Ugh. Mid Term. Ugh. And I haven't quite finish studying for it yet... And it's this week... And I don't think I have enough time!!! ARGH!!!

There's a lot of things on my mind, so I'm gonna try to sort them out, together with all the random emotions involved.

First off, there's a part of me that is actually very reluctant to go to China... I mean, I will be leaving so many people behind... People like Sexy and Yuki, especially Yuki... Even though there's that CNY one month break, but... Yuki is never free during that period... So it means... I literally won't see her for 2 whole years! OMFG!!! Zzz!!!

So yeah... I suppose it's just me, but when I have to make certain decisions or do certain things in the future, I would try to envision the entire scenario playing out, as well as my reaction towards it. So far... My reaction towards leaving Yuki is... something I couldn't imagine without tears.

Sexy... Is still ok. After all, he'll be joining us in China after a year. So I'm not too bothered about him. It's Yuki that I'm more upset over... Sigh...

Letting go sure isn't easy...

Doesn't help that after 2 years there, when I return, things would have changed a lot. For one, all the people that I know in my church cell are all going their separate ways... Meaning I have to start socialising all over again... And a part of me is not looking forward to that.

And I have to figure out what I want to do when I graduate... Do I want to continue studying post-grad, preferably in Patho? Or what am I going to do? The only thing I know of my future is that I don't want to work in a clinic...

Then again, about 3 years ago, I was adamant that I do not want to learn chinese anymore and guess where I ended up... So... What I'll do in the future is... Still really uncertain... Since I tend to go where the wind blows... Zzz.

Next on my mind is FYP. Yes, I want to do a project in patho... No I don't have the professor's email. I fail to copy it down. I am scared to email the prof actually... It's this... fear of talking or mailing people I don't really know and I usually procrastinate such stuff because I really don't want to do it, but in the end, I know I have to... So... UGHHH...

Ochibi would understand... Since she pretty much suffers similar fears as me. And I'm really nervous because I have no idea what to ask the professor and how to ask the professor actually... Zzz! I should have asked him 2 weeks ago, when he was still in class!!! Zzz.

Too late for regrets. Move on.

Sigh. So back to the emails then... Zzz! Personally, I rather talk to the prof face-to-face... But... UGHHHHHH. Ok. I shall deal with my fear one step at a time. Sigh. *breathe in* *breathe out*

And lastly, it's just a hunch... So I'm not too sure how accurate is it... Or if it's even true or not... But... I think I absorb people's emotions way too easily through touch... Zzz. The best part is... I have no idea if it's just me, or if it's the other person... Or if it's just coincidental. Emotions are still something I'm trying to get the hang of... Especially extreme ones.

UGH. What a bunch of crap that keeps running through my mind... Most are senseless worries. (Meaning I'm just worrying for the sake of worrying. And it would eventually resolve itself, but still.)

UGH.

Back to the present?

Yay. Feeling all better now that I finally talked to Ochibi.

XD I think I've been absorbing a bit too much from people lately... That needing a hug thing was most likely from Sexy... I think. The moodiness... Is both from Kyoya and myself. And from a whole bunch of things which I really don't want to deal with at the moment.

Anyway, I was so happy I finally managed to meet (sort of) Ochibi online! Whoo!!! Being in different time zones sucks big time! And long story short, I kinda spammed on the Caps while talking to her. =P Oops.

And yes, I was on PMS mode this week. My apologies for those who had to put up with me. Hopefully, I'll be better next week.

Oh well... At least one good thing... Well... Sort of good thing comes out of this... When I'm moody, I rather study than deal with all these emotional shit. So... =/

Sort of good, I guess?

Back to the present?

Sigh... I have no idea is Kyoya's mood rubbing off onto me, or it's me that's rubbing off onto Kyoya, or is my moodiness from an entirely different source, and Kyoya's just being Kyoya... All I know is that my state of mind is down in the dumps.

And it's amplified whenever I'm at home, especially when I'm alone. Zzz! In school... Well... I've been doing lots of things to distract myself (and getting a headache from over-stimulation), but the moodiness is always there in the background, I guess... Being around people lessens the effect but still...

ARGH. This is one pain in the head!

Personally, I just want to sleep everything away. But then my STUPID BRAIN reminds me that I have a freaking test coming up and that thought is bugging me to study even nothing is going in. And. ARGH. (I sometimes feel I'm such an eloquent person. =/)

Maybe I'm over-thinking things and am just sleep deprived. Or maybe I'm just missing people too much... (HEAR THAT OCHIBI!!!) Zzz.

Why are all the people in my life currently so emo-ish too though?! Zzz! Kyoya is emo cause... Well... It's Kyoya. And it's CNY. Sexy is emo cause of relationship issues... Namely, playing psychiatrist to those people with said issues. Then there's Cross. Who is emo because Yuki is still busy with CNY.

Normally, I would say it's cute that he misses her so, but as of the moment, it's not helping my current state of mind... And these days I just look at my calendar and sigh... So many things to do, so little time!!! And whenever I look at my patho book, I sigh some more... (Ok... I think I need some 逍遥散 right about now...)

Actually, all I wanna do right now is go to a really REALLY scenic place and emo to myself while enjoying the nature. ... Sounds weird but it's actually a rather good combi.

Zzz. My brain hurts... Either I'm lacking blood, water, sugar or all 3... Zzz...

Sigh... I miss Yuki...

Back to the present?

Yay. I had my dose of Sexy today! And a free shot of oxytocin. ~_^

Haha! Today was kinda emo-ish. I was a little bi-polar... Well... Sort of, a little... When I was with Kyoya, I was high as a kite. I blame the hormones. Then later, when I met Sexy, I was more emo-ish.

Though I think Sexy was kinda emo-ish too today. Anyway, we simply met for dinner and stayed till late to chat and stuff. Haha! I don't mind talking to him, though it's his presence that I miss the most. Just... being around him.

Like, don't you ever get that feeling that you just want to be around that person. And sometimes, I don't need to talk. But I don't want to be alone either, kind of feeling...

And talking about such feelings, I'm missing Ochibi like crazy... I can still remember me crashing over at her place whenever I get these kind of feelings and just sit or lie in her room and chill while she does her work, write her story or do whatever she's doing...

And we'd be perfectly fine with us not needing to do anything, though Kyoya says it's a typical guy thing to want to do something. XD Apparently, it's a bit hard for a guy to just sit and chill and do nothing in general...

Anyway, I walked him back to his hall, and he walked me to the bus-stop. And since I was in Hall 16, I thought I might as well just drop by Hall 14 to see the cheerleading people. XD It was a bittersweet, nostalgic feeling. I was feeling a whole bunch of mixed feelings which I can't quite decipher, but I more or less knew what I was feeling... (Ok... That doesn't make sense...)

Anyway, today was a rather great day, I suppose. Though I found out that hugs are seriously like ecstasy pills to me... =X And it takes quite a bit to form that emotional wall to prevent myself from over-thinking things. ... Ok. It takes a bit to build the emotional wall but still enjoy the thrill of oxytocin. =/

What? It's a very happy drug! Almost as nice as adrenaline. =P Hahaha! Anyway, Tamaki was asking if Sexy is my boyfriend. XDDD I was really tempted to say yes, just to see his reaction. XD

Though Sexy won't play along. =( His reputation is bad enough as it is already. I suppose it'll be really REALLY bad if it becomes even worse... Zzz.

And... I have a feeling Kyoya is trying to match-make both of us... I... have my doubts that it will work out... And there are too many uncertain factors for me to even consider Sexy now that I think about it...

But... Whatever. I am just seeing how it will play out. I have a feeling Sexy and I will end up rather emotionally attached to each other... But we won't be together... I dunno. I'm as certain of the future as the next person. =X

So I'll just see how for now. XD

Back to the present?

I am suffering from Ochibi Withdrawal Syndrome.

It's kinda sad actually. Like, when I go visiting at my granduncle's house, the place where I usually see Ochibi and her brother during CNY... AND SHE'S NOT THERE!!!

UGHHH...

It just feels different I guess.

Anyway, CNY is as per usual. This year, I see more new-ish faces. No, not more babies were born, but more people are coming back from overseas. Like, apparently, I have this uncle on my grandma's side that appeared after being overseas for 10 years. And he came back with a wife and children.

So yay. More angbaos. =P

I didn't really like the wife though... She gives a very... anti-social, strict kind of vibe. Then again, you have to understand, at these gatherings, everyone is usually loud, insane or both. Especially in my families, on both sides.

Oh and there was this really crazy moment at my grandma's family's place. Cause the night before, I stayed over at my grandma's place and tried to learn how to cook her CNY chicken porridge.

And my grandma was so excited, or so she says, that she forgot how to bao her angbaos, where she kept her angbaos, she even forgot when CNY is... -_-

So yeah, the scene at my grandma's family's place is quite chaotic since my grandma forgot who she gave angbao to and if she left anyone out... So her sister decided to help her out a bit by shouting the name of the recipient of the angbao in my grandma's hands. (she writes down their names to help her keep track.) XD

It felt like some crazy market, with the sister shouting "3rd sister!!! 3rd sister!!! Come get your angbao! 4th sister! Your angbao! etc." And at the end of the whole mess, the sister asked my grandma, "Oi! Where's my angbao!?!?" XDDD Apparently, she was the one my grandma kinda forgot. Hahahaha!!

And I didn't really talk much at my grandpa's family's side. My brothers ate, ate and ate some more... (And they never gain a pound... =P) And I just sat and listen to whatever story is being told at anyone.

Somehow... I dunno... It feels like noise to me after a while... Don't get me wrong. I had lots of fun. (Bathing virtual crocs on iphones and watching real-life dramas in my family and just enjoying the chaos in general.)

But the missing presence of my cousin is somewhat apparent... Doesn't help that I haven't talk to her for a while... The people I miss more are Ochibi and Sexy... Cross talks to me every once in a while, so it helps me bear with Yuki.

And yes, while I do dislike Cross for my own petty reasons, and he is an asshole and a douchebag. But he's also a really nice guy (when he wants to be) and he treats Yuki very well (sort of). So I can't say much... Zzz.

Anyway... Visitations always sap the energy out of me... Too many people in too small places... Zzz. I'm gonna rest...

Back to the present?

Ugh... Why am I always over-estimating things...

I suppose I realise that reading patho is a bit of a headache. A bit, meaning seeing stars.

It's not that much, I feel... It's just that... To make notes and read... Lengthens the entire process... Zzz.

Of course, by the time I realise I should just screw it all and just read the book... It's a little too late...

Ugh. What a way to start my "holiday". Of course, I have a whole list of things to do during these 4 days. Ideally, it's all possible.

Then Murphy's Law kicks in.

And I'd end up doing... nothing much.

Sigh.

Today, my family and Ochibi's family had a family reunion dinner together. It... felt kinda empty, with all my cousins being overseas. Thank God for my Mom, my brothers and my Uncle. XD They were all joking, and talking a whole bunch of crap and basically being merry.

Me? I was trying to seduce my patho textbook. It obviously failed.

Zzz. Damn tempted to skip church tomorrow... It's gonna be packed and crazy and all. Zzz. AND EARLY. ZZZ!

But I can't... Sigh.

And to Kyoya, I hope you're alright. Ah... I'm always here if you need a hug? XD Free oxytocin! Who doesn't want it? Hahaha! ^^

Back to the present?

I swear I suffer from memory loss sometimes... =/

Anyway...

Ah crap... I forgot what else was I gonna write...

Oh yes. I found out a couple of days ago that I'm not the only one who finds A kinda creepy. It's not obvious at first (it is to Cross, but not to me), but the more I get to know him... The more I wish he would stay xxx metres away from me... XD Apparently, I was talking to a couple of girls from church and they also felt the same way about A. (They're the ones I was emo-ing over because I couldn't find any of them on Sunday.)

They are the few people that make church much more bearable for me. But to me, I dunno... My "friendship" with them is kinda bittersweet. As in I'm glad that they are really nice to talk to, and really friendly... But I also kinda know it's one-sided on my part...

After all, I did join the church a little too late. Everyone had everyone else and they all have their little cliques... And I don't fit in. But at least I can tell, these few girls that I talk to don't really judge... Thank God for small blessings.

Anyway, back to A, apparently he's... Very touchy... And very clingy... And it's kinda creepy... ... Kinda being an understatement.

-------------------------------------------------

Anyway, on Sunday, I was thinking back on something the pastor said. He said that when we die, we would be given a new name, a name that reflects what we are meant to be. Ah... He said a lot of things but that's the only thing that stayed in my head... =X

And part of me wonder, if I were to die tomorrow, what name would I be given? =P

FYI, my name means Grace of God, or Blessed One, or around there, depending on where you find your info.

Anyway, I think I'll sleep early today... Zzz. Been damn tired throughout the week...

Back to the present?

First of all, I apologise for my previous post... I was moody... =( Sorry.

Kyoya and Cross both asked if I was PMS-ing. WTH?! Dudes, I don't think I ever had PMS... If I did, I never knew... >.>

Anyway, my current emotions are now more messy than turbulent. Ugh. I feel bi-polar.

As of the moment, whatever I'm feeling is borderline emotionally clingy (ugh...), and I'm trying to ignore the clingy part of it. I'm not really a clingy person... If I become clingy, by the end of the week, I will be the one feeling suffocated... Then I would want to emo to myself AGAIN. UGH. It's an endless cycle! (It's like my dream... Holy crap!)

So yeah... I'm trying to figure out a balance between both sides for now.

And chinese... Oh God. Chinese... O.o! I swear, the teacher is out to liquefy my brain! Zzz! And I can't care what Kyoya says... Even though he hates my studying method, it's really the only way I know to sort of pull up my grades. =( Yes, I know. Shoving babbles of chinese into my head is only a short term measure. And it's really a study-for-exams method. But I am not getting another D, darnit!

I can't afford another D actually...

Besides, with my current grades, I might as well don't graduate... With a GPA of 2+, who on Earth would hire me? =/ People would always say that GPA doesn't matter in the work place, but the first screening of any form of work is always the FREAKING GPA. So yeah... I have to pull up my stupid grades.

Ah... And I need to remind myself not to be too touchy with Kyoya... He gets irritated way too easily nowadays... Sometimes I myself wonder who's the one with mood swings... =P

Sigh... I want Sexy... Us touchy people must band together! Mwhahaha! (I'm losing my mind... I can feel it...)

Sigh... I want someone to hugggg... Yuki! Where is that girl when you need her? Zzz!

Back to the present?

Lately, I've just been playing Christian songs after Christian songs...

For those who don't know, Christian songs are my comfort songs. So yeah... When I'm usually like this when it's near exams.

Zzz... All I can sense of myself is that I'm sort of emotionally turbulent. But I have no idea why. Could be from last year. Could be something else.

I also know I'm sort of shutting it off. But well... It still registers subconsciously. And because it still registers, I have this intense desire to go off somewhere alone and emo to myself. Zzz.

And nowadays, whenever Kyoya talks to me, I get really mixed feelings. Half of me is happy he's there, the other half is like "LEAVE ME ALONE". Zzz. Usually, the happy side wins out. But I dunno how long can it last...

And part of me sort of misses Sexy. But I doubt he can do much to alleviate the moodiness... At least, that's what I think.

ARGH. I'm just freaking emo about GOD-KNOWS-WHAT and I'm trying to get my emotions in order, but it's kinda hard.

Sigh. The frustrating part is, I do not know why I'm feeling like that. So since I can't find the cause, I can't tackle the problem properly. Zzz. All I can tell is that it's getting quite bad...

Ughhh... I dunno! Stupid emotions. I need a break from the world...

Back to the present?