After a while of reflections, I realise I have a lot of issues with my dad...
I mean... I don't doubt that he loves me... But somehow... There are times when I don't quite believe it...
For one, I don't believe my dad even knows what I like or don't like... I don't think he knows that I liked A, or that I am struggling with school, or that I love cheerleading, or that I don't like cake or watching TV. I doubt he knows I like jackets, reading stories and exploring around.
He knows I like bubble tea because I once worked in a bubble tea store. And that I like puzzles from the... 12 over pieces of puzzles in my room. (If that wasn't obvious enough.) And sometimes, I really wonder, if I wasn't his daughter, what would he think of me?
I know I am constantly seeking for his approval. After all, he's my dad. And he never fails to disappoint.
Like when I commented to my mom that I had gained weight, my dad has to add his two-bits in and insist I was still underweight. I am not. The chart says so. But thanks to his genes, gaining weight to become fleshier is near impossible. -_- But does my dad care? No he doesn't. He still criticises me on my appearance and my weight should I ever accidentally present him the opportunity to do so.
Haha. I only knew that I could actually look good by end of JC. And that was after a whole series of crude yet flattering comments by Fran's boyfriend that made me realise I was not as bad as my dad always makes me out to be.
Then again, getting any form of compliment or praise from my dad is pretty much non-existent. After all, the first compliment Sam gave me was "OMG. Sis! You want guys to rape you ah?" or something like that. Mind you, I was only wearing a tank top. So yeah... My brothers definitely learn to compliment like my dad does. And it took me a while back then to figure out it was actually a compliment, not an insult.
So why am I still trying...? Zzz.
Btw, what sort of sparked off this was something my mom asked me. She asked if I think I'm good-looking. And I decided that, if I put in the effort to dress... More femininely. Yes, I am.
And now, my brothers give MUCH BETTER compliments... Like I'm very huggable (that is a definite compliment in my books) and I'm very cute, and why can't other girls be like me, etc. Though asking them for opinion on clothes is worse than torture for them.
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Though I guess what Ju from cheerleading is quite right. If you don't like a person, no matter how good he is, you can only see the bad side of him. And I do not like my dad. And especially for my dad, his faults are always more than obvious to me.
He always insist that we should not follow in his footsteps, because he keeps making stupid mistakes. Hello. If you don't want someone to follow you, STOP DICTATING THAT PERSON'S ACTIONS. Then he complains why we follow him... =/ Sometimes, I wonder if it's legal to murder my own dad...
And he always treats me like a child too. Zzz. I mean, if I'm acting childish, and you can treat me like one... But I rarely behave childishly at home, AND YOU ACT MORE CHILDISH THAN ME!! And for the love of God, I am 21 this year! Not 2. I do not need all your mollycoddling and nagging. I am perfectly fine on my own.
You pretty much disappeared from the better half of my life anyway. If I were that incapable, I would have died a long time ago.
And no. I refuse to be your future doctor/piggy bank/maid/slave/investment/etc. You want someone to be that so much, go bother my brothers. I adamantly REFUSE to be any of the above for you.
I don't care if you throw a tantrum at me.