimasenai yakusoku
mamoru tame ni wa mo
Mou koreshika erabu michi wa nai kara

Baby aimini coopera bun dake kizutsuketeshimau
and I've got nothing, nothing to say

Tell me goodbye, tell me goodbye
dakishimeta te wo
Tell me goodbye, tell me goodbye
hanasou
boku wo wasureru koto ni jiyuu ni naru nara Baby
Tell me goodbye, tell me goodbye

girl you know kimi ga egao wo
nakumini coopereku hodo boku wa jibun wo semeru yo
nego kotoba mo hikari sae mo
nanimokamo miushinau

Baby kondo kuchibiru ga hanareta shunkan
I'll never find better, better than you

Tell me goodbye, tell me goodbye
dakishimeta te wo
Tell me goodbye, tell me goodbye
hanasou
soba ni iru koto dake ga yasashisa janai to Baby
Tell me goodbye, tell me goodbye

Yo and it's so, so
Sad it just ain't happening
Wish it could be better
Sorry to scrapping
But I just can't let ya
To be less than happy
I said look at me
I couldn't live with myself seeing you lacking
The things you deserve
Baby you was superb
Best believe that it hurts
That bleeds this word
I feel the aching through my body
it just takes a bigger part of me
to be let you go
I wish that weren't so

kimi no koe setsunaku fade away...away-ay-ay-ay
kaze ni kakikesareteyuku stay...stay-ay-ay-ay

kore ijou wa I can't take it, sono namida don't cry for me
kimi no tame never look back again

Tell me goodbye, tell me goodbye
dakishimeta te wo
Tell me goodbye, tell me goodbye
hanasou
soba ni iru koto dake ga yasashisa janai to Baby
Tell me goodbye, tell me goodbye
Tell me goodbye

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sigh... Was on FB, and one of the ACES people who went to Japan uploaded some photos. YX was in some of those photos... And when I saw them... I guess it just hit me how much I actually miss him. Distracting myself helped. At least I can forget about him for those few minutes or hours. But now... When I see his picture... I guess... It reminds me... Of how much I actually like him... Damn... I haven't missed anyone this much since I went JC and never saw F for 2 years... Ah heck. My emotions are out of whack. Please stand by for repair.

I give up on my dad. I know he's going through a tough time. But dude! Seriously! You woke me up at 7.55 am!! I FRICKING CHECKED THE TIME!!! So wonderful that you don't even believe your own daughter's words. And you expect strangers to trust you. Right. Ah hell. Fine. Disown me if you want. Don't believe me if you want. I give up. I should have expected this. After all, if you take your anger out on us all the time, why should I expect your stress or sorrow to be any different? I just keep hoping you would learn how badly you affect us. But no, you never do. You always say you will, but you never do. If I can't even have a decent conversation with you without you jumping at my throat and vice versa, then I won't say a word anymore. For the sake of peace in the family, I won't.

I want to leave. Leave this stupid place you stay. Haha. And you wonder what the hell happened to all the confidence I had when I was a child... Open your fricking eyes! You happened.

I says I shouldn't let it get to me. I'm trying not to. But you are my F***ing FATHER!! How can I not be affected? How can I not care? Zzz. Can't wait to go school again. At least then, I'm away from you. Sigh... I think... For my sanity's sake... I really shouldn't care anymore. At least then, my own father can't hurt me anymore. God... What the hell should I do???

Zzz... I hope I can still smile that silly smile of mine by the time I go back to school... Haha! Should be able to. BMS(I) can make anyone laugh. XD Sigh... Looks like I need to be stronger. Strong enough to take my dad's words, and not feel hurt anymore. Strong enough to stand on my own two feet if I were to be kicked out. I know I can do this. But... It will break my heart... Ah heck. It's already broken. Why bother fixing it, if that man is going to break it all over again? I'm not going to care. I don't want to care anymore.

P.S. YX looks fricking HOT in black. Don't ask why. I think I'm biased. =^^=

Back to the present?

Ah heck. I forgot there's a hall application fee. And since it's past the deadline, my hall application is considered void. Yay. To hell with it. I don't give a damn anymore. I'm just waiting for the f***ing spiral to stop going down.

For some reason, I'm struggling with my own crazy emotions right now. It is getting more and more chaotic nowadays. I wonder why. Just want to thank God for I. He's a really good help to have. Now I can see why F likes him so much. I'm glad that he's a friend.

Packed my clothes a little and threw all the stupid boxes outside. I don't care. I'm packing it my way. Zzz... If I don't pack, my Dad's not happy. If I pack, he's still not happy with the way I pack. THEN WHY THE HELL DO YOU KEEP ASKING ME TO PACK?! Zzz. And my foot hurts you idiot. Zzz. Can't you wait until the stupid toe heals at least? No, you can't. You expect all of us to function to your stupid will. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WE ARE NOT YOUR SLAVES OR ROBOTS!!! WE GET INJURED. WE NEED REST. LIKE ALL HUMANS, WE PROCRASTINATE TOO. So you are allowed to slack off and procrastinate, we can't. Isn't that so hypocritical of you? And yet, you demand perfection from us. Finally, at the end of everything, you wonder why Mom leaves the house. Sometimes, I really wish to leave the house too. Just to get away from you.

So if I don't pack my room, I'm grounded. For goodness sake, I'm 20, not 5. Even if I want to go out, you no longer have the rights to stop me anymore. If you want to disown me, go ahead. I'll leave by myself first, thank you very much. I can stay at Inume's house, provided Aunt S doesn't mind me... XD Since I'm such a burden to you, I can exit your life. Better yet, you go back to China and stop bothering us.

Ah hell... I hate masks. Maybe that's why most of my friends don't usually put on a mask. I can't stand it. Trying to know a person... Only to realise that person is not the person you thought he would be after all.

And the place I loved to call home... Is now a war zone. Except the battles are never on the outside. It's all spy-work and inner conflicts and betrayals.

This house was more like a home without Dad. And I think... That's a truly sad fact... That the person God appointed to be Head... Is the one to take away what it truly means to have a home.

Back to the present?

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And I would wish for you to be by my side. I would wish you could be mine. I would wish I could see you again. I would wish I can visit your room again. I would wish to watch you play the guitar. I would wish I could play or fool around with you like we used to. I wish you could forget the other girl. I wish... I just wish... to be yours.

I wish to let go. But I can't.

Zzz... Somehow... All my distractions end up being linked back to you somehow some way. I have no idea. Damn. I'm such a pitiful idiot. Why am I not smart enough to like someone who will actually like me back? Why, why do I always end up liking all the IDIOTS in the world...?

Sigh... The more I wish you would disappear... The more I wish to see you again. This is so annoying. I don't want to miss you. I don't want to see you again. I don't even want to think of you anymore... Sadly, the realistic side of me won't let me stay idealistic.

I wish I could let you go. But for now... I'm too addicted. And I'm currently suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

Back to the present?

You taught me how to ride a bike
Tie my shoes and fly a kite
How to swim, and how to fish
To see a star and make a wish
Said it‘s okay to make mistakes
Just don‘t get stuck in yesterday
Forgive, forget, and move ahead
Because life is what you make of it
Now You‘re gone, and all I have
Are memories I hold deep
But if I‘m quiet, I hear you‘re voice
Still ringing in my ears

Saying live with no excuses
Love with no regrets
Laugh a lot and leave this life
With nothing left unsaid
Make this world a better place
Don‘t be afraid to cry
And when it‘s finally time, to say goodbye
Nothing to prove, nothing to lose
Nothing to hide

You see, life can not be measured by
The place you live, the car you drive
The thing that counts the day you die
Is who you are, and what‘s inside
So tell the truth, don‘t ever lie
Integrity at any price
Your words, your bond, your highest price
So guard it close, and live your life
So many things, I learned from you
Bout῾ life and love and play,
But I learned more by how you lived
Then what I heard you say

So I live with no excuses
And I love with no regrets
I laugh a lot, and I leave this life
With nothing left unsaid
Make this world a better place
Don‘t be afraid to cry
And when it‘s finally time, to say goodbye
And when it‘s finally time, to say goodbye
And when it‘s finally time, to say goodbye
There‘s nothing to prove, nothing to lose
Nothing to hide

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of all the songs you would fall in love with, it's the very same song I want to hear. But I think this song speaks a lot about life. The kind of life I want to lead. One with no regrets, nothing left unsaid. Nothing to prove, nothing to lose, nothing to hide.

We ain't getting out of life alive anyway. So I will laugh a lot, and I won't be afraid to cry. After all, without the tears, can there still be laughter? It was through a lot of tears, that I finally learnt how to open myself up. It was through a lot of tears, I hear the soft voice of God. It was through a lot of tears, that I learn more about life and people. So why am I so afraid of my own tears?

I guess it's a sign of weakness... I don't want to be weak in your eyes. I am your little girl after all. I want to show you that I have grown up. That I can look after myself, despite what you say. I can. If you stop focusing on all my imperfections, I'm sure you will see that I am no longer the little baby you once held in your arms anymore. I can look after myself. You were never really around to guide me anyway. God has, and always will be, my guide. So don't worry. I'll be safe in His Hands.

And I'll live with no excuses, and love with no regrets. Even if my heart gets broken... Even if I'm afraid... God will be there to hold my hand and wipe away my tears. And I'll look back one day and smile. So don't worry. Stop worrying. I'll be fine.

Back to the present?

Verse 1:
Almighty God, The Great I Am,
Immovable Rock, Omnipotent, Powerful,
Awesome Lord.
Victorious Warrior, Commanding King of Kings,
Mighty Conqueror and the only time,
The only time I ever saw him run,
Was when...

He ran to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to His chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice He said
"Son, do you know I still love You?"

He caught me By surprise, When God ran...

Verse 2:
The day I left home,
I knew I'd broken His heart.
And I wondered then, if things could ever be the same.
Then one night,
I remembered His love for me.
And down that dusty road, ahead I could see,
It was the only time,
It was the only time I ever saw Him run.
And then...

He ran to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to His chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice He said
"Son, do you know I still love You?"

He caught me by surprise.
And He brought me to my knees.
When God ran... I saw Him run to me.

Bridge:
I was so ashamed, all alone, and so far away.
But now I know, that He's been waiting for this day...

I saw Him run to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice
I felt his love for me again.

He ran to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice
He said "Son"
He called me Son.
He said "Son, do you know I still love You?"
He ran to me
And then I ran to Him
When God ran

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a very apt song for the Parable of the Lost Son. I agree that it will catch me by surprise... Should I ever see God run to me... I mean... I know he loves me... But I also know how much I have hurt him. I have let him down again and again. As the song says, He is God. He is Almighty, the Lord of Lords, King of Kings. And he ran to me. I can't believe it... I know it. But somehow, the concept just can't wrap itself around my head.

But the thing that touches me the most in this song, is the last part. Where I, too, ran to Him. It's a reminder. That no matter how much I want to control my life, how much I want to look after myself, to prove that I do not need God's worry and concern, etc... Deep inside of me, should I ever see God running to me, I would run to Him as well... Because this is what I ultimately desire in this whole world. After all, even if I walk my path, I keep searching for pieces that can connect me to God. YX, F, I, D, etc. They all have that difference that I see in God as well. It's the same difference I see in my brothers, I see in my dad, I see in my mom. And I... I loved that difference. Because it reminded me of the God I loved so much. My heart knows the difference, but my head can't. That's why... I know... I know I like you (YX), but I can't put it in words. Because there is no words for it.

After all... How do I describe God's difference to the world? It's just there. I can see it, I can feel it. But I can't tell you about it. Because the world cannot see it like I see it, and the world cannot feel it like I feel it. So how can I tell you what I see and what I feel, if it technically does not exist in this world?

I guess... This is the difference between my head and my heart. Somehow... The distance is too large... And I have difficulty reconciling them. But if I listen to my heart, I would know. The things I need to know, the answers I have been looking for. It has always been there. It's just that my head constantly obstructs me.

For my answer to YX, should he ask, I know now that I would say yes. It will be as Inume says it would be. It would be like dancing on broken glass: Dangerous, painful and stupid. But I know, should I say no, I would regret it, wondering all the "could have" and "may have", and so on so forth. My head is just afraid... Of the hurt I would have should I say yes... But if I don't say yes, I can't learn... And this is one of the many lessons in life, I can't learn from a book. I have to experience it to know it. Otherwise, all I will be is a hypocrite...

I guess we all want to be safe, to stay safe, to feel safe, to the extent that we will not step out of this safe zone, for fear of getting hurt... It's much like the comfort zone, except while exiting the comfort zone only results in discomfort for a while, at least until I get used to it; exiting this safe zone means I am willingly putting either my mental, emotional or physical safety in danger. Physical, I'm ok with it. After all, all physical wounds heal eventually. But the mental and emotional ones don't... Especially since I don't let go easily... The pain will linger for a hell long time... With YX, I don't want HIM to be the one to hurt me... But in the end, the only ones who can hurt you, are the ones who do.

Sigh... But for the moment, I'll just live in it. Laugh it off, and hopefully, smile whenever I can look back on them.

Back to the present?

Last night's DnD was really fun! XD We had some really outrageous outfits, including a cat suit and a corset dress. XD The comm dressed up as the characters of Alice in Wonderland, with a few variations... For one, no sane Alice goes around swapping hair pieces... XD Anyway, our mismatched team were really wonderful. The MCs were hilarious and charismatic. The food was nice too... Except I can't really eat the spicy food.. >.<

The videos were awesome too! E,D and JH really did an awesome job! I wished I had helped out more... But my STUPID toe... ;_; Sigh.. But the whole programme was really fun. This time, the comm actually had time to sit down and eat. XD We also had lots of photo-taking sessions to just spam the camera button. Haha! The people were also quite sporty. They willingly played some of PF's crazy games without much complaints. ^-^ Then, there was a dance item, which was quite cool. And this guy, A, who played the guitar and sung. OMG. I wanted to know the japanese song he was singing... But apparently, no one knew what it was... It sounded very familiar somehow though...

Although my toe was hurt, I think I had a really great time there. =^^= The one thing that kept running through my head, though, was "I wish YX was here..." I guess... I would really like to have celebrated something like that with YX... Though... I don't know if he would want to... Haha... He's enjoying his time in Japan though. XD Ah hell... I need to work on letting go...

------------------------------------------------

I and F came over to stay for a night on Wed. They got me hooked on FB's Ninja Warz. XD Haha! It's a really addictive game, with lots of things to do. AND IT'S NINJAS!!! Zac broke my combat streak... ;_; Stupid brother. Anyway, now that I have nothing much to do in particular, might as well OWN the games in FB. XD

Back to the present?

Idiot. I was just teasing you. Why are you so sensitive all of a sudden??? Now, just because of a joke, you threaten to disown me. WTH?!?! And I can't even tell if you are joking or not. Because first of all, you (like YX) don't know how your words can affect others. And second, you are too manipulative for me to even guess your intent. The scary part is, you didn't even laugh it off. I can't tell where you mean it or not... But for the love of God and all things holy, I SERIOUSLY hope you are joking...

Dad. When will you ever stop manipulating my feelings so that I know the decisions I make are from me, and not from you. You always want me to grow up independent and stuffs. But you keep twisting my ambition, twisting my words, and my feelings to the point I don't even know what I want anymore. I know what you want though. How ironic.

BMS(I) says at least I have good parents. Yes, you do have your good points. You do take care of us. But sometimes... You manipulate all three of us to the point where I'm lost. My brothers solve this by having one goal and they go all out to get it. But for me, it's different. For some reason, you keep twisting my goals round and round, until I do not know where to go or what to do anymore. You keep blowing up things that are small, and downplaying things that should have your focus.

I really do not know how to handle you anymore. If I can't joke with you, if you take my teasing so seriously, then how am I going to talk to you anytime?? And then you wonder why I don't tell you stuffs... You idiot. If you can get your stupid brain off work and focus on the things around you, you'd realise it has never been you who has been supporting the family. It has always been mom. We are her pillars should she fall. Even financially, now mom holds more power than you.

God made you head, not so that you can be some dictator or some tyrant in the family. It means God trust you to have a clear mind and entrust the well-being of the family into your hands. Whenever you fall, God himself will give you strength and help support the family. God has been doing more than His fair bit... When will you realise that to be a better father, you have to learn to be a better person? Not for us, then for God. He is waiting, and so are we.

Back to the present?

All the way my Savior leads me;
Cheers each winding path I tread,
Gives me grace for every trial,
Feeds me with the living Bread.

You lead me and keep me from falling.
You carry me close to Your heart.
And surely Your goodness and
Mercy will follow me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The irony of life is just when I decide to let him go, he keeps returning in my mind. CAN'T YOU STUPID BRAIN CELLS GO ON ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE?!?!?! Anyway... Now, it's not really a matter of choice... After all, he's flying off to JAPAN. I'm glad for him... And a little jealous... After all, it is one of my dreams to go Japan... Even if it's just to see it a little... ... Actually. I just miss talking to him. Talk about being addicted. I'm such an idiot.

I'm bored. Bored. BORED. At first, in school, I was bored of studying. Now I'm just plain bored. Read finished GetBackers. (OMGOMGOMG!!! GINJIGINJIGINJI ♥♥♥♥♥) Now reading FMA. Zzz... I wish I have puzzles to build... I miss building them since school started... Hm... Depending on when... >D Looks like i may be able to see YX off after all... Heh heh heh...

Back to the present?

Today's a really busy day.

First we went to church. 8D Haven't been to church last week, thanks to my wonderful toe. Then we went to watch Iron Man 2. ^-^ I watched Ip Man 2 yesterday. OMG!!! IP MAN 2 OWNS~~~!! If you want to compare, Ip Man 2 is the one that takes me on an emotional rollercoaster, going high with the people, anxious with the fights, and grinning like an idiot after the fight, especially at the end. XD Iron Man 2 was nice too. But somehow, Ip Man 2 leaves a stronger, more lasting impact compared to Iron Man 2. Maybe's because I'm biased cause I learnt wushu before. ^^" Haha!

It seems like I'm pretty much free from DnD stuffs due to my toe... I can't travel back and forth from school. Heck, even staying on my feet for about an hour makes my foot ache. Stupid toe. Why did you have to break when the car ran over you? Anyway, I can walk. Just not too much. Don't wanna damage my toe permanently. Zzz. That being said. I'm so gonna contradict myself later on.

After church, I went home to rest. And some of my dear cell members came to visit me. =^^= Hm... My main problem with my cell is that I dunno how to connect with them... I have no idea how to talk to them... >.< Other than church and topics on Christianity, I have NOTHING to say to them... And sometimes, they can express words better than me... I'm quite lousy with words... Sigh... They are dear and all... But being with them only makes me realise how different I am from the others. And sometimes it's nice to stand out, especially if the people you hang out with are a rather cheery bunch... But... Sometimes... You just wish to blend in, only to realise that you are just too different.

Anyway, now having dinner with my extended family. As usual, Dad over-ordered the food, Sam and Grandma are kinda drunk (why am I NOT surprised...?), my little cousin is being annoying, etc. Zzz. Don't get me wrong. I love my family. I just tend to "hermit" myself in my room whenever they appear. XD Don't ask why.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday, I and F came over. Yay! And I helped re-bandage my toe. Apparently, my bandaging skills sucks like hell. XD Then we talked about absolutely nothing in particular, discuss the fighting styles in Ip Man 2, etc. Then we had a lightstick party, where we just crack the lightsticks in my room and play around, doing silly/perverted/dumb stuffs. Didn't want them to leave, but I know they can't stay either... >.< Maybe I really should work on my possessive problem... XD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I realised something about YX. He's not really sensitive... As in, he doesn't really care how his actions affect others. I guess I can understand why... After all, I was just like that too before Uni. It's just that the world is so full of facades that to keep caring when they themselves act as if they don't care is not just annoying, it's also very tiring. But after a while... I realise they do care... They just afraid of showing it. After all the society already has all sorts of labels prepared for them if they do. Soft, pussy, weak, petty, etc. People don't forge masks just because they like it. They forge masks to hide all their imperfections, their weaknesses, and the darkness within them.

Anyway, I guess it's due to this insensitivity which is the reason why I calls YX an ass****. To me, he's just an idiot. ... An idiot I have a soft spot for. Hm... Part of me wonders... How many times have he been hurt himself...? How many times have he been broken... to the point where he stops caring altogether...? To the point where he feels there's nothing much that can break him anymore, cause he sealed out the world...?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sigh... Just when I didn't want to walk around too much, BMS(N) found me a job opening. It's quite a decent job actually. At the MOM, doing immigration admin stuffs, and being paid well for it. XP It's also near the MRT, so I can walk there, no problem. He ask me to try it out tmr first... Since there is an opening... And BMS(E) and him are both there. Sigh... Prayers, prayers... i need prayers... I need direction. I need God. I NEED SHOES.

Back to the present?

If every part of your soul is like a puzzle in my eyes. I wonder how yours would turn out?

To me, a human is much like a jigsaw puzzle. Except you are not given any picture at all. Instead, you have to rely on your eyes and your intuition. As I try to fix the pieces according to what I see, hear, and feel; sometimes there will be wrong pieces placed. After all, not all humans show who they really are to everyone they know. Some have masks, like some supposedly-transparent plastic over your piece. So when I fit it into the puzzle, it may appear to fit, but it may not be the right place for it.

For some, what I see and hear contradicts with what I feel from the person; also sometimes my own feelings blind me, so the pieces end up wrong too. But I think, to truly understand a person, is to complete this person's soul puzzle. Because, in the end, when everything is fixed properly, you'll see a beautiful picture that somehow stands out from the others, in so many interesting ways.

And the satisfaction of seeing this completed picture, especially if it's by your own hands, is beyond anything the world can ever give. It's like an adrenaline rush. It spins your mind, it makes your head ache, but somehow, you feel as if this picture contains a part of your own soul. It's your pride and joy. Much like the feeling of an artist who completes a painting, and stands back to see the final result of his handiwork. It's something I cannot describe, but it brings a smile to my face just thinking about it. It's addictive. It's amazing.

But there are limits. As a human, most of the time, the pieces have to be rearranged, because they are wrong. Sometimes, you think the pieces don't fit, so you take them out, only to realise they have been in the right place all along. Sometimes, you just want this piece to fit into this part of the puzzle and you try to force the piece to fit, only to realise it doesn't.

As a human, I can never ever see the complete picture for anybody. Humans, while simple, are also quite complicated in their own ways. But whatever I can glimpse of it, somehow I just know, it will turn out beautiful. There will always be parts that will be one heck of a headache to figure out, and there will be easy parts. And I think it's the combination of these two, that truly makes a human a human.

And then, while the complete picture may look beautiful, there may be errors within the puzzle that only that person will know of. The same way I will never be able to tell if the maker of the puzzle made an error when making the puzzle, there will be some parts, some errors that I will never figure out when piecing the puzzle together, only that person will know. Maybe, some become so aware of this errors in their lives, they use those supposedly-transparent plastic to cover up their pieces. I wouldn't know.

All I know is that the overall picture will be breathe-taking, in its own way. Sure there may be parts that you will be more fond of, and there will be parts you hate. But as you piece together the puzzle, after a while, you just accept these pieces as it is. After all, I didn't paint the picture. I'm only fixing it as I see fit.

And the same way people choose the puzzles they want to fix, people choose who they view as friends or enemies. Some prefer certain types of puzzles, others prefer something else. Some feel that certain types of puzzles will outshine their own picture and avoid them at all costs; some only wants to associate with puzzles that are similar to theirs; some wants puzzles that complement their own picture; some like odd puzzles that are challenging; some like simple puzzles that do not hide anything. Some like small puzzles, some love to take on the challenge of the larger ones, some like circular ones, some like puzzles that never seem to end.

Either ways, humanity is very interesting. To be a puzzle, while fixing the puzzles of others. To me, that's all the fun in life. After all, unlike those bought from a shop, the puzzle pieces of a human soul is ever changing bit by bit. It's dynamic in nature. Sometimes, the picture changes too. And it's always interesting to see how everything turns out. Keep watching, keep observing. But don't stay a passive observer. After all, you may never know, by fixing the puzzles of others, you will slowly learn to discover the picture that is you.

Back to the present?

Zzz... Sleepy... Couldn't sleep all night... My toe's getting itchy... Yay?

Today was my last paper. XD It was MCQ, it was easy. And I'm getting complacent. >.< I hope I can get an A... I really hope so... But due to my toe... Can't join my friends for Japanese Buffet at Tampines... ;_; Zzz... I really wish I could spend some time with them one last time before the sem ends in proper...

Anyway... Hope I can attend the BMS outing somewhere this month... >.>

My toe's recovering fine. It's now all bandaged up and healing well, according to the doctor anyway. My toe's now getting itchy... >.< I know it's part of the healing process, I don't quite remember what's the name of the chemical that causes the itching... But I know it is produced as part of our body's healing process... BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE IT EASIER TO BEAR. Zzz... Feel like ripping off my bandage to scratch the stupid itch...

Went to Parkway today too. Yay! Zzz... Walked around too much hence my toe hurted... XD

Hm... About YX, I think I'm letting go. It's easier now at least. Now that I don't see him often. Don't get me wrong... I think I'll still be fond of him for a rather long time... But at least... I can distract myself easier... If I see him again in person though... I don't know what I'll do... Cause I know I'll fall again... People change, but not that quickly. And he's not the changing sort... God knows why I like him... But as long as that element is still there... I think I'd be liking him for quite a while... Zzz...

ANYWAY. Thank God the whole exams are over. I'm leaving it in your Hands. I fought the fight. I ran the race. The outcome is Yours to decide.

Back to the present?

Damn
The doctor's just
Finished telling me
There's no time

Losing you could be the
End of me and that
I should do the things
That I wanna do, how could I

Without you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday night... Or should I say this morning... I had an operation. It's minor. IT INVOLVES NEEDLES!!! Apparently, at around 6.30 pm, wonderful little me decided to buy some bubble tea. And when she exited out to go home, she forgot that a car has 4 wheels. She let the first two pass and took a step forward. Man, I'm awesome.

Anyway, since I ran into the car, Murphy's Law implies that the car will run over me, and it did. Over my big toe in fact. This is despite the fact my second toe is longer and weaker than my big toe. On with the story, I eventually ended up in A&E in Parkway East Hospital. The people were nice, amused at my situation, but nevertheless, IT'S A HOSPITAL. I found out I shattered my bone into 4 pieces. Apparently gravity plays a rather large role in the weight of the car over my foot. Anyway, I ended up needing toenail stitching and K-wiring, meaning a huge-ass wire will be inserted into my foot to stabilise it. I was also warded one stupid night in the hospital.

For the surgery, I had a lot of needles poked into me... ;_; In fact, when the doctor was injecting the anesthetic into my toe, he asked if I was in pain. The nurse whose hand I was strangling holding, replied dryly, "My hand is in pain." XD Oops? Anyway, after the injections, everything was pretty much fine. He simply pulled out my toenail and was about to insert the wire, when I found out something. Only half my foot was numb. XD Trust me when I say I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THE NEEDLE WEAVING IN AND OUT MY FLESH AS THEY STITCH MY TOENAIL. So more anesthetic is given, and the wire was drilled into my toe. It is quite discerning to hear the drill and see the wire enter your toe via X-ray... And not really feel it. Thank God? Lastly, the doctor stitched my toenail back. While the toenail was removed to get rid of the blood clot, it has to be sewn back as the underskin is very sensitive. Eventually, when the stitches are removed and the new toenail grows out, the old toenail will fall off.

After the surgery was over, I was warded for a night. Zzz... Sleep was the one thing I wanted... And the one thing I could not have during that one night. I'm used to sleeping on my side or my front, especially when I'm in some unknown area... But this time, due to my WONDERFUL toe, I can't. So I couldn't sleep... ;_; Also, I had a sharp tube inserted into my hand... It is not comfortable at all, I assure you. Eventually... I slept a maximum of 3 lovely hours. The rest of my time was spent trying to sleep. =.= By around 3 am, I could feel a bit of my toe again. Yay. The first thing I felt was the wire. Slowly but surely, I began to feel my toe again. By 8 am, I can feel my whole toe, stitches and all. Yay. Luckily, by around 10 am, I was discharged and am now residing in Heaven on Earth, a.k.a. my room.

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I would like to give special thanks to the wonderful souls that kept me company via sms. Really, I would not be sane (or should I say I would be less sane =/) if it weren't for these people.

A million gazillion thanks goes out to:
BMS(E), for all the sweet, amusing messages he sent to cheer me up. Thank you for your concern. ^-^ It kept my mind off the pain when I was waiting for the doctor.

BMS(I), for making me laugh and being the greatly-needed distraction when I was in the hospital. And also being available to talk when I just wanted to call someone.

I, for being one of the sweetest guys I know and encouraging me through the surgery, and even offering to visit, when I know you are not all that free yourself.

YX for just talking crap with me at 7 am XD when I couldn't fall asleep and was dead bored. Thanks for making me laugh too. =^^=

Back to the present?