Zzz... YX seems to be having some sorta problem... But he doesn't wanna tell me... I'm stuck between my curiosity and giving him his privacy... Zzz...

Back to the present?

[Yoochun]
EVERGREEN soturgi manhan
Babo gathun nan gudega
Junun sarangur morugo sarawajyo
[Junsu]
Dashi nun naui gyotheso
Nunmur hulliji anhdorog
Oton surphumdo garyojunun
Tathuthan nega dweo
Gamssa anurge...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can you be my evergreen??

Back to the present?

Darling aitakute Love aenai toki
Always sora wo mitsume

Your voice is my rainbow
I'd cross the sky just to reach it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Baka. Of course I miss you. But I'm too proud to say it. So what do you think?

Ameagari ni minna egao de niji wo miteru
Toki ga tomatta sonna shunkan mo baby kakaetakudasou

If only I had a dollar for everytime I think of you... I'd be rich... >.>

----------------------------------------------------------

Today's studying of 108 is epic fail. I'm gonna die tmr... Zzz... Sigh... And YX asked me if I wanna watch the moon... OF COURSE~~♥♥ But then, since you went home... Looks like I'll be watching the moon alone... If only I can find it... >.>

Dear God... Help!!!

Back to the present?

http://www.viewzone.com/luscher/colortest.html

For those willing to try... My results... Are not PG. So I shall ignore them... >.>

http://www.colorquiz.com/quiz.php

Your Existing Situation

Works well with others. Needs personal relationships which are understanding and relatively conflict-free.

Your Stress Sources

"Feels empty and isolated from others and wishes to overcome this feeling. Believes life has more to offer her than what she was experienced thus far, and doesn't want to miss out on anything. she purses all her goals and dreams, fearful that any missed opportunity will cause her to miss out on even more. Quickly becomes an expert in any field she pursues and can sometimes come off as overbearing and nosy."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

"Feels she is not receiving her fair share and is unable to rely on anyone for support or sympathy. she keeps her emotions bottled up, leaving her quick to take offense to small things. she tries to make the best of her situation."

Applies tough standards to her potential partner and demands an unrealistic perfection in her sex life.

A/N: I don't actually... I'm happy with that idiot just the way he is.

Your Desired Objective

"Looking for affectionate, fulfilling, and friendly relationships. Seeks intimacy and personal relationships full of love, self-sacrifice and trust."

Your Actual Problem

Needs to find a stable and peaceful environment which will free her of the worries that are preventing her from achieving the things she wants.

Your Actual Problem #2

"Prefers to be left in peace and avoids arguments, confrontation, and conflicts."

A/N: Wow. I feel isolated and empty, and I want to be left in peace. Awesome deduction. I think the only accurate part is the stress sources. XD

Back to the present?

Kimi to boku to "Sakura biyori" kaze ni yurete mai modoru
Mada minu mirai wo mune ni daite miageta saki wa momoiro no sora

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whew! My worst is over!! Yay!! 109 was not as bad as I thought. Sure, there were questions I'm not sure of, there are uncertainties, there are problems... But overall, I don't know why, I just feel really glad that it's all over.

Aishiteru　aishiteru
Sore igai　mitsukaranai
Aishiteru　aishiteru
Iki saki wa doko demo ii

Kono kisha de mieru mirai ni
Owaranai uta

Now... 108!! XD Must ganbatte!! But the holiday mood is descending fast!! >.<

Zzz... Choir training clash with DnD!!! OMG!!! Just when I thought I could sing again... Sigh... At this rate... Forget it... I don't think I'll be able to stay in choir next year... Zzz!! Dear God... WHERE THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO GO?!??!?!

Sigh... Part of me misses him and I wanna talk to him... About what I have no idea... Just to hang out with him... But I don't want to disturb him... Especially since tomorrow is his exam... Ah heck.

Why do I like him??? He asked me this many times... Heck, I asked myself many times too... But... Somehow... The only answer I can come up with is "I just do". It's like asking why I don't like chocolate or why I like sweets or why I don't like food or why I like animals or why I like circles, crosses, hearts and the letter "K" or why I can talk to you, but not others. =.= I'm just really fond of you. Do I need a reason to like someone? Why can't I like a person just because I do? I just like the way you are nice to me, I like the way you always seem to amuse me, I like the way you speak your mind, I like the way you are true to yourself, I like the way you are different from everyone else, etc. I just like the way you are.

Zzz... It must be a female thing... Cause D from my class understands what I'm talking about... Seems like my natural gender is the dominant side when it comes to liking someone... My adopted gender (as BMS(I) puts it) comes into play for pretty much everywhere else. XD

Ack! My sleep-deprived brain is jumping all sorts of topics. My apologies if you are lost.

D suggests I start writing about my dear characters again... I don't mind actually... I sort of miss them... Ever since Elevate and since I like YX, I stopped talking to them... D8 Hm... Maybe during June holidays, I should get back in touch with my darlings. XD

Okok... BACK TO 108!!! OMG!!! No TIME!!!

Back to the present?

Ring ding dong
Ring ding dong
Ring diggi dingdiggi
Ding ding ding
(Ojik neoman deullinda)

Ring ding dong
Ring ding dong
Ring diggy ding diggy
Ding ding ding
(Meoritsokae oolinda)

Ring ding dong
Ring ding dong
Ring diggy ding diggy
Ding ding ding
(Nae gaseumae oolinda)

Back to the present?

Sono negai a kanau youni
Inori tsuzukeru kara
Itsu no hi mo, oh
Break out! Break out!
Kitto nada wa
Kanashimi janakute yume no ashi ato
Break out! Break out!
Kimi dake ni shika dekinai koto ga aru
Believe yourself
Shijite (Break out break out)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zzz... Made the mistake of telling YX about my blog... Now he wants to read it.. LIKE HELL I'LL LET HIM!!! Zzz... It's my own rantings to myself mainly... But I think the actual reason I don't want to let him is that a lot is about him... Nothing embarrassing... But I'd feel like a fool... >.< Zzz... But... I dunno... I just rather he doesn't read it... I mean... Since there's nothing embarrassing... Just a couple of posts that'll bother me... So it should be ok... Zzz... I see how things goes... Most likely... I won't let him read... D<

Back to the present?

Ole~! My chinese is gonna fail. D8

Yami ni ukabu tsuki no stage ni odoru kimi wo yume mitanda
In my dreams I saw you dancing on the moon’s stage in the dark

fukai fukai mune no kizu wo hitotsu hitotsu se owanaide
Don’t try to carry the burden of all the deep deep wounds in your chest alone

dare mo kimi wo semeyashinai kimi wa kimi de ireba ii sa
No one can blame you, its ok if you be yourself

kikasete itoshiku hakanaku tsumasaki de kanaderu bolero
Let me hear the lovely, fleeting wings of the bolero playing

maiagare kimi no kanashimi mo iyasareru basho ni mitsukeru sa
Soar high, you will discover a place that will even heal your sadness

Sigh... Even when I tried so hard... Just to watch it fall. Ah heck. It's over. It's in God's Hands. I don't want to care anymore. I have other papers to study for... But for now... I just wanna sleep... Quite tired... Couldn't quite sleep properly last night... (It's always like that with my first paper) and I woke up around 6.30 am... D8 Amazing... I got up at 7 am to study AGAIN. But has it worked. No. It just flops down in my face.

Why God? Why chinese??? When you know I am so bad at it...

DBSK sings so beautifully... ♥♥ I want Junsu~~~ ♥♥ Sigh... The ones that can make this day feel better are never around when I want them... I guess that's life. In the end, I'm the only one that's always there... But then again... If no one knows... They can't be there can they? 'Sides, God gave me lots of people when I was desperate for help... So i guess once is fine... But... >.< I guess I'm just spoilt...

Oh no... Now got MB106 and BS109 consecutively... D8 Help?

Back to the present?

Every day and night with you
Furueru kimino tewo nigirishimerukala
Every day every night everywhere
Tsunagaru kanshokuwo
Zutto tashikameyou
Ima monogatariwa... Begin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Watched DBSK 3rd Bigeast Fanclub Event. OMG... Junsu~~~~~~ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

I'm so gonna die for chinese tomorrow... Stupid exams... Nothing is staying in my head... YX went back home.. So can't bother him... D8 Zzz... I will not miss him. I will not miss him.

That idiot actually asked if I need a wake-up call for my exams... XD Hahaha! I told him it's he who needs the call not me... =P Sheesh! Never give a light sleeper wake-up calls. Chances are, said light sleeper will be awake before you are. XD Though... Kinda worried for him... His sleep cycle is now following the species: Homo Sapiens Nocturnae.

He slept at frickin' 8 am!!! And he ain't talking (at least to me verbally) anymore... I wonder why... Sore throat?? (Serves him right for eating the whole bottle of Nutella...) Sigh... I'm thinking of him again, aren't I...? ZZZ!! Alright... I admit... I've been daydreaming about him... A part of me knows that if we ever get together, the relationship won't last. Sorry, I'm realistic. But... There's always a stupid part of me that hopes everything will be alright, that hopes he will be mine. That hopes and hopes and hopes. =.= Hence, the daydreams.

I got you~~ Under my skin

Great. First Kat-Tun. Now DBSK. Awesome... My chinese is so gonna fail...

Back to the present?

Aishiteru, Aishiteru
Kimi ga iru subarashi sugiru
Aishiteru, Aishiteru

Aishiteru

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes Lord, your existence makes everything wonderful!! (I know the song ain't Christian, but lemme improvise. ~_^) I just received the most amazing email from my dear tutor. Apparently he decided to speak up for me and told the other prof (HAHA!) that he'll email my marks to him. YES!!! WHOO!!!!!!!

Dear God,

Thank you for making everything better, as I leave them in your hands. I really don't know what to do. I was upset, angry, etc. But you found a way to calm me down, (YX has that effect on me.. ^^) to make me forget (CHINESE!! What a way to forget) and just when I was about to despair, you gave me a miracle and a new hope. Thank you so much!!! I really don't believe it!! It's like in Sam's life. When he gave up everything to you, and let you decide, you pulled him through.

Haha! I'm tired. I'm stressed. But for some reason, I'm really happy today. Frustrations aside, I managed to spend most of my afternoon with YX (albeit I was bothering him a little... >.<). I managed to meet up with my dear BMS gang (Mainly BMS(I&E)). We watched a chinese comedy show together too! And for what it's worth, I believe I accomplished quite a bit today. ^_^ You gave me strength to do this, you gave me everything I need today. Thank you for your living bread and water, by which I cannot survive without. I'm glad you are with me, every step of my way, through my tears and my laughter. You are the reason I can laugh without a care in the world. Because all my burdens will be surrendered to you. And I will take yours, for your yoke is light. Once more, thank you. For everything.

Amen.

Back to the present?

Until my heartbeat's gone
I'll rescue you

I don't wanna cry alone
Help me out Search my light
Please take me back home
I don't wanna cry alone
Into blaze Lost in maze
Someone call my name

I don't wanna cry alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks Inume. Now I'm gonna fangirl over Kat-Tun. Ueda~~~

But somehow... Those two songs keep reminding me of him. In the maze of my own thoughts, fears, worries, paranoia, etc, I wish he would rescue me... But I doubt he will... Zzz. I don't wanna cry alone. D8

And Ueda's bittersweet "Love in Snow" reminds me of my own stupid plight.

Kanawanai koi da to shitemo
"Kimi ga suki desu..."
Aitai...aitai...
Sore dake wo nozomimasu

Afureru omoi wo anata ni todokemashou
Shiroi yuki ni komete...
Shizuka ni furu yuki wa dareka no ai no kotoba dakara

Sadly, it doesn't quite snow here in Singapore. Still, the heavens can cry for me every time it rains. Cause God knows, I probably ran out of tears a long time ago.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My chinese is dying here. Yesterday was so not productive. Only studied one chapter. =.= But my mind keeps drifting to him... I know we're just friends. But the way he treats me when there is no one around is only making me fall for him more.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yay. My stupid MB106 professor didn't receive my stupid assignment. WHICH I HANDED UP ONE WEEK EARLY. Congrats. N0w I'm gonna die for my exam. Yay. Wish I could just strangle that idiotic professor.

Ah hell. God just take everything away. I give up.

Back to the present?

oh oh oh oh oppareul saranghae
ah ah ah ah manhi manhi hae
sujeubeuni jebal utji mayo
jinshimini nollijido marayo
ddo babogateun mal bbunya

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sigh... Sometimes... I really hate that part of myself that fell for you so easily. And I can't let go...

Back to the present?

Continuing my reflective mood these few days...

I don't believe in love. I can say that with utmost confidence. What is love anyway? Many people have many theories about it, but it all boils down to the same answer in the end, there is no definite answer for that question. Love is many things, everything and nothing at the same time.

I think... Human's capacity for love, is both limited and limitless at the same time too. There are those who love unconditionally, just like God. They're the ones that are constantly hurt... After all, if you open up your heart to people, don't expect it to come back in one piece. They are the ones that would selflessly sacrifice themselves for others. But most don't do that. Even if they say they would. I guess everyone has a barrier around their heart, it's just whether they are conscious of it or not. It seems, I am becoming more and more conscious of this barrier. There is a part of me that is held back. Bondages of fear? I have no idea.

I only know that it's human nature to not want to be hurt. Walls and ice built around our heart only serves to provide a minimum sense of security. I think that's why some people can fall in and out of love easily. Because there was no sacrifice, or minimal sacrifice involved. If they did involve their entity, everything they view as important, into the relationship only to have it shattered before their very eyes... No wonder some people turn suicidal. Even if they did not attempt some form of death, living becomes one heck of a torture... At least until they learn to heal again... After all, life goes on.

Like I said, I don't believe in the human's capacity for love. Heck, even God's heart aches like crazy AND HE IS GOD. That openness and unconditional love given, no human can give. We're too afraid to. And we cannot withstand the pain. To fall in love... I don't believe it. To me, love is something else altogether. It is a promise.

I guess that's why I can say that I like YX, but I don't love him. I can't. There is a deeply-rooted sense of fondness for him. But I do not love him. Unless God says "Yes", I will not promise myself to him at all. Sure, we both act like 5 and stay up late, sleep over, tease, play and joke around. But... Hm... I think... That's all I am to him actually... A little sister. I don't think he quite view me the way I view him... And until I get a verbal confirmation otherwise, I'll keep thinking it so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To me, Love is a commitment; a promise. When you say "I love you", mean it. When you say "I do", mean it.When you promise to be there, mean it. Otherwise, don't promise at all. And don't say crap stuffs like "I will die without you" etc., cause they're all lies. Hm... I think now I know why I don't have a boyfriend. XD Apparently, relationships are not something I take light-heartedly. XD

Back to the present?

Hey Juliet
I think you're fine
You really blow my mind
Maybe someday, you and me can run away
I just want you to know
I wanna be your Romeo
Hey Juliet

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Haha! This song has been running through my mind. It's a beautiful Saturday. And I'm in hall. =.= I miss my family. Missing my beloved two brothers, talking both rubbish and thoughtful stuffs with them. XD To most people in NTU, they think I'm very immature. Hahaha! But I can have deep, meaningful conversations. Except it's only with my brothers. Or Mom... >.>

Sigh... It took me 6 years to build up the walls around myself... And almost over 6 years to tear them down to this point. I think... Back when I was younger, I was afraid of getting hurt. So I opened up myself to no one but my family. The children were childish, immature, and I didn't understand them. Because I'm the eldest in my family, I have to look after everyone when my parents disappear (which happened quite often when I was young). So I didn't have a very childish mind then... But I think, as I looked back, I was never really alone. First of all, God is always with me, and me, being a kid, is more sensitive to such things. Second, my family has always been behind my back. So I never felt alone before. But I was ostracised when in Primary School... At least I felt that way. So I knew that tendrils of darkness that tried to wrap itself around my heart. I knew, I never liked to feel that way again. So I closed off my heart.

But if I close my heart, how can God enter?

Since Sec Sch then, I have been trying to open up my heart. So far... The only ones I have actually open up to is F, MYap and a lost friend... For F and MYap, they walk in and out of my life actually. But the footprints they left never disappear.

But now in NTU, it's very different... I can talk to lots of people now... Especially the guys... I wonder why... Haha! Maybe it's cause my brothers are quite mature for their age, and I'm not used to talking to the childish way of the younger guys. XD But now... I've torn down most of my walls... And I'm afraid again... Of those tendrils of darkness called loneliness... Hm... Maybe that's why I keep crashing YX's room. XD At least I'm not alone then... When he disappears, as in when he goes out for something, and VR is not in, somehow, the room took on a similar feeling as mine. It's a sense of isolation... Zzz... Can't wait for him to wake up... (HE'S STILL ASLEEP!!!) so that I can crash his room once more. XP Hm... BMS(I) says that I keep giving to YX, cause... well... I like him. Duh. But in essence, YX, by letting me stay over in his room, give me company and erase a sense of lost. Except I don't think he realises it. >.<

And I realised something... I can't really watch shows when I'm alone. I mean... I can barely sit through one episode of Gundam Wing. XD But in YX's room, I can watch a few episodes with him. I guess I'm not capable of watching shows alone... After all, even at home, I watch all sorts of shows and movies with my family. It's a group event, to me. Watching it alone feels kinda different... It's like... There's no one to laugh with you or to bother you when you're watching... (Yes, I'm odd. I like to be bothered.) It's definitely more fun to watch with others. Heck, even LOTR is more fun when watching it with Inume! Can't wait to marathon POTC with her during the hols!!

---------------------------------------------------

Zzz... Don't wanna study... Don't get me wrong... It's not that I don't like my course. It's just... Chinese... But I think I'm faring better at it compared to last times... Yay! Hm... Need to brush up on my basics... Doing MCQ questions. And I think I'm just realising how much I DON'T know... As in... some I'm quite sure is correct. But those the teacher didn't quite empathize in class, I'm not too sure about. Hm... =.= Zzz... I'll see how much can I finish my today... Hopefully... At least until 第五章, about 经络. Sigh... Ganbatte~

Back to the present?

BMS(I): OMG!! He's fricking hot!! =^^=

The freaky part about this is... BMS(I) is a guy... And the guy he's talking about is YX. =.= But the way he did it was so bimbotic it sets me into laughter. XD

Yesterday, YX and I watched Gundam X. It was sooooo nice. =^^= Garrod is cute in an very amusing manner, while Tiffa is SUPER KAWAII~~~ And then we had dinner together too. XD Apparently, YX doesn't like the korean's kimchi for that stall... I wouldn't know... >.> I don't eat spicy stuffs.

Zzz... And after that, YX fell asleep on me... =.= Now I know how F feels when I falls asleep on her... Except... Well... YX isn't mine the way I is F's. Zzz... I hope that the May-long break we have from each other will allow us to evaluate our own feelings for each other... Cause he's certainly testing boundaries... =.= So far... He hasn't cross any boundaries I have... But... Then again... I have VERY broad boundaries for friends... Heck. Sleeping on me isn't crossing the boundaries either... Hm... But maybe I should set a boundary for that... Cause it's affecting me... As for sleeping on the same bed... Actually... I don't mind... It's like a sleepover for me... But it's just not appropriate... So... Ah well...

Zzz... Back to studying... I'm screwed for Chinese... T-T

Back to the present?

Hm... My beloved BMS friends do not want me to be in a relationship with him. They don't want to see me hurt like that, or be used like that for that matter... *awwww* =3 Thx guys~~ For just caring...

Actually... I really don't know my answer... I may say "yes"; I may say "no". After all... In May, when YX and I can hardly talk (he'll be in Japan D8, and when he's back, I'll be in Malaysia), I don't know if I still want to be with him... And if he doesn't like me still... There is no point in having a relationship... It takes two to tango... If not, there ain't no dance. I think... I'll wait... (I HATE WAITING!!!) to see how it goes... For now... I'll just let my heart ache for him... After my exams... Then I can worry about my answer.

Haha! Today BMS(I) is super funny!! For some reason, he keeps making me laugh, NON STOP!!! WTH!!! Some are honest mistakes... (like 旁观者 = 膀胱者) XD Haha! Passer-bys = bladder people. Hahahahaha!! Anyway, today, I laughed until I'm now depleted of energy.. XD Can't focus to study... >.< NEED TO STUDY!!! OMG! Exams are in less than a week's time and I'M SCREWED!!!

Zzz... I can study this stupid chinese mod until it sucks the very soul out of my body and I still doubt that I can even score for this... =.= In the meanwhile... I'm getting obsessed with Gundam 00 songs. Damn you YX.

Back to the present?

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

I don't believe my ears, but YX... He asked me out... As in... He said he doesn't mind giving "us" a try. OMFG!

(In case you can't tell, I don't deal well with surprises.)

Honestly speaking, I'm not certain of my answer. Yes, I do like him. A hell lot in fact. But... You are divided my dear. Between the other girl and me. You say you are only interested in her, but don't like her per say... But what about me? What do you feel about me? Just last week, you said you don't like me that way. SO WTF?!?!?! Sigh... You are contradicting yourself. Your actions say that you like me. HELL, the way you are concerned for me and the way you frickin' care for me is bloody obvious that you like me. If even I can see that (dumb lil' me), then it's probably the most obvious thing in the world. ZZZ!!! Your mixed signals are getting me confused too. =.=

Next, if in the event you and the other girl actually have time to talk and hang out and stuffs, what happens to me? Are you using me to fill up that gap? Would you break up with me to be with her? I don't know the answers to these questions... And I'm afraid. I AM NOT A TOY TO BE USED. SO MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!

If I do enter a relationship with you... I assure you... I'll let you in... Because I like you that much... And if this whole thing doesn't work out, (which I'm quite sure it won't but that's probably the pessimistic me talking...) I'll be hurt the most... Cause you have no idea how much you mean to me. And if I do let you in... Which is something only my brothers have the privilege of seeing... Then you will be inside my "fortress"... And I'm very afraid... Of letting someone that close to me... Especially if I know I will be hurt in the end...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Another thing... If I do enter a relationship with you, there are 3 main things I would expect out of a relationship: Acceptance, loyalty and security. If you are uncertain yourself, the security is not there, and I can't say yes... And if there is someone else, then your loyalty to me will also be questionable... If such is the case, I rather we just be friends than be more. No point intertwining our lives if everything is just going to self-destruct before it can stabilise. And if you are not sure yourself, without the security and loyalty, how can I trust you with my heart? There's a reason why I kept it under lock and key. And I ain't giving it outright to you so easily. You may be in my heart, but I'd be DAMN if I give the whole thing to you right now.

Sigh... There's a lot of things to consider before I can even say yes... Zzz... It was easier when I just like you... Then, i don't need to consider such things. Sure, I will emo about it. And whine and complain... But at least, then I can let go if you just said "No." Now... I gave you up after you said no on last Wednesday... SO WHY THE F*** ARE YOU AGREEING NOW?!?!?!

Just when I can give you up... You tell me such things... You are seriously toying with my feelings, aren't you...? No such thing as "it doesn't hurt to try"... Because it will hurt me. Whether you realise it or not, you will hurt me. And I will NOT say "yes" until I know what the hell am I diving into.

Sigh... This... want to try to know you better was an experiment... Since I never really dared to like someone properly... I wondered what it was like to confront my feelings instead of running away. F said proceed with caution... But caution ain't my style, and I threw all caution to the wind. But I already got my answer to my experiment... Now part 2 is initiated... Will I take it? And get hurt again?? Or should I let it go? And possibly hurt him? Cause I know, he has as much doubts and fears as me, if not more... He's lost, yet he's willing to step into the darkness... But I can't. I need to think it through..... Until May... That's my deadline... I pray I will have an answer then.

Back to the present?

And nothing's gonna hold me back
Oh, nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The things God did to bring smiles into my everyday life:

WK dancing like a lunatic in Hall 13 because he finished his FYP. XD I don't think I will ever get that image out of my head. Hahaha!

I saw a really beautiful green spider today. And when I stared at it, it did a slight tilt, much like the way Chocy tilts his head. OMG!!! The spider was sooooooooo cute~~~

A worker ant was trying to cross a gap with a really large insect in its jaw. Since it can't cross the gap properly, as the gap as quite huge for the ant, it waved its legs insanely around, until it found a proper footing. But while it was waving around, it looked so comical, I had to laugh.

BMS I: "HUH???" (an imitation from MadTV's Korean Drama Parody) Sets me into laughter every time I hear him.

Me staying in YX's room yesterday. The poor idiot was too lazy to call me for breakfast, so I stayed over (again). It was then he found out how light a sleeper I am. And I hoarded the blanket. Mwhahaha!! Doubt he want me to stay over again. XD I keep waking him up. XP Oops? But while it lasted, now that I can properly shut down my feelings for him, it was nice. Like Sam and Zac sort of nice. But my only worry is that he is NOT Sam and Zac.

The way the BMS idiots (E,I, N and sometimes JY) tease me. The words they say can be quite mean... But somehow, I much prefer the attention to ignorance. At least now I know, should I disappear, there will be someone that will miss me.

The clear azure sky I see when I walk to school. There's a certain beauty in its simplicity, and it's beautiful.

Back to the present?

Doushite kimi ni nani mo tsutaerarenakattan darou?
Mainichi maiban tsunotteku omoi
Afuredasu kotoba, wakatteta no ni (mou todokanai)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I told myself I'll accept it. I will be alright. I know he will never like me like that. I already expected that answer. So why? Why won't the tears stop? At least then, I could hope. Now... I can't anymore. Why is it always like that? Why do I always like the idiots who will never like me back? Why am I such an idiot myself?

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY

Why does love always feel like a battlefield~

Why am I always on the losing side...?

I can only distract myself for so long... After that... Tasu kete...

Back to the present?