This is the last post for this blog.

To you out there, the only thing I can offer is friendship.

Take it or leave it.

And to everyone else, I hope you guys have a blast with my blog, reading all sorts of silly insights and thoughts of mine. It had been fun.

And with that,

Adieu everyone~

Back to the present?

Yes. My pretty words are lies. I was in it to discover my sexual curiosity, like the cheap slut I am. And yes, you are a fool. I am a selfish despicable bitch and a monster. Yes, I am not worth your time and attention. You should listen to your friends and forget about me. After all, I'm not worth it.

I am not ready for a relationship. I wished to make you beg and grovel before Kyoya. Your ex was a cake-walk compared to me. I am even lower and more despicable than her. I am consumed by my own dreams. I am pathetically pitiable. I shouldn't grace you with my drivel anymore.

All my family and friends' advices may not be true. I shouldn't listen to them.

And I hope you are happy now.

Back to the present?

Really really struggling with my feelings...

Honestly, when Yuki (of all people) tried to talk to me about Cross, at that moment, I really wanted to just fuck everything and not be bothered anymore.

I'm sorry. But I am not in the mood for the "love conquers all" speech, because I think it's stupidly idealistic. Especially when you think you know my side of the story but you don't. Hell, I think after that whole conversation with Yuki, I have decided that I made the right choice in breaking-up.

The only thing worth considering, to me, is whether I should maintain a friendship with him. And that is because our whole fall-out is due to a whole bunch of misunderstandings and miscommunication. And even then, I am going to bid my time and wait until I recover emotionally from the whole thing before even thinking about it.

Sorry. But the Gemini in me is strongly against the relationship because of the miscommunication more than anything else. I thrive on communication. (Despite being an introvert myself) But there is something about reciprocation when communicating with others that I get a particular high from.

That's why I am exceedingly fond of Sweetie now. Because she gives, I return, and vice versa. And the best part, the exchange is done on the same, if not similar, levels.

Cross and I... Are on completely different levels of communication. Hell, after all these months, Yuki and I are already on different levels of communication. And believe me, I am not done changing and growing yet.

Not that it's any of your fault. I don't think as most typical Singaporean girls do. And I can't talk to most people either. Life's like that, so I learned to deal with it.

I am, unfortunately, not as amazing as Sweetie to be able to communicate on various levels with various people. Heh. That's probably why I always has issues with friends. So far, Kyoya and Shell are the only ones I can still communicate with relative ease after so many years. (Many years for Shell.) Of course, my brothers always people I can talk to. Haha!

I think it's also because I kept talking to my brothers all these years that they learned to be more mature than most guys at their age, since I'm 2 years older, and I tend to refuse lowering myself to talk to people. (Bad habit of mine... Need to learn...) That and they have to put up with me and my dad in the same household, and God knows, that's more than enough to mature a person's character.

Anyway, I think... For the matter of friendship with Cross... I will just take my time. God knows, I need the time...

P.S. To Yuki and Cross, a forewarning. I will be particularly bitchy and selfish towards people who want a second chance because I'll be on self-protection mode. So in case you want to talk to me, I'm just gonna warn you that you might be seeing a rather different side of me.

Back to the present?

Looks like another chapter of my life is closing.

Sigh. It was a whole bunch of drama, and a lot of innocent people got dragged in. =| But in the end...

I think... Our biggest mistake was being unable to communicate on the same level. I suppose it's a Gemini thing of me, but communication is particularly essential to me. If you can't speak on my level and I can't speak on yours, then it's best to just leave it.

Miscommunication = Misunderstandings. Let me clarify while I'm at it. Communication, to me, is more than just words. It's the way you say them, what you say, what your actions say, and what the overall generally tells me.

And the way you say things totally don't match up to the things you say and do. Of course, me being a girl tend to take note of tones more than just words. I generally don't remember what people say, but I do remember how they say it and how it affects me.

Your words. You can't see it, but they blackmail me. They attack me. And I don't know how to be around you or react around you when I can't tell whether you would be distanced from me, or if you would lash out at me (like that rather unforgettable argument) and emotionally threaten me, or if you would be nice and all.

You said that I don't seem to care about your feelings. Have you considered mine then? Do you know how freaking scared you made me? How scared I am of meeting you? Because I don't know what I'll be dealing with.

I don't know if anything I say would trigger you off. It's like waiting for a time bomb to explode.

Personally, I seriously doubt things will be as simple and as nice as you said they would be.

In case you failed to figure out, things are rarely as simple and nice when it comes to us. Eventually, something I say will make you explode. Something you say will hurt me. And the best part? You don't know. You don't seem to know how much I defended you from my class, how much I cared for you even when you hurt me, how much I gave up for you, how much I wanted to believe in something everyone is telling me to give up. (Or maybe you noticed but didn't care...)

And, to me, it has reached the point where what I invested into this relationship doesn't equate to the hurt I'm receiving.

So forgive me. I'll be protecting myself from now on.

Back to the present?

I know I'm supposed to be studying for my damn last paper. But I really can't be bothered anymore... Zzz. I always had issues with finishing stuff.

Anyway, since I ran out of stories to find, I decided to re-read some old ones, especially those from Ochibi. (I have a particular love for her writing style.)

Anyway, after being with Cross and all, I am beginning to see Imitation Black in a whole new light. And have a particular new fondness for the way Ochibi portrays Kanda. And as I'm reading it, (and completely emphatizing with Reiichi, since she got put in a few situations that I was in. Except that Ochibi kinda wrote them with the main antagonist, and well... Mine was with Cross.)

Anyway, now that I've more or less figured what I'm looking for in a partner, I kinda realised that Ochibi is probably looking for exactly the same thing. Ironically, what she admires in a fictional world is actually what I'm looking for in my life. But the base idea of it all is the same.

We're just looking for someone stable enough to take care of us. To bring us out of our shell, to be patient with us, and show us that it's alright to let go. And God knows, Ochibi has much stronger insecurities than me. Our insecurities are actually very similar. Except that she's more emotional than I am and is more affected by what she is feeling.

Heck, as I get to know Sweetie more, I realised that she has about the same insecurities too. Which took a while to wrap my mind around it. After all, Sweetie is the all popular, nice, sweet person that takes care of the people around her. And people just swarm to her like flies to honey. (I am also one of said flies.)

But she has her insecurities too. It's just a matter of whether she shows it. Haha. I've realised that when she's sheepish about something, it generally has something to do with an insecurity of hers, it's just that she refused to let it affect her.

And now that I think about it, I have no idea how someone rather insensitive like me (who makes occasional jokes that freezes Hell over) managed to befriend her, a person rather sensitive by nature with a cute dorky sense of humour. =/ But I do know that there is something about both Sweetie and Kyoya that I love. A lot.

It's that kind of feeling that you get when you get freaked out or scared when you were a kid, and you want someone there to hug you, and the person (or should I say, people) that comes to mind is them.

After being with Cross and all, at least now I know what about them that I find so precious. Sigh... There were so many things that went wrong. Things I thought I wouldn't mind, but I actually did. Things I thought I could compromise, but I actually can't. And... Sigh...

And now that I know what I want, reading Imitation Black is kinda different. It's like reading something you like, and now knowing what is it in particular that you like instead of the general feeling of happiness after reading it.

Haha. I guess I never really knew how realising stuff change the way I look at things.

As I get ready to head back to Singapore in the next few days... Well... I won't say I've matured, but there are things that I know that I need to work on now, that I need to change. I doubt I would change THAT much... But... Well... I won't know until I try. I've been growing a lot since Uni, since hanging out with Kyoya and all. And now there's Sweetie too.

Hopefully, maybe 10 years from now, I can look back and smile at my progress.

Back to the present?

One paper down! And the last one to go!

This paper was... I don't quite know how to put it.  It's like, I approximately know something to write for every question, but not very sure how I'll do since most of the explanations are written off the top of my head. =X It's one of those "Can do yet not quite sure how well you'd do" kind of paper.

And of course, I'm giving most of my credit for being able to do my paper to Kyoya. XD He was the one bombarding me with questions after questions to the point that Sweetie actually asked me if Kyoya was bullying me because of all the questions! ^^" Oops.

I didn't mind the questioning, of course. Somehow, the questions help me focus on what I need to know versus reading everything I highlighted (which has a lot of extra information). Haha! And hopefully, voicing out the questions and answers help Kyoya remember the information better too. Win-win situation. =) (Though I think I tend to make Kyoya worry about the lack of information being retained in my head)

Haha! All in all, today I was in a relatively good mood (or as good as my mood can get during exams).

And... I am in no mood to study for my next paper. =X Just wanna chill and sleep and relax. XD Sadly, if I do that, I'm gonna fail my next paper. =( So no.

And I'm craving retail therapy but there is no time for taobao anymore. Cause I'll be going home. And belts are damn expensive in Singapore. Zzz. Oh well. I'll buy when I come back here again. (I already booked a return flight anyway, I have to return.)

Back to the present?

Ugh. Just feel like sleeping today away. But I haven't even finish studying for 50% of my exam on Tuesday so yeah... I feel screwed.

Just... This sian feeling for the exams. And I don't even know how I feel about going home now. Zzz. And creating random scenerios in my mind and ugh. They don't even turn out anywhere near positive. So yeah. =|

Anyway, today I went to church as usual with Sweetie. XD We had some HTHT about things and all. Haha! I am beginning to realise how protective Sweetie is of people. And I guess a part of me is damn happy she didn't jump to conclusions about the things being said in rumours and talked to me instead about it. =)

Hehe. She is definitely a friend worth keeping.

We had our last French meal in China. XD And then we went for dessert. =P We had this lovely looking fruit tart. And it tasted delicious~

And after that... Well... My agenda said study, and my brain went "I don't think so" and knocked itself out for the next couple of hours. ^^"

Sigh... Totally no exam stress anymore. My mood is totally on the "To hell with this" mode and all my brain registers is "Oh this important point is this colour... What's the point again?" -_-

And I'm kinda raping fanfictions online just to avoid studying altogether. =X So... My progress is near 0%. Brilliant. And... I dunno... Sigh.

Guess I'm back to my old escape routes.

Back to the present?